To ask about realising you have ADHD as an adult?

[Littleninja1]

I'd find hearing other's experiences really valuable. I have realised gradually that I am just not normal. After being diagnosed with mental health issues since my early teens, nothing has helped long term and nothing I've been diagnosed with really reflects me (I'm mid-30s now) and the older I get the more I realise the gulf between me and other people of my age.

I fit a number of criteria for ADHD women. I'm hesitant to go to the GP about it though and I don't know if there is a point to the diagnosis. However, I would like treatment if it does help. Therefore I'd love to hear from others first to decide if this fits and if I should pursue it.

Could you tell me how you realised you may have ADHD as an adult?

In what ways are you different to others?

Did getting a diagnosis help and how?

How long did it take to get diagnosed and was it a stressful process?

I am currently pursuing diagnosis myself. It was as a result of the children getting a diagnosis, speaking with their Drs and realising most of my issues could easily be down to ADHD, even as an adult. If nothing else, I need to know and potentially get off meds which I have been on for years under the diagnosis of PND - my youngest are 8, I think that is somewhat taking the piss to still be relevant now.

I've had some forms to fill in and sends back. I did one set, there was one for DH and another for someone who had known me as a child - I got an old friend to complete them for me. Sent them off and am now waiting again.

I've heard it's quite common for parents to realise one or both of them have ADHD as a result of a child being diagnosed. It's more recognised now in schools. I remember when I was growing up my DM (a teacher) believed ADHD was due to bad parenting. There is a lot more research now which demonstrates the differences in the brain structure and that is nothing to do with parenting style.

@minisoksmakehardwork I hear what you're saying about previous diagnosis not making sense anymore. I have been diagnosed with eating disorders, mood disorders, anxiety etc but I actually think there is a root cause of this and that could be ADHD. I don't know though.

What sort of things do you do that makes you think you have it?

For me it's being totally useless at self-discipline and self-motivation. I feel overwhelmed by very normal low key things like cleaning the house or food shopping. I don't follow through on barely anything after an initial burst of interest and don't even start hobbies now as I feel such a failure. Since school I have achieved very little. I have a good job but that's because I wing it and can think fast - I am a very unproductive person and feel like an imposter :( It's also taken me a long time to realise this as my self-awareness was poor. I thought I was a stressed, busy person but actually that's in my head. Externally I do very little and internally I'm a mess from the pressure I feel to do stuff! Does any of this relate to your experience? I'm finding it hard to access good information about women with ADHD as everything seems to refer to forgetting your phone and keys all the time. Conversely, I'm the opposite with stuff like that as I'm so paranoid about losing things and being lost and not knowing what to do. I keep my stuff with me at all times. I feel a lot like a child who needs to be told what to do all the time even though I try so, so hard not to be like that

Much the same as you. Motivation is a massive issue. I procrastinate terribly, more so than other people I know. I interrupt people when they are talking, even though I know I do it and I try really hard not to. Apparently that is a 'thing' with ADHD.

I have started 101 hobbies and continued with none, unless I am outdoors in which case I can walk or cycle for miles at a time. I get very frustrated when things don't turn out the way I want - I have taken up sewing, knitting, crochet, glass painting, pyrography to name a few!

When it comes to work, I found when I was in an office job, I could hold it together for the most part, but things did come unravelled in spectacular style. The things I was good at always got done, but the work I struggled with, didn't. And that had an impact on other colleagues.

I have always struggled with my emotions and controlling them. When I get angry I tend to end up in a blubbering mess. Growing up this was always a problem as I couldn't express myself in a way which was heard. Therefore I was always the one who was in the wrong.

I adored school and school work but struggled to keep up with the perfectionist in me. And I was bullied terribly throughout secondary school. I was seeing an ed psych for a while but at the time I felt he was unfairly blaming my parents for my issues. Now I see that they were not supporting me in the way that parents should but were making things I genuinely couldn't help, all my fault without seeking to find strategies to manage them.

Financially I am a mess. I struggle to manage finances on a daily basis and have always been a spender rather than a saver. Some might say this isn't an ADHD thing, but when you put it with everything else, it is one more tick on the list.

A lot of the time it feels like my brain is running faster than the rest of me. So I can be thinking of things which are coming up but completely forgetting what I am supposed to be doing in that moment, which does lead me to lose things, put things down and forget where they are, forget what I am supposed to be doing - DH bought me a kitchen timer as a 'joke' present as I burned so many dinners when I got distracted doing something else.

