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Original poster

DH doesn't want me to do anything with my life

129 replies

Daughtersandme · 13/04/2020 11:20

Being in lockdown has really made me look at my life and how I haven't really been 'living' at all. I spend my days tidying, and chasing around after DH and the DC, enabling them to have the best lives they can whilst I feel like a maid. I have no time for hobbies, no higher learning even though I have very good A level results, and I work as a cleaner for a living.

My DH has a good life, lots of time to do hobbies, and works in a very good job. When we met we were equal in where we were in life but I have put myself on the backburner.

I started writing a list of things I would like to do over the next few years. I have a professional qualification that I would love to do and all these other dreams (all achievable, nothing outrageous). When I mentioned them to DH he said why did I want to do these things when I was fine as I am. Why wasn't I happy working at my 'little job' and why didn't I just go and read a book. Hmm

I feel like DH doesn't want me to better myself at all and I'm wondering why...

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 17/04/2020 12:49

He's also scared you leave him if you see that life can be better when you aren't someones skivvy

maddening · 17/04/2020 12:55

Tell dh that you are not "fine as you are", you are not happy. He would not be happy if he was in your position - ask him to give it some thought and to use his empathy to get some understanding.

boylovesmeerkats · 17/04/2020 12:56

I'm so sorry, so many men are like this ☹️ all the talented women I meet stuck indoors. Some women like being a SAHM and cleaning but that doesn't mean you have to, and why should you have to justify wanting what he has?

My husband is bloody useless in many ways but I absolutely love how much he's supported my career. I have been part time for 7 years and had a blast but I'm going full time from May and it's really important to me.

I'd just book yourself on the qualification!

LannieDuck · 17/04/2020 13:14

Sometimes change is scary. Your husband is comfortable, so he doesn't want you to change. But he's thinking about himself, and not about whether you're happy or not.

Good for you for the enthusiasm you've found to do something else with your life. As others have said - it should be an easy fix to start taking hobby time. And you can work on a plan for the rest of it.

What are your ambitions? Maybe we can help figure out how you could get there...?

AnduinsGirl · 17/04/2020 13:21

I'm glad you're waking up, OP, and starting to consider the possibilities that are out there for you. This kind of thing terrifies me and makes my heart break for women who live their lives as drudges. I can't imagine the gut wrenching feeling of looking in the mirror as an old woman and realising I'd thrown away every chance life offered me.
Best of luck to you.

Northernwarrior · 17/04/2020 13:30

I would set the ground rules now. You are going to do x y z. Either he supports you or you will leave.

Original poster
Daughtersandme · 17/04/2020 15:15

Thank you again, everyone. I've been at the bottom of the pile for so long, it's difficult to pull yourself out of that mentality. It's difficult watching family and friends swoon over DH and accomplishments, whilst knowing that I, whilst equally intelligent, have nothing because I have spent my life in a supporting role.

I briefly mentioned some plans I had earlier to DH and he 'jokingly' said 'nooooo, I don't want you getting ideas. I don't like you having ideas. You're fine where you belong.' Hmm

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 17/04/2020 15:23

He’s very upfront about it isn’t he which is at least honest rather than paying lip service to you and then undermining you. Have you asked him why he doesn’t want change ?

comingintomyown · 17/04/2020 15:24

Wait , where you belong ? Where is that then did you ask him?

SueEllenMishke · 17/04/2020 15:25

I briefly mentioned some plans I had earlier to DH and he 'jokingly' said 'nooooo, I don't want you getting ideas. I don't like you having ideas. You're fine where you belong.' hmm

WTF!!!! This is awful. I think a serious discussion is in order. I couldn't live with someone like this.

FourDecades · 17/04/2020 15:26

When my XH were splitting up, one of the reasons he was leaving was because l don't actually "do" anything....

No TH (Twat Husband) that's because once l have finished working my two days as a nurse, cooked, cleaned and looked after the 2 DC - one of whom has ASD, l don't have much chance to go out. Unlike him who every evening was out doing hobbies and Saturday and Sundays....

dreamingbohemian · 17/04/2020 15:28

Wow. He's not even bothering to hide what a jerk he is.

I can't believe women still have to put up with this shit in 2020!

