To ask about realising you have ADHD as an adult?

[Littleninja1]

I'd find hearing other's experiences really valuable. I have realised gradually that I am just not normal. After being diagnosed with mental health issues since my early teens, nothing has helped long term and nothing I've been diagnosed with really reflects me (I'm mid-30s now) and the older I get the more I realise the gulf between me and other people of my age.

I fit a number of criteria for ADHD women. I'm hesitant to go to the GP about it though and I don't know if there is a point to the diagnosis. However, I would like treatment if it does help. Therefore I'd love to hear from others first to decide if this fits and if I should pursue it.

Could you tell me how you realised you may have ADHD as an adult?

In what ways are you different to others?

Did getting a diagnosis help and how?

How long did it take to get diagnosed and was it a stressful process?

@MidnightRiver

If you can find the nearest adult ADHD NHS service to you, (it may be a long way away). You can ask your GP and CCG for exceptional funding for an assessment. That likely won't apply during the current crisis and they could still say no afterwards but it's worth a try.

For the adult diagnosis - is it essential to have someone who knew you in childhood? I don't think I have anyone 😕 ...unless my sister counts but she is only 3 years older. DS almost certainly has ADHD. Frustratingly we were almost at the last stage of diagnosis when covid hit. Me and him are exactly the same.

I was privately diagnosed (age 49) in January, I didn't have anyone who knew me as a child as I'm nc with my mum and her family and my dad is dead - it wasn't a problem for me, my DH filled out one of the forms and I actually went alone for the assessment appointment which was fine. I'll come back later with more but need to cook tea now

Thank you @iknowimcoming

I wasn’t even asked if anyone could come with me for my ADHD assessment. We talked about my life now and my childhood, did the DIVA etc

I did have both my parents come in for part of the autism assessment though.

DS now aged 25 got an adhd diagnosis a couple of years ago. He clearly had it as a child too but it was never diagnosed. Medication was recommended but he hasn't been able to take anything as he has a job that doesn't allow it, but if you can manage without meds it's okay to work

His diagnosis was via the nhs

@WhatTheFuckSusan

Not necessarily essential but it depends on the service you see and depends on the evidence in adulthood and other factors.

Sometimes, it's very clear quickly when assessing someone from their personal narrative of childhood and adulthood.

Sometimes, not so much. Especially if there are other issues present which could equally explain the reported symptoms in adulthood.

That's where developmental and childhood history become more important.

A sister even if only a little older would usually offer a good account of how you were in childhood.

A DC diagnosed would also support your case as ADHD is largely genetic.

So much of this resonates with me. Anything you had to do on your own - eg a project so longer than standard homework I could not do. I never knew how to revise, I’d spend all day on study leave not knowing what I was supposed to be doing. But I was generally quiet and seemingly bookish and got good grades so it seemed fine. At school I did well and did lots of extra curriculars outside school - but with hindsight it was all organised by my parents and at university I completely fell apart. I did a course with low contact and couldn’t structure my days and became quite depressed. Only came out with a reasonable grade because it was a weak course. But I always “look” like a good student as I’m well-behaved and quiet. I’m known in my family for being dreamy and not quite with it though. But if you have to have something from your childhood for a diagnosis I think I’d be stuck because usually work was handed in on time etc, not late and I seemed conscientious.

I realised I had ADHD during uni and I just about scrapped a pass.

I feel like my ADHD is present in everything I do - the amount of times I've cooked dinner, forgot about it until I realised I was really hungry to find something in the oven for 4 hours - once I dished up my dinner, got distracted and realised when I went to make myself dinner again.

I would pay to go private but I'm worried about the meds - how long did it take PP to find the right kind of med? I've heard that sometimes people try different types or find that they don't actually like what they've been put on. How do meds even change day-to-day life?

I've recently started suspecting I have it, as I just can't get things done, and if I do start them I never seem to finish. Do you also feel down, or would that be a separate depression type thing?
I did find a bullet Journal helped me be a bit more productive when I used it, but like everything else I have stopped using it regularly so once again nothing gets done.

I've been thinking I have it for a very long time, but my psychiatrist almost laughed it off when I brought it up. She insists that I've got GAD and I feel really ignored. I've had loads of anxiety therapy over the years, but I've never got past about session 3 because I lose interest. The psychiatrist gets really impatient with me and says she's at a loss of what to suggest to help, but dismisses ADHD? Bonkers.

I've been on lockdown for 4 weeks and I've done nothing at home. It's a major step if I manage to wash the dishes. So today I decided to cut the grass, I managed to cut through the cable. Then I decided to plant some bulbs, I can't find the trowel. This is my life: I'm crap at everything and I break things, so can't really be trusted to do anything. Everything I try to do turns to shit.

