AIBU to be fuming at DH!?

[PinotByTheBucketPlease]

We co-sleep with our 7 month old breastfed baby. Breastfeeding was never in my plan, nor was co-sleeping, but the two kind of just happened and seemed to fit together so well so I just ran with it.

I enjoy sleeping next to our baby, I love cuddling him, it’s made our bond so strong, feeding him to sleep while I doze next to him makes my life a hell of a lot easier, as some nights he can still feed up to five times (or more!), so I’ll be damned if I’m sitting up, hunched over to feed that many times through the night, then struggling to get him settled in a cot for god knows how long after.

A couple months ago, DH declared how unhappy he was about sleeping in the bed with the baby. He said he wasn’t get decent sleep, despite the fact he’d snore from the moment his head hit in the pillow, right up until he’d get up for work the following morning - often keeping me awake for hours at a time in the process!

Regardless, I expressed my sympathy and assured him that we wouldn’t be co-sleeping forever, I refuse to be one of those mums who still have their two year olds in bed with them (nothing against parents that do that, I just know I’ll wind up needing and wanting my bed space at some point!!!). I told him that once the baby drops down to two guaranteed feeds a night (rather than the erratic ones at present) I’ll actively start trying to settle him in to his cot, but for the time being, co-sleeping was saving my sanity and allowing me to have sufficient energy the following day to deal with our 3 year old, and two year old as well as the baby. In the mean time, I’ve been doing my utmost best to keep the baby on the outer side of the bed, away from DH for as much of the night as humanly possible!

Anyway, since lockdown, DH has really ramped up the ‘the baby shouldn’t be sleeping in here with us anymore, you need to do something about it now’ chats. I’m not ready to stop co-sleeping and make my life infinitely harder right now, but because he’s been nagging me, I finally caved this evening.

I took the baby through to our room and spent over two hours trying to settle him in to the cot (a next to me cot), only for him to wake up screaming like someone was murdering him 20 minutes later. I brought the baby back to the lounge with me, and started feeding him in there and said to DH ‘once I’ve finished feeding our baby, seeing as you’re the one who wants him to sleep away from us, you can take him and settle him, because I’ve just lost the best part of my entire evening and haven’t even had half an hour to myself since all three kids went to bed.’

DH turns around and goes ‘No. Its not my problem. You deal with it. You’re the one that started the co-sleeping, you need to fix it, not me!!’. I responded with something along the lines of ‘but co-sleeping and breastfeeding go hand-in-hand, it’s perfectly natural and normal, I’m not even ready to stop co-sleeping, the only reason I'm doing this now is because of you, but if I’m not going to have your support and your help, then fuck it, I won’t even bother’.

With that, I grabbed the spare duvet and a tonne of blankets and set up a makeshift bed in our lounge for myself and the baby, half expecting DH to say either ‘oh don’t do that, I’ll help out and make this easier on you’ or even ‘I’ll sleep in the lounge, you and the baby take the bedroom’, but nope, up he fucking got and went to bed in a huff, not saying goodnight, just fucked off and left me to it with our baby.

AIBU to think this isn’t just MY ‘problem’ to solve? We should be coming together as parents to ‘correct’ this, shouldn’t we? He’s the one that always told me to try breastfeeding our children because ‘it’s better for them’, and on our third and final child, I finally nailed it but now it’s like he’s fucking penalising and berating the efforts I’d put in place to both establish breastfeeding and also make sure I had enough rest to cope with our other young DC’s.

Ugh. Perspectives please!!!!

@PinotByTheBucketPlease ignore those saying your baby doesn't need more than one night feed. My mum says the same to me. It's bullshit.

Totally normal for breastfed, bed sharing babies to want to feed often in the night.

@PinotByTheBucketPlease

Regarding your DH, he is just being selfish - putting himself before you and babies needs, and really fucking lazy for not even agreeing to help you achieve the thing he wants.

Is he often such a prick?

“he won't help me correct it, even though it'll only be something that benefits him and will be to my detriment.“

You’re forgetting that it will benefit the baby the most. There’s a third person here who is being exposed to unnecessary risks. It’s not a power struggle with him benefiting versus you benefitting. This should be about what is best and safest for the baby, regardless of who has to sacrifice.

Yes frustrating that he didn’t say anything from the start and then exploded, but your posts do show that he raised concerns repeatedly over the months and you responded by saying it’s your decision and you’re not ready to stop and so on.

The row was the result of this disagreement simmering over months and reaching a boiling point. Yes he behaved badly, not defending that.

To move forward, you and he will need to have a conversation about sleeping arrangements that results in a real consensus between you both.

