AIBU to be fuming at DH!?

[PinotByTheBucketPlease]

We co-sleep with our 7 month old breastfed baby. Breastfeeding was never in my plan, nor was co-sleeping, but the two kind of just happened and seemed to fit together so well so I just ran with it.

I enjoy sleeping next to our baby, I love cuddling him, it’s made our bond so strong, feeding him to sleep while I doze next to him makes my life a hell of a lot easier, as some nights he can still feed up to five times (or more!), so I’ll be damned if I’m sitting up, hunched over to feed that many times through the night, then struggling to get him settled in a cot for god knows how long after.

A couple months ago, DH declared how unhappy he was about sleeping in the bed with the baby. He said he wasn’t get decent sleep, despite the fact he’d snore from the moment his head hit in the pillow, right up until he’d get up for work the following morning - often keeping me awake for hours at a time in the process!

Regardless, I expressed my sympathy and assured him that we wouldn’t be co-sleeping forever, I refuse to be one of those mums who still have their two year olds in bed with them (nothing against parents that do that, I just know I’ll wind up needing and wanting my bed space at some point!!!). I told him that once the baby drops down to two guaranteed feeds a night (rather than the erratic ones at present) I’ll actively start trying to settle him in to his cot, but for the time being, co-sleeping was saving my sanity and allowing me to have sufficient energy the following day to deal with our 3 year old, and two year old as well as the baby. In the mean time, I’ve been doing my utmost best to keep the baby on the outer side of the bed, away from DH for as much of the night as humanly possible!

Anyway, since lockdown, DH has really ramped up the ‘the baby shouldn’t be sleeping in here with us anymore, you need to do something about it now’ chats. I’m not ready to stop co-sleeping and make my life infinitely harder right now, but because he’s been nagging me, I finally caved this evening.

I took the baby through to our room and spent over two hours trying to settle him in to the cot (a next to me cot), only for him to wake up screaming like someone was murdering him 20 minutes later. I brought the baby back to the lounge with me, and started feeding him in there and said to DH ‘once I’ve finished feeding our baby, seeing as you’re the one who wants him to sleep away from us, you can take him and settle him, because I’ve just lost the best part of my entire evening and haven’t even had half an hour to myself since all three kids went to bed.’

DH turns around and goes ‘No. Its not my problem. You deal with it. You’re the one that started the co-sleeping, you need to fix it, not me!!’. I responded with something along the lines of ‘but co-sleeping and breastfeeding go hand-in-hand, it’s perfectly natural and normal, I’m not even ready to stop co-sleeping, the only reason I'm doing this now is because of you, but if I’m not going to have your support and your help, then fuck it, I won’t even bother’.

With that, I grabbed the spare duvet and a tonne of blankets and set up a makeshift bed in our lounge for myself and the baby, half expecting DH to say either ‘oh don’t do that, I’ll help out and make this easier on you’ or even ‘I’ll sleep in the lounge, you and the baby take the bedroom’, but nope, up he fucking got and went to bed in a huff, not saying goodnight, just fucked off and left me to it with our baby.

AIBU to think this isn’t just MY ‘problem’ to solve? We should be coming together as parents to ‘correct’ this, shouldn’t we? He’s the one that always told me to try breastfeeding our children because ‘it’s better for them’, and on our third and final child, I finally nailed it but now it’s like he’s fucking penalising and berating the efforts I’d put in place to both establish breastfeeding and also make sure I had enough rest to cope with our other young DC’s.

Ugh. Perspectives please!!!!

If he can't sleep with the baby then he can sleep somewhere else.

Wateroffduck
No, I did not make it her issue either. What nonsense.
If you’re going to quote me, at least talk about what I said instead of trotting out a dystopian fantasy that has zero connection to my posts.

You kind of did though 😂

Have you any idea how much you're putting your child at risk? Especially with the folded up duvet! SO many babies have died from co sleeping.

Also, why are you feeding a 7 month old in the middle of the night?

glad do see your update, OP.

I coslept with my 2nd because the little pest just hated to sleep. 21 now and still hates to sleep and first slept a whole night through after starting school (which is age 7-ish here…) only started regularly sleeping through after about 8 years of age.

As for the BF and the bottle - i didn't use bottles with either of mine. They went from BF to sippy cup or normal cup and that was it. I did a sort of BLW (I had no idea that was what we were doing) after they had had 6 months of EBF and that is what worked for us.

But if i hadn't done the co-sleeping i would have ended up in an institution. (luckily DH was completely on board with it all, sorry)

I have a solution for you OP!

My 18 month old still co-sleeps.
We however have her cotbed set up as a next to me bed would be, one side has the cot bars on and the other side has the toddler bar on. The mattress is the same height as our bed which is perfect and I use the straps from the next to me cot to strap the cotbed to the side of our bed so it's basically a large extension of our bed.
Because it's bigger, I could lay in it and breastfeed and move away when she fell asleep. This way she has learnt to sleep 'alone' but still technically co sleeps. Best of both worlds. Just make sure it's really secure and there's no gap the same as with the next to me. 😊

It's more common for a 7 month old to feed during the night than for them not to, surely!

