To ask about realising you have ADHD as an adult?

[Littleninja1]

I'd find hearing other's experiences really valuable. I have realised gradually that I am just not normal. After being diagnosed with mental health issues since my early teens, nothing has helped long term and nothing I've been diagnosed with really reflects me (I'm mid-30s now) and the older I get the more I realise the gulf between me and other people of my age.

I fit a number of criteria for ADHD women. I'm hesitant to go to the GP about it though and I don't know if there is a point to the diagnosis. However, I would like treatment if it does help. Therefore I'd love to hear from others first to decide if this fits and if I should pursue it.

Could you tell me how you realised you may have ADHD as an adult?

In what ways are you different to others?

Did getting a diagnosis help and how?

How long did it take to get diagnosed and was it a stressful process?

Just want to say that for anyone who finds losing stuff a nightmare I recommend tile. You stick a tile to your stuff (keys, remote control, wallet..) and have an app on your phone, the two connect on bluetooth and beep when you've lost one. Best thing I've ever bought.

I'm a nurse and used to run an adhd clinic!! I was assessed by colleagues and meet several of the criteria, always been highly creative, day dreamer, "flaky" mood swings, lose and get overwhelmed by everything even booking the car in for an mot. Start a thousand and one different craft projects, never finish them. Clever so managed at school but didn't cope v well with uni as couldn't plan and organise work, long term sleep diffs, procrastinate, agonise over simple tasks, crap with money, over attach in friendships historically although opposite now as been burnt so many times.

What helps? Loads of exercise and a kind of ocd about the house and where everything goes..still lose my keys and glasses every single day though!!

I struggled all the way through school and was constantly told off for not paying attention. Even though I worked so hard at school and tried to do my best, I still did badly in my exams. I went through years of mental health problems because of it.

It was only when we were told that our DS1 had ADD that I started recognising similarities. DS3 was pretty obvious that he has ADHD from when he was a toddler and he was diagnosed with autism last year too. @Littleninja what you wrote sounds so familiar to me too.

My ex has just been diagnosed as an adult. He's started medication and it seems to be helping. Most people seem to need to get a private diagnosis as adults. Nhs gp has recognised shared care agreement and prescription though and he got an NHS appointment through just before lockdown. He finds the demands of family life (hence the ex in some ways he left) and increasingly senior work management extremely difficult. As a family we're trying to consider the adhd in any demands we place on him, trying to adapt to it etc. I hope a diagnosis makes him happier in himself. We'll have to wait and see.

nuitdesetoiles I also over invested in friends and I can see my DD (5) doing it. She is so earnest and keen about things and they are just not as interested.
Agree about the car-I cannot cope with car maintenance or IT or anything technical and DH does that
I struggle to read things on a computer screen at work. If it’s more than a few sentences my eyes skip to the end and before I know it I’ve zoned out. White text on black and menus in restaurants are a problem. Words are dancing about.
I exercise and eat low carb which helps me.

I went on Amazon and read the start of the book 'Women with ADHD'. I feel such relief I've burst into tears. I feel like it's not all my fault and I'm not just a bad person that can't discipline themselves. And actually perhaps I don't need to fix anything, I just need to understand myself and be who I am.

I have a friend who was diagnosed about 5 years ago and she said almost exactly this. She's been so much happier since then.

I would like to read that book. For years I had therapy and even was told I had post natal anxiety and was medicated. I tried so hard to change and be normal. I now agree with the poster you quoted Lobster. I generally accept myself now as I am. I accept a lot of people (it’s mainly women) don’t like me and think I’m weird. I now say “so what”.

Only just gone back onto mn again in recent weeks...how to you tag?!

I'd like to read the book too...never heard of it before! Didn't have decent female friends until late 30s...the early 30s trying to fit in at babygroups/toddler groups with all those idetikit women were hell. The rejection I experienced there made my pnd even worse.

Now I "own" my slightly off beam identity....will wear my denim hotpants and cowboy boots with pride...at the front at festivals and gigs dancing like crazy... diving in the water at open swim places in my bikini whilst everyone else is wearing full on kit..it's who I am!!

I have the book mentioned above. I haven't finished reading it, which is pretty typical of me! But what I did read gave me the same reaction as pp. I cried. Not only with relief, but with frustration that I had spent so many years thinking I was useless and lazy.

