DH communication with teacher

[lockdownfab]

Changed username for this because worried it's outing.

This year we have had quite a lot of problems with DS at school, his behaviour has not been good.
He has formed quite a good relationship with one of the teachers at school and she supports him a lot. My work is quite demanding at the moment but DH works from home so he has been much more in contact with this teacher than I am. She is one of the staff who supports behaviour - sorry not sure what that job role is.

However I am worried about the extent DH is now messaging this teacher. It seems to no longer be about DS and more them just chatting about stuff, they have been emailing over easter and there is clearly nothing to say about DS due to schools being shut and it being holidays.

DH says its important to maintain a relationship with these staff due to them supporting DS and it's nothing out of the ordinary. He doesn't actually know i've accessed his emails and looked at the more recent messages.

Basicallly, AIBU to tell DH to quit it and not email unless it's something specific to do with DS?

In case it matters, DS loves this teacher

Could you perhaps suggest to your DH that you would like to be copied in to all emails just so you're fully kept in the loop? That way if there's nothing to hide he would have no reason to not want you to be included.

Teacher here - in various roles including ones which have very close contact with parents.

Any communication not about your son or relevant things your son has done within the family setting is inappropriate. It shouldn't be happening. I'd do what others have suggested and ask to be cc'ed in to all communication.

He’s flirting right? This has got your spider senses tingling because they fancy each other. Sorry OP but let’s call it for what it is. This is how affairs start. If it was me I’d knock it on the head. I’d say “I’ve seen your emails to the teacher and it’s not appropriate. Are you trying to start an affair with her? Unless the emails are purely about our child then it breaks professional boundaries and I’m going to make a complaint about her and ask her to be disciplined unless you stop all contact immediately. From now on, I will contact her about our child and me only” i would be going ballistic

You're checking on your husbands emails.
If he needs to reign his cock in you need to speak to him, not the headteacher.

Forward the emails to the head. She really shouldn't be doing this.

It is unlikely that she's a qualified teacher. If she provides pastoral care she isn't under the same rules and expectations as a teacher with regards to communication and conduct.
I would send an email to her and copy your DH thanking her for her input but "you've got this now" attitude before you third wheel in your own family's dynamics.

It's highly unprofessional of her to be communicating with a student's parent about anything that isn't directly related to the student, regardless of whether she's a teacher or not - she's still staff at the school.

You might not want to report her but what DO you want? If this is the preliminary to an affair, emotional or otherwise, would you rather not put a stop to it? Do you really want to have someone getting emotionally involved with your DH who is supposed to be in a professional capacity towards your DS?

Thank about it carefully and if your DH won't play ball and stop the inappropriate contact, then you'll have to take some action.

@heartsonacake the OP wasn't asking your view on her reading the emails, she's not interested in that. She's seen the emails and now is asking for advice, not your judgement.

OP, I'd start with a chat with your DH, asking if he thinks it's appropriate?

You have absolutely no right to do that. It is wholly unacceptable to invade his privacy like that; his emails are none of your business. That is an awful violation and a huge red flag

ODFOD.

Op she should be only engaging with him about your DC - you need to speak to your dh.

I'd first ask to be cc'd in all emails and if you find the tone changes or reduced emailing I'd be worried. I would also forward on all existing emails to yourself as proof in the future if needs be.

If they continue to be over friendly then saying "you got this from here thank you for your input" is a good idea as if they still keep coming you have a right to be concerned

@Savingshoes All school staff are under the same expectations, tragedies if their role, whether it's teaching, support, admin, site. Chińczycy Luke this would not really need appropriate between let's say the attendance officer and a parent either.

My guess is that the teacher is young and inexperienced and does not realise consequences and boundaries. Unless people know each other from outside school anyway and were friends before, if day this is really unusual.

I'd first ask to be cc'd in all emails and if you find the tone changes or reduced emailing I'd be worried. I would also forward on all existing emails to yourself as proof in the future if needs be.

This is good advice!