Since it was first mentioned as a possibly, I have felt a calm that I don't ever remember feeling. And since the children received their diagnosis's, because I am constantly looking for ways in which to help them, I am finding new ways in which to help myself as well. But these are things I wouldn't necessarily have come across if I wasn't looking to make sure they didn't feel as I did growing up.

Have a look at the 'DIVA - diagnostic interview for ADHD in adults'. Should come up if you Google.

You have to fulfil a number of criteria in childhood and adulthood. Obviously you can't assess or diagnose yourself but it'll give you a good idea if your suspicions may be correct.

Be aware however that if you want an assessment on the NHS, a lot of Adult ADHD services have waiting lists running up to 2/3 of even more years and some areas have no adult provision at all.

This is going to worsen due to COVID as a lot of services are shut down or running on skeleton staff (to do prescriptions for current patients only) as staff are being redeployed cue to COVID.

The current inadequate funding is extremely unlikely to improve after COVID also so waiting lists may rise further.

I was diagnosed as a child but my parents didn't want to go down the medication route (which now I kind of agree with) but I have always struggled with it, in school and now as an adult it's so hard for me to be motivated yet I can do well under certain types of pressure. I don't have any coping mechanisms and sadly no advice but I'd love if others could offer some advice as I am currently working from home and it feels so much worse :(

I looked into getting a private diagnosis because, as PP have said, getting it looked into on the NHS is a VERY lengthy process.

I'm pretty convinced I have it - but realistically the only treatment seems to be medicine, which whilst has good results does come with side effects...

My best friend's boyfriend was recently diagnosed (which is what sparked me to look into it) and he got a private diagnosis and his first prescription privately. Cost a fortune, though now he gets his meds on the NHS.

Both my children have Adhd. Ive known since I was young I was different and in early 20s received a borderline personality diagnosis which many years later I don’t believe fits.

I read an article written by a woman with adhd and it was a lightbulb moment. I got a private diagnosis as my gp refused. No funding for adult assessment apparently. I medicated for a while, but again my gp refused to allow me to get medication on the nhs, privately was expensive. I'm not actually convinced it was massively helpful, I could focus better, but indiscriminately.
What has helped is a better understanding of myself, me being kinder to myself and trying to work around my difficulties.
Although all that has gone to shit at the moment, I'm not dealing with lockdown well.
Understanding that I have no concept of time has helped quite a bit.
Looking back I'm amazed I was unaware until I was 35.

I present as intelligent but super flaky, really messy, really slow to get stuff done, unable to stick at things, always late, a dreamer - I switch between being totally in my own head and talking 10 to the dozen. Occasionally reckless, especially when I was younger, sometimes very impulsive, but mostly paralyzed by indecision.
As a kid I really struggled with friendships, and I still don't really understand why, possibly I was just a bit odd. Now I have lots of good friends, maybe I was immature?
If I'd understood my adhd before having kids I might not have started a family, its definitely made parenting difficult..but now my kids are 9 & 12 I am finally enjoying motherhood.

I struggled as a child, I was always that child swinging on her chair and staring out of the window then watching the rest of the class scribbling away at their work wondering how they know what they're meant to be doing as all I heard was muffled background noice from the teacher.
I have never been organised and get bored so easily I find work intolerable.

My parents were advised by a teacher to get me tested for ADHD which I then asked my mum what it was and she said it's a label for children who don't behave and told me to pull myself together or I'd be known as the dunts.

They were prim and proper and very old fashioned.

I am married now and a stay home mum and just get by with my husbands understanding.

I always feel like I'm living in a fog and the outside is going on around me but I can't quite focus on it and in conversation I try to listen but end up thinking of other things or lose track of what they're saying and get bored and often stare into space but not in my own little world just kind of numb. Although I'm often in my own little world too.

I once got a job in an office but just swivelled on my chair and drummed with my pens on the desk because no amount of training was going to sink in.
I left school with nothing and have never been able learn anything since despite going to college it just runs over my head and I leave the lesson having remembered nothing.

I would love to get tested but I don't know any of my teachers now and I don't think my parents would come to the doctors as they don't believe in ADHD but I've read so many books and articles and I tick all the boxes.

