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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want live-in Ex to see random hook ups while we are in lockdown together?

103 replies

StayinginSummer · 18/04/2020 15:56

Am in a sticky situation. Have 2 children and stuck living with Ex on lockdown. We’ve been ‘separating’ for months, he’s been dragging his heels. He has only just provided my solicitor with his paperwork for an agreement for access / maintenance. When I provided these 6 months ago. It’s his house. We are not married.

My one plan to move out is now on hold as it is to my mothers house, who has health issues and in shielded group. One child has severe SEN and without going into huge detail I cannot just get a job nor can I just go on benefits. Ex adamant neither of us moved out earlier without an agreement from solicitor but dragged his heels.

Apart from the obvious not great situation. My issue is that he had been cheating on me for years and lied about it. It was with random women, many many of them.

He is quite OCD, earns a lot and works from home. He was very cautious about COVID 19 and we all agreed as a household not to meet up with other people whilst in lockdown. I was okay with that.

Except recently he suddenly announced that he was still on call for his job and had to go in the middle of the night. It was 3am. He had a shower in the morning.

It’s IT so it is possible. However I know his form and strongly suspect he’s started up with random women again. I now feel like he may well be exposing our whole household. Except he would never tell me in a month or Sundays. What do I do now? I’m not high risk but I am late 40s.

OP posts:
BossAssBitch · 19/04/2020 18:04

@user1471442488
How many fuckin times; someone cannot be OCD. So ignorant

So boring Hmm

AintNoMaryPoppins · 19/04/2020 18:47

He's an arse for putting you/your child at risk OP, I agree with you there. But what I'm struggling to really offer any sort of advice on is what you can actually do about it. You're living in his house and he doesn't have to answer to you questioning about what is now his private life.

Is it irresponsible? Yes. Are you unreasonable for being mad? No. Can you actually do anything about it?... I'm not sure.

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 19:11

@Thanks I know it is tricky. I think it will help asking solicitor though. If this gets to a fight or court battle over anything, then I will have a paper trail of asking him not to put us at risk won’t I? After delaying it when I could have got out earlier.

I will have it out with him this week too. I mean I could just go and get a job in a supermarket and leave him to look after our child, and rent somewhere with a wage couldnt I? But I’m not, as he’d lose his job and I would not just dump our child. So we can all ‘do whatever we like’ but it has consequences and I will put that to him. Good idea?! Not sure what else to do.

OP posts:
throwaway201809 · 19/04/2020 19:20

You say you can't get a job and you can't get benefits? How are you planning on moving out of his house and being able to support yourself and your children? CMS doesn't go too far

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 19:25

That’s what the solicitor has been for - we agreed to draw up a legal document for maintenance and access. I’ve done everything. He hasn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 19:28

Also, I’m not sure it’s up to me to ‘magic’ money out of thin air?

The child has two parents. One looks after the child so the other can work. If we separate both need accommodation. It’s not up to the government to fix that.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 19/04/2020 19:29

it’s my business if he’s potentially bringing COVID 19 into the home.

Unfortunately it's legally his home and he can do what he likes

I think if you go down the path of trying to entrap him you're going to end up looking controlling.

The only way you can progress this is by you moving out. If you aren't married then financially, you have no claim to anything except CMS unless there's some sort of pre existing financial agreement?
Why can't you claim benefits?

Nearlythere1 · 19/04/2020 19:43

Wow people are harsh. It may be "his" house but it's also their children's house right now.

OP, I wouldnt normally advocate this "snitching" stuff but phone the police. He's not meant to be mixing with randoms and I'm sure they'd love a chance to flex their muscles on their social distancing powers. He's putting children at risk.

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 19:44

Oh I’m beyond worrying about looking controlling. I did it before when he was lying about cheating and it was the best thing I ever did. I would still be with him otherwise believing his lies.

It isn’t as if I’ve put a tracker on him. However even the courts usually understand if your own health physical or emotional are at risk, you can take steps to protect yourself. Especially as in my case he’s delayed me leaving.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 19/04/2020 19:45

@Nearlythere1

It's not being harsh - it's the legal view - essentially OP is there as his 'guest'. I know it sucks but it's the way it is.

As for snitching to the police - she has no evidence. If this is potentially going to be a difficult separation then the last thing she needs is a possible record of making malicious complaints to the police

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 19:47

@Nearlythere1 Thanks. This isn’t on. He’s potentially exposing the children. Maybe a solicitors letter would be the softer first step? However I would feel better if I had more ‘proof’ even if that is not exactly court admissible as it were, but would convince me I wasn’t reacting OTT. I’m going to ask my friend to message him on OLD tonight and see if he will agree to meet up. We won’t meet him obviously but if he agrees to a meet up, I will know for sure.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 19/04/2020 19:50

Especially as in my case he’s delayed me leaving.

I'd be careful OP. You're an adult and legally entitled to nothing but CMS. If you've chosen not to leave whilst you negotiate a more generous financial settlement then that's your choice. But settling that additional benefit is not legally 'preventing you from leaving'.

It would be easy enough to argue that your ex it entitled to live his life without being controlled/reported by his ex who continues to occupy his house and refuses to leave until he financially compensated her.

