DH doesn't want me to do anything with my life

[Daughtersandme]

Being in lockdown has really made me look at my life and how I haven't really been 'living' at all. I spend my days tidying, and chasing around after DH and the DC, enabling them to have the best lives they can whilst I feel like a maid. I have no time for hobbies, no higher learning even though I have very good A level results, and I work as a cleaner for a living.

My DH has a good life, lots of time to do hobbies, and works in a very good job. When we met we were equal in where we were in life but I have put myself on the backburner.

I started writing a list of things I would like to do over the next few years. I have a professional qualification that I would love to do and all these other dreams (all achievable, nothing outrageous). When I mentioned them to DH he said why did I want to do these things when I was fine as I am. Why wasn't I happy working at my 'little job' and why didn't I just go and read a book.

I feel like DH doesn't want me to better myself at all and I'm wondering why...

He's a right selfish arse and he couldn't have stated it more plainly.

So you have set yourself up as the house skivvy....

Hardly surprising that he is very happy with his life.

Have a good hard look at the family dynamics.

Take this time to start handing over tasks, not doing tasks and simplifying what you are doing for everyone in the house.

Be ruthless.

When asked why you are doing it?
Spell it out to one and all, that they need to play their part more.....because the skivvy has decided that she is bowing out..and mean it.

Meals
Cleaning
Laundry
Organisation

Look at these areas and insist everyone steps up.

You have a shitty dull life because you have allowed it to happen.

There may be children out there that will say "oh Mum, please don't do that for me"...but I certainly don't have them, nor have I come across them.

Similarly with men....if you just do absolutely everything for them and they are selfish to start with....you can bet that they will allow you to do it all......

He likes you in your place...in the background...supporting him and his lovely life...fxxk that OP!

Good on you op for having aspirations that will better yourself and make you happy. If your husband doesn't support that, when you've spent your life supporting him, then you have a huge problem. You are equal.

It's your life to do what you want. I respect my husbands wishes for me but I still have my dreams and goals like I respect him. Talk openly and say whilst I enjoy being home and looking after everyone, I want to be able to do a,b and c. Let him understand your sides and views

This is a massive feminist issue, millions of women are funnelled into this life due to our culture.

Don't let anyone blame you for getting yourself into this situation, at least without acknowledging the forces at play.

Of course it's possible - though an uphill struggle - to improve your life, but we do all women a huge disservice to ignore how the situation arises all over the place.

Get self-focused - it's not selfish to do so.

Your op reminds me of a friend of mine. She got into uni in her late 30s after completing a couple of A levels in evening classes. Her marriage had disintegrated by the end of her first year. Her DH didn’t think he should have to take on any domestic chores or indeed parent his own children.

She has absolutely no regrets. Life’s too short.

At the moment you are a key resource. If you have your own self agency then your time and energy, which is currently spent being on being the main organiser for house/mental load chores, would be diverted and this would mean that he may need to adjust his own use of time/energy. His resistance is because the status quo is arranged around his needs so why would he wish it to change?

It sounds like you were once equals. It’s right that you should be able to prioritise, or at least factor in, your own choices, needs and ambitions. If it’s safe to do so, present your ideas as a serious aim rather than giving him the opportunity to read it as you asking permission and be prepared to calmly challenge any response that seems to belittle your plans. If for any reason you don’t feel able to pursue this then it might be time to rethink the relationship because lockdown is useful in highlighting what we want and don’t want to retain from our usual way of living.

Plan now to do for you what you need to do. Your dc will grow up and soon will be self sufficient. Dont be the maid.
Live your life.
Work with your qualification.
Pay between you for a cleaner (post lockdown)

Agree with everyone else -- turn these dreams into plans and go for it.

It's clear why men like this are not supportive, they do not want their cushy life to end.

I had a glimpse of this a few years ago. I was working flat out and DH was between jobs, so he took over everything house and child related for a short time.

It was amazing! I could focus completely on work and downtime was really relaxing. For the first time, I understood why there are so many asshole husbands on these threads -- they've got it great, and they selfishly don't want to give that up.

Our experience only lasted a short time but I would never have gone on with it indefinitely, it would be so unfair. That's what you need to get across to him OP -- that it's not fair. If he can't understand that, then your marriage is in real trouble.

He's not going to support this because the status quo works for him. I suggest you start rebalancing your life by approaching all aspects with the following question: 'What's in this for me?'

And ask yourself why you have 'put yourself on the backburner' in the first place. This situation is a result of choices you made, too - I say this in no spirit of blame, but because it might help you feel more in control of the future if you see where you made poor choices in the past.

And, unfortunately, female socialisation still too often connives at women putting themselves last. My mother remains absolutely horrified at me continually insisting on putting myself first in my own life, and considering my priorities as at least as important as DH's and DS's.

Change will come about as a result of your own actions, and your husband won't magically start to prioritise your wishes, or like it when you do -- I believe you can do it, but it will be difficult and will involve you completely renegotiating your sense of yourself and your role in your family. Uncomfortable but worthwhile.

Good luck!

Because he treats you as a skivvy. Don’t dare let him put you off doing what you want!