A pp said that she feels there's a manual somewhere about living life that everyone but me has seen, I really resonate with that. I'm 56 and have managed to bring up 4 children, but most of the time I winged it. My youngest ( 13) still lives at home and has ADHD, so we're both struggling.

Sorry to drone on! I'm just at rock bottom at the moment

Oh gosh, a lot of this resonates.

I too also have these symptoms. I’m late all the time. I’m bright and competent but find it hard to focus and organize myself. I also struggle with strong emotions. I would be keen to know of strategies to manage this if anyone has them.

Spoke to DM last night - turned into a long discussion! Ran through the childhood questions from this ADHD assessment: www.advancedassessments.co.uk/resources/ADHD-Screening-Test-Adult.pdf

We agreed that most of the criteria in section A didn't apply to me in childhood. I had more in Section 2: H/I in childhood. I'm taking from this that I don't have it. It's frustrating as I've always had the emotional volatility and sensitivity and as an adult I meet most of the criteria. But whilst I was imaginitive as a child, I was a great student and usually top of the class and a perfectionist.

I don't know what to do now. As an adult I am not functioning. I don't do my job. I can't focus on anything. If anyone has books they recommend for ADHD adults please share. I think I'd benefit from it even if I don't meet the childhood criteria.

I think its risky to try to self diagnose just using the form. I only meet a few criteria from A in childhood, but that's because I had a parent who provided a lot of structure. When I had my assessment the psychologist took a history first and then went through the check list, she did get input from my mother, but was happy that I ticked a lot of boxes in adulthood and diagnosed me immediately. Its probably worth seeing a psychologist because even if you don't have adhd you're struggling and there maybe something else.

I don't have any book recommendations, but additude is an American online resource, the have a website and a Facebook page that I find useful from time to time. There's a particularly good woman on YouTube, but of course I can't remember her name..

@Carpathian2 find a different psychologist? Strong genetic links to adhd, I'm surprised that its dismissed when your son has a diagnosis. Women and girls are very under diagnosed, I'd seek a referral to someone with training in adult adhd specifically.

I suspect I have it.

The bit about needing a guide book really makes sense. I found secondary school so hard and was anxious every day because I was sinking and clueless. Eg it would turn out that we had been set homework and I didn’t know! My room was a tip and I just could not get it together.

I have had to work so hard over the years to appear normal. I have learned how to focus better but my brain seeks pleasure -constantly scrolling for it.

However I am quite at peace with being different. A lot of the anxiety comes from frequently being rejected socially for being “weird”. Now I just accept I am strange.

I struggle with females - they often dislike me. As a young adult I felt I had a male brain.

One positive aspect is I can be hyper focused and extremely disciplined when it’s something I have chosen

@wonderstuff I hear what you are saying about the self-diagnosis. However I have had terrible experiences with the NHS over the last two decades of on and off seeking help for my mental health. Truly awful. I can't go through it again unless I absolutely have to in order to actually get something that will help. I've also found in general that the NHS are far behind current thinking in many conditions, even physical ones, and my own research is usually far more beneficial. Also, even when you do get to see a sympathetic GP they don't have time to go into detail.

I've started making a list of things I've noticed about myself which may be significant. Many of these are internal so others would have no idea and others are behaviours so could be noticed. Sorry it's so long. There is more but I don't want to be too outting.

Childhood:

• saw months and days as colours. Thought everyone did.
• non-stop talker.
• sleep problems began as a toddler (continued and now severe)
• highly excitable. Knowing anything exciting was happening the next day meant I would get no sleep at all. This has continued into adulthood.
• temper tantrums and meltdowns frequently, family started to ignore me or tell me I was ruining everyone's good time.
• clingy, refused to leave DM for school or classes

Teenager:

• began to self-harm
• bullied
• missed lots of school
• top student despite this
• got really into online life, forums, coding and started web design
• unhappy at home and at school
• perfectionist

20s:

• risky sexual behaviour
• eating disorder
• dropped out of uni
• partied a lot
• high absence at work
• got in trouble at work either for saying inappropriate things, lateness, not showing up, not realising I should be in a meeting etc
• did well at interviews and when I had lots of small tasks (eg waiting tables, managing tasks where I knew exactly what to do)
• dropped friends, unpopular with flatmates as I can't cope with noise and sleep disturbance (but happy to cause it myself). Highly passive aggressive.
• developed stress headaches that put me in hospital for pain relief
• on SSRIs for depression which switched to anxiety

30s:

• developing self-awareness and realising I'm not 'growing out' of my problems
• realising why people struggle with me
• moving into management highlighted my lack of structure at work
• developed strategies for everything eg phone reminders, taking a 'just do it' attitude to my indecisiveness
• stopped making any effort to join regular groups or activities and realised I was always going to drop out
• stopped telling anyone about new interests as realised I'd always drop it and be ashamed when I did that I'd been so enthusiastic
• still impulsive especially with relationships
• overwhelmed by need to keep house clean and tidy. Love cleanliness and tidiness but struggle to maintain. However my house is nowhere near being unable to have others over. I do have more stuff than other people though. All clothes are folded and put away etc though.
• constantly creating systems and then re-inventing them eg for project planning or where to keep stuff in my house
• projects at work overwhelm me to the point I have to cut everything else out of my life so there is nothing else to think about. Turn down as many social invites or other obligations as possible whilst maintaining friendships.
• DH starts going to supermarket alone as we recognise the pattern. Start planning meals and have the same thing each week. This helps me a huge amount. Trying to lose the feeling I 'should' be cooking and baking like my friends do.
• continuing or worsening sensitivity to noisy environments, particularly if I don't think it should be noisy
• can't stand the noise of people eating
• develop symptoms of sciatic pain and headaches on and off
• passed driving theory and test after many attempts and heaps of lessons. Overwhelmed by the road signs, by anticipating the road, by everything you have to look for. Never driven since passing.
• became more overwhelmed as now expected to remember social engagements and birthdays etc for me and DH. I don't have problems remember they are happening, it's more that I can't get it out of my head like 'remember 3pm saturday' goes on repeat and drives me mad. I will still always be late for it though.
• DH points out I forget things we've agreed and change the agreement a lot
• improve ability to contain emotional outbursts at work and with friends but still happens a lot at home
• learn how to act around others. Keep much more to myself. Spend as little time with others as possible so I don't do or say something wrong.
• DH feels like a parent a lot. He has very set ways of doing things and is a natural project planner. We clash over this a lot :(

Whilst I know some of these look like ASD traits I don't have any problems making eye contact, reading others non-verbal cues and I don't have any routines or rituals and have no special interests (I would like one!). So that's lead me away from ASD though I do feel I 'get it', if that makes sense? Like I'm maybe just one or two rungs down the ladder from people with ASD.

Update: I've had a GP consultation and she said I do sound likely to have ADHD. I'm going to look into private assessment with a psychiatrist now and order some books (hopefully the last set of self-help books I'll ever need!).

I went on Amazon and read the start of the book 'Women with ADHD'. I feel such relief I've burst into tears. I feel like it's not all my fault and I'm not just a bad person that can't discipline themselves. And actually perhaps I don't need to fix anything, I just need to understand myself and be who I am. Then I saw the title of another ADHD book called 'I always want to be where I'm not' and I cried even more. I have made so many plans in my life to move abroad and start over, or to go for a walk to one location or to the cinema or whatever it is and I no longer do anything because I know whatever I do I'll want to be doing something else. And wherever I go I will still have me to deal with. I always wanted to escape myself but hopefully now I can learn to enjoy being with myself.

/ramble

I'm glad you're starting to piece things together. I was assessed my The Priory, the psychologist didn't tell me much I didn't know, but she diagnosed adhd and prescribed drugs, I saw her about 3 times. She put together a shared care agreement but my gp initially refused it and I've not found energy to argue and have stopped medication.

On no, why did your GP refuse?

Did you find the medication helpful? Did you have to stop because your GP wouldn't prescribe?

It must be so frustrating to get so far and come up against another barrier :(

It was only when my therapist recently suggested I and my dad might have ADHD after talking about us- that it was like a lightbulb moment.

-We both loose everything constantly. It causes immense stress to us and how we inflict this on others around us- eg. loosing entire days of precious holidays while searching for lost wallets/car rental keys/keys in cinemas lost down seats.

Scatty- very messy, I truly appreciate neatness and order but find it SO hard to be organised/neat.

Daydreaming constantly, half my life has been in my head and zoning in/out of reality

Hugely temperamental- I mask this well with colleagues etc but to (sadly for them) those closest to me, I am very up and down. I flare up very easily but can calm down very soon afterwards

Had no idea reckless driving was also a signal- both me and my dad are guilty of this...I could go on... finding this really helpful x

I think funding, he did refer to the trust but I never heard more and life got in the way. I did feel better on meds for a while, but only marginally, they did help me focus, but it's an indiscriminate focus, I'd find myself focused on my phone rather than writing reports.
I think the other things I've done and my mindset since diagnosis have been far more important than medication.
I have been very lucky and been able to give myself a fairly easy life, I work as a teacher part time, my kids are both in school so I'm not mad busy. Dh earns a good salary and I've inherited some money which leaves me able to work part time and have a decent standard of living.
I have done full time management and post graduate studies and if I was to go back to that I'd want to go back on to elvanse.