I worry the joy has gone out of life and won't fully return

[MyriamVB]

Firstly a disclaimer. I realise that many many people, including those in the frontline NHS staff, those who lived through and died in the 2 world wars and conflicts since, have and had it far harder. I also realise that the current restrictions are necessary to protect the NHS and save lives. I realise that there were many suffering people in the world and there will continue to be after this.

Obviously very very few people are enjoying life hugely at the minute. I do worry though that amongst all the solitude, strain on relationships, lack of socialising, boredom and listlessness together with the new authoritarian atmosphere around movements, the whole "I saw someone sit on a bench it's a disgrace" thing plus the psychological impact of necessary social distancing that the joy of life won't come back, not properly. It seems all around me people in necessary lockdown are beginning to be significantly affected by it. Even on here, every second thread seems to have descended into name calling and vociferous disagreement and "you're being ridiculous". Is this it now?

The problem is that lockdown exacerbates any existing difficulties. The people saying that it is only 4 weeks needs to have greater empathy for those in different circumstances. I imagine 4 weeks could seem like a year for a lone parent stuck in a flat or someone with existing mental health issues who relied on getting out and meeting people to manage their issues.

I am fed up (jealous of) with the hobby brigade, spending their days pottering around the garden, reading and drinking wine. Life under lockdown for me with an asd child and newborn is non stop and completely exhausting. As an intovert I would love some alonetime which unfortunately is not going to happen until lockdown ends.

We should all be a bit nicer to each other and try to understand that people need different things to give their life meaning.

I have found some positives in the lockdown situation... I have been ill with the virus and recovered which has made me feel grateful. I was frightened by the though of being in lockdown with my partner as we have been through some awful times and he has been mentally and physically abusive in the past. But the biggest surprise is that somehow we are getting on better in this situation. I didn’t expect that at all but am relieved every minute of the day that the atmosphere has improved and we feel more like a unit than people at war. I also have a lot more time and I haven’t touched any alcohol for 2 months now which has been a positive change. I feel very sorry for everyone who is worrying about money. I used to have my own business and went through it going under in the recession and know how all consuming money worries are. I have a good job now and can work well from home so feel grateful for this too. Still can’t wait for freedom to return again however and am looking forward to a Summer of fun once the restrictions are lifted.

I'm so sorry to hear you feel like this OP.

I had some low days at the beginning but am generally ok now. I have a routine and try to keep busy. I am very fortunate with where I am in my life (teen boys, financially ok) and where I live. Dh is really busy with work and I am plodding along with mine and that gives us a focus for discussion. I am also doing a lot of exercise.

Unfortunately lots of people (particularly on MN it seems) have had an empathy bypass (or perhaps never had any in the first place). I really would recommend stepping away from MN for a while. There are so many toxic threads right now and they won't help you.

Our lives are joyful #LovingLockdown
And that's my partner who is is undergoing chemo and on the shielding list, myself who is vulnerable but a key worker going to work and my elderly mil who lives with us. Life is simpler, much more peaceful, more playful, there is more time in each day, the planet is having a breather, all you can hear outside is incredible birdsong.

Times of crisis always bring out the best and worst in humanity. Look at all the good things that are happening - if you need somewhere to start -click on captain toms just giving page and look at all the people who have donated- just trying to do their bit. Look at all the families cycling in the sunshine now the cars are off the road. Think of all the nhs volunteers, they got 3times the amount of volunteers they asked for. Think of all the people who work in the nhs who are showing the absolute best of humanity and the Carers in care homes and in the community going to extremes to look after the vulnerable.

Listen to all the kids playing, not tied down by the rigours of school, spending time with families and chilling out.

Breathe in the air no longer poisoned by car and jet fumes.

Listen to all the people reassessing life and seeing what is really important.

Look at how friends and family refuse to let physical distance divide them, getting together online.

People shopping for elderly neighbours who they might not have spoken to before

Look at all the people and businesses adapting in the main part to massive change, clothing manufacturers to formula one teams adapting to help the nhs. Restaurants feeding the nhs workers.

Going forward I think we will have a much better perspective on who do the really important jobs in society.

