AIBU to be fuming at DH!?

[PinotByTheBucketPlease]

We co-sleep with our 7 month old breastfed baby. Breastfeeding was never in my plan, nor was co-sleeping, but the two kind of just happened and seemed to fit together so well so I just ran with it.

I enjoy sleeping next to our baby, I love cuddling him, it’s made our bond so strong, feeding him to sleep while I doze next to him makes my life a hell of a lot easier, as some nights he can still feed up to five times (or more!), so I’ll be damned if I’m sitting up, hunched over to feed that many times through the night, then struggling to get him settled in a cot for god knows how long after.

A couple months ago, DH declared how unhappy he was about sleeping in the bed with the baby. He said he wasn’t get decent sleep, despite the fact he’d snore from the moment his head hit in the pillow, right up until he’d get up for work the following morning - often keeping me awake for hours at a time in the process!

Regardless, I expressed my sympathy and assured him that we wouldn’t be co-sleeping forever, I refuse to be one of those mums who still have their two year olds in bed with them (nothing against parents that do that, I just know I’ll wind up needing and wanting my bed space at some point!!!). I told him that once the baby drops down to two guaranteed feeds a night (rather than the erratic ones at present) I’ll actively start trying to settle him in to his cot, but for the time being, co-sleeping was saving my sanity and allowing me to have sufficient energy the following day to deal with our 3 year old, and two year old as well as the baby. In the mean time, I’ve been doing my utmost best to keep the baby on the outer side of the bed, away from DH for as much of the night as humanly possible!

Anyway, since lockdown, DH has really ramped up the ‘the baby shouldn’t be sleeping in here with us anymore, you need to do something about it now’ chats. I’m not ready to stop co-sleeping and make my life infinitely harder right now, but because he’s been nagging me, I finally caved this evening.

I took the baby through to our room and spent over two hours trying to settle him in to the cot (a next to me cot), only for him to wake up screaming like someone was murdering him 20 minutes later. I brought the baby back to the lounge with me, and started feeding him in there and said to DH ‘once I’ve finished feeding our baby, seeing as you’re the one who wants him to sleep away from us, you can take him and settle him, because I’ve just lost the best part of my entire evening and haven’t even had half an hour to myself since all three kids went to bed.’

DH turns around and goes ‘No. Its not my problem. You deal with it. You’re the one that started the co-sleeping, you need to fix it, not me!!’. I responded with something along the lines of ‘but co-sleeping and breastfeeding go hand-in-hand, it’s perfectly natural and normal, I’m not even ready to stop co-sleeping, the only reason I'm doing this now is because of you, but if I’m not going to have your support and your help, then fuck it, I won’t even bother’.

With that, I grabbed the spare duvet and a tonne of blankets and set up a makeshift bed in our lounge for myself and the baby, half expecting DH to say either ‘oh don’t do that, I’ll help out and make this easier on you’ or even ‘I’ll sleep in the lounge, you and the baby take the bedroom’, but nope, up he fucking got and went to bed in a huff, not saying goodnight, just fucked off and left me to it with our baby.

AIBU to think this isn’t just MY ‘problem’ to solve? We should be coming together as parents to ‘correct’ this, shouldn’t we? He’s the one that always told me to try breastfeeding our children because ‘it’s better for them’, and on our third and final child, I finally nailed it but now it’s like he’s fucking penalising and berating the efforts I’d put in place to both establish breastfeeding and also make sure I had enough rest to cope with our other young DC’s.

Ugh. Perspectives please!!!!

Your husband is a prat OP and co-sleeping is a brilliant solution to night-feeding, I am totally for it.

MN seems to be in love with co-sleeping at the moment So I think you may get quite a skewed response here. But honestly breastfeeding and co sleeping are not intrinsically linked in the way you seem to think. Many, many women bf and then put their baby into a cot or sidecar. I’m currently doing this with my dc3 who is 10 weeks. All 3 have bf for over a year and all 3 were night weaned by 7/8 months. Your dh should help but I don’t think the way you’re both approaching this ‘it’s your problem because you’re wrong’ is helping here. Your baby will not automatically self wean at night with your breast by it’s head. You need to work out a strategy and approach it together, as a team. He’s allowed to want the baby in a cot. You’re allowed to ask for help achieving that.

Sorry but too many couples run into trouble like this basically you have now become you and baby v DH .
people on here take much delight in calling your DH a twat and find that more important than SIDS.
Talk to him listen both off you need to find a compromise .

Wow, this took a turn in the night, didn't it?

Had I come here looking for advice regarding safe co sleeping, I'd now be sitting here thanking those of you who chose to add links and tell me what I should, or shouldn't be doing. But seeing as I didn't, I'm just going to gloss over it as that isn't why I'm here.

To those who managed to pop your breastfed babies easily in to a cot after feeds, I salute you. I l tried solidly for the first month to do that, it wasn't working whatsoever. I was beyond exhausted and had absolutely no energy the following day to keep up with my other 3 year old and 2 year old. Co-sleeping came about through need and want. It makes my life so much easier, I'm happy, baby is happy, my other DC's are happy because I'm not a tired, grumpy mess and actually have the energy to play and keep up with them. The only person who was an issue with it is DH.