In America they diagnose it so quickly and a lot of kids are medicated, some unnecessarily. I suspect the UK is trying to avoid that as the drug (Ritalin) isn't great for its side effects. Sadly it tends to "numb" a lot of people out which means, although it helps with focus it takes away people's natural personality. I personally wish there was NHS services available as I really struggle and when I did once go to GP about it they just wanted to put me on anti depressants which wouldn't have helped

@Littleninja1 you are being very hard on yourself!
What's been helpful to me has been moving away from seeing myself as lazy or unmotivated but rather a accepting that I need to work harder than neurotypical people to get things done. Once I understood that I was able to put in strategies that helped me.
For example I really struggle with food, I find the decision making around it overwhelming. My solution is to sit down with dh once a week and plan every meal, I write a shopping list at the same time, that means day to day I just refer to our diary.
I work part time and on my day off I set aside time to make sure I'm on top of the kids events. Other people might just be able to do this in an odd minute, but I have to set aside an hour a week.
At work, I'm a teacher, I have a timetable, I can not work without a big clock on my wall and a poster I made of the timing of each lesson. Been there 4 years, still need the poster!

Think it's also good to acknowledge strengths, people with adhd are often bright, empathetic, quick thinking, interesting.. you say you wing it, is it not that actually you have a good understanding and are able to communicate that well?

This has pushed me into looking at private diagnosis again.
Looks like £600+ for initial diagnosis and a prescription.

Same as everyone else - I lack concentration skills (though can hyper-focus on things to a fault as well). I don't feel very "connected" with life in general, @ChockyBicky describes it well - almost like a numbness. Occasionally I snap into "reality" and its really refreshing, like waking up, but it doesn't last long and I'll slip back into muddling along.
I don't stay interested in things past the initial intense fascination stage and I'm finding this increasingly difficult to handle.

My lack of contentment in anything could well be skewing my perception of my relationship too.

Lockdown is a NIGHTMARE because there's no distinct end to it and I'm bouncing from one activity to another with no structure or rules to keep anything in check.

I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety since I was 14. I'm now 38. I've tried 5 types of anti depressants, beta blockers, CBT three times, hypnotherapy and psychotherapy.
The CBT did wonders for my anxiety but as I was coming to the end of my 6 months of psychotherapy last May I bit the bullet and asked them to refer me for an autism assessment. I have suspected for about 10 years that I'm autistic after working with autistic children amongst many other reasons.
Unfortunately there was a 38 week waiting list and just as it was coming up to my turn for an appointment, lockdown happened so I still don't have a diagnosis or an appointment. I think it'll make an enormous difference having a substantial diagnosis.

Sorry I know you said ADHD op, I just wanted to add my experience.

It would be a few months potentially of private prescription costs following a private assessment.

Most of the ADHD medications are controlled (RED) drugs and GPs won't take over prescriptions until treatment is stabilised.

In America they diagnose it so quickly and a lot of kids are medicated, some unnecessarily. I suspect the UK is trying to avoid that as the drug (Ritalin) isn't great for its side effects. Sadly it tends to "numb" a lot of people out which means, although it helps with focus it takes away people's natural personality

I am in America and have a child who was diagnosed with ADHD. Here is our process.

We talked to the school, we filled in forms, his teachers filled in forms, we visited the school counselor, we visited his GP, then we visited an educational psychologist, then he spent two 6-hour days with the ed psych doing a whole battery of tests.

She then went through the test results with us, and wrote a 15 page report with recommendations.

The process took about 3 months. By the end of it we knew several incredibly valuable things about DS, how his brain works, what he struggles with, and how to help him.

We gave the ed psych report to the school, then the school set up meetings including all his teachers and the deputy principal, as a group we came up with his 504 plan.

We hold a meeting each year, and have two meetings in years where he has major changes (like a move from middle to high school).

He is medicated, and it makes a massive difference to how he copes with school and life. It does have some side effects - mostly on his appetite - but it certainly hasn't numbed his personality in the slightest.

He also has many other adjustments in place, which also make a massive difference to how he copes with school and life.

The main difference is that he is much happier.

One of the results of this whole thing is we're all now aware that MIL has ADD - it explains the struggles she's had throughout her life with organisation, being on time, focusing on conversations or tasks. She's not medicated, but she has put in place many coping strategies without ever actually receiving a diagnosis.

I do now look at certain friends and colleagues differently now I understand more about ADD - I understand more what they're struggling with, and especially with colleagues I sometimes help them put in place systems to help them focus and work more effectively.

Thank you so much for sharing everyone. I really appreciate the honesty here. It makes me feel very vulnerable to write all this about myself and so I imagine many of you feel the same.

@Drogonssmile I hope you manage to get seen. I've wondered about autism too. A couple things have held me back from taking that further though such as the trait of autistic people being really invested in one or two hobbies and often with science or engineering and I'm the opposite to that. What makes you think that you might be? Do you think you have ADHD as well as that?

