To ask about realising you have ADHD as an adult?

[Littleninja1]

I'd find hearing other's experiences really valuable. I have realised gradually that I am just not normal. After being diagnosed with mental health issues since my early teens, nothing has helped long term and nothing I've been diagnosed with really reflects me (I'm mid-30s now) and the older I get the more I realise the gulf between me and other people of my age.

I fit a number of criteria for ADHD women. I'm hesitant to go to the GP about it though and I don't know if there is a point to the diagnosis. However, I would like treatment if it does help. Therefore I'd love to hear from others first to decide if this fits and if I should pursue it.

Could you tell me how you realised you may have ADHD as an adult?

In what ways are you different to others?

Did getting a diagnosis help and how?

How long did it take to get diagnosed and was it a stressful process?

Oh I have ASD not ADHD.

@Nottherealslimshady (great username!) I can really relate to that feeling. I do have some overlap with you with sensory processing. Mine is smell and noise and darkness, rather than light. I just remembered how I made my DH leave an Airbnb with me as I couldn't stand the smell. And there's been a smell in our bedroom for weeks now that he barely notices and I have to use scented candles, lavender mists etc as it drives me so mad I can't sleep. Little things like this now make sense. Before, I thought everyone felt this way but everyone else was controlling themselves much better and able to reason their way out of it. Now I see it's actually that they don't feel that way at all and I do.

It sounds like you have some extra challenges and it must be tiring for you trying to fit into conventional social norms. I hope you do find some real friends who understand you and love you for who you are

I just wanted to tell you about my experience of medicating DS for his ADHD. When he was diagnosed, he was in year 2 and was having so many problems. He found maintaining friendships difficult, was constantly distracted during lessons and was getting very little work done. With everything being so shit, and the medication available, I decided that I would be doing DS a huge disservice if I didn’t at least try it. A couple of days later, I was called into school at pick up time. I went in expecting the usual run down of negative behaviour through the day, and was instead presented with DS’s writing book. He’d written a page and a half! He had literally gone from barely being able to get one sentence written, to writing a page and a half!!

The medication suppress his appetite. He no longer eats lunch. His sleeping 7-7 has been blown out of the water and he falls asleep much later, 9/10/11 - which has taken some getting used to!

DS’s ADHD means that he acts inconsequentially - he doesn’t think about the consequences. He’s impulsive - hugely impulsive! The medication however, allows for a thought making process to take place, and so he has more control over his impulses and his reactions. Over time, that’s allowed us to work on his coping strategies.

With work from both of us, we’ve slowly unpicked the low self esteem and negative cycles that had developed from years of being misunderstood and told off constantly for things he has very little control over.

DS is still very much DS. It hasn’t affected his personality - he definitely isn’t a zombie.

Oh I'd totally say that's totally a sensory processing disorder. I think the guy who did my assessment explained that it's about how much it affects you. So someone else could walk in to that room think "oh that's a funny smell" then never think of it again. But your brain cant let that go. Like I couldn't let it go that that soap smelled of nana and travelled 2 days round trip to go back and get it! 🤣 I also have a reduced pain response as part of the same thing, which is handy I guess.
It's funny because my diagnosis is that I'm very autistic but I've kinda managed ok, like I'm still here, luckily I'm very fixated on assessing my own thoughts and feelings so I self manage a lot and have worked on my boundaries so I dont get pressured into situations I'm not comfortable with.

I'd definitely recommend finding out either way, I dont have regular meetings which I was a bit sad about but I didn't qualify for the funding apparently, it's quite a stretched service. I dont Have medication either, so cant comment on that. It's just good to know why I feel like I do and be able to assign those feelings to the actual cause. Theres a humour in it now that wasn't there before.

Have you noticed if you stim at all? So that's using certain movement to express stress. Ie. I wave my hands alot, if I meltdown I press against a wall, the solid force helps channel that energy out of me.

@GinghamStyle oh wow that really interesting to hear, I always thought it was just about dulling a person. How does he feel on it? or is he too young to explain? I never wanted to try medication becuase i was scared of feeling cloudy-tried antidepressants once but I felt like I'd lost the little control i have of my mind

DS is now 12, and we’ve recently changed meds as the effectiveness of methylphenidate apparently wanes as they get older. I think he gets frustrated at times when he can’t zone out like he can without the meds, but on the whole doesn’t seem to have any gripes with them. I’ll see if I can get him to tell me about how he feels on them when we’re able to have a proper chat. I have to catch him in the right mood to have an insightful conversation, so it might be a few days.

Can I jump in please?

I only began to suspect I have ADHD in the last couple of years when I have been reading into ASD/ADHD as my son has struggled all through school. He's late teens now and bounced around several different schools throughout his education

His symptoms are unable to sit still and focus, no interest in drawing or reading, not even playing with toys. At the age of 6 he would hyper focus on computer games and that was our relief.
By age 4 he was horrendous and difficult to manage. Inappropriate behaviour at school, sensory seeking behaviour, no sense of fear, blurting out in school, butting in at home. Couldn't stop talking. (Shouting)

As he got older all schools said it wasn't adhd it was just him choosing bad behaviour.
By high school his anxiety was through the roof. He didn't understand what he was meant to be doing a lot of the time and fell behind. Teachers assumed this was laziness.