Well, isn't your DH a delight? You are the recipient of my first ever LTB. The baby is disturbing sleep? I'll bet not as much as it is disturbing yours. What an idiot.

Express a few bottles, give them to ‘d’h and inform him you expect him to deal with your joint child whilst you enjoy a nights sleep alone!

OP I think some of us shared our co-sleeping experiences to affirm that it is a common thing to do, and that some babies just don’t sleep.

I think it’s clear that right now that it’s not a healthy dynamic for your husband to be sharing the bed with your baby. I know it’s exhausting and disappointing but if you work together to figure out a new arrangement it would be better in the long run. I hope you have the space for the husband to sleep somewhere different.

You do what's right for your child and your family. Unfortunately your husband is one of those who believes he is in charge because he's trying to dictate what you do with your body and your getting bent out of shape trying to force something that only suits him not anyone else in the equation. That's what happens when you put his needs over everyone else's.

Co-sleeping and bf having undoubted benefits theres good evidence to support this. Your baby will cry if it's hungry wants comforting or just to know you are there. The lullaby trust has good information on how to co sleep safely

Don't let him dictate how you respond to your child it's a slippery slope from here on in.

His willingness to let you and your child suffer while he has the comfort is very telling of how he regards you. Put the bf to one side and try to address his attitude I'm afraid you're on your own with this until he sorts that out.

Don't let him bully you out of feeding your child

You know this should be a joint effort, you dont need me to tell you. My little one had a month where she slept with me as wouldn't settle, luckily she's in the next to me now. I used to have her the side away from my partner as he was a deep sleeper, so she was between me and the next to me cot, this might allow you both a good nights sleep and maybe try and drop baby back in when you get chance. That's how I got mine in there, did take a while and I always sleep facing her or there is screaming when she does wake up! Good luck!

While I'm not ready to give up cosleeping just yet, if he was to join together with me to tackle this and sort out a different arrangement, I'd be a lot more willing.

But I'm honestly furious that he's leaving it entirely up to me. He'll be more than happy for me to spend X amount of hours every evening trying to settle the baby in to the cot, with likely little to no luck, while he plays his PlayStation or takes long baths, then he'll sleep soundly next to me all night whilst I'm sat up feeding then trying again to settle the baby in to the cot. It just doesn't seem fair at all.

@PinotByTheBucketPlease have you thought about telling him that it's fine and he can therefore do the night feeds.. you could express and DH could then feed the LO over night. See how he copes doing it. Therefore you get a goodnight sleep. If he doesnt like it then ask him for other suggestions but be firm. Tell him you and the baby will be sleeping in the bed until he can come up with other suggestions.

FWIW I breast feed my LO. He is 5 months old but I have never co-slept and he feeds a couple of times a night..he has always been put in his next to me/moses basket. Ive always fed him that way so you just get used to it.

If your LO isn't used to it, it may take them a while to get used to going in the next to me. However if your husband isn't being supportive with this then I wouldn't bother.

while he plays his PlayStation or takes long baths, then he'll sleep soundly next to me all night whilst I'm sat up feeding
What he's saying is that he doesn't want his comforts inconvenienced.
His life shouldn't change in any way.

You're the default parent, that's the precedent that's been set.
He doesn't think he needs to share in the struggles/discomforts.
i'm gobsmacked you decided to have 3 dc so close together!

Tell him he can sleep on the sofa.....and do childcare whilst you catch up on lost sleep/have a bath.

Do whichever is safest for your baby and that's obviously going to be sleeping in your own bed.Your husband is being an idiot and your priority needs to be your baby.

Your dh is being unreasonable. I would tell him.

"I don't have a problem with baby in bed, you do so it is your problem. I am willing to compromise and work together to change sleeping arrangements for YOUR benefit but I wont be doing it alone. As baby is used to sleeping beside me they may respond better to a new routine where daddy does bedtime.
I cannot believe you allowed your baby to sleep on the floor - that will not happen again. Baby in bed is my preference. If you want to work together on your preference I am willing to behave like an adult and work as a team"

But I'm honestly furious that he's leaving it entirely up to me. He'll be more than happy for me to spend X amount of hours every evening trying to settle the baby in to the cot, with likely little to no luck, while he plays his PlayStation or takes long baths, then he'll sleep soundly next to me all night whilst I'm sat up feeding then trying again to settle the baby in to the cot. It just doesn't seem fair at all.

Welcome to default parenthood. It took 3 children in your case. He's not your manager so he doesn't get to direct your work.