Don't give up your dreams OP. You only get one life, and it goes by so quickly.

incognitomum · 17/04/2020 15:28

Oh come on that last bit Grin

Parker231 · 17/04/2020 15:38

Why are you still with him? Any DH should be 100% supportive of any plans and ideas you might have and work with, not against you, to help you achieve them.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/04/2020 15:41

You're fine where you belong
WTAF??????
I gasped out loud at that comment.
Please don't accept this secondary half life!
He has it made at the moment.
So don't be getting ideas above your station young lady!!!
I'm fuming for you OP.
You go out there and grab life.
You get one shot at this.
Do NOT waste it listening to your lazy, misogynistic, asshole of a 'D'H!!! Jeez, it's not the 1950's!

ChuckleBuckles · 17/04/2020 15:48

You're fine where you belong

WTF is he to decide that this is as good as things get for you OP? Would you want to live your whole life to a standard set by someone else? How many more years are you willing to be last in your own life?

FlowerArranger · 17/04/2020 15:51

@Daughtersandme.... Just do what you want to do - whatever it takes to carve the future you want for yourself. Make yourself your priority. Because - and never forget this!! - no one else will.

So what if the housework piles up. Remember Quentin Crisp's dictum: "There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse."

And answer Mary Oliver's perceptive question - she knew a thing or two:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

UnagiSalmonSkinRoll · 17/04/2020 15:59

I felt like this when I was with my then partner, I started doing health and social care when I was younger, but then we rented a flat together, then got jobs and had a child. I really wanted to go back to college but he wouldn't let me saying we can't afford it. 15 years and 2 DC later, we're not together anymore and I'm now in my first year studying children's nursing at Uni.
I'm certain if we were still together I wouldn't be in uni at all.
Just do it, you only get one life Smile

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2020 16:04

I, whilst equally intelligent, have nothing because I have spent my life in a supporting role.

No one should be a passenger in their own life.

He will try to stop you. Remember that. Because it's his real face.

Needanewhobby1 · 17/04/2020 16:13

I have always wanted to get my motorcycle licence. My husband is not the most...dynamic of people...and lives in fear of change. Lockdown has taught me that he thinks I am too clumsy and ill-prepared to get my licence (neither of us drive or even own a provisional licence). He thinks it's ridiculous. So I am now saving up to make it happen. Because I'm fed-up of him telling me what to do. Also, relying public transport during the lockdown is not the safest way to get to work (key worker). After I get the motorcycle licence, I might learn to drive a car. Dh is saying, how much is this going to cost us? But tbf I don't care anymore. I need to do something.

Another thing I'd like to do is a degree at the OU. More moaning about time and cost. Dh does help me out at home, he cooks, cleans, does the shopping and washes up. But it's a routine he's had for years and I am bored. I need a hobby. He goes to football matches and the pub (not right now, obviously) but I have nothing. So as soon as the DVLA opens again I'm applying for a provisional and seeing how much a degree will cost. Or if not a degree, do some courses in my preferred subject. My life needs a shake-up. I need an outlet.

FallonSwift · 17/04/2020 16:21

Where you belong?

What the fuck does that mean?

What, in your subservient role running around after him and finding fulfilment by washing his pants?

I'd have gone fucking nuclear at him. Who the fuck does he think he is?

He's shown you exactly what he thinks of you. The question is what are you going to do about it?

Foghead · 17/04/2020 16:22

Op, don’t share your ideas with him anymore. He may try to sabotage them.
You just go ahead and just start doing what you need to do then just tell him what he needs to do if any change is required.

FallonSwift · 17/04/2020 16:24

Oh and he's being strange about it because he doesn't want you to succeed, because it means that he won't be the 'star' any more and he'll have to pull his weight around the house. Most of all he'll be shitting himself that you'll wise up to the fact that he's a lazy, sexist arsehole, and leave him for someone more evolved.

So he's 'joking' and putting you down in the hope that you'll lose the confidence, decide it's a bad idea and give up and shuffle back off into your box, where he thinks you belong.

FallonSwift · 17/04/2020 16:24

PS - agree with Foghead. I wouldn't put it past him to try and sabotage you.

givemeacall · 17/04/2020 16:28

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