Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want live-in Ex to see random hook ups while we are in lockdown together?

103 replies

StayinginSummer · 18/04/2020 15:56

Am in a sticky situation. Have 2 children and stuck living with Ex on lockdown. We’ve been ‘separating’ for months, he’s been dragging his heels. He has only just provided my solicitor with his paperwork for an agreement for access / maintenance. When I provided these 6 months ago. It’s his house. We are not married.

My one plan to move out is now on hold as it is to my mothers house, who has health issues and in shielded group. One child has severe SEN and without going into huge detail I cannot just get a job nor can I just go on benefits. Ex adamant neither of us moved out earlier without an agreement from solicitor but dragged his heels.

Apart from the obvious not great situation. My issue is that he had been cheating on me for years and lied about it. It was with random women, many many of them.

He is quite OCD, earns a lot and works from home. He was very cautious about COVID 19 and we all agreed as a household not to meet up with other people whilst in lockdown. I was okay with that.

Except recently he suddenly announced that he was still on call for his job and had to go in the middle of the night. It was 3am. He had a shower in the morning.

It’s IT so it is possible. However I know his form and strongly suspect he’s started up with random women again. I now feel like he may well be exposing our whole household. Except he would never tell me in a month or Sundays. What do I do now? I’m not high risk but I am late 40s.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 19/04/2020 20:45

But if it’s his child then surely you both would discuss and agree access arrangements. It’s his house, he has no financial obligation to you beyond maintenance payments so you’re going to need to get a job at some point.

Until then you really don’t have much say in what he does and who he sees, if you weren’t still living there you’d have no idea what he’s up to.

Jayfeem · 19/04/2020 20:50

I have every sympathy with your situation but a solicitor’s role is not to write letters to your partner to intimidate them into doing what you want. Don’t waste their time asking, and it makes you look more interested in what he’s doing that any safety concerns. Keep yourself in the right here for any later discussions/decisions. I know it’s very raw now but you’ll regret actions later that could go against you.

Your ex is entitled to do as he chooses in this context, however much you see that as an infringement on yourself. It’s his home and unfortunately as you’re unmarried you have no claim. While it may not feel this way now he is being kind permitting you to remain there.

If he earns well then discuss with him about paying for childcare so you can find employment and your own independence. If he earns really well could he perhaps assist with your rent somewhere until you’re on your feet? This would be entirely at his decision you are not owed anything except cms which is not much.

Shielding for vulnerable groups is likely to be in place for some 18 months now so your mum’s is not going to be an option for some time. Need to look at what options you have now and not later and as you’ll perhaps need his help keep him on side. Fuck him and what he’s up to now you make to make plans for you now.

Veterinari · 19/04/2020 20:56

What Jayfeem said

JanewaysBun · 19/04/2020 20:57

It was unhelpful of ex to suggest you need a solicitor, you weren't married so they can't help really. Useful steps you should take now-
Apply for universal credit
Apply to the council house waiting list.
If EX has the children on weekends could you work then? Can he care for them on his own?

Think about specifically what you want out of this. If it's decent maintenance then you can decide it between yourselves. The court won't mandate more than CSA.

It sounds like he is bad for your MH so I hope you are back on your feet soon x

Schuyler · 19/04/2020 20:57

Are you able to explain - even in vague details - why you cannot get benefits? Perhaps people could give better advice. A solicitor isn’t going to move things in the direction you want, they’d advise you to move out as you’re not married and it’s his name on the property.
The local council will have a duty to house you.

LonelyInLockdown · 19/04/2020 20:59

@Veterinari your unsympathetic comments are not particularly helpful and unless you are a solicitor, unlikely to carry much weight.

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 21:10

To be honest it is all a nightmare. My SEN child is thriving because I am her full time carer. Childminders / Ex all send her into massive meltdowns to the point of danger. S School barely copes and is limited hours. The thought of even EOW makes me feel physically sick but that’s another dilemma and one I’ve no idea how to fix.

I do have a part time job but it’s poorly paid as I needed something around SEN child.

There are reasons I can’t get council housing but I can’t say without revealing too much.

I used to have a really good career and job before I was had DD. Sad and a lovely house.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 21:11

@Schuyler I do get some Carers type benefits and child benefit which helps but is small.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 21:15

Regarding the police / solicitors. Surely anyone can report someone if they think they are flouting their essential worker status?

OP posts:
Fedhimtotigers · 19/04/2020 21:17

You can report him. But what if he finds out and throws you out?

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 21:20

I’d be more inclined to ask solicitor to put it in a letter as one of the reasons to get him to agree to speed up our negotiations so I can get the he’ll out of there. Then I’d also say to his face that I suspect he’s hooking up and how upset it’s made me and I need to take action to protect the family.