Everyone has a choice in this, refuse to move on from all previous expectations, try and control everything (which most likely will lead to misery) in an attempt to cling to the old world or embrace some of the happiness and positivity that is sweeping around at the moment whilst recognising the difficulties everyone is facing, but human beings have been overcoming difficulties since the dawn of time.

It's great that some people are finding positives from this, but some posts are so PollyAnna esque it's sad that they can't grasp how shit life is for others.

Just got my email about my shopping, the only substitute I have is for a bar of chocolate. DHs favourite not coming, hope he likes the new one but I have everything else, plenty of food and cleaning stuff so there is some joy.

It is raining and miserable but joy of joys I don't need to go out in it and I did the garden yesterday so that was a good call. Just waiting for my shopping to arrive and so the day begins.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit, would it be better to encourage OP to be miserable. I could tell you how my husband is in so much pain that his oramorph is disappearing at an alarming rate, that I have an elderly relative, nearly 90, with Covid19 in a care home, that I am missing my children and GC and worrying about the ones on the frontline?

So yes I take joy where I can even though there is shit going on in my life.

We should all be a bit nicer to each other and try to understand that people need different things to give their life meaning

Totally agree with this and I'm certainly not naive enough to think that my relatively privileged (house, garden, able to continue to work) experience of lockdown is how others are experiencing it. I have a huge amount of sympathy for those people. And I am doing my bit to try to ease the situation for those I know are struggling more than me.

The sadness is completely understandable. What I struggle with is the bitterness and resentment towards those who are managing to find some joy in what is a miserable situation. If I were struggling, I'm pretty sure I'd find some kind of positivity in seeing families taking some joy from being together. It works both ways - bitterness and envy will eat away at you even further if you allow it to. I don't agree 'we're all in this together' as I know some are more shielded than others. But i have genuinely seen some really wonderful acts of human kindness that has restored some of my faith in humanity. It's out there if you look for it. And this won't last forever.

Keir Starmer is right though - if you look to other European countries, their leaders have all offered their populations a glimmer of hope, however small. I think we need something to cling onto.

@LilacTree1 I totally hear you.

I feel dramatically changed by this interlude - I take a dim view of my fellow countrymen and I'm drained of any sense of social responsibility. I simply cannot cope with the cheerful lockdown culture any longer.

Quite sad, really. I hope I snap back at some point.

Haven’t read the whole thread but I’m sorry you are feeling so dishearten OP.

Thankfully I’m loving lockdown, the amount of time we are getting as a family (husband is furloughed) is amazing. Our children are loving having him around so much and we are really enjoying having all this time together.

Me, my sister, and our three closest friends all have a group Zoom chat every 3-4 days so that’s nice too.

I also volunteer for two support groups (doing the same thing for each group) which I have been doing for the last year, and whereas it used to be face-to-face support, I now do that via Zoom too.

I don’t even miss not going outside but I do miss my family.

When another 3 weeks of lockdown was announced yesterday I felt very happy about it - not just because of how much it’s needed for health reasons, but also because I’m enjoying this new peaceful and generally stress-free way of life.

However, I am very aware that I’m in a fortunate situation and that many, many people are struggling with the lockdown for many reasons, and I do worry about how the lockdown is affecting certain groups of people, people with MH troubles, the isolated elderly, vulnerable children, women in abusive relationships etc. I know that where lockdown is nice for me, it’s really shitty for a lot of other people.

One of my friends in particular is really struggling to cope. She and her husband are both WFH, alongside trying to home school their children and they are very stressed. My friend suffers awfully with anxiety and she’s genuinely scared to leave the house. I think she feels like you OP, she can’t ever imagine life being happy again, not in the way she has previously been happy anyway. She can’t see how life can ever be ‘normal’ again.

The whole situation is very difficult for a lot of people

I think the Joy will come back. It’s just that at the moment we are, most of us, in such a pit that we cannot believe this will ever happen. I am grandmother age and so have had my own personal pits over the years when I couldn’t imagine ever feeling joy in my life again. However I did, and do, and so will you.

If the following analogy does not seem helpful, ignore it but if you had a newborn who never slept so you were exhausted beyond reason, at the time it would be hard to imagine that you would ever get enough sleep again.But you do/did.

