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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want live-in Ex to see random hook ups while we are in lockdown together?

103 replies

StayinginSummer · 18/04/2020 15:56

Am in a sticky situation. Have 2 children and stuck living with Ex on lockdown. We’ve been ‘separating’ for months, he’s been dragging his heels. He has only just provided my solicitor with his paperwork for an agreement for access / maintenance. When I provided these 6 months ago. It’s his house. We are not married.

My one plan to move out is now on hold as it is to my mothers house, who has health issues and in shielded group. One child has severe SEN and without going into huge detail I cannot just get a job nor can I just go on benefits. Ex adamant neither of us moved out earlier without an agreement from solicitor but dragged his heels.

Apart from the obvious not great situation. My issue is that he had been cheating on me for years and lied about it. It was with random women, many many of them.

He is quite OCD, earns a lot and works from home. He was very cautious about COVID 19 and we all agreed as a household not to meet up with other people whilst in lockdown. I was okay with that.

Except recently he suddenly announced that he was still on call for his job and had to go in the middle of the night. It was 3am. He had a shower in the morning.

It’s IT so it is possible. However I know his form and strongly suspect he’s started up with random women again. I now feel like he may well be exposing our whole household. Except he would never tell me in a month or Sundays. What do I do now? I’m not high risk but I am late 40s.

OP posts:
Summergarden · 19/04/2020 23:54

Sorry you’re in this situation.

Clutching at straws probably but you definitely never got your name added to the property deeds after you moved in? Or paid towards his mortgage, even before you had DCs maybe you paid him “rent” which you could argue gives you a partial claim to his house. I’m assuming he owns rather than rents it.

Disagree with those who say a solicitor wouldn’t write the sort of letter you want. We had nightmare neighbours years ago who loathed us having friends round, family barbecues etc. They got a solicitor to send us a warning letter to say that the neighbours felt that the barbecue was too close to their fence and was being left unattended so there was a fire risk to their property. It was all a load of bollocks and just proves that solicitors will write letters like this.

You know ex best though OP and how he is likely to react. Would a letter just inflame the situation?

Good luck whatever happens.

Fedhimtotigers · 20/04/2020 00:06

I don't believe anyone has said a solicitor wouldn't write the letter. They would they want the OPs money and will do as she asks.

But the Op doesn't have money to burn. And the letter is pointless. It's the same as sending a text.

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 01:26

All good points. The solicitor will be sending him a letter anyway as he asked that we further ‘pause’ deciding on an agreement whilst on lockdown sent to her. So I need to respond saying whether I agree or not. I also felt that having his behaviour on record would give some formality to it, and would cover my actions if I then had to leave and put me and the kids in a worse living situation than if I’d waited possibly. He could use it against me if he wanted to prove he was the more stable home if I’m in some rushed temporary accommodation somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 01:28

Also yes did pay rent for some years before I was pregnant to him. My name was going on the deeds... I was far too gullible.

OP posts:
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 20/04/2020 03:35

This must be such a tough situation for you.

The reality is that your ex is not legally obliged to provide childcare, housing or financial support beyond basic child maintenance. It's crap but the reality for many single parents. I wonder what your solicitor is getting out of this? (£££££)

Your home environment doesn't sound conducive to good mental health for any of you. Your ex may or may not be going to work at 3am however monitoring him is not going to change this and will cause more animosity between you both (if that's even possible) and affect your mental health. The only safe option is to move out however if your children continue to see their dad the risk will be similar.

You can move in these circumstances and you should be able to rent somewhere during lockdown. You will need to pay for this with savings or benefits. As an unmarried parent there is little else that you can do.

Good luck with all of this xx

ksf5555xxx · 20/04/2020 03:57

Living with a cheater is mentally destructive during the best of times let alone now. For the next 4-8 weeks I'd keep spray bottles of disinfectant handy and go on an hourly wipe down frenzy.

Once restrictions are over, for your mental safety and for your DH who must be picking up your stress, move out and start your new life. It will be tough at first but nothing is worth this angst.

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 11:05

I’m going to speak to him lunchtime. I will put it to him that I am now in an impossible situation, with COVID 19, but that am forced to look at leaving as soon as I can with any option available to me. At the moment he can maybe pretend that he’s still a good guy, not chucking me out etc and he does like to look the good guy to the outside world.

Wish me luck Confused

OP posts:
Summergarden · 20/04/2020 12:08

Do you mean that you paid some rent to him before you became pregnant, on the house that he owns?

If you, you could probably make a partial claim on his house. Do mention it to the solicitor if you haven’t already.

It’s difficult though, as legal fees are so high and can rack up quickly. You can end up spending far more on them than the value you get out at the end in a settlement.

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 12:13

Yes I paid rent to him on his house. The solicitor doesn’t feel I have a strong claim. The stronger claim is that DD has SN and I provide specialist care.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 20/04/2020 12:16

Good luck OP! You are in a crappy situation and I hope your DH does the decent thing and considers the risks he's taking

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 12:26

Thanks. Have just had the talk... Blush I told him Id be looking at my options it move out with the kids ASAP.

He said ‘well nothing I can say will change your mind so there is no point in me saying anything...

OP posts:
Veterinari · 20/04/2020 12:51

That sounds like code for 'I'll live my life in the way that is convenient for me'

He does sound incredibly selfish.

Would he help you financially to move out considering that's in the best interests of his children's safety?

