AIBU to be fuming at DH!?

[PinotByTheBucketPlease]

We co-sleep with our 7 month old breastfed baby. Breastfeeding was never in my plan, nor was co-sleeping, but the two kind of just happened and seemed to fit together so well so I just ran with it.

I enjoy sleeping next to our baby, I love cuddling him, it’s made our bond so strong, feeding him to sleep while I doze next to him makes my life a hell of a lot easier, as some nights he can still feed up to five times (or more!), so I’ll be damned if I’m sitting up, hunched over to feed that many times through the night, then struggling to get him settled in a cot for god knows how long after.

A couple months ago, DH declared how unhappy he was about sleeping in the bed with the baby. He said he wasn’t get decent sleep, despite the fact he’d snore from the moment his head hit in the pillow, right up until he’d get up for work the following morning - often keeping me awake for hours at a time in the process!

Regardless, I expressed my sympathy and assured him that we wouldn’t be co-sleeping forever, I refuse to be one of those mums who still have their two year olds in bed with them (nothing against parents that do that, I just know I’ll wind up needing and wanting my bed space at some point!!!). I told him that once the baby drops down to two guaranteed feeds a night (rather than the erratic ones at present) I’ll actively start trying to settle him in to his cot, but for the time being, co-sleeping was saving my sanity and allowing me to have sufficient energy the following day to deal with our 3 year old, and two year old as well as the baby. In the mean time, I’ve been doing my utmost best to keep the baby on the outer side of the bed, away from DH for as much of the night as humanly possible!

Anyway, since lockdown, DH has really ramped up the ‘the baby shouldn’t be sleeping in here with us anymore, you need to do something about it now’ chats. I’m not ready to stop co-sleeping and make my life infinitely harder right now, but because he’s been nagging me, I finally caved this evening.

I took the baby through to our room and spent over two hours trying to settle him in to the cot (a next to me cot), only for him to wake up screaming like someone was murdering him 20 minutes later. I brought the baby back to the lounge with me, and started feeding him in there and said to DH ‘once I’ve finished feeding our baby, seeing as you’re the one who wants him to sleep away from us, you can take him and settle him, because I’ve just lost the best part of my entire evening and haven’t even had half an hour to myself since all three kids went to bed.’

DH turns around and goes ‘No. Its not my problem. You deal with it. You’re the one that started the co-sleeping, you need to fix it, not me!!’. I responded with something along the lines of ‘but co-sleeping and breastfeeding go hand-in-hand, it’s perfectly natural and normal, I’m not even ready to stop co-sleeping, the only reason I'm doing this now is because of you, but if I’m not going to have your support and your help, then fuck it, I won’t even bother’.

With that, I grabbed the spare duvet and a tonne of blankets and set up a makeshift bed in our lounge for myself and the baby, half expecting DH to say either ‘oh don’t do that, I’ll help out and make this easier on you’ or even ‘I’ll sleep in the lounge, you and the baby take the bedroom’, but nope, up he fucking got and went to bed in a huff, not saying goodnight, just fucked off and left me to it with our baby.

AIBU to think this isn’t just MY ‘problem’ to solve? We should be coming together as parents to ‘correct’ this, shouldn’t we? He’s the one that always told me to try breastfeeding our children because ‘it’s better for them’, and on our third and final child, I finally nailed it but now it’s like he’s fucking penalising and berating the efforts I’d put in place to both establish breastfeeding and also make sure I had enough rest to cope with our other young DC’s.

Ugh. Perspectives please!!!!

I'm going against the grain here but I agree with your partner. My kids have slept through from aged 2-3 months. I don't understand why you want to keep waking up to feed a baby when most are sleeping through by that age? Sounds like you want the baby in with you more for you then the baby.

I co slept with both of mine but please do not put the baby in between the 2 of you!!

Also, I moved both of mine from my bed into their own at 6 months. This would let you all get a better night sleep and allow you to have some down time after getting the kids to bed so it might not be a bad idea if you consider it on your own merits rather than just see it as something terrible your husband is trying to force you to do??

Whatever you choose though, please don't put the baby in the middle of 2 adults while you are all sleeping

So the ops babies aren’t exactly the same as birdsbees? When I see mums surprised others babies don’t behave exactly the same as theirs I always wonder if they ever met any other babies, or if their friends are all under such pressure they just lie about how things are going? How else can a mum not seem to realise babies are all different and you don’t get to choose? Mine pretty much don’t sleep through the night until they are over 2. At 4-5 months they wouldn’t do more than catnap until sometime between midnight and 2-3 am. It wasn’t for lack of trying. But hey, yours always slept through st that age, go you and your amazing parenting. And if people think that’s a bit rude of me to say this poster is supporting a dad for telling his wife to fix the baby’s sleep and stop disturbing his sleep by her being up with the baby, and it’s not his job to help with baby even though she’s breastfeeding like he always thought she should, is being pretty bloody unsupportive.