What helped me in my personal pit was to try and extract Joy from tiny things – at the moment for me it is blossom, buds on bushes and the cats rolling about loving the sunshine.

I have been so, so lucky personally in this crisis in that DP can work from home and although I am a key worker and still working I am fairly well protected compared to some, our jobs are both secure and it’s lovely to spend more time with my little ones.
But I know what you mean OP I really do. I’ve struggled with anxiety around hygiene and little rituals since childhood, it’s been well under control for most of my life but I can feel it resurfacing in a very big way and I foresee me having a lot of issues in the future unless we have a cast iron vaccine in place. I’m also pretty socially anxious and quiet, again I’ve fought against it as an adult and actually come across as very confident and sociable! But I feel like these skills are slipping. I also feel we’re all losing the habits of hugging/cheek kissing/chilling out in each other’s homes - there’s a kind of “trust” to these types of exchanges and to showing friends they are important to you and I feel that trust and ease with one another will have been lost. I don’t see how we’ll get it back (especially anxious types like me!)
Luckily I’m not a big fan of crowds, sports, music events etc but it must be very sad if you are - I think it will be a long time before big gatherings are back in vogue!
I am probably over thinking but I do think that what makes us human is working together and building complex interpersonal relationships (in a way no other species can), and our current isolation threatens this fundamentally.
But hopefully it will all be fine (I think that’s all we can say for now)!

It has been 4 weeks. Not 4 years... It is harder for some than it is for others (obviously) but asking things like "will joy ever return" is bit dramatic and made me check a calendar to see if I haven't lost a year and what day it is. Only for third time today It is a temporary situation. Not forever.

I don't agree with the staying of social media. It helps to be connected and that is very important when you don't have access to your usual support network (as an immigrant, SM actually kept me sane). What you need to do is to take control of your social media. Unfollow and unfriend, delete and block as needed. Add and follow beautiful things like illustrators, museums, Chester Zoo (who does live tours on facebook and youtube!), local artists, galleries, local businesses (great way to discover who delivers what goodies). Make it yours and make it a relaxing place where you feel connected, but comfortable. Be brutal with who you have on there. You are in control. I don't even have whole family in there because some really annoy me.
Also there is a photographer, Christian Vieler, on instagram who takes pictures of dogs when they are trying to catch a treat and it's the cutest thing ever.

As I wrote on a previous thread, I think our experience of lockdown depends so much on personal circumstances. For me it's an endurance and if I think too much about it I get sad.
My house move has been put on hold. This after waiting 8 months to sell so I'm now looking at the whole process taking well over a year to complete. The move is to ease my financial situation and finalise the separation from my abusive husband. So every week of delay feels significant in the sense that I feel stuck and that I can't move on with my life.
I'm still working, partly from home but also having to go in (teacher) and this is stressful as we have no protection.
Then there's the fact that I can't meet up with my new partner. We were nowhere near the stage of living together so couldn't lockdown together but the being apart is so painful. Face time etc is just not the same as physically being with the one you love. I miss seeing him dreadfully and not knowing how long it will be til we can be together again is awful.
So yes, for me, tbh it's all a bit shit. But I can see that for others it can be a more positive experience.

Only 4 weeks you say! 4 weeks without a face-to-face conversation is quite a long time. Never been through that before.
And I go days without a virtual conversation as well.
If you were placed on house arrest for 4 weeks because you'd committed a crime, you wouldn't be happy about it, would you?

I have joy in my life, bucketloads. I realized years ago that my life in the U.K. was just one journey to earn more money to ‘upgrade’ to more expensive house, car, holiday etc etc.... my life was so timetabled and I couldn’t take a proper break as the bills needed met every month. Decided time to enjoy life was what I wanted so packed in my job, sold everything and moved country, to the back of beyond where i could afford to buy a much bigger, nicer property surrounded by my own land and no mortgage. Our now fairly minimal bills are covered by our own part time business and we make all the decisions about what and when we do stuff, it’s such a privilege. No pressure here to have anything and nobody gives a hoot if you drive a 20 year old banger or a Porsche. Lockdown is therefore not a major money worry, I have plenty to do here, I already know I can spend 24/7 with my husband and still love him! I visit the U.K. and find an under current of discontent, stress and anger, maybe because it’s a want want want society. Even on here loads of people cant wait to have a pop at others who have or are something they are not... I hope that some people will find that simple, free things actually give them joy and maybe come out of this more able to cope with modern life (or bugger of back in time like I have!)