Someone also mentioned that apparently 7 month olds shouldn't be feeding as often as mine is, well, I'm not really sure what to say that? Should I just tell my hungry baby that he shouldn't be hungry, stop feeding him and leave him to scream?

I get that DH is allowed his opinion, just as I am mine, but I'm so pissed off that he's viewing this whole situation as something that's purely on me to rectify, and that he'll seemingly be playing no part in getting what he wants. If he doesn't want the baby in the bed anymore, that's fine, help me work towards a solution together, not just wipe his hands of it and leave it entirely up to me.

I've just thought of something else since I woke up this morning that DH has been bringing up the past couple weeks - bottles. From time to time, when he's holding the baby, and with me clearly in earshot, he'll say to the baby - 'oooh I think it's nearly time to get you on bottles, isn't it!!'.

I've told him time and time again, that if I pump for feeds in the morning, then subsequently use those bottles in place of regular feeds that my supply will dip and I could struggle to continue breastfeeding altogether as a result.
I think he didn't expect me to have stuck breastfeeding out for so long, (despite the fact that with DC1 in particular, breastfeeding wasn't working and I almost had a breakdown over it, he still wanted me to continue and keep trying), but it's also not helped by the fact that the last few times we've seen his mum and his sister, they ask when I'm going to stop breastfeeding (in a judgy way, not a general conversation) and start the baby on bottles because 'he is over six months now and I can't do this forever'

rwalker the dh is a twat. OP has asked for help stopping cosleeping and he is refusing to support and stating it's her issue. He would not be so for being worried about cosleeping but it sounds like excuses since hes has been fine up until now enjoying the good sleep

Sounds like he's trying to get you to stop OP, be firm and tell him and his family no. I had similar comments along with 'oh now they have teeth are are too old' at 4 months! I started shutting everyone down on their issue.

Talk to your dh, ask him why he is not being supportive and why he is pushing bottles when you aim to continue bf.

Lol op, it took a turn against you so you threw in a drip feed to make people turn against your husband? Oh he wants me to stop breastfeeding.

@PinotByTheBucketPlease If you read the Lullaby trust guidelines you can move your baby from between you and that takes away your husband’s concern about rolling onto the baby

That addresses his main concern in one swoop...

That will then show if your suspicions in your recent post, about him wanting you to stop BF’ing, are actually what he is after

Sorry OP. He sounds like my ex-husband. Enough said.
If I were in your shoes I’d co- sleep in the king size with the baby, and leave it up to him as to what he’s going to do about it (point him in the direction of the sofa).

INCONTINCECESUCKS
The problem is one person does what they want without disscussing then complains about it and wants the person who they never consulted about it to sort it .

Bluntness I'm pretty sure even those ranting in about safe co-sleeping, would still hold their hands up and admit they too would want their DH's help to come together with regards to their DC's, as opposed to having to deal with whatever problem purely on their own. Having DC's requires teamwork, not just one parent ordering the other to do something that will only benefit them.

It's not a drip feed, it's literally just something I thought about this morning and made me realise that the two are possibly connected. Whats more, I don't even care if you do deem it to be a drip feed. Are you not allowed to add additional comments and info, or should absolutely every single tiny detail be crammed in to the OP?

I also said a few posts back that baby spends about 90% of the night on the opposite side of the bed to DH. I've been doing that for months now, but he still isn't happy.

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/news-and-research/baby-friendly-research/infant-health-research/infant-health-research-bed-sharing-infant-sleep-and-sids/

What's dangerous is not safe, planned bed sharing, when aware of all the risks and facts, but rather unplanned bed-sharing due to exhaustion or, worse, parents scared by alarmist posts like LoveisLovely's into thinking they must never, ever, ever bedshare and falling asleep in exhaustion on armchairs or sofas.

And as for the 'babies should be sleeping through by x months' lot - I do apologise that my three children, and those of many others on here and elsewhere, haven't been compliant with your rules.

I think to be fair, 3 DC in three years is a heck of a lot for anyone to cope with so I'm not surprised you're clashing, especially if you're both knackered. The current situation is increasing everyone's stress too. Be kind to yourselves and see if you can avoid in-laws sticking their beaks in (easy enough to avoid them on the phone, surely?)

@PinotByTheBucketPlease

Good response from you this morning and well done for brushing past the 'you shouldn't co-sleep' brigade. I'm sure you know where to find the evidence. I categorically believe that as your DH wants a solution he should help find it. (I was going to call it a problem, but it isn't a problem for everyone else, only him).

As for non helpful comments about introducing a bottle and his mum/sister, please don't let their views sway you.
Show your husband how Unicef and WHO recommend BF until 2yrs (the science bit that he's into). You may chose to stop before then, but it's your choice, not his, his mum's or sister's. Plus, we've a pandemic right now, if you get CV you will pass antibodies in the breastmilk to your baby.
I hope you won't be doing another night on the floor. How has he been this morning?
Can I suggest that you call the NCT helpline and speak to one of their breastfeeding counsellors? They're there for all things feeding irrespective of the age of the baby or if you want to talk about co-sleeping etc. They're also highly qualified in their field. They're open until midnight every night. 0300 330 0700.