OP posts:
Ttcbabybennett · 19/04/2020 21:22

Could you social distance in the property? I can’t tell you whether he’s sleeping around or actually working and I’m afraid you may never get an answer in that but you could say to him that even him having to go out to a job puts you and your children at risk so you’re going to use separate living space as much as possible? It’s an excuse he won’t argue with so that you don’t have to see so much of each other and most importantly protects your kids from anything he may have picked up for whatever reason he went out x

Fedhimtotigers · 19/04/2020 21:24

You know that letter is pointless though right?
How much is that going to cost you?
He could literally pick it up and put it in the bin. It has no power at all.
Why not just tell him? You do not have money throw away.

Schuyler · 19/04/2020 21:32

I feel for you. Having a child with SEN makes it much harder.
I agree with fedhimtotigers that a letter will cost money and won’t do anything IMO. I understand why but you’re clutching at straws.

How big is your mum’s place? Could you move now and isolate for 2 weeks to reduce the risk of you passing on the CV if you have it/are carrying it?

You mentioned he’s a decent earner, so once you’re living apart, you should be eligible for more money. Have you tried phoning Citizens Advice?

Veterinari · 19/04/2020 21:48

@LonelyInLockdown

Would it be preferable to you if instead I encourage the OP to persist in monitoring her ex's messages and writing pointless and expensive letters? I'm not sure that sympathising and encouraging the OP to engage in activity that's likely to be detrimental to her is helpful.

I've been blunt because as tough as the situation is, OP needs to be aware that attempting to use solicitors letters to coerce her ex, in whose house she resides, to change his behaviour, is unlikely to work. And additionally it's important that she understands that he has no responsibility to house or support her, so that she can start to take steps to deal with this herself. It absolutely sucks, but that doesn't make it untrue.

What is your helpful advice? Or are you just the self-appointed thread police?

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 22:14

Thanks for everyone’s help, appreciate your time. It is just a bit of a terrible situation. Wish I had never met the guy.

He earns a lot. Have checked citizens advice last year. Bit gloomy. I just can’t go to my mums - can’t see how I wouldn’t even slightly expose her sen child does not obey social distancing.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 22:17

@Ttcbabybennett thanks me and him are totally separate physically. However he touches all the kitchen stuff and also hugs our child who hugs me...

OP posts:
ArthurandJessie · 19/04/2020 22:26

@StayinginSummer I'm so sorry your going through this and think the comments are a tiny bit harsh tbh !
I think ringing police is not going to help to be honest ... also there is a chance he was actually going to work ! you need to just get a plan together to get out asap ! In the meantime perhaps you could talk to him and just say' I'm sure you wouldn't be doing anything that could harm our child would you? 'If this guy wants to cheat hes going to do it whether you spend 100 quid on a solicitors letter or not just remind him of the current situation and do what you can to get yourself out ! Best of luck x

drspouse · 19/04/2020 23:01

Does your DC have a school place that would enable you to work and rent a new place?
I imagine your STBX would be more enthusiastic about coughing up CMS pronto if the alternative was him looking after your DC while trying to WFH and you go out to work.

throwaway201809 · 19/04/2020 23:05

I think you're being a little niave. Yes your son has two parents who should support him and your son's father will need to pay child support. However I think you need to be realistic that you're either going to need to work or claim benefits or live of savings. You're living in your ex's house, you're putting yourself in a vulnerable position as he can ask you to leave at any point. It would be good for you and your son to sort out some accommodation of your own so you're not relying on your ex anymore

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 23:13

Thanks @arthur @ArthurandJessieo it’s nice of you and others to see that I would be gone in a shot if I could! Believe me I don’t want to be here. It’s not just me if I take a full time job my DD will plummet so I have to take that into consideration. DD has a limited hours special school, they barely cope with her, which is some time but not full hours. I do work part time but it’s for a pittance as I have to work these hours only.

And again believe me I’ve tried to earn more! It would cover a small amount of rent. Yes Ex loves his work and loves earning a fortune, unfortunately he’s extremely tight. He questions every single penny I spend. I do all my child’s extremely vital therapies myself because he’s so tight he refuses private sessions (which almost all other parent end up doing if they can, nhs does not have the capacity). Ex tells me I’m marvellous. Angry

OP posts:
Fedhimtotigers · 19/04/2020 23:15

Are you paying him rent or contributing to the bills?

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 23:17

@throwaway201809 I know I’m in a vulnerable position it just honestly isn’t as easy to get out. I cannot get rent benefit. I could work, DD will pay the price, but maybe I’ve no other option.

OP posts:
chasegirl · 19/04/2020 23:35

Stayinginsummer it sounds like you would be entitled to claim universal credit. You can claim as a single person even with your living situation, you would be classed as separated in the same household. His income would not be taken into account. Your Carers allowance would be taken into account but you would be entitled to extra UC for having a disabled child. Hth

throwaway201809 · 19/04/2020 23:38

Are you sure you can't claim benefits? Have you spoken to CAB? They can be ever so helpful and their services are free