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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH communication with teacher

129 replies

lockdownfab · 18/04/2020 19:38

Changed username for this because worried it's outing.

This year we have had quite a lot of problems with DS at school, his behaviour has not been good.
He has formed quite a good relationship with one of the teachers at school and she supports him a lot. My work is quite demanding at the moment but DH works from home so he has been much more in contact with this teacher than I am. She is one of the staff who supports behaviour - sorry not sure what that job role is.

However I am worried about the extent DH is now messaging this teacher. It seems to no longer be about DS and more them just chatting about stuff, they have been emailing over easter and there is clearly nothing to say about DS due to schools being shut and it being holidays.

DH says its important to maintain a relationship with these staff due to them supporting DS and it's nothing out of the ordinary. He doesn't actually know i've accessed his emails and looked at the more recent messages.

Basicallly, AIBU to tell DH to quit it and not email unless it's something specific to do with DS?

In case it matters, DS loves this teacher

OP posts:

ineedsun · 19/04/2020 08:34

Times have changed since I was at school. Our teachers used to come to our house for drinks etc, it was a small village in the 70s so obviously a different world but it was lovely, a real community around the kids.

One of my kids has SEND and although I don't email etc, I am very chatty with some of the staff. The other child less so (only because he doesn't want me to), but I have stayed in touch with a staff member who left and I help her out in her new job which things related to my work.

This probably explains why as a parent I wouldn't be remotely bothered by chatty emails (I'd be more concerned about the sneaking around reading someone else's emails).

hesgotit · 19/04/2020 08:36

@TKAAHUARTG
*
The thing is she seems to be engaging in this chat as much as DH and even starting some of it! I definitely don't think it's a case of him bothering her, I'm just a bit worried they have become too friendly?
But then think maybe I am overreacting? is there anything wrong with DH and this teacher being friendly? I just do not know any more!*

Did you miss this bit, it's not one way!

hesgotit · 19/04/2020 08:37

Sorry posted too soon, it's not a case of a moony old man that's hassling her, she's instigating as well.

Both are equally wrong!

TKAAHUARTG · 19/04/2020 08:39

I think she sounds inexperienced. She really does have enough to deal with though, and she does not need a creepy old man chatting shit. Sometimes it is hard for young people to put the boundaries in place, she may think that she is being kind, or doing well in her job. He should not put her in this position.

hesgotit · 19/04/2020 08:51

@TKAAHUARTG SHE IS INSTIGATING SOME OF THE CORRESPONDENCE, Are you hard on understanding, also who has said that OPs DH is a creepy old man? You've no idea how old he is?

You just want to blame him because surely a person working in a school could never be wrong? Do you work in a school by any cha chance?

They BOTH need to stop, if she's that busy, why is she instigating unnecessary chat? She's not busy enough maybe?

MontysOarlock · 19/04/2020 08:51

@Savingshoes I am a volunteer in a primary school and I am held to the same standards as the staff in the school. I had to do a training course including safeguarding, read the school policy documents and obviously have a DBS check before I was even allowed inside the school.

Every time there is a policy change (usually to safeguarding) the changes are highlighted and I have to sign to say I have read and understand it like all other members of staff.

We also have a guidance on contact with parents and children in the school. That meant when my friend starting working in the school kitchen she had to delete her own neice from her instagram as this would go against school policy as her neice was at the school. We are not allowed to even say where we live!

So yes, emails about the child all good, personal stuff about what you got up to this week and photo sharing would be unprofessional and would result in a meeting with SLT.

MsJuniper · 19/04/2020 08:57

I would absolutely say that you want to be part of the conversation with the teacher and to copy you in on any correspondence. You could set up a separate joint email that you both have the password to and ask DH to forward the current email chain to that address so it can continue from there. It might be a more neutral way of handling it rather than asking him to forward everything to you.

Bluewater1 · 19/04/2020 08:58

This is totally unprofessional and her Senior leadership team would take a very dim view of it.
Tell DH any communication the teacher does which is not about DS will go against her school policy.
Email the teacher stating that you need to be cc-ed into all email communications, cc in your DH to this email so he is clear.

TKAAHUARTG · 19/04/2020 08:59

I work in higher ed. @hesgotit, luckily I am not required to speak to parents, on account of them being actual adults themselves. Although it does not seem to deter some of the parents. I do not think I am “hard on understanding” (which makes no sense 😂) because I read the original post. Did you?

hesgotit · 19/04/2020 09:04

Not only did I read the orig8 al post @TKAAHUARTG I read the update, where the OP. clearly states it's not one way. Not sure why you're calling the DH a moony old man and saying he is chatting her up etc?

I mean would it be appropriate to say the school worker involved is being a total flirt and trying to move the relationship 8 to a sexual one. That she was a marriage wrecker in what she was doing?

OP has stated none of the correspondence is flirty.

GabriellaMontez · 19/04/2020 09:08

It sounds totally inappropriate for this to continue during holidays and not concerning ds

What sort of photos?

TKAAHUARTG · 19/04/2020 09:16

So you would have read that the teacher is younger than the husband then @hesgotit? I think it smacks of a power imbalance and I think the OPs husband needs to rein it in. I have seen it far too often, she is only being friendly because it is part of her job, (she can’t exactly tell him he is a creep and to fuck off can she?)