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 19:54

@Veterinari I do get what you are saying but I’m the ‘guest’ who has become financially unable to just move because of our child, so I think they’d see the position I was in surely? I was thinking of asking the solicitor to word it so that it does not say ‘Ex is definitely with proof seeing random women’ but that there is a ‘valid suspicion that Ex is putting the whole family at risk by seeing random women, has left the house during the night for such and such hours on such occasion’ and considering his past form for lying to the (ME) and repeated cheating in the past this is a fair concern from my client. Etc etc.

If it came to court he’d have to prove he was on call for work and that he’d misused his ‘essential worker’ papers (which he told me he’d bought out with him in case he was stopped by the police).

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 19:56

It would be easy enough to argue that your ex it entitled to live his life without being controlled/reported by his ex who continues to occupy his house and refuses to leave until he financially compensated her. I don’t think so. I was the one to engage a solicitor, at his request. I was the one to book mediation which he cancelled. I was the one to put in all my paperwork months ago. He was the one to delay. I haven’t asked for anything yet! I did say I wanted to move to my mums but he moved out temporarily and said I didn’t need to yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 19:58

@Veterinari I am prevented from leaving now because my only option is my mothers who is now being shielded. I would honestly like to know how anyone, you or any court would say I have been refusing to leave when I do not have any money!

OP posts:
Veterinari · 19/04/2020 20:01

I’m the ‘guest’ who has become financially unable to just move because of our child

Unfortunately that wouldn't be considered your partner's responsibility as you're an adult and you aren't married - it's up to you to find work/benefits etc to house yourself, and for your partner to provide child maintenance.

You're asking your solicitor to write a letter with no evidence and I doubt they'd do so.

Even if you get messages of him arranging to meet someone, you cannot prove they do meet.
Will you still be expecting to live in the house of someone you're spying on and reporting? Do you really think that will be tenable?

Honestly OP, speak to your solicitor and listen to what they say. But my advice would be to focus your efforts on constructive steps and move out rather than spending money (which you don't seem to have) on solicitors fees to write letters which don't benefit anyone.

Veterinari · 19/04/2020 20:04

how anyone, you or any court would say I have been refusing to leave when I do not have any money!

You'd be expected to find work/benefits like any other adult.
Or declare yourself homeless and be housed by the council.

Of course finding work is problematic at the moment because of COVID19 so things are unusual and that won't be helping, but you do seem to be labouring under the illusion that your ex is responsible for housing you. He is not.

Darkstar4855 · 19/04/2020 20:11

You are effectively choosing to live in his house. You can’t complain about what he does outside of it. You have had plenty of time to get a job or claim benefits.

You have no money to move out but you can afford to pay a solicitor to write pointless letters to your ex.

YABU.

Fedhimtotigers · 19/04/2020 20:15

He is not financially responsible to you.
After this he could tell you to leave and out you will go. He is BVU to go out and socialise. But he really doesn't have to give a shit how you feel about it.

You can leave. You are choosing not to.

hen10 · 19/04/2020 20:19

If it was me and my mother's house was large enough for mother to have her own room, I would leave with the children and go there (if she agreed).

As far as I am aware, your ex partner is not legally bound to tell you the truth about what he is up to or let you stay in his house or provide paperwork about access to your solicitor. Have you agreed between yourselves about access and maintenance or is this likely to be a sticking point?

Nearlythere1 · 19/04/2020 20:22

I really dont know why people cant separate the normal issues here and the unusualness of the situation. The normal rules that it's his house, that he doesnt answer to her, that she has no right to dictate anything, finances etc, dont apply. He is (potentially) putting their children at risk and she has nowhere to go and isnt allowed to even if she wanted to. Short of pretending DV, which is obviously not the answer, then she's stuck there. Ergo, she uses the rules that have put her in this situation and apply them to it. It might be distasteful in normal times to be living with a shagger ex, but it's not a crime. But, the fact is she's stuck with him and he shouldnt be out shagging. I'd phone the police honestly, or threaten him with it, but try to get some evidence.

SouthWestmom · 19/04/2020 20:22

The OCD thing.

I read this wondering what to say.

Then I read 'he's quite OCD' and I wondered what it meant.

I thought you wouldn't say 'a bit SEN' as a descriptor of someone.

My son HAS severe OCD which has destroyed several lives.

So I decided not to comment.

Then I saw someone had and had been ripped to shreds.

So I would like to say, please don't use that. If he's fussy, clean, frightened of germs; say that.

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 20:26

It is Ex who insisted that I found a solicitor and we draw up an agreement that way. He even told me I could not leave until we did this.

To be honest no way would I put my mum at risk by living with her. I will look at options to just leave ASAP even if it means making Ex take some childcare. I will still speak to my solicitor as he’s putting our families health at risk. I don’t care if it’s his bloody house it’s a serious issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 19/04/2020 20:28

The OCD, I’m sorry if I offended anyone. It’s my Ex who describes himself as that and I put it in as I was questioning my own sanity about whether he was cheating - part of me thought this might mean I was wrong.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 19/04/2020 20:41

@Nearlythere1

The OP is allowed to move house during lockdown and yes legally the usual rules on house ownership, finances etc do apply.

I know it sucks but the reason that we aren't separating the issues is that they don't exist. Of course OP's ex shouldn't be seeing anyone, but she has zero proof that he is, and writing threatening solicitors letters/making police reports on the basis of no evidence when she's a guest in his house is probably not the wisest move.