To ask about realising you have ADHD as an adult?

[Littleninja1]

I'd find hearing other's experiences really valuable. I have realised gradually that I am just not normal. After being diagnosed with mental health issues since my early teens, nothing has helped long term and nothing I've been diagnosed with really reflects me (I'm mid-30s now) and the older I get the more I realise the gulf between me and other people of my age.

I fit a number of criteria for ADHD women. I'm hesitant to go to the GP about it though and I don't know if there is a point to the diagnosis. However, I would like treatment if it does help. Therefore I'd love to hear from others first to decide if this fits and if I should pursue it.

Could you tell me how you realised you may have ADHD as an adult?

In what ways are you different to others?

Did getting a diagnosis help and how?

How long did it take to get diagnosed and was it a stressful process?

@ChockyBicky - that sounds like my parents. If they admitted to themselves that I needed more help than they could give me, then they would be failures. So they didn't admit it. The funny thing is, speaking to my grandma and knowing my Dad the way I do, as well as him being so like my son, we are pretty sure Dad would have the same diagnosis these days. Very intelligent man but completely unable to organise himself unless it was something he wanted to do. So he would go fishing with his friends, but leave Mum to do stuff relating to his business.

Needless to say I do not have a good relationship with my parents and am NC these days. It has improved my mental health significantly but other issues are still there.

@Littleninja1 - I've had a letter today from the adult ADHD service. They're just advising me that due to current covid-19 restrictions, they are putting everyone on a list and will be in contact in due course. I made my initial enquiry at my GP, who did nothing with it. But when chasing it up, the surgery manager was very good and put it as an urgent referral to get me to where I would have been had I been referred when GP told me they would. Of course, CV-19 has got in the way but it's nice to know I've not been completely put on the back burner.

I am finding lockdown quite challenging because having 2 DC diagnosed ADHD and one of those suspected ASD means we are out a lot less than we normally would be.

@Littleninja1 - the trying to control yourself is so wearing isn't it? My usual go to of a cycle or walk to take 'me' time has had to go by the wayside as the children are home. I honestly look forward to the days I am in work at the moment as a break from the monotony and futile attempts at educating at home - I work as an LSA in a school, started just before lockdown. I was honest with them about my quest for answers and they have been really supportive.

OP I have a diagnosis and I also excelled in school but had very involved parents.

If she's managing through Uni she might be okay, especially if living away from home.

She's doing well so far, thank goodness. She actually went to boarding school for her 4 years of high school (we are in the US) and in some ways that kind of helped her develop organisational and life skills that are serving her well now she's at uni. It's her first year and she hasn't crashed and burned - in fact she's had all As so far, but she takes on far too many other commitments...

@NevilleGoddard thanks for these examples. It's helpful having specifics to reflect on. I doubt I have any school reports and like I said my DM doesn't believe ADHD is a thing so it's tricky to ask her those questions.

*You can excell academically if very bright but still have school reports saying you day dream, hand work in late, don't bring the right things to lessons, are late to lessons, easily distracted, forgetful etc.

But school reports saying excelling academically, always listens attentively, concentrates well, very organised, all work handed in on time, always on time for lessons, never interrupts, always wait their turn etc would not point towards ADHD being present in childhood. And if not present in childhood, it can't be in adulthood.*

Here is my recollection (what little there is!):

• chronically late to school and to lessons
• handed in work on time always (massive people pleaser and teacher's pet)
• Mum involved in every area of my schooling including managing the PTA so I find it hard to pull apart how I'd have done on my own. I had tutoring for example and she tutored me too.
• talked constantly
• interrupted a lot
• bullied in high school and moved around friendship groups
• don't remember forgetting books or PE kit but again I don't think it was up to me to remember them
• dropped out of uni in second year when I developed an eating disorder. Was on track for a 2.1 so doing ok academically. I usually wrote essays in all nighters and still work in short, very productive bursts rather than little and often.
• can't remember being easily distracted but I don't know if I would remember that. It's actually taken me until now to realise that I daydream and am constantly distracted. I thought this was normal until recently. I often step into traffic, start things and find myself doing something else and I can't follow any verbal directions. I can't follow recipes. I have to say things out loud over and over to myself. I don't consider myself safe to drive and it took me a long time to pass my test. I don't think I was always this bad, I used to be able to concentrate better so I do think it has got worse. I think it's coincided with my brain feeling more and more full the older I've got. Does that make any sense?