DS(11) was about to attend his first assessment for ADHD, following a workshop I attended. Unfortunately this has been cancelled because of the current pandemic. I always thought his ADHD came from his dad's side of the family, as there are a number of diagnosed relatives (definitely believe DP has it too). But I did a FutureLearn online course about ADHD a while back (would highly recommend - and it's free) and one lady was talking about her experience of being diagnosed as an adult. She mentioned having suffered from anxiety all her life and I wondered, just wondered, for the first time ever, if there was a chance that my anxiety could be ADHD related. I specifically looked up info on women with ADHD and it was as if a light came on. I had been pushing DP to pursue a diagnosis without realising that I exhibited many of the symptoms myself. Not the more publicised risk taking, charging about like the Duracell bunny symptoms, but the daydreaming, lack of organisation, not engaging with anything I deemed boring etc. I constantly missed half of what the teacher was saying at school and still find myself nodding in all the right places when people are giving me instructions or information, but absorbing very little. I'm 53, so very late to the party, but I do cut myself a little bit of slack now instead of feeling like a failure at every bloody thing.

nuit you put an asterisk either side of the word you wish to highlight.
I agree about friends. I feel it’s been a long old road! I was lucky at secondary school-there were lots of geeks and my best mate is diagnosed adhd so we get each other. I generally do find men accept my ways...also I find being potentially adhd (and certainly considered strange) gives us more empathy for others who are misfits.

Does anyone grind their teeth? I do and my DD (5) does!

I havent been down the diagnosis route as such, but my daughter is autistic. I've been on a few courses and the more I learnt and heard other people's experiences, the more I could relate. For instance, there were behaviours one parent discussed at some lengths which I actually did as a child myself (up until I was about 13 so I can remember how I felt, how those behaviours made me feel etc) and through life I have always struggled socially. People always see me as this confident person but inside I prefer my own company and I say things which can be seen as socially awkward. It really didnt hit me though until recently.

Luckily it hasn't affected my mental health and I have progressed through life in a way where I am happy and content now. So I dont think a formal diagnosis would achieve anything or change my life, therefore I have chosen not to go down that path. But I know I am autistic. 100% and it is fine, because it doesn't change who I am as a person. It just explains a lot

@saimeasy yes I do! And my kids do too when they are asleep. The sound is unbearable!!!!

My husband hated the nouse I would make asleep, I had to wear a teeth guard for 5 years as it got really bad when I was going through a stressful period in my life. But I think it's very common, just worry about my kids teeth !

He hasn't mentioned it in a few years now so I assume I've stopped or he is just used to the noise!!!

@Siameasy, I do! I grind them at night and clench them together for much of the day. I don't notice the clenching until I get a headache and only found out how bad the grinding was when I had to have a cracked tooth extracted. Dentist said it was almost certainly caused by grinding. Could've been Thornton's toffee though

I’ve heard it’s related to ADHD. I’ve done it all my life. Agree it’s an awful sound. DD is five and I wake her up when she does it
What about finger picking-anyone do that? I do. When I was on beta blockers for the so called post natal anxiety it stopped. I hated the beta blockers long term tho. They caused weight gain.
I feel like I have too much adrenaline hence the constant urge to move/grind teeth/fiddle etc

I was diagnosed as a child and haven't taken medication since my teens.

I remember reading that people with ADHD are usually dopamine deficient and that craving carbs/sugar can be a symptom of this (I certainly have a ridiculously bad sweet tooth).

We can also require higher levels of stimulation due to our reward system having a different baseline, or something like that. I read a really interesting piece about how ADHD men would likely have been top of the tree in a Paleolithic society as restlessness would've been conducive to an environment where progress was usually attained by trying new things, exploring new areas, experimenting with new resources etc.

I read an interesting article by a doctor whose patient was struggling with his office job and could only get by with an elaborate 'multitasking' approach to keep him from distraction - listening to music while working and regularly stopping to look at stuff online. When he switched careers and decided to run a startup bhai was these symptoms all but disappeared as his role (constantly changing and blending various roles) was perfectly suited to his attributes.

I struggled in an office but cope really well in a job that has me rushing around different depots doing different things. Not sure if I'd go on Ritalin again as I just felt....different. Defo helped me focus but also felt a bit like I was on speed.

Thanks for sharing everyone. Internet info can be quite conflicting. Listening to Rob Baskind's videos has been eye opening but much of what he says isn't reflected in the regular info eg his focus on emotions, rejection.

I keep going back and doubting myself. I don't grind my teeth or fidget at all. I actually find fidgeting irritating. But I don't know if that's because my DM hated fidgeting so much and I tend to hate the stuff she hates . I also don't relate to the forgetfulness for things and appointments. I put appointments in my Google calendar straight away and set about five reminders at various time frames. I have never lost a phone or keys, but I don't really get how I would as they are straight in my bag at all times. Also, with bills I have direct debits so I don't know how to know if I forget them.