And yes of course your other half should be helping with any sleep related issues. He's the father. It's no more complicated than that.

@HavenDilemma why am I feeding a 7 month old in the night? Hahaha what!? Do you even have kids? It's perfectly normal for a 7 month old to still night feed!!

Ds still feeds multiple times in the night at 8 months..midwife said it was normal. Dd never woke up in the night for milk, I just thought all babies were different.

@Chinks123 my other two DC's were formula fed, but even they still had feeds in the night at 7 months old! I've no idea why people seem to think that babies that young don't need night feeds!

@PinotByTheBucketPlease Yes I do have kids! Never had to feed in the middle of the night after the first month or two and even then, they were dream feeds. Mine slept through the night from birth.

Correction - except for the colic phase of course. Almost forgot about those 3 weeks of sheer terror

@Chinks123 Try a small amount of porridge before bed. A nice tummy full of oats should help a great deal

*Baby porridge....obviously

Oh no, get him out of your bed and sleep in peace with baby.

You'll sleep so much better without him there and you'll have the energy to settle baby in cot when you want to.

I cant believe he left you on the sofa.

If this is your third child he must be mad not to just be grateful he doesn't have to do the night shifts and have some appreciation for you - first baby I'd let him off a bit...

Omg please do not listen to people telling you that a 7 month old shouldn’t be feeding this much! My BF baby fed multiple times through the night until she was around 18months!!!! It’s absolutely fine as long as your coping. My LO was an awful, horrendous sleeper and like you cosleeping and feeding was the only way I got any sleep! The only problem you have is with how unsupportive your DH is... I think you have two options, either you get a sofa bed for him to sleep in or you tell him that you need help to end the cycle as you aren’t bothered by it.

Why baby porridge? Babies can eat normal food, not sure if you're on a wind up or just operating off really outdated advice.

Babies not feeding in the night at a couple of months old is absolutely not the norm. They have tiny stomachs and are supposed to feed regularly.

@HavenDilemma I need to start my own thread for help but, ds will not eat My mum said they when he went on to solids he would eat better. So at 6 months we started weaning, and he just point blank refuses to eat, even now at 8 months. We’ve tried everything blw, purées, porridge etc etc he purses his mouth closed and If you do manage to get some in he cries and spits it out.
I really do think If he was fuller he wouldn’t still be waking at night but I’ve no idea what to do?

I didn't breast feed but i co-slept with my eldest for years, yes, years cause he just wouldn't sleep in his own bed, whenever he has put in his own room he'd scream and scream and scream all night and his dad would sleep through it all leaving me to get woken up every 1-2 hours. His father never made an issue out of the co sleeping because he isn't a selfish twat. DS1 grew out of it on his own terms when he was 5. He's now almost 9 and wouldn't dream of climbing into my bed, cause that would be, you know, so uncool 🤣 tell your OH that if he has issues then too sleep on the sofa or spare room. He isn't the one who has to breastfeed! Bloody cheek!!!

Is it ok that ds wakes in the night for milk then? Confused by the advice on this thread that he shouldn’t be hungry

*when he went on to solids he would sleep better

@Chinks123 absolutely fine that he wakes in the night for milk, as is him not being fussed on solids yet. 6 months is the recommended time to start weaning, not the latest time to do it. My son was nearer 9mo before he started solids properly, as anything larger that a split atom would make him vomit. If he's thriving and maintaining his growth centiles, he's doing fine as he is. Keep trying with the weaning (BLW or traditional/puree style, it seriously makes no difference at all), and he'll get there!

Thank you so much @Shmithecat2 I was a bit worried reading he shouldn’t be waking in the night. This feels all new to me, dd slept through from being tiny and from 6 months ate everything that we put in front of her, so I thought maybe we’d gone wrong somewhere this time.

I feel better hearing your ds wasn’t fussed about solids either. He literally just will not eat, everything goes in the mouth- my phone, toys, his hands etc. But with food it’s a flat no and when I try and push it he gets really worked up and I feel like I’m pressuring us both. I’ll keep going but not push it

That's all you can do @Chinks123, keep smiling, keep offering. I found weaning very stressful, but ebfd, so ds was still getting everything he needed. Have you offered your son a pouch of food? Something like Ella's Kitchen (fruit or sweet veg)? Give him the whole pouch, he could try to suck food from it?

Yes @Shmithecat2 Im trying to make it more fun but I feel stressed that he’s not eating because I imagine he must need to, but your advice about 6 months being a start time makes sense. I need to not compare him to dd and let him do it. We’re wasting so much food, he has learnt to pick it up..stare at it..and throw it from his high chair fresh melon I lovingly chopped up this morning just literally thrown in my face.
Good idea about pouches I will give that a try thank you!