AIBU? Sharing custody of a baby?

[Poppygirl96]

Me and my ex have recently split and we have a 5 month old son. Currently we are doing it where he gets our son 3 days a week and I get our son 4 days a week. But it is breaking my heart having to go without seeing our son for days. As he is so small I don’t think it’s a good idea to be constantly driving him up and down the country (me and my ex live 1hr 30 mins apart) and because of covid I also think it puts my son at risk.

My ex is a really good hands on dad and pays his fair share and wants to keep it like this. I don’t want to take him to court and lose our co parenting relationship or make things awkward. But if I did what is the likely hood of me getting primary custody?

As I don’t want to go through court just to lose to my ex or have 50/50 especially as our son is so small and I did mostly everything for him as the resident carer even before me and my ex split. Now my ex is suddenly acting more hands on and I don’t want things to be awkward between us.

What do I do? And if I don’t take him to court and just accept him keeping 3 day’s a week with my son how do I handle the separation from my son.

AIBU? I just feel like he’s so young it’s not fair on him like this and that he needs a stable and steady home especially for when he gets older.

@lovelydream yes I did. I loved my ex before but didn’t realise I wasn’t IN love with him. He wasn’t a loving or caring person and put his career before me so I really thought that by having our son it would change him and make him more loving and caring and put me first which would in turn make me love him. He promised to change, cried and said he would be a better man for me if we had our baby. And I didn’t work. He got worse during pregnancy and I was alone for most of it and for the new born stages. I was exhausted and did most things by myself as well as cooking cleaning and trying to earn extra money on the side. In the end I felt like a slave and yes I should have thought more clearly before having his baby but silly me for hoping things could change. Yes I should have been more clever and yes I do have some mental health issues but that has nothing to do with me having our son or leaving my ex. In fact it has helped me with my ex and I splitting. It’s gotten much better and I can think clearer now that he’s gone. Yes I feel bad for ending the relationship because I’ve split up our family but it was a long time coming and my ex knew how hard I was trying to keep the relationship together. All I want now is what’s best for our son.

@Amotherof6 didn’t realise it was a crime to leave an unhappy relationship regardless of having a baby involved? I’m not doing anything to spite my ex or be nasty I’m doing what’s best for our son who is only a baby and I don’t feel he should be dragged up and down the county... yes I wish I could have thought more carefully before having a baby with him it was an oversight on my end, I didn’t have our son to trap him or to plan on leaving him when our son is so young. It got to the point where I was deeply depressed and unhappy and had no choice. He asked me to move out so what could I do?

This poor, poor child. At this age a child needs a primary caregiver, and given everything you've said so far it actually sounds like your ex is in a better position to provide this for him.

Have you considered letting your child live in one place and you go back and forth every day or every couple of days to see him? It was you who moved so far away.

Normally I would advocate a child staying with its mother, I believe that children need their mothers. But more than anything they need to be loved in a stable environment, and this isn't happening for your child.

Do you think that seeking advice on every , single detail of your life is strong?
I think it shows your quite confused , your very vague about what it is you’re wanting to achieve or what things look like long term.
You seem to agree to things out of convenience with little thought or discussion.
This will only lead to more unnecessary drama and anguish.
You sound confused & unhappy and unfortunately your ex and baby are now in the mix of this chaos and drama.
It’s a sad situation.

*you’re

*advice from strangers , where the myriad of opinions will only confuse you more .

yes I wish I could have thought more carefully before having a baby with him it was an oversight on my end

Oh OP Please seek some RL help. Don’t be another person creating chaos and unhappiness.
Do what’s right for everyone .

I'd leave this thread if I were you OP. People are just laying into you now. It's just the way the thread went. Another day you'd have got loads of support for getting out of an unhappy relationship. Don't justify that anymore. You don't need to.

As for your child. I couldn't and wouldn't have this split in care. You don't have to take him to court, let him take you. No court would award this kind of split but the sooner you stop it the better. Try and talk to him first though. He may agree with you. Sounds a bit like he's desperate to hold on to you in some way hence suddenly stepping up in being a hands on a father. That may well wear off and he too might be finding this split care hard going. FWIW I don't think you used him as a sperm donor at all. Try not to take some of the stuff said on here too seriously. MN is weird at times and sometimes once someone starts ripping into someone on a thread, others seem to see it as a free for all and everyone piles in. It's a really unpleasant dynamic but don't let it get to you. You sound unhappy and confused. I hope you manage to find the best solution.

@Poppygirl96 If it's half your house, move back into it, you shouldn't have moved out until he signed the cheque. The only way he'll learn to do proper baths etc is by someone writing out a routine and helping him. That may have to be you as unpalatable as that sounds at the moment but it's for your sons good.

@chrissiekeller91 on another thread OP clarified that her ex earns well in excess of double her salary and they aren't married. I strongly suspect it isn't half her house and he's giving her a lump sum out of good will.

You are laying the seeds for a lot of future psychological trauma if you continue like this!