This is fascinating- I recognise some aspects of myself in this. I often sit and think ‘what’s wrong with me’. I’m the worlds worst procrastinator but it’s more than that - I will literally sit at my desk knowing I have to do something and just don’t do it. I am extremely messy - always have been I cannot fathom how people keep organised. I have a very short attention that I have to really concentrate on not appearing rude. Money and finance are a mystery-I am truly terrified that my dh will die before me and I will have to deal with things myself. It’s not that I don’t want to I just have this blockage. I never considered adhd though - I might investigate it now.

@HoldMyLobster Boarding school can often help before Uni if undiagnosed ADHD is also present because you have more 'adult' responsibility e.g sorting out your washing and getting it to the laundry, keeping your room clean, getting up on your own and getting to lessons, arranging to see the matron/dentist if you're ill, organising your day etc but still with prompting/routine and support.

People going to Uni and living away from home who previously had parents/teachers doing a lot often really struggle and the previously manageable symptoms (with lots of outside intervention) become very apparent.

Yep surprise diagnosis at age 40 of ADHD. I was being treated for something else and the psychiatrist said one day, oh by the way you definitely have ADHD.

I constantly start something, then get distracted and leave it for another thing. I can hyper focus and spend twenty hrs straight on one thing forgetting about children, food, using the bathroom.
As a child i day dreamed constantly and had entire imaginary worlds.

Academically, did well. My head is like a sponge. Always soaking up everything around it but fast at learning. So I was usually bored in class and doodled, day dreamed, or snuck in a comic book and looked at that. My parents said I was like a hummingbird...always flitting from one subject to another.

Work was great. I landed a career that was mostly creative problem solving and ADHD is great for seeing connections no one else sees because you jump around so much mentally. It was also fast paced and different every day.

OP I read your list and that sounded more ADD to me than ADHD.

Oh god I feel such a wave of relief reading all your replies. It's like you are all saying little bits and pieces of my life. I've been different for so long and it's like you all know how it feels. And I've felt these were all personal failings for so long. I have a high achieving family and wider family so some of my low self-esteem is comparing myself to them and their expectations.

@conduitoffortune thanks for sharing. That's interesting to know. How did you get on as an adult? Did you get diagnosed with ADHD?

@minisoksmakehardwork ah great news you've heard from them at least. Hopefully it won't be too long. I wonder if they can do it over the phone?

It must be so challenging being inside with you DC. I am really highly strung with my surroundings. I find lots of noise almost physically unbearable. I find mess unbearable (though I see messiness is often reference as common for ADHD). But I also find it hard to organise my things and often end up just throwing things away. Sorry that was a tangent. I hear you on the need to get outside. The peace and calm of nature feels like such a relief. I find living in a city very challenging. I grew up with a huge garden in a quiet village in the countryside so again I think a lot of my issues just weren't apparent until I was older.

Do you have someone that help you structure the school work for your DC? I find if someone gives me the structure I can follow it happily but creating it myself? It will never appear...

I was diagnosed in 2007 by wonderful team at The Mausdley part of Kings college...

Like everyone else I realised something was not quite as it should be by the simple act of completing a questionnaire aimed at my child.

I have been on Atomoxetine and the other one (the name of which I can't remember because I have ADD ... )

I've got an asd diagnosis and via the NHS. I did this without my parents' help. I was asked for someone who knew me as I child and I told them I didn't have anyone. My DH came with me to the assessment instead.
Just to reassure you that it can be done without parental support/help.