He's a misogynist who enjoys his cushy life. Do what you want to do, OP, but be prepared for your husband to throw a tantrum.

This. Sadly I'd go a step further and say be prepared for the changes to want to make to also end your marriage.

Any marriage that can be ended by something like this is not one worth keeping though!

He believes you are there to wait on him and raise his child.
Get on with what you want to do and he'll have to step up with his responsibilities.
Stop chasing around after him, and go for a walk without him and your child.
Start now whilst you can change little things for when we are out of lockdown.

Assuming he is not selfish, it can just be change to his own life.

I suspect that he and your kids and your siblings and you when you were growing up are/were all capable of asserting your wishes and getting your way.

You just have to state what your plans are and then work together to make it happen. Just be adamant that it is going to happen.

I have said this on here before now but the best lesson to me was when some friends came to stay with their daughters. The little one loved swimming and wanted to go. She was determined and got everyone to accommodate her. Now whenever I feel like it is too much agro to get other people to accommodate me to do something I fancy, I think of her and channel my inner kid.

My mum was always out and about doing things whereas most of my friend's mums just stayed home. I was always proud of my mum for having a life. She was and is a lot more interesting to talk to as well.

You have one life, go for it.

OP, if you’re not happy you can either continue as you are or make the changes which you want.

Err just do it? Not sure why you need his approval or opinion anyway. Ignore him and just go get what you want!

Many many years ago I was married to someone like this. I confided in my mum (sadly passed away years ago).

I remember saying to her "Mum, I feel like he is wasting my life".

She replied to me "My love, only you can waste your own life".

OP, make your dreams, make them big, and go forward to do them. The other things in your day to day life will still be there if you want them to be.

He doesnt want you to change because at the moment he has someone to look after his houses, his kids, so he can have plenty downtime and get on with his hobbies. If you had a (more) demanding career he would have to do his share of kids dropping off, picking up, taking time off when they're sick, shopping, cooking and housework. And I was going to say giving you equal time off for hobbies / relaxing / seeing friends etc, but to be honest he should be doing that now anyway and if he doesnt it's because he thinks that because he has a job, he is more important. He doesnt want you to also be important to the family

He is quite happy for you to do what you do as it means you are always there for him and the children ,it’s sounds like he feels threatened that you want to do something With your life..

I went back to college last year and a few of dh’s friends said why has she went back to college, she has a job, ............but it’s not the job I want to do forever. I’ve gone back to train in something I’ve always wanted to do and dh couldn’t be prouder. He’s been so encouraging and so should your dh be.

Go for it, the only problem who can change your life is YOU !

Start living for you and not just your not so "d"h. You deserve to have a life too just because you got married and had kids it doesnt mean you should lose your identity and just be a mum and wife the rest of your life. You are a person too

Do take heed of the advice here. So many women find themselves trapped or dumped after years of supporting their husband's role as financial provider, left with nothing.

Always work. No matter how hard when children are born, remain in employment. If you dh won't support you in work in the early day you can guarantee he won't support you later on either.

You DH is assuming that because he is happy with the status quo that you are happy with the status quo. You need to make it clear that you are not happy. Your DH will kick back as he will see his nice cushy life with plenty of hobby time changing.

You need to plan your answers ready for when he pushes back -

You - I’m going to Zumba/basket weaving/going to sit in starbucks and have a coffee club on Tuesday and Thursday you will need to look after DC and cook tea, bath and bedtime. DH - moans. You - you do your hobbies 2 x a week. I’m doing my hobbies 2 x a week. How is that not fair.

DaughtersandMe - you wouldn’t like it any more if he said you were indeed wasting your life and were nothing more than a boring, tiresome drudge. Is he stopping you from doing these things or isn’t he? You don’t need his approval to follow through on your stated modest and attainable dreams any more than he needs your approval to pursue a modest and attainable hobby. Or does he present you with lists of his modest dreams and ask you for your approval, too?! I’ll bet he doesn’t.

You are a maid, nothing more. Of course he doesn't want you to better yourself - who would pick up his dirty pantsm provide clean clothes, cook, look after his children. His life would be shit if you were out enjoying life like he is.
But you must do something with your life because right now your life is meaningless, nothing and always will be.
Imagine if he left you when the kids have grown up and starts again with someone else because he is bored with the drudge he lives with for whom he has zero respect. It happens all the time.
Where does that leave you?
My aunt had 4 kids and did everything but she still managed to do three degrees n the open university and get a fabulous job in an extremely well paid field.
She left the whole family for a year and went to live in the country while she decided if she wanted to stay with her husband. They did stay together but it was entirely her choice and changes were made to the household.
It's time you stopped running about after him and you need to do your own thing, get that qualification.
Put your foot down and tell them all in no uncertain terms that it stops now, they are all going to pick up the slack and do it.
I've learned never to trust a man and always have a career plan.

Because he's selfish and the status quo is convenient to him, obviously!

A deeper question worth asking is: who does he love more, you, or himself?

Please please PLEASE do the things you want to do OP! Regardless of whether your husband wants you to and is supportive or not. (Hint: if he isn’t encouraging you he is holding you back- cut the dead weight loose and move forward)