Oh ffs stop trying to scare the poor women.

Nothing to add because most of my points have already been made from a practical pov (i.e. no court would arrange this for such a young baby).

But I do want to say that I honestly don't think mine would have coped with this setup, secure attachment was something I wasn't even really aware of until I had my first and I probably wouldn't have understood even if I had read about it
.. it was at about the six months mark that mine would get scarily, confusingly upset.. so upset to the point of sobbing breath catching shakes.. if I left the room with baby on the floor, happy and surrounded by loved toys, just to (say) take the bins out for minutes.. in fact, it was a couple of weeks where I noticed crying starting if I was in the next room folding Washing up and singing!

Babies need their primary care giver at such a young age. I had to read up quickly about whether it was normal or not (it is!)

The damage split care at this age, it's huge.

You and ex need to come up with a child centric custody pattern asap. Stop being so selfish, is what I'd be saying to your ex. Figure out what the baby needs then step up as parents to provide it.

I fear you're about to slam head first into when separation anxiety really kicks in, without a clue, either of you!!!

@DivGirl oh right

I fear you're about to slam head first into when separation anxiety really kicks in, without a clue, either of you!!!*

DD1 never had separation anxiety, shes was always a very secure and confident baby who would go to anyone, who had her first sleepover at my parents at 4m old. After that she used to go every other weekend and was always happy and relaxed . If this has been the norm it might not be something that happens

massive red flags here OP. so, when your ex thought he had you he wasnt hands on? and when he realised you weren't getting back together he refused to allow you to stay in the same home but wants young baby son 2/3 times a week? okay, going to be honest this is about you not your son in my eyes - he struggled with the fact you left him even though by the sounds of it he did nothing to improve your relationship. having a baby with this man was foolish but it's done now.

put your baby first and fuck the fathers for justice brigade on here, your son comes first not him and you've been a lot kinder and fairer than some mums I know who would of told ex to take them to court especially if you were doing everything before. not taking away the money side as he is clearly a good earner so has from what I am reading provided financially but it's more damaging for your kid to grow up in a household with two parents who dont get on - I did and it sucked so again, fuck the people on here giving you a hard time got leaving. never stay in an unhappy relationship, what stupid advice.

No way- he should be with you full time until he is at least 5 in my opinion. No way under a year!! Say he can see him as often as he likes but he has to stay at your house full time.

This is a bloody ridiculous set up for a small baby!

Your son needs routine to make him feel secure, being in different places with different people and no doubt different routines will be very unsettling for him.

Do you even trust your ex to get up and settle your baby properly at night? Is he leaving him with other babysitters at any time?
Does he cuddle him when feeding or does he think bottle propping is acceptable? (It’s not, it’s dangerous) does he deal with dirty nappies swiftly or leave your son too long?

I’m not asking because it bothers me, I’m asking because you need to know and you don’t know!

Now for the really scarey bit. The small town where my adult daughter lives, a baby died, his mum had been farming the poor little sod out to anyone who’d look after him. She was very young mum 15/16. When the autopsy came back, the baby had been systematically abused, broken bones and all. Nobody was prosecuted because nobody knew who killed him. Mum was pregnant again and had that child immediately removed.

No way would I ever let my baby be out of my sight for that long. You’re mad for even considering it.

@sauvignonblancplz
Spot on.

Although I would go for a Malbec

The OP is hardly farming him out.
BUT I do agree somewhat, I dated a man who had his 2 year old over night one day a week and for 6 hours contact on another day (ovbiously only if that fitted around work and suited him) but if the child was ill on his contact day he wanted the time making up. All about him basically. The little boy was taken out with granny who drove with the child on her lap, kept him out til 10pm to see Christmas lights travelling alone with him on a train. Various stuff that I just knew the mother would be horrified if she knew was happening to her baby.

I think he does need guiding and supervising by the OP, he's is going to get overnight access so make it on your terms and keep the courts out of it.

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal

So you're saying a child shouldn't see and develop a relationship with their other parent until they are 5?

Ime most attachment problems and issues later in life are caused when dc have a dad that's not arsed or not been around/made the effort in their early years

@DrManhattan

Or a nice Rioja I was young; didn’t know any better.

@DivGirl nope I paid for more than half the deposit he just simply earns more to pay more of the bills. I had more money saved up when he met me

The house is in joint names

@Poppygirl96 you shouldn’t have left. Move back in and let him get a flat nearby. That’s the most obvious solution

It's so sad that people will have a baby with someone and walk away so easily.

If you cant stick it out even 6 months into the child's life, the relationship can't have been that strong before you planned the baby.

Anyway, unhelpful of me to comment, I know.

OP, can you not manage perhaps sharing a house until the child is a bit older? A tiny baby does need a bit more stability. You will get people going on & on on here about babies in nurseries from sub 6 months and it being fine having multiple care givers but go look at a nursery near you. You will see few babies under 8 or 9 months, for a reason.