I’m currently going through the process of getting an adhd diagnosis. I’ve had one appointment but have to have another possibly 2. A lot of what has been said for symptoms is how is is for me. I’m even finding that I don’t want to go to my next appointment as I’ve lost interest in getting a diagnosis even though it would be helpful.
Those who have been diagnosed what treatments are available?

At my last appointment the doctor said a lot of it also sound like it could be anxiety ie the feeling overwhelmed by day to day life, simple things. Which I have read is a adhd symptom but is making me question myself.

Perfect sense OP and from your recollections of childhood/Uni. There are strong indicators but as I said, could be attributable to other disorders or ADHD could be present alongside them.

Like any neurodevelopmental disorder, it is static as in always present and cannot 'worsen'. Like Autism, it can't deteriorate and there are no 'good Autism/ADHD days/periods or bad Autism/ADHD days/periods' because it doesn't work that way.

BUT it can SEEM 'worse' as people get older and responsibilities and stressors increase. Or they go through periods of increased responsibilities/stressors.

As I was saying about people with undiagnosed ADHD doing okay till 6th form or Uni when responsibilities and stressors increase then falling apart.

Some people will be able to continue
managing past that (a lot do) but for some, increasing responsibilites of work, parenthood etc will find they struggle more than ever before.

Oh just to add, I went to school in Scotland and we don't have sixth form or college. You just continue in school, there is no change so no free time or self-study. The first time I had to organise myself in any way was my gap year. I was fired from one job in retail for talking and not doing anything (I found it so dull) and did brilliantly as a waitress in a busy restaurant in my other job. That job was my favourite one to date as I was always busy, felt useful and knew what to do at all times. I had a good memory for orders and keeping track of tables but I'd find that much harder now.

Oh and in the UK in adults it usually all comes under the ADHD umbrella so not ADD/ADHD.

There's ADHD primarily inattentive type (common) ADHD primarily hyperactivity/impulsivity type (rare) and ADHD combined type i.e inattentive and hyperactivity/impulsivity (common) as often, people with 'ADD' will still have a couple of sub-diagnostic threshold hyperactivity/impulsivity symptoms.

When I was diagnosed it was specifically ADD ... I have absolutely no Hyperactivity issues...

@Oddgirlout I'm glad. It's not like that everywhere though. In my CCGs (several), the adult ADHD team covering them may give a tentative diagnosis 'on the balance of probability' if lots of evidence in adulthood and try pharmacological treatment (which should help if ADHD is present and therefore help establish the diagnosis) without childhood corroboration or developmental history.

My CCGs (several) adult Autism team would not (unless there was overwhelming evidence when they met you) without a developmental history and childhood corroboration.

My CCGs team diagnose a huge amount of adult ADHD referrals they've assessed after referral screening (about 90%). The adult Autism team diagnose less than 40% after assessment even with stringent initial referral screening.

@NevilleGoddard perhaps I look really autistic then.
It's worth a shot, it must happen for plenty of reasons that parents aren't available or an alternative source can't be found.

@Oddgirlout thanks, that's good to know. How did you feel about being diagnosed? Has it helped you?

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel

Not saying you didn't, just saying most adult ADHD NHS services use DSM V criteria which is all ADHD; predominantly inattentive, predominantly hyperactivity-impulsivity and combined.

Some predominantly inattentive type people will have no hyperactivity-impulsivity symptoms at all like yourself but many do (including OP) but not enough to give a 'combined' diagnosis.

Which is why the DSM 5 groups them that way.

It's very important they're grouped that way if e.g an employer following disability discrimination legislation and reasonable adjustments wants to say they will e.g accept some lateness as you have 'ADD' but you finding it difficult to join in with long seated meetings due to restlessness or being loud/interrupting in meetings isn't related to 'ADD' and it's just you being unprofessional or overbearing.

Which has happened a lot unfortunately.

@Oddgirlout Not necessarily. Just saying some areas have different thresholds.

DS1 has diagnoses of ASD, dyspraxia and dyslexia. I suspect that there is something neuro-diverse about me, and I've found out in adulthood that most of my paternal cousins are neuro-diverse, and my father is very likely to be too.

