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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH doesn't want me to do anything with my life

129 replies

Daughtersandme · 13/04/2020 11:20

Being in lockdown has really made me look at my life and how I haven't really been 'living' at all. I spend my days tidying, and chasing around after DH and the DC, enabling them to have the best lives they can whilst I feel like a maid. I have no time for hobbies, no higher learning even though I have very good A level results, and I work as a cleaner for a living.

My DH has a good life, lots of time to do hobbies, and works in a very good job. When we met we were equal in where we were in life but I have put myself on the backburner.

I started writing a list of things I would like to do over the next few years. I have a professional qualification that I would love to do and all these other dreams (all achievable, nothing outrageous). When I mentioned them to DH he said why did I want to do these things when I was fine as I am. Why wasn't I happy working at my 'little job' and why didn't I just go and read a book. Hmm

I feel like DH doesn't want me to better myself at all and I'm wondering why...

OP posts:
Sistersis · 13/04/2020 11:23

I think it's quite obvious why he wouldn't want you to better yourself, if you're laying on him hand and foot.

Miraclescometrue · 13/04/2020 11:24

He’s got it made hasn’t he? No wonder he doesn’t want you to change anything.

Whatsername177 · 13/04/2020 11:24

Because he would have to start pulling his weight. At the moment, he gets everything his own way.

MrsMozartMkII · 13/04/2020 11:25

He's an arse.

You crack on and do what you want with your life lass.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/04/2020 11:26

Because
i) then he would have to do his share
ii) it challenges his status as provider
iii) he doesn’t want you to be his equal

It maybe that he genuinely thinks that he is providing the best option for the family with you able to focus on the DC.

However, I suspect the way things are now works better for him than you.

Do you have equal access to money?

PennyNotSoWise · 13/04/2020 11:26

So he just wants you to be little wifey at home making his life easy.

Get out there and achieve your dreams. Life's too short, you don't want to regret it looking back.

MandyDingle · 13/04/2020 11:26

Because he believes you’re ‘out of his league’ and if you go out and have confidence you’ll leave him for someone else ‘in your league’ or that you’ll realise that you’re ‘out of his league’ and leave him. Who are you going to meet/how will you realise you’re ‘out of his league’ at home, feeling like you have nothing to offer, and feeling like you’re not really living.

CodyBurns · 13/04/2020 11:26

It sounds like he thinks you should play a supporting role in his life, rather than having a rewarding and happy life of your own. I couldn’t live with a man like this.

AdoptAdaptImprove · 13/04/2020 11:27

Stop thinking of them as dreams, and start thinking of them as plans. Tell him it’s his turn to support you in getting where you want to be in life, just like you’ve supported him to do the same. That’s a partnership. Suggest that if he wants the same level of domestic service he’s getting now that he can pay someone outside the home to do it.

Krisskrosskiss · 13/04/2020 11:27

Why is it about what he wants? If you want to do something else with your life then just tell him and sort it out.
Also you are being unreasonable for suggesting that caring for children is 'doing nothing with your life'.... it might nit be what you personally want to do and that's fair enough but it's quite insulting to suggest it's doing nothing.

foamrolling · 13/04/2020 11:27

He doesn't want you to because he's being selfish. He's happy with his life just as it is and he knows you facilitate this happy life for him. You starting to do things for yourself will inconvenience him and he knows this. It will mean he will actually have to do some parenting and running of the house and he doesn't want to do this. He cares more about his own happiness than yours.

funnylittlefloozie · 13/04/2020 11:28

How old are your children? How much "chasing around" do they need?

Tbh, i wouldnt think much of anyone who didnt encourage their partner to learn and grow, and spread their wings a bit. I would ignore him, and carry on making your plans and following your own path.

Oly4 · 13/04/2020 11:28

I think I’d be going back to him, telling him you’re going to pursue your dreams, you expect his support and he’s going to be doing his share of housework.
Fwiw I have three kids, a fab job in a profession I love and a happy family life. It can be done with a supportive partner

calpolatdawn · 13/04/2020 11:28

i could have written this, go for it OP life is too short x

Reginabambina · 13/04/2020 11:30

Just do it, his opinion doesn’t really matter.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 13/04/2020 11:31

That must be disappointing, seeing him in a new light suddenly.

Parker231 · 13/04/2020 11:32

Why don’t you have time for hobbies but he does?

mbosnz · 13/04/2020 11:32

Patronising sod. Doesn't want his very good life altered or threatened by you trying to improve your life.

Krisskrosskiss · 13/04/2020 11:32

I mean yes just tell him... make plans and then tell him what is going to happen.. you say they are achievable plans so just achieve them! You dont need him to cheer you on. Do you stand there cheering him on? Bet you dont and I bet he still just does it all anyway... so you do what you want anyway and tell him clearly what needs to happen... if it's all reasonable stuff that he could easily do.. like a bit of extra houseworkamd a bit of childcare... then he will just have to do it wont he? Doesnt matter of he osnt that enthusiastic about it... it's normal things both parents have to do to support the other and he will quickly get used to it... just be assertive instead of asking permission or expecting enthusiastic support

Northernsoulgirl45 · 13/04/2020 11:33

I would just do it op. My dh is a bit like that really. I was spending my life caring for him, (he gas a long term illness) our dc at least one who has additional needs, the home and a little job. Tbh though I wouldnt want to work more. I ended up taking up a hobby which I love and I haven't looked back and studying.

Trichinella · 13/04/2020 11:37

Just do it anyway.
Once you’ve made the decision and get started, family life will adapt.
Don’t spend your life with regret of not having gone for it.

netstaller · 13/04/2020 11:41

Do it, get the ball rolling, enrol! He will have to adapt.

CecilyP · 13/04/2020 11:43

Talking about your ‘dreams’ all sounds a bit X factor, but making realistic plans to follow a course to lead to a fulfilling career is something you should definitely pursue. Apart from anything your children won’t be young for ever and it’s a long time till retirement age. Tell him you are doing it- things have gone his way for too long.

opticaldelusion · 13/04/2020 11:43

He's a misogynist who enjoys his cushy life. Do what you want to do, OP, but be prepared for your husband to throw a tantrum.

elaine84 · 13/04/2020 11:44

I echo what others have said - just do it anyway. My dh is the same - can't understand, and is dismissive of, anything I might be interested in/want to do unless of course, he's interested too. So I've learnt to just go ahead, because actually, he doesn't much care either way!

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