Is co-sleeping recommended these days? It wasn't when mine were born in the 90s

Regardless of whether there is a consensus on the safety of co-sleeping or not, your ‘D’H is the one who doesn’t like it so he should reasonably be expected to help change it.

If I was you I would tell him calmly that it suits you and your baby and if he wants to apologise and jointly play an active role in settling baby in his cot at night you will consider changing things.

Is it possible someone has been winding your husband up about the issue? Someone who doesn’t agree with co-sleeping. It seems strange to take such a rigid and resentful approach if he’s not usually like that.

My kids have slept through from aged 2-3 months.

Then you have absolutely no experience of a poor sleeper. Or even a normal one. I can never work out why people who haven't had to deal with an issue feel qualified to preach about it. My DD is a perfect eater. I don't give my friends with fussy eaters advice. WTF would I know?

My DD didn't sleep through until 2. And yes, we tried whatever nonsense you want to suggest. Except cry it out because hell no.

Co-sleeping is biologically normal, practiced around the world and throughout human history. I didn't do it but all the nonsense spoken about it irritates me.

OP, you have a solution to your issue, which is disturbed sleep. Co-sleeping. He needs a solution to his problem being a dickhead, which is not liking sharing a bad with the baby. He can move, or suck it up or settle the baby or do half the night wakings. Or whatever. But he can't duck out of parenting because this one is a little more work than he'd like.

YABU to share a bed with your baby. It is so dangerous. I couldn't read beyond that as I'm just amazed that so many people continue to do this despite hundreds of babies dying in adult beds every year.

Gosh times must have changed since I had a baby in 2005 because I thought sleeping with a baby was a big no no due to risk of suffocation. Has the evidence changed on this now?

@Casino218 No it absolutely hasn't. Bed sharing is dangerous. It increases the risk of SIDS by 400% compared to sleeping alone in a crib.

That safe sleep 7 bs has a lot to answer for.

Every time I read this kind of thing, I feel quite sick. People wouldn't go out in the car without a car seat so why is this so difficult for people to understand.

Yes the lack of sleep is a killer, my baby is also a poor sleeper but I would never bed share just so I can get more sleep. He's far too precious to me for that.

@Aveisenim Scientists (actual ones, not ones who "did a paper at university") disagree with you. Please stop peddling unsafe bullshit. The AAP says it is dangerous. They have plenty of evidence.

"So we're laying on the duvet, but baby always sleeps with his head on my arm, cuddled in to me, if that makes sense?"

Why do you feel that's safe? Your arm moves 1cm and your baby is dead.

Sleeping on a folded duvet is dangerous. It's too soft

Also @PinotByTheBucketPlease please read the lullaby trust's guidance on safer co-sleeping if you want to continue

The baby should never be between you and your DH. Should always be on the side of you and well away from the duvet.

Ok OP so maybe the reasons your DH isn't about the danger to your child. Selfish read possibly.
But co-sleeping is I'll advised and one of my DC's was a victim to it.
I'll say no more on the subject as I'm not a scientist. 🤷

Your DH is being a knob to make this your problem alone. Gestures like the duvet on the floor probably aren't helpful at communicating though.
On a practical note, together, you might want to look at getting a bigger cot. You might find the night waking drops off when you move away from co-sleeping rather than wait for the other way round. My 5/6 month old wouldn't settle in the next to me crib and so we moved up to a full size one. Sleep is much better (on our first wake of the night now) and she is also EBF too.
I do think that if the cot doesn't work out, breastfeeding is very tiring, and you should be able to co-sleep if it works for you and your husband should be more understanding of this.

You need to be in bed to cosleep, not on the floor. Your dh can sleep there if he chooses. Please look at the lullaby trust for how to cosleep in the most safe manner, you need the baby by you not your dh and you.

I've coslept due to terrible sleeping with my first dc, been in the side lying breast feeding position. We, dh and i, worked together to transition to their own room. You have to be a team, it's not all on you and he is a dick to suggest it is. He's slept fine up til now despite his protestations and reaped the good sleep. Now he can share poor sleeping to transition, not leave you too it.

Go back to bed and tell him you are either a team or you aren't in the morning. There's nothing so unattractive as a partner who can't be arsed to be supportive or work together.

@lyralalala All adult mattresses are too soft for babies. There is a reason crib mattresses are so hard. Adult mattresses don't support their heads and lead to positional asphyxiation.

The Lullaby Trust are not a reliable source of information.

God, I have to step away from this thread. So much bad information.

Please look at the AAP for the actual science. Bed sharing is lethal.

www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/sleep/Pages/A-Parents-Guide-to-Safe-Sleep.aspx

@Loveislovely The Lullaby Trust produces their safer co-sleeping guide with Public Health England and Uk Unicef

I advised it to the OP for safer co-sleeping

Safer co-sleeping is considerably safer than accidental co-sleeping.