I loved school. I loved the novelty of learning. Except PE and maths. My organisation was poor and homework has always been a struggle. I'd doodle my way through lessons then have my hand up Hermione Granger style. My focus is either on or off. I was great at getting my teeth into revision and creating beautiful notes. I have never understood the 45 minute break concept, why on earth would you want to destroy your concentration for the rest of the day like that? My degree outcome was mediocre as I drifted off through university. With hindsight, I should have been more proactive in seeking guidence, I just never got round to it.

I have auditory processing issues diagnosed. I've found it easy to understand DS's sensory needs as they've emerged.

I need external motivation. Even something like going for a run entirely for my own pleasure is something I procrastinate the hell out of. I need the fear of deadlines to function.

Teaching was great for me, a good balance of creativity, structure and the terror of specific deadlines and the variety of human interractions. The PGCE was hell as I tried and struggled to adjust to the organisation load. In the end it was the chores of data related paperwork and double marking that finished me off. I loved the novelty of supply teaching long term.

I'm not average and orthodox. I don't fit the crowd. Most of my friends are neurodiverse in some way. I always felt different. I was never afraid to do my own thing even in the conformist teenage years. I tended towards the "alternative" crowds, but didn't necessarily fit the trends that those crowds followed either, they were just more accomodating than the trendy crowds.

I need to burn off a certain amount of energy or in a few days, I cease to sleep and my mental and physical energy get out of sync.

I can definitely recognise traits from descriptions of neurodiverse conditions, but I'm not sure on which, although my general flailing when a bat and a ball are involved are highly reminiscent of dyspraxia.

thanks for sharing. That's interesting to know. How did you get on as an adult? Did you get diagnosed with ADHD?

I got diagnosed as an adult, I paid privately. I declined medication because I couldn't really see the point given that I've obviously had ADHD all my life without it. I have a good job and I think you come up with your own strategies to live by before a late diagnosis. My family still say 'oh you haven't got it, there's nothing wrong with you' 🙄 which is really helpful.

Occasionally I snap into "reality" and its really refreshing, like waking up, but it doesn't last long and I'll slip back into muddling along.

This sounds really familiar. This whole thread is really interesting. I have often wondered about this. I did well at school when things were quite structured but when it came to private study at post-grad level I just would get so distracted I would be unable to finish anything (I did eventually but it was painful!) I think my dad is the same. Anyway, this lockdown and trying to direct homeschooling is really bringing everything to a head. My children are weeks behind with their work. I can't keep track of who is meant to be doing what. Everyone else seems to manage it but I just can't.

I was looking into private diagnosis before covid 19 situation so have put on hold. Unfortunately my GP response was there's no ADHD service for adults to refer. Although this shouldn't mean you can't have ccg funding access the service required elsewhere, its not happening it seems. I joined a local adhd support group & are few others in same boat locally are struggling to get help with diagnosis or access to medications they need based solely on address as those in nearby city have an adult ADHD clinic. I've enough saved for diagnosis process but not long-term medication so would need shared care with NHS in that situation.

It was suggested by medical professional I maybe autistic which I'd never considered & by chance I read article about ADHD which resonated much more, I think I'm more inattentive type. I've been treated for 20yrs of adult life with anxiety/depression, I'm intelligent but never managed to thrive & succeed at things. I can converse & think I read people ok but im poor at relationships past acquaintance stage in general. Being terrible at time keeping & remembering things doesn't help.

I did wonder if it was worth a diagnosis at my time in life as maybe I'm wrong, but having spoken to others in group diagnosed later on 30-50's that felt it beneficial & helped made sense of themselves, reducing shame/negativity that can't do things others manage easily & finding alternatives that suit their brains instead.

Trying to find out about my childhood is tricky as I've a difficult relationship with my mum she's quite explosive & her version of events I'm not always sure is accurate. My dad was busy working or distant when home so probably wouldn't know. Both have moved so doubt any school reports exist.