If 'd' H doesn't want to co sleep then 'd' H can sleep somewhere else, simple

your posts do show that he raised concerns repeatedly over the months and you responded by saying it’s your decision and you’re not ready to stop and so on. Why should she get no free time at all and spend hours settling the baby and have to get up multiple times to feed and settle the baby in the night whilst the husband does fuck all? Children are the responsibility of both parents not just the female.

Both parents need rest, he works but she looks after 3 under 3. I've 3 under 5 and have worked since my youngest was 12 weeks. I cosleep and breastfeed because e all get plenty of sleep that way. My partner is happy with it because he doesn't want to be up all night either.

OP if you're the only person who can be arsed to parent the children then you do it your way. When he's prepared to stop being a terrible parent and take on half the load he can have a say.

I just told DH that baby and myself will be back in the bed tonight after I noticed that the blankets we used last night, have gotten wet thanks our 2 year olds current obsession with being nappy free and constantly having accidents! I was likely going to go back in to the bedroom this evening anyway, but the wet bedding kind of left me with no other option anyway.

DH then said to me that he didn't make me sleep in the lounge last night. I told him that my options were either 1) sleep in the bed with the baby and piss him off further, or 2) spend forever settling the baby in to the cot with no help, so I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I wound up getting an apology, it wasn't particularly heartfelt, but it was sincere enough. He said he was out of line last night and that he just snapped, and that going forward, he will help out.

What level of help I'll actually get and how proactive he'll be is anyone's guess, all I can do is hope that we can come together to get the baby to sleep each night without the both of us being more tired than we are now, and without the baby getting too stressed out/fussy!

I think you just need to get in bed and if he says anything just shrug and tell him you’ve tried, just like he wanted you to.

HE is the one who has a problem with it, so HE can find a solution. Why should you find a solution to a situation you’re completely happy with?! You’re being very accommodating to his tantrums.

Good luck. I co-slept and breast fed till 14 months and then DS was in his cot on his own, cold turkey.

‘Why should she get no free time at all and spend hours settling the baby and have to get up multiple times to feed and settle the baby in the night whilst the husband does fuck all? Children are the responsibility of both parents not just the female.‘

I never said that or implied it and quite frankly that is not an inevitable scenario if parents are not bed sharing with their infant.

I feel for you but also for your DH. Having 3 small children whilst in this situation must be very difficult. However, & I'll chose my words carefully, I think co-sleeping needs to be a joint decision & breast feeding & co-sleeping are not co-dependent. I breast fed but didn't co-sleep. Be nice to each other.

Dp sleeps on the sofa at the moment and has done for a few months now. I don’t co sleep with ds, but he is not a great sleeper recently and wakes up hourly. Dp needs to sleep as he works with machinery and it was dangerous when he was tired. I’ve done every night feed since ds has been born, so I decide what his routine is and where he sleeps etc. You should be able to do the same: you’re the one feeding, you’re the one who will be exhausted. It’s better for us for dp to sleep on the sofa, and it sounds like it would be much better for you if yours did too! 3 under 3, we’ll done and keep going!

How can people say breastfeeding and cosleeping don’t go hand in hand? Statistically, breastfeeding makes cosleeping safer than formula feeding! They absolutely DO go hand in hand. Baby is less full in its tummy and has the smell of mother’s milk next to it etc etc. Plus sleeping next to your young is something humans have always done. Same with breastfeeding (bar the last few hundred years).

Both are fucking brilliant. Cosleeping, when practised effectively, is wonderful. DS is nearly two and we do both. We put cot sides on our bed, removed all pillow and duvets when he was young and never drank (not overweight, don’t smoke etc). When my next baby comes along it won’t even occur to me to do anything differently. Perhaps DS can go on my husband’s side when he wakes in the night, and newborn on mine.

This is coming from someone who categorically never thought they would have the baby in the bed.

Anyway OP - my DH had a few moans early on with the cosleeping. I made it clear he could sleep elsewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️ Very easy to complain when they arent doing the night wakings, but more than that why should they take away the precious months of cuddling and bonding etc. Fuck that.

And LOL at people saying 7 month old should sleep through the night and other shit. Hope you get a good night sleep tonight.

I tried not to cosleep with my first two. It was bloody hard work, up and down all night trying to get a crying
baby to settle back in the cot. Fortunately I was able to catch up on some sleep during the day while they napped. And then sometimes I'd fall asleep while they fed so we'd cosleep by accident and I'd have a great night's sleep . So by the third dc (also three under three) I'd realised that co-sleeping was much the best option for baby's happiness and my well-being. Dc3 and subsequent dcs all permanently coslept until between 9 months and 18 months when they slept through and transitioned into their own cots.

I never said that or implied it and quite frankly that is not an inevitable scenario if parents are not bed sharing with their infant. You made it her issue and her problem.