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 14:02

That is what I’m hoping. I think I may have possibly got through to him a little. I kept on with the ‘it only takes one contact with one person and you potentially give the virus not only to me but to DD and who is to know she won’t be the rare kid who dies’.

I also said look you might think woman you hook up with, has not seen anyone else, but chances are if she does this risky meet she might also lie and be seeing a lot of other people. His eyes flickered a bit like he’d never considered that. He obviously denies still but although initially angry he was crying a bit at the end. Something has hit him.

OP posts:
Rollercoaster1920 · 20/04/2020 14:29

Although morally and legally wrong - if he is seeing someone the risk isn't actually all that much higher for you than if he wasn't. So I think you need to look at the underlying reason you are so unhappy about it.

Fundamentally it is time to move on with your lives. You have options but seem stuck, not willing to take them.

Controversial maybe, but you could move to your mums and leave your child with the father. He would need to look after your child, and work too. You could get a job, save some money for a rental deposit. You'd have to pay maintenance when your income requires.
He may be more willing to help you get a suitable new place.

Or you may then end up in a custody nightmare.

You are not completely out of options though.

Move on - he is not worth it!

Original poster
StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 18:12

@Rollercoaster1920 how come no higher risk? Everyone in my household is at home. My older son doesn’t see his friends and we don’t allow him too eve if he was 2m away. He doesn’t even see his girlfriend at the moment. Neither are in school. Ex works from home. None of us are seeing other people. We rarely go out. I’m a scientist by background.

Yet the Ex will be hooking up with say at least 5 women and counting who will also probably be hooking up with others and they won’t be 2m away.

So my risk goes from person to person = 0. To through Ex - 5 x 5 x all their contacts...

Much higher risk and also it’s because he wants sex, that I’m not getting I can tell you, he’s not an essential worker. I think the level and reason for higher risk is totally unacceptable to me and my kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 18:14

So I think you need to look at the underlying reason you are so unhappy about it. I know you mean well but that is quite a low blow. I couldn’t care where he puts his * anymore but I won’t put myself or kids at risk because of his selfishness.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 18:16

Controversial maybe, but you could move to your mums and leave your child with the father. Jesus my poor DD would be absolutely bloody traumatized. I’m not sure she’d ever trust me. And I wouldn’t trust Ex not to sneak out while she was asleep to get his end away, never mind care for her while he’s on his endless conference calls.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayinginSummer · 20/04/2020 18:18

You have options the first person who tells me an option that I can actually take I will be ecstatic.

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 20/04/2020 18:22

If you don't have friends or family then what about borrowing money for a bed and breakfast or calling a charity?

He didn't care enough about you before and he sure isn't about to change now. Of course it increases risk. You are not unreasonable. He's just selfish.

namechange5575 · 20/04/2020 20:43

I understand that you feel you can't leave the kids with him. But if you were to propose it to him: 'We both know I need to leave. You didn't want me to take the kids away, which is fair enough. I don't have any claims here, which I understand. The only solution I can come up with is for me to leave them with you so I can get decent full time work. Once I'm earning, I can give you child maintenance, or we could split residence 50:50 and neither of us would owe each other anything. I know it's not ideal, but I can't see any other solution. What do you think?'

I presume that's the last thing he'd want, so it might motivate him to come up with a fairer solution, or at least acknowledge the impossible situation you are in. Currently he's got free live in childcare for his kids, he's living the single life, no cost to him. There's no motivation for him to give ground. Hit him where it hurts: financially and enforced childcare.

hen10 · 21/04/2020 08:12

What do you want him to do for you that will enable you to leave? I'm wondering if the level of financial support you seem to want (enough to rent somewhere and be a full time carer to your children) is ever going to be forthcoming. Is it even realistic? Is he really earning enough to keep two households and properties? Would he give you that much even if he was? Have you had a discussion about how you will separate childcare in the future?

hen10 · 21/04/2020 08:17

Also (and apologies for stating the obvious) if the reason you are not eligible for benefits is some kind of investment or cash tied up somewhere, I'd seriously look into what can be done to release that, even at a loss, to get you out of there.

malificent7 · 21/04/2020 08:22

He is a monumental twat putting h and s own kids at risk. Of course seeing other women is going to increase chances of getting covid 19.

Most of the self righteous posters on here seem to berate you for not moving out. Well as a single mum i know it aint that easy especially in a global pandemic when you have been abused for years. I get you and i would go mad.

Its not that you have issies with him cheating any more as you know that...you have issues with him spreading the disease. Yes it his own house but they are also his guests he should be looking after and more importantly...his children!!!! How do men still get let off by so many women whilst the mums are blamed!!

malificent7 · 21/04/2020 08:23

Oh yes and move out...take the kids.

Jayfeem · 21/04/2020 14:31

From your notes you (understandably) want to be a full time carer for your child, (understandably) don’t wish to move into your mum’s while she’s shielding, don’t want your partner to be the carer of your child, and will not claim benefits.

I can’t imagine how claustrophobic you must feel and how trapped in your situation, but you need to think pragmatically.

What you want simply isn’t possible in all of the circumstances combined. You need to assess your options (you have plenty, not wanting to choose one doesn’t mean they aren’t there). There will need to be a sacrifice at some point - as ultimately his behaviour isn’t going to be the one to give. It is not your position to prevent what he does.

The global pandemic won’t last forever (hopefully!) and you can move in with your mum when it is safe to do so. Even keep a “countdown” of when her shielding is over just to keep you going/focussed on a positive.

I promise in a few months what is a critically awful situation now will be a memory.