I looking into possibilities for his behaviour I came across adhd in women and was absolutely knocked sideways by the description of how it feels and mentally it went tick, tick, tick.

At school I was the opposite of my son, I was so quiet and anxious I barely spoke a word. I would explode at home though with outbursts of rage and violence. Things that would trigger me were being unable to find things or my sister making a mess in our room. I couldn't handle things being disorganised and messy. I now know I had selective mutism, unable to talk to teachers and would cry if picked out to answer questions.
With friends and siblings I was wild and fun.

At nights I struggled to fall asleep and I remember my mother having to take the ticking clock out of my room as it kept me awake. I teeth grinded and have done so my whole life, even now in my forties and my teeth are a mess.

I have chronic anxiety but my mind races and whirs 10000miles an hour.

I struggle with following detailed instructions, for example I struggle to cook as I've never learned to follow a recipe. I get through life by the seat of my pants, winging it. I have a reasonably high IQ but failed all my exams at school.

I didn't take anything in and couldn't study. I am a very visual learner and learn by doing, almost self taught. I have always been sensitive and emotional. I fly off the handle quickly and over-react, I still do this.

These character traits obviously made me unpopular with my family members and I remember being bullied by my parents and called obnoxious and various other things. I always felt unloved and unliked, this has caused ongoing MH problems in adulthood which were polarised in my pregnancy and birth of my son.

I'm at the point now where I live my life in a fog of anxiety fear and isolation. I have job hopped and house hopped, unable to stick at one thing or in one place. This has taken its toll socially too as I keep breaking up connections I make by moving on.

I had a very high pain threshold as a child, for example I pierced my own ears with no fear or tears.

As a teenager I reacted severely to very small amounts of alcohol and turned into an absolute maniac. I would do dangerous stuff like run on railway tracks, run on motorways, dangle out of high windows I even fell off a cliff onto rocks.

I would sometimes be aggressive and start fights with people or Id be completely shameless and hook up with any boy and end up in bed with them.

In every instance I'd have absolutely zero recollection of it the following day. The black outs were filled in by my long suffering friend.

As I have got older I really cringe at my behaviour and it's only now I can see I wasn't normal.

Other things I can remember is that I was very creative and was excellent at art as a child. I had very good grasp of perspective that was advanced for my age. As an adult my strengths are thinking fast on my feet and thinking outside the box.

I am a natural problem solver and do best when I'm playing a role. I amaze my dh by my ability to think differently, I always thought it was him lacking in brain cells but I now see I have a gifted way of thinking that not every one else has.

Now, in my forties I have no relationship with my family. Things have always been difficult and my parents were very cold and unsupportive of me emotionally. I'm not sure that seeking any diagnosis would help me. I do think my father is ASD, he was very difficult to live with, my mother has already said she doesn't want to read into it.

None of my family believed my son had adhd either.

Can anyone relate to anything I've written? I have a need just now to feel validated and feel I need to know my behaviour wasn't my fault

@Failingat40 totally associate with loads of that! I have to be very very careful when drinking now so I dont lose control of my behaviour. Also a very good problem solver with high IQ, it's my saving grace, and creative but shite at art because of my poor hand eye coordination 🤣 also high pain threshold but I cant cope with needles anymore after a few hospital visits, they make me feel claustrophobic.

Thanks @Nottherealslimshady

This is an absolute revelation for me. I wonder what the connection is with the reaction to alcohol, this alcohol sensitivity continued into my late twenties!
After I turned 30 I didn't react the same way any more, I fact almost the opposite and found it hard to feel any effects of alcohol.

I've finally found my people

What I always thought it was for me is that I have such strong control over myself, I'm constantly holding back from doing all this ridiculous stuff any way, and the tiniest bit of alcohol takes that control away so my normal impulses that I stop, well, I dont stop 🤣 I'm only 25, I'll have a trial run on my 30th to see if I've grown out of it 😁

It's always nice connecting with people that are different from the masses in the same way as you

failingat40 I relate to parts of it too

I don’t take things in at all yet am fine if self-taught. Eg I do gymnastics. Have choreographed my entire floor routine from my own head with ease. Cannot follow a “set” dance at all.
Same thing with reading comprehensions at school. Read it many times-unable to answer Qs as none of it went in but really good at creative writing.
I rarely drink. Last time I did we were at a wedding venue with a balcony and I thought I might be able to fly but luckily talked myself out of it. However my reactions to booze as a younger person were within the normal expectations
I got the impression my parents weren’t keen on me and my dad was openly distainful of me tbh.
I have always ground my teeth and bitten at the skin around my nails. I feel like I have too much adrenaline and feel an urge to do this:

My son's personality certainly hasn't been dulled by meds. It just makes him more capable of dealing with life.

The days he forgets to take his meds we can tell, easily. He's hyperactive, stressed, disorganised, unfocused, and increasingly unhappy as the day progresses.

