To not want live-in Ex to see random hook ups while we are in lockdown together?

[StayinginSummer]

Am in a sticky situation. Have 2 children and stuck living with Ex on lockdown. We’ve been ‘separating’ for months, he’s been dragging his heels. He has only just provided my solicitor with his paperwork for an agreement for access / maintenance. When I provided these 6 months ago. It’s his house. We are not married.

My one plan to move out is now on hold as it is to my mothers house, who has health issues and in shielded group. One child has severe SEN and without going into huge detail I cannot just get a job nor can I just go on benefits. Ex adamant neither of us moved out earlier without an agreement from solicitor but dragged his heels.

Apart from the obvious not great situation. My issue is that he had been cheating on me for years and lied about it. It was with random women, many many of them.

He is quite OCD, earns a lot and works from home. He was very cautious about COVID 19 and we all agreed as a household not to meet up with other people whilst in lockdown. I was okay with that.

Except recently he suddenly announced that he was still on call for his job and had to go in the middle of the night. It was 3am. He had a shower in the morning.

It’s IT so it is possible. However I know his form and strongly suspect he’s started up with random women again. I now feel like he may well be exposing our whole household. Except he would never tell me in a month or Sundays. What do I do now? I’m not high risk but I am late 40s.

I'm unclear as to why you couldnt have just moved out 6 months ago, but i guess you had your reasons. Pragmatically, you cant stop him behaving like this - its disrespectful as well as dangerous, but if he was a respectful and considerate type, presumably you woukdnt have separated in the first place. Do you sleep separately?

He was untrustworthy during your relationship, and is untrustworthy now. He will not prioritise your or DCs’ health. Best seek to progress the separation/divorce.

Yes we sleep separately. I’m not overreacting am I? It is fairly likely he is starting seeing other women?

Seems probable. Nothing you can do about it though, other than plan to leave.

Well looking at the votes saying I’m being unreasonable I really don’t know where that leaves me.

With work - can you find out if he goes into work that he’s working alone?

No I can’t find out whether he went to work. I do not know anyone at his work and they would not know either. It’s a very large company.

If he's quite OCD and agreed to isolate, maybe it was work he was called out for.

Do you think he'd be that blaze about putting himself at risk with random hook ups?

As my user name says I’m in the same boat although I’m about 3 weeks in to your six months. It will be about six months till I can move out from here.

Finances dictate I can’t just move out either.

The thing is with liars anything they say that comes out of their gob could and may possibly well be a lie. The only thing you can do is just hope for the best.

Try and disengage with anything he is doing. I spend a lot of time being polite and being in another room than he is.

Shit isn’t it

How many fuckin times; someone cannot be OCD. So ignorant

@SandyY2K In the past he had quite risky wild hook ups, but maybe to him it was fine as he never felt in danger, he’d drive out to women in the night he’d never met before, to have sex. It completely shocked me at the time.

@Inthesameboat10 gosh really really sorry you are in the same boat. One of the reasons I’m in this position is a) very difficult to just leave for a number of reasons and b) Ex will say he will leave temporarily, which he did 6 months ago, until I got the next move sorted, and then came back just between places... And then bam! Feel like I’m stuck again and lying again... I had thought his fear of COVID 19 would stop him.

I’m also very tried and worn down tbh.

When sex is involved I think some men would do anything tbh.

Don’t get worn down about it. For you there end date isn’t too far away. I’ve not even been to solicitors yet.

For the next months I’ve just got to keep my head down and mouth shut - which tbh is so unnatural for me and H is revelling in it. He knows if I leave or he leaves I’ll be financially fucked and it’s not something I’m prepared to do to my kids or myself. He isn’t violent or aggressive so I’m just going to try and stick it out.

Chin up

As my 'charming' neighbour was ranting the other day he's still meeting up women for shagging as he's not letting fucking Coronavirus stop him getting his end away . This was when they decided to have a group gathering over the other side of my wall and weren't using their indoor voices.

Update - my friend on OLD says he has messaged her. (He has never met that friend) I’ve asked her to ask if he will be prepared to meet-up. If he does, I will talk it over with the solicitor and see whether we try to speed up proceedings and maybe even a letter just to remind him it’s not fair to put the family at risk. Good idea? Might make no difference I guess.

@user1471442488 get a grip. It’s not ignorant at all. Everyone knows what she means 🙄

Ultimately, your relationship is over and you are in his house so thoughtless as it is, he doesn't have to answer to you. Can you stay somewhere else?

I don’t understand what proceedings need speeding up. It’s his house so unfortunately you need to move out. Apply to cms for child maintenance

No I have nowhere to go and cannot just make us homeless. I can speed it up to put pressure on the next step which if he’s putting us at risk I would move tomorrow. However unless he gives up his job to look after our child he will have to pay for.

What is this next step ? It’s his house. He pays you cms and you agree access? What needs resolving ? Are you trying to make a claim of some sort ?

Ultimately If you don’t like his behaviour you need to move out - doesnt sound like he’s going to listen to you if you ask him to stop meeting people !

Yes but I have not the money to move out now with the kids. I can’t just go somewhere pay no rent and then claim cms.

What do you expect a solicitor to do even if you’ve found out he’s been seeing random women for one-night stands? You’re not married, you’re in his house, quite frankly it’s no business of yours what he does. Sure it’s irresponsible given the distancing guidelines (if he is, indeed, meeting women - you have zero proof) but what he does in his own home is no business of yours now. And it looks like you are wanting to spy on him or try and “catch him out”, not a good idea. If you’re going to start getting solicitors involved you should keep your slate clean and not do things that can be thrown back at you even harder - such as an invasion of his privacy.

If you were grown-up enough to live together and have children together I’m surprised that you’re not able to come to a mutual agreement over money and the children.

It sounds like you need to move out asap. Regardless of the rights or wrongs of the situation, it isn't tenable.

such as an invasion of his privacy. it’s my business if he’s potentially bringing COVID 19 into the home. I can you bed go through the roof if it was me!

I do thank well meaning replies. Although I am a bit disappointed as this is really not great for me and the kids - and I did put clearly in my post the reasons why I couldn’t ‘just move’.

I’m sorry I did give up my job to look after SEN kid and I wasn’t married. I don’t think that is a crime so I just suck up my situation. I was looking for advice I could actually use!

@BritWifeinUSA well put pressure on Ex to actually reach an agreement instead of dragging his heels as the stakes are a LOT higher if he could potentially infect me with COVID 19 through no fault of my own. I think that’s valid.