OP my babies were not ‘popped easily’ into their cots. First month at least is always chaotic and tricky ime. But seven months later it’s not the same. Your baby is definitely capable of sleeping alone for long stretches without milk. Just sitting it out will see you still night feeding and co sleeping in a year or even two.

You’re right that a joint approach is needed but trying on your own for two hours then angrily trying to pass the baby over is just a recipe for a fight. You need to sit down together calmly, work out a joint plan and carry it out. Try to step back from the brink.

Next time he mentions bottles point out that he will be responsible for cleaning and sterilising them and ensuring there are feeds made up.

If they are still made in advance- 16 years since I last had a baby!

HRTFT but have seen the updates.
I’m worried I’ll get flamed but I agree with your DH.
There’s no way I could relax at night with a baby in the bed. I’d be far to worried about the dangers.
Was the decision to co sleep yours? You haven’t really addressed that, except to say he’s using that as his rationale. If it was, why can’t he remind you of it?
I am coming from the perspective of someone who bfed her children for years and never co slept, but that doesn’t for a second mean they just drifted off into a contented sleep! Far from it. I just accepted there was going to be a couple of years of massive sleep deprivation. Surely having 3 children under the age of 4 you’ve also made that decision?
My DH didn’t do any of the night wakings with any of our children, for our own personal reasons. Yes it was hard and I may have done it differently with the benefit of hindsight but it didn’t kill me.
I think you’re pissed that he called your bluff about sleeping on the floor. It’s like you went for a do or die approach and lost. Why didn’t you discuss a compromise, like you co-sleep mon-fri and at the weekends tackle the issue? Or he has a night out of the main bedroom to catch up on sleep and recharge? There are other options to sleeping on the floor.

Wow he's an arsehole. I'd tell him it is very much his problem and if he can't be bothered to help he will find it his sole problem for 50% of the time when you divorce him. Prick.

I co-sleep with my nearly 6 month old op. Love co-sleeping and it has made my life a lot easier although we're planning to move her to her cot in the next week or so because she's starting to crawl so sleeping on a bed won't be safe for her anymore.

OP on nightfeeds I'd say that yes your baby should get through the night with just one feed at that stage, have you started solids yet? We started solids about 2 weeks ago and DD has gone through 2 nights with 12 hour sleep and only one feed. Prior to that she was having 2-3 feeds a night.

Yes the baby wakes up screaming because they're used to getting a feed at certain times, but you'd be amazed at how quickly they adjust. I used the gentle night weaning method, sushing and stroking my baby back to sleep if she woke up too early and within 2 nights she dropped her earliest feed. It takes patience and perseverance, and actually she's a much happier baby during the day because she gets a good sleep, and I get to sleep too! It's not a criticism of you and your DH is definitely being UR, but you could try to reduce the feeds for both your and baby's sake.

Do what you need to do in order to get sleep. I'm 15 months into not having more than three hours at a time and still waking around 5times a night.

Make him sleep somewhere else. I have a friend who's a first time mum who still co sleeps with her 15 months old. Personally I could never do it but needs must

Also for all the concern about co-sleeping, it's really not that risky. Breastfeeding lowers the risk of sids by half anyway. And if you look at the unicef site, it says half of babies who die from sids in the uk are in cots or moses baskets, the other half co-sleeping (mostly in unsafe conditions e.g. on a sofa, parent smokes or on medication). So safe co-sleeping is actually very safe and perfectly natural. It's cot sleeping and formula feeding that is not normal or natural or best for babies and mums.

Bed sharing is not dangerous. Figures for children who have very sadly died in bed with their parents are children whose parents were drunk/taking illegal drugs/ on prescription drugs (eg sleeping tablets) / heavily obese.
A baby in bed with a sober, healthy adult , when breast fed is fine. And smaller babies should not be between the adults. Older babies (like this one) are fine.

Op YANBU, your DH is being a dick. However, is it worth a calm conversation in the morning? Or maybe a sleep tracker app on his phone so he can see he actually is sleeping all night long?!

I feel for you OP. Neither of mine slept well/transferred etc. With my first DS my husband insisted that he would sleep in his cot regardless when he got to 7-8 months, and didn’t help either as he needed to sleep for work. I spent 6 weeks getting 2 hours sleep at most a night as actually the baby didn’t settle and didn’t want to transfer. It wasn’t great for mental health. Fortunately DH now understands that he was being a complete twat.

Second baby, from the off we’ve had the understanding that DH can get a good night sleep apart from us, and I co-sleep with the cot/bed set up the safest way possible. If I have to do the work I get to make the decisions, and yes bedsharing is at is most dangerous when it’s unplanned so it better to try and mitigate the risks.

I hope your DH apologises for being so unsupportive too.

YANBU

your H is incredibly selfish. Don't give up your bed! He needs to be more involved in parenting, and by this I don't mean doing things with the kids, but engaging in your internal monologue how to do things and why. Im sorry but you are doing the hardest job there is - breastfeeding and mothering a baby, so instead if being selfish his energy should be in finding ways to support you.