I was nodding along to so many points PP have made. I've looked at the DIVA now and would tick yes for a lot of it. However the thing which makes me question it is that I really excelled in school. It was literally my highest achievement! BUT I had an extremely involved mother and my focus throughout childhood was pleasing her so I do wonder if that was what kept me motivated? Has anyone else had that experience as it seems more common is being bright but unable to apply it to school work?

@wonderstuff thanks for the kind words. That's really inspiring actually to hear you are a teacher and have ADHD! What you've said about developing strategies for yourself really resonates. I feel like my whole life is about developing strategies, haha. And I am exactly the same with the food thing. Breakfast is the only meal I don't struggle with because they are clear, limited options. Lunch and dinner throw me and especially if I have to cook for someone else. I feel like other people have some kind of guidebook and I'm desperate to get hold of it but no matter what it's just out of reach. And if I had it, I'd forget I had it and have to stick up a post it to remind me I own it and to check it.

@minisoksmakehardwork you mentioned about being emotional and that really resonates as well. I've been described as volatile and sensitive my whole life. I am 0 - 60 in seconds but I also get over my anger and frustration very quickly. When I was younger this was just seen as temper tantrums and then teenage hormones but I'm now in my 30s and am the same. I've tried so many things like SSRIs, meditation, yoga, CBT, extensive psychotherapy etc. These things have helped me in many ways (except SSRIs) but I still feel like I'm just trying so hard all the time to control myself.

I realised maybe 18 months ago and was diagnosed in November, however that was only because they messed up my referral and ended up putting it through as urgent. I’m on methylphenidate now and it’s life changing TBH. Will come back later as very sleepy atm 😳

My other experience is that once I told people my son had been tested and diagnosed with ADHD and some other processing issues, they started telling me about their children's diagnosed and undiagnosed issues.

It was fascinating - the way our brains process information can vary so much. Also finding out how they'd help their child overcome their issues was very helpful.

IV suspected I have ADHD for some time, but I don't have any faith in being diagnosed so it's not going to improve any time soon. I'm 41, IV been on antidepressants since 29. At 29 I quit my uni degree as I was just too scattered to apply myself. I think some things that was labelled as possibly bipolar are actually ADHD, such as a history of I'll thought out decisions, and an inability to manage money properly. I always feel flustered, but like you said, I actually achieve very little. My youngest is 3 so the house is full of toys and crafts, which I find very stressful, ideally I would like to be very mimimulist so as not to feel overwhelmed, I have gone through periods of extreme decluttering and depersonalisation, so I own very little in terms of personal/ houseware. I'm always at odds with the mother I want to be Vs what I am. My eldest son is also undiagnosed (was on different waiting lists from age 5 to 16), and came out of school age 11. If I could afford to be seen privately I wouldn't hesitate.

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder so you have to have had significant symptoms in childhood. Sometimes that can be masked by structures put in place by parents etc so talk to your parents about how they thought you were back then.

The difficulty with apparent ADHD symptoms in adulthood is that they can be also often be seen in anxiety, substance misuse, depression, trauma, and personality disorders. But then all of those are also commonly seen comorbidly with ADHD.

So any decent adult ADHD assessment would be wanting to see school reports and talk to parents or others that knew you as a child.

You can excell academically if very bright but still have school reports saying you day dream, hand work in late, don't bring the right things to lessons, are late to lessons, easily distracted, forgetful etc.

But school reports saying excelling academically, always listens attentively, concentrates well, very organised, all work handed in on time, always on time for lessons, never interrupts, always wait their turn etc would not point towards ADHD being present in childhood. And if not present in childhood, it can't be in adulthood.

There are lot of similarities between adhd and autism and lots of people have both diagnoses. I think 50% of people with dyslexia, adhd, asd and dyspraxia have one or more of the other conditions.

You can excell academically if very bright but still have school reports saying you day dream, hand work in late, don't bring the right things to lessons, are late to lessons, easily distracted, forgetful etc.

Yes - I have one of these too. She refuses to contemplate any diagnosis, and as she's so academically bright she manages to sort of muscle through school and university. And she's a girl, and I think girls are less likely to be diagnosed, and are good at masking symptoms.

If she's managing through Uni she might be okay, especially if living away from home.

Sixth form/Uni is often where it falls apart for academically able people with ADHD who have previously been supported with a school routine/parents etc.

A-levels is the time when the timetable is less structured with more 'free' study time and people usually stop chasing you/chivvying you along and expect you to organise your own workload etc and self-direct your learning.

Uni even more so.

I'm diagnosed as autistic and am certain that I would be diagnosed with ADHD as well - but I can't afford to go private and don't want to stretch the NHS further. Knowing it about myself though has helped me be calmer about my faults generally.