Completely inappropriate.

You obviously have access to the emails as your reading them, forward them to your email box.

I would report her to the head teacher or even email her personally yourself if you don't want to go over her head. Don't let it go.

Doesn't surprise me that she's young.

Men seldom seem to strike up an "innocent" and yet over invested "friendship" with the 60 year old matronly teachers, or the male ones, do they?

It is completely unprofessional on her part. But also he needs to back off, it is a hard enough job with some moony eyed old man hassling her.

No, it's not professional and it oversteps the mark considerably. I'm a teacher, I wouldn't allow this to happen. I'm in a situation where I teach within the local community, so I happen to teach the children of some of my friends, but still, when it comes to school and using my school email, it is purely in a professional capacity.

So glad that my head teacher doesn't expect us to email parents directly. Our staff email addresses are never given out. Even in these times a shared email account has been set up that everyone can access to check enquiries.

The kind of direct contact can easily lead to this by naive members of staff who then can end up losing their jobs.

IKR Russel. I am never expected to have contact with my student’s parents.

If it was me, I would have been asked to be cc’d on any emails about my son from the very beginning. Could you approach it from that standpoint? Ie you want to know what’s happening so you can support DS. If they’re just friendly emails that shouldn’t be a problem for your DH?

All our school emails have to go via the office and parents are told staff will not reply out of school hours.

What is her family situation? It could be that she’s in lockdown by herself and just lonely or bored shitless. Still doesn’t mean it’s right though

I work in a school where I am often surprised and uncomfortable at the blurring of lines in the relationships between staff and parents. Staff are friends with lots of parents on Facebook, following parents on Instagram, chatting with them about their personal lives, accepting discounts from parents workplaces / companies. I keep strict boundaries and a professional distance and I suspect I’m regarded as a bit standoffish for that.
OP I would save all the emails, then insist that you are cc’d into all future emails. Do check that is happening.

This is absolutely against policy. I manage a team of behaviour support specialists in an SEN school and if any one of my staff was caught doing this they would risk losing their job. None of my team are even allowed to email parents in a work capacity, communication goes through me and I copy in my manager in all communication.

I'm a student welfare officer (and a qualified teacher) and I think this is a tricky one without knowing what is in the emails.
I support some vulnerable students, some students with mental health concerns, and some students who are struggling academically. Sometimes I get to know the parents quite well whether that be via phone or email, or face to face. I wouldn't call myself a friend of any of those parents, but on occasion email exchanges and phone calls have become quite chatty. It's a good way to sustain a relationship and ensure that the parent knows they can trust you. It also makes it easier if I have a "relationship" if I have to have a difficult conversation. Part of my role is referrals by other teachers. I have the tricky chats with parents sometimes because we are friendly and they don't see it as an attack (whereas they might if another staff member spoke to them)
I don't know what's happening in your situation, and without knowing the content of the emails it is impossible to say whether this is inappropriate or not, but I just wanted to put a different perspective forward.
Interestingly, just thinking about it, all of the parents that I currently engage with are the mums. Many dads are around, but it's the mums that tend to communicate. I wonder if this feels different because he's a man and she's a woman? I don't know. No one has ever been concerned about the work I do, and there's no reason for them to be.

The teacher has overstepped the Mark by maintaining the emails, sharing pictures etc.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong about looking at the emails, especially as they’re supposed to be about your son, and his welfare.

The only warning I’d say is once you’ve nipped it in the bud, then be careful they don’t go underground with their communication.

OP - so sorry you're in this position. I can empathise.

Nuke this so you're not left wondering.

Men generally do not have good radar for this type of nonsense. I'm sure a lot of naïveté on his part

Set up an account in the name of [email protected] and send her an email saying to use this account for all communiqué concerning your son. Copy her boss. You can say something along the lines of your not having to wait for him to open his email to keep abreast of things.

If she continues to exchange emails with him privately after this , forward a copy to the new joint account, send it on to her and her boss reminding her of your request for transparency.