Macaroni46 I don't think it's all personal circumstances though, I think it's personality types and other factors. I have a friend with a gorgeous house and garden, 2 lovely kids, both her and husband furloughed on 100% pay, healthy themselves, healthy family in similar circumstances and yet they are wringing their hands with anxiety and worry. Multiple messages on the group chat about how scared she is of her shopping being delivered etc. It's not unreasonable for them to feel that way, they feel how they feel but from the outside it would appear they have no reason to feel that way based on their circumstances. Compared to myself and other NHS friends- I've been in hospital this morning doing work, I'm on our gold exec committee (making decisions about resource allocation, reporting of death rates, yesterday I had to help write a notification to all employees about a death of one of our own) I know several people personally who've died. I'll likely never see my beloved grandparents again. Yet I have joy, as does a doctor colleague/ friend of mine. Like depression, it would appear that joy transcends circumstances.

tired of people moaning about minor things
What in your books are minor things?

I can understand entirely people with financial hardship and uncertainty having an awful & worrying time as well as those worrying about the health & welfare of them/ their family

I can understand people who are locked down in abusive situations also having a dreadful time and anyone else who was already in a shitty period of life this whole thing making it worse

I can understand entirely frontline staff dealing with awful situations and worry and stress having a bad time

But for others who can take the financial hit and are locked down at home in a safe situation - this has been for less than a month for goodness sake. Yes queuing for the supermarket is annoying and not being able to go out to places is an inconvenience, not seeing family & friends is hard, changing your routines and life is frustrating .......but we are not in a state of deprivation some seem to suggest. Talk of all joy being sucked out of life forever, not volunteering because u don't like people anymore, etc etc is just as dramatic as the social distancing police.

Only 4 weeks you say! 4 weeks without a face-to-face conversation is quite a long time. Never been through that before.
And I go days without a virtual conversation as well.
If you were placed on house arrest for 4 weeks because you'd committed a crime, you wouldn't be happy about it, would you?

Yes. Only 4 weeks so far, I say. I am not saying it's the easiest thing ever, it certainly isn't, but putting it into perspective helps. It really has been only 4 weeks. It is really only temporary. In a grand scheme of things this time is nothing. A blip. Such a small part of our lives. If you get to live to 80 you would live a total 4171 weeks. 8 out of them is just a drop in the ocean. It genuinely helps me to deal with things when I lay it out like this. Maybe it can help someone else too.

And no. I wouldn't be happy, obviously 🤷🏻 I got caught!

@Namechanger0800 you said it perfectly!

But we are not in house arrest are we - we can go out to walk, cycle etc everyday and we can go to shops for basic necessities

Unless u are in self isolation for 12 weeks which is Obviously harder

I think these are hard times for many people, but that doesn't mean no joy will ever return.

My (now deceased himself) father told me once that when he lost a sibling at a relatively young age, he remembered coming home from the funeral and thinking he would never feel a moment of happiness again because the loss was too great. But even within a short space of time, things happened that brought back the joy - a nice day, a baby being born, a dog wanting attention. All the tiny things.

I've always remembered his words, and they saw me through a dark period when I was suffering from quite crippling depression.

Happier times can come if you make sure to notice the good things as well as the bad, and not push the happy thoughts away.

I've been up and down but feel pretty good today.

DCs are pootling about happily with Lego and not demanding anything from me. They sorted their own breakfast. Cat is sitting on my lap purring happily. I've just managed to get a Tesco slot for the first time in ages. I've had a nice shower and feel positive about today. Content in a way.

However I really miss my family, my job and my friends. Would love to go for a beach trip or lunch out. Worried about my brother who's a hospital doctor. I miss my nan who passed away a few days ago. I'm worried about the future. Disappointed as we should be on holiday this week and had booked another for the summer.

It's possible to feel different feelings at the same time I think.