LolaSmiles · 19/04/2020 09:17

toomanypillows
I agree with you.

I'm a form tutor and have often mentored some students on top of teaching, and have had conversations with parents about issues at home, where parents have opened up about difficulties at home, illness in the family, what the child has been doing at home that's good/not.

Obviously the emails in the OP could be inappropriate, but hearing about wider family things isn't automatically inappropriate.

hesgotit · 19/04/2020 09:21

@TKAAHUARTG she doesn't have to instigate additional correspondence thought does she? She's trying to get move this relationship on, she needs to stop and concentrate on her job, ask for additional work if possible, or maybe volunteer for something.

Why do you think she's instigating unnecessary correspondence, do you think she fancies the DH, I mean this woman is helping with his DS, he can hardly tell her to go fuck herself can she?

Anyway I have stuff to do, you've clearly gat a man hating issue goi g o , it must be the mans fault, because she's young, she's professional blah blah.

They could you know, both be in the wrong, which I think they are.

Winter2020 · 19/04/2020 09:21

All I know is if my husband complained to the head teacher about email chats I was having with staff at my son's school (that were equally instigated and not me being harassed) I would be absolutely mortified and off the scale angry.

Deal with this within your own home if you have an issue start with your husband. The joint email account sounds a good solution - I would be happy with that if my husband said he wanted to be more involved. Still not that happy if I thought it's purpose was to police my behaviour.

SarahAndQuack · 19/04/2020 09:22

TBH, this is the sort of thing my DP might do, and it would be completely innocent. Our DD's still in nursery, and occasionally DP will send messages where she doesn't half witter on, and I have to admit I would never send. I worry the nursery workers find it tedious/feel obliged to reply at more length than they'd like.

I think if it's really bothering you, maybe talk to your DH about what your teacher friends (ie., people on this thread!) have said about communication, and how it really isn't usual to try to keep in contact this way. I'd go with the angle that it's putting pressure on this woman, and making demands on her time. Which it is.

If he gets funny about that, it suggests either 1) he is enjoying it a little bit too much or 2) he is one of those 'I am always right' types. Neither is a good thought.

TKAAHUARTG · 19/04/2020 09:24

you’ve clearly gat a man hating issue goi g o , it must be the mans fault, because she's young, she's professional blah blah.
This is probably the best thing I have read all week! Keep on with your “hard on understanding”. You are a gem.

TheVanguardSix · 19/04/2020 09:29

Teachers can be friends with parents

Bollocks to that. They can be friendly and a person of trust.
But not friends.
OP, this isn't on at all.

Paddington68 · 19/04/2020 09:30

Sorry ladies.
Is there no responsibility from the husband?
Let's go after the teacher or whatever she is.
What?

Gwynfluff · 19/04/2020 09:31

I’ve had a lot of contact with one teacher over one of my kids. I would never just send emails though to maintain contact. Teachers have to spend too much time on pastoral stuff in my opinion and I’d feel terrible making unnecessary contact and I also have always made contact in school hours only. I have had a call from the teacher since lockdown. They were checking in and phoned me with a No ID number as they were using their own phone.

Not usual at all to be making contact like this. Thing is, you do feel this immense gratitude to the teacher for looking out for your child. And many of the teachers who do this stuff well are really excellent at building rapport and have that demeanour so there is already a soft boundary. But still not appropriate.

LolaSmiles · 19/04/2020 09:34

TheVanguardSix. They can be friends as long as there's a valid link that isn't the professional relationship.

I'm friends with a few parents who send children to my school/at previous schoold. A couple are in the same clubs I'm in, some are my colleagues, some had their children there before I started working at the school, others had joined y7 since I started. It's an occupational hazard of living in the same area.

Otherwise I would agree, for those relationships formed in a professional capacity then it's friendly and a professional relationship of trust, not friends.

funnylittlefloozie · 19/04/2020 09:36

All this wittering about the teacher... surely the first thing is for the OP to speak to her own husband and ask him whats going on. If she can't speak to him or trust him to reply honestly, then that is a different set of problems.

pinkstar01 · 19/04/2020 09:47

I don't understand why you weren't being CCd into these emails to begin with? This is standard practice for DH and I so that each of us is in the loop for anything regarding DC.

Tbh my DH isn't as into maintaining email contact with school related stuff so I do most of it but always CC him in. Then I can say, oh what did you think about so and so and I don't have to rehash the whole message. If he all of a sudden started emailing a teacher more enthusiastically I would raise an eyebrow because it's unlike him, what is yours normally like?
I think you need to sort it out with him first tbh.

LonginesPrime · 19/04/2020 09:54

Your DH is jeopardising your DS's wellbeing and his much-needed support system for his own selfish aims.

Whether he just wants the attention or to be thought of as friendly or is flirting, he's being completely inappropriate and the LSA should know better.

I would talk to DH and explain why he needs to back off from DS's perspective- any disciplinary against the LSA would have a hugely detrimental impact on your DS and he should be your DH's priority.

There's no reason to message an LSA or teacher about non-professional things and even if he does like her, he is putting her in a terrible position and potentially jeopardising her career too.

Friendsofmine · 19/04/2020 09:56

I think I would email her cc him in and say thanks for your input with DS and from then on age has no reason to develop this pseudo professional relationship with your husband and vv without you unless it's because they are enjoying getting closer.

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