I feel flustered by things though. I get lost A LOT. I go the wrong direction on buses a lot. When emails come in I feel like I have to reply immediately or I won't do it. I set times to do tasks in my work calendar but then I don't do them.

I start tidying something at home and that leads to give other things all intermingled. If I read an article I have three more tabs open by the end of it as it's prompted other thoughts or interests.

Is this just normal?

I will go for diagnosis but because it's all self reported I don't really trust it. I also find it hard to see things in myself. For example I don't think I'm impulsive because I can't stand shopping and rarely buy things because I find "things" overwhelming. My house is so cluttered. But impulsive in relationships? Yes, very. And in what I say and if I want to storm out or go and do something? Yes.

Procrastination is huge for me though. My DH found a pension form that I'd written "To do" on. The date was 2010 he did it all for my in 2018. 8 years doesn't seem that bad to me, haha!

Oh god I don't mean Rob Baskind I mean Russell Barkley that does these videos

That actually is a classic mistake I make. I regularly mix up words and names if they have the same letters at the start or end or I can only remember one part. I have trouble remembering faces too.

If this hadn't been going on so long I would think I had early onset dementia!

I've had a private assessment and been diagnosed with ADHD - combined type. Sharing in case useful for anyone else x

@PsQsAndFs I think there are three reasons that it's worth getting a diagnosis:

1. To access medication, especially if you are having trouble with work or other commitments
2. Validation and self-esteem, realising it's not all "character flaws"
3. Special dispensation for exams, employer, etc

And if none of those are needed by the person then I agree. It's not worth the stress unless the benefit to you personally make it worth while.

It's interesting your DH has ADD, I kept reading that was more common in women. And I have ADHD combined which is usually in men. I actually feel this explains a lot of why I've struggled with female relationships so much and the complexity of them. I'm more the type that wants to spur of the moment go and do an activity rather than plan in advance and that's doesn't work well with female friendships in my experience but my DH and his mates do it all the time. Does your DH have similar issues fitting in with his mates?

I was studying neuroscience at uni and the professor said something brief about ADHD and it was like a light switch on, I spent the whole lecture researching it. Went to the special needs office, I was already registered becuase I'm dyslexic. They just gave me the help I needed and didn't test me. So I didn't really get the closure, if I'd talk about it everyone would say "no you're not" and I felt like I just didn't know who I was. Kept doing those online test constantly and reading about it, really fixating on it.
Eventually I went to the GP armed with a folder of information about autism in women, why I think it applies to me, even a list of the places local who can do adult diagnoses. She didn't even read it, just referred me, I couldn't understand why at the time, no I realise that that level of fixation and preparation was in its self a massive autism flag! 🤣 or maybe she read it after, I dont know.

I got a letter a few weeks, maybe 4-6 later with an appointment that week. I was dead anxious but the clinic was awesome, so many direction, the receptionist even explained the toilet whereabouts and a specific feature of the door. They had tea and coffee. The diagnosis takes a long time, a lot of talking, can be quite emotional thinking about the times you've struggled and really identifying the things "wrong" with you. They let you have the room as you're most comfortable, I dont like brightness. The guy I had was lovely, my perfect kind of person go be able to talk to. At the end he went through a little summary with me. Three key parts of autism and ticked them off on adiagram on A piece of paper as he went. I actually felt like I could cry from relief and panic when he ticked that last one. I was super emotional, didn't expect that.

So, my differences are, I have a sensory processing disorder, not all autists do, I can't handle loud noises and bright lights. I dont like physical touch, cant hug people, cant stand close to people. I dont make eye contact, its uncomfortable for me. Scents are strong triggers for me, I once travelled back to another country a day away becuase I wanted go buy something the smell of which reminded me of someone I've lost. I have social anxiety, I struggle in social situation, I can manage and fake my way through but I feel the anxiety pounding through my body. I like firm plans and dont like plans changing. I'll make plans for Christmas in october, buy presents a month before the date. I struggle with time keeping which has made me be early for everything and I'm anxious all day about being late fo something, or for days before if its something big, I'll constantly check the date and time to make sure I didn't misread it. I really struggled socially at school and dont really have any friends now, people just dont seem to accept me, I try and try and think I've made friends then something happens and I realise they're not my friends then I feel embarrassed.