The side effects for him - he had a period where his appetite diminished but this has passed and he's now a 6' tall 14 year old with a 6-pack. And it has made it harder for him to sleep, although he was already struggling before meds.

Yes I relate to this too

I've had to sign up again just to contribute to this discussion. I couldn't remember where I had seen it. I am 54, a teacher, married with 2 older children, both living at home. My life is a mess and this lockdown has made me realise just how much of a mess it is.I continually forget passwords. I am late for everything. I have gotton the bus home before forgetting I took the car. I am always forgetting where I park the car.
It's funny but it really isn't. My DH thinks I have early onset dementia(I may have).I get lost all of the time. I can't follow a SATNAV. My spatial awareness is really poor. I can't follow compass points. I can't read a map or follow directions.
I have really bad anxiety and I catastrophise. If anything happens I always think worse case scenario which I think might be an OCD trait.
I need a lot of mental stimulation I get bored so easily. I make friends really easily but don't keep them.
My house is a mess it is so cluttered. I start things but never finish. I make lists then lose them.I have never been in a job for more than 2 years. Holding down a teaching job was impossible that is why I am now doing supply. I am very creative, I am lead by the children and their interests. I could never work smarter. I think people felt I was lazy, I wasn't, just overwhelmed.
When I was younger I engaged in a lot of reckless behaviour. When I think about it now I cringe.
As a teenager I missed a lot of school. I couldn''t go, I bunked off. I was clever but I could have done so much better. I never met deadlines, was never equipped for school.
At one point I had over 74,000 unread emails on my phone! I deleted the email app off of my phone. I can't just delete them I feel I have to read them. I will read a book then forget I have read it.
I will often forget I have something in the oven. I often forget I have said I am going to make something for the kids or a cup of tea for DH.
It is exhausting trying to keep a handle on it all. DH will start a job and finish it. I will think right, I'll spend 45 minutes decluttering, I can't do it.
It is very cathartic getting this all down but also awful.

Aw @campinismyjam that sounds really tough! Have you thought about seeing someone to help you with it? They do alot about teaching mental techniques for managing things like forgetfulness. It could be really helpful for you. I struggle with similar things but less severely I think, but most importantly for me is I dont let it get to me, dont panic or get upset with yourself.

I'm really interested by @HoldMyLobster and @GinghamStyle experience with medication too, sounds really positive and helpful.

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Following because I relate to so much of this. I work for myself and have long since accepted I'm a weirdo so not sure a diagnosis would help that much, but it's lovely to see that my inability to stay tidy and my feeling that everyone else got a memo or guidebook to life that I missed aren't just me

@undercoveraessedai aha I say that all the time! 🤣 how do they all KNOW what to do?

When you go on AIBU and think no, that's totally reasonable, then read everyone else's comments that they are ASTONISHED the OP can't see how unreasonable they are literally me! Hahaha

Ha I do get the guidebook thing I feel like I have had to teach myself everything-my 20s were a nightmare as I was clueless and got into financial trouble because I couldn’t get it together

Just starting to think I have it myself - what a very strange kind of relief - I’m not just rubbish at doing things, I have a different brain!

I suspect the UK is trying to avoid that as the drug (Ritalin) isn't great for its side effects. Sadly it tends to "numb" a lot of people out which means, although it helps with focus it takes away people's natural personality.

That only occurs if the dosage is incorrect. If you get the right balance it’s not an issue. You need a development paediatrician who is extremely well experienced with it and you will not get this as they will adjust it. That’s just scare mongering.

One of mine has been on ADHD meds for over 15 years now. They have the situation where their natural personality comes out when they are on it, although now we see a bit of it when it’s worn off but it’s taken years for them to get to they point. Especially as a child, before going on it or if not on it (originally weekends), they were like a scared rabbit. Never smiled, laughed and are in a constant state of confusion as their thought process just couldn’t come together combined with hyperactivity. Once they could think clearly the real them was able to come through. To the extent the decision was they were best on it 365 days a year otherwise it was exactly like denying a kid with sight issues their glasses. If you can’t see and spend so much time trying to work out where you are going, what you are looking at it’s pretty bloody hard to be yourself, this is no different. All medicines have side effects and all individuals are different, what works for some does not work for others, there are no sweeping generalisations with this stuff.

@Littleninja1 yes! Exactly! The same behaviour is sometimes ok and sometimes very not ok. How? Either it's ok or not?

@siameasy can you imagine if someone did just produce a handbook?! Or like that app that translates language live, it could listen to what people say and tell you what they really mean 😁

I actually found out because of mumsnet! I was reading a thread and somebody mentioned problems I'd been having and said the poster might want to look up inattentive ADHD. I'd never heard of it before but when I read the Wikipedia list of symptoms it was like somebody had read my personal list of why the fuck do I have all of these problems?

It took me two years from that point to seek diagnosis and a further 3 years to start treatment. This is because of the ADHD and the immense procrastination I can achieve with it (yay), not waiting lists BTW!

I also came across it on Mumsnet and although i haven't yet pursued a diagnosis, it describes me to a tee.