The OP is highly unlikely to change her baby’s entire sleep routine in one evening after a row.

If people are going to co-sleep, as many choose to do, they should absolutely be signposted up the safest way to do that.

A cot or crib is the safest place for a baby to sleep. However, there are ways to make co-sleeping safer and if someone is going to co-sleep they should know that,

90% of babies who die of SIDS in the uk while co-sleeping do so in a hazardous situation. Stats from Unicef’s Co-sleeping and SIDS guidance.

So I’ll not apologise for pointing someone in the direction of how to do something they’re doing more safely

I can't even read this thread, I feel sick thinking about what could happen to your baby. Both of your sleeping arrangements are unsafe. Your H clearly won't take responsibility for this. That means you have to do it.

If you feel that you absolutely must sleep with the baby, read up on safe sleep and make sure that your husband complies with the new arrangement. There's plenty of statistics you can show him on babies being smothered in their sleep. It's not nice reading.

I don't understand your comment "my baby sleeps on my arm so it's safe". What makes you think that this is safe? The baby should sleep on a firm, flat surface!

If people are going to co-sleep, as many choose to do, they should absolutely be signposted up the safest way to do that.

Absolutely this. My midwife told me that they won't recommend cosleeping, will advise against, but as they knew people will still do it PHE asked the lullaby trust to show the safest way to do it so people have that rather then make it up as they go along.

There's no point stating an emphatic do not do this, when someone will. It won't change anything, all you can do is try to point to anything to make it safe. Same with car seats, you can't stop people turning tiny babies forward facing, you can only point out rf is safe the longer done and definitely up to 18 months.

Got to fucking love MN -
OP pissed off (and rightly so)
Asks if she or DH is being unreasonable
Majority say no, and offer sympathy
Other MNers: mum-shame co sleeping, argue definition of co sleeping, boast about how their baby slept through at 2 months; tell OP she’s likely to kill her baby; quote statistics without a source.

I would feel even shitter if I woke up to this thread in the morning, so well done for making the OP feel better

@PinotByTheBucketPlease
I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this. I hope a good nights sleep gives you both the time out required to look at this logically.

You can’t dismiss his feelings, and he can’t yours - so you have to find a middle ground solution for everyone.

Have a read Dr Jay Gordon Sleep Patterns blog Send it on email to him and suggest you need to discuss how we solve this, as a partnership.

I really do sympathise when you’re not on the same page as your DH but you need to discuss it and be honest with each other how you feel.

Personally, I had baby in my room/my bed safely co-sleeping for 9 months. Looking back, I wished I’d started implementing her going in a cot around 6 months (although all babies are different). What we did worked but we had space to do it (only sharing in case it helps). We had a Cot in her room, with a double bed for me to go in if she didn’t settle. We’d start off in her room/the cot, and at the first feed, I’d move into that room. Over time, I’d settle her better and get back to my own bed. As I was bf’ing, DH couldn’t do the nighttime wake ups, so we agreed he’d do all bedtime routine (I’d feed before a bath, and leave him to it, at first going in to top up a feed but eventually for him to be able to settle her, without relying on breastmilk)

You both need to be onboard with a solution and DH needs to know how upset you are about his behaviour last night.

Hope you got some sleep.

Same with car seats, you can't stop people turning tiny babies forward facing, you can only point out rf is safe the longer done and definitely up to 18 months

Exactly. You wouldn't withold the information about not wearing thick coats just because someone chose to FF early.

People do co-sleep, hiding the best way to do that just means people lack information. Especially when sleep training or restless nights - as the OP is bound to have if she changes her babies sleep routine - can lead to accidental, exhausted co-sleeping which is the most dangerous situation of all.

Yep sleeping on floor with a duvet not good, better off in bed.

My response to dh would've been to suck it up anyway. You're not getting a full nights sleep with a baby either, feeding all through the night. But his complaint is he doesn't sleep as deeply?! Let me guess, because of his big important man job he's entitled to 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. How many night feeds has he ever actually done?

While I sympathise with you and I think your dh is a massive cock - I also think it's probably no surprise that your cockhead husband is behaving like a cock. I'm sure he's always been one and not sure why you're surprised after 3 kids.

Especially when sleep training or restless nights - as the OP is bound to have if she changes her babies sleep routine - can lead to accidental, exhausted co-sleeping which is the most dangerous situation of all.

Definitely. Which is why i coslept my eldest. I really didn't enjoy it personally and wouldn't have chosen it but it was so much safer then when i accidentally fell asleep. Makes me feel sick even now to remember those times and the fear i had on waking realising I'd fallen asleep with him in my arms.

Hope you got off to sleep, OP. Tonight, sleep in the bed. Next time your DH tells you it's time to stop the co-sleeping just tell him that since he sees it as your problem, you'll deal with it your way on your time frame. And carry on until you are ready to try and change things.