DH doesn't want me to do anything with my life

[Daughtersandme]

Being in lockdown has really made me look at my life and how I haven't really been 'living' at all. I spend my days tidying, and chasing around after DH and the DC, enabling them to have the best lives they can whilst I feel like a maid. I have no time for hobbies, no higher learning even though I have very good A level results, and I work as a cleaner for a living.

My DH has a good life, lots of time to do hobbies, and works in a very good job. When we met we were equal in where we were in life but I have put myself on the backburner.

I started writing a list of things I would like to do over the next few years. I have a professional qualification that I would love to do and all these other dreams (all achievable, nothing outrageous). When I mentioned them to DH he said why did I want to do these things when I was fine as I am. Why wasn't I happy working at my 'little job' and why didn't I just go and read a book.

I feel like DH doesn't want me to better myself at all and I'm wondering why...

Definitely just get on and do it.

If you feel you have to ask permission to use your evenings as you choose, to read what you wish, or to think about what you wish to think about, you really need to ask yourself why that is and how you escape your current owner.

madcatladyforever - people who tidy, clean and care for others do not have meaningless lives. A meaningless life and one unappreciated by people like you are two entirely different things.

This might just be a lesson in not doing things for the purposes of other people’s approval or thanks. You are heading for a life of disappointment in every field if your life only has meaning because of what other people think.

I think what stops women in this position from changing - or at least what I've learned since my marriage ended - is that it's impossible to believe that this man who "loves" you is actually cold-heartedly using you as a slave.

I wish that was an exaggeration.

It may not even be conscious, they may have just grown up with the idea that you get a wife and she does all your hard work. They probably believe it's the way of the world and she's probably fine with it. They may even feel what they think is love for her, but it's fundamentally a sense of enjoying owning her.

Otoh I'm grumpy today so this could all be an exaggeration. I hope so anyway

He sees himself as the benevolent benefactor whereas you have just realised you have taken on a facilitating subservient role. I would start taking baby steps to becoming equals again (in housework, in bed, in hobbies, in decision making).

Money for hobbies should be split evenly so that you have exactly the same amount as him. You can use this as you wish to better yourself. Think about your strengths and your interests and see what it out there that you want to aim for. Can you use this lockdown period to get involved in some volunteering while he looks after the kids for a bit? It might give you some time away doing something that makes you feel valued.

You are waiting for his permission. You are like a kid saying to Dad you are thinking of going to the disco Friday night. Then when he merely frowns you go off upstairs, hurl yourself sobbing onto the bed saying he's a monster who doesn't love you. You are making this all about him. It's not about him really.
YOU start doing what YOU want. You can't blame him for 'stopping' you, it's really you that the obstacles. One of which is having fallen into a pattern of thinking you need him to be OK with everything before you set a foot outside the door. It happens to a lot of us.
It's not his fault if you have no hobbies. You just don't want to put anyone out on your behalf because you depend on approval too much (currently).
You are kind of waiting for him to tell you to do it, so that you have his approval first. Do it first, then ask for his help with sharing of the household stuff. You don't have to divorce him, just start with one thing for yourself and ask for his help.
You could set aside one evening where you do an online course, barricade yourself into a room and tell DH he has to look after dinner and the kids until you come out.

Is cost of your qualification a factor? and would you have to give up your job? DH really struggled with the idea of me doing my degree and then my masters as he was worried about the financial implications and because he had just assumed I was happy with how things were. He was fine once he got used to the idea and once we'd talked it through properly, and he could see I'd already worked out all the things he was worried about, he was really supportive. He just had a selfish 5 minutes when I first mentioned it as he couldn't see how it could work with our family, he was worried we wouldn't cope financially, that childcare would be a nightmare, that I wouldn't have any time to spend with him and the kids anymore, and actually once he was honest about it he was worried that it would affect our relationship (because he didn't go to uni/isn't academic and was being an idiot about it).

Maybe talk about it again when you have time to sit and actually talk it through and it isn't a surprise to him.

My ex was like this. He was abusive in many ways and the last thing he wanted was for me to gain confidence and decide to leave him.

Your partner is basically the same in the sense that he doesn’t want you to act on your ambitions incase you leave him. If I was you I’d do both: go out and seize every opportunity you can and also leave the bastard. No one should ever settle for someone who discourages them from wanting to be happy with their life.

Start by splitting chores and sorting out equal down time.

Plan out exactly how you will go for your qualification and do it.

Presumably his hobbies cost money too, so why on earth wouldn’t you be able to spend money on getting a qualification and getting yourself a satisfying life?

Sadly it sounds to me that you've married and had children with a jerk. He is happy for you to be downtrodden and unhappy. He should want you to be the most you can be, and fulfilled, and happy. He's a jerk.

You know why, because he has a very good life because you act like his maid. He doesn’t want to give that up.

It’s not about you, he doesn’t care about what you want, all he is thinking about his Him, how it will impact him. Will he have to do childcare, cook, clean etc. So he’d prefer the status quo remains and he continues to have a very good life with you sacrificing yourself to enable it.

You have one life. Live it.

agree with AnyFucker never understand why any woman would want to live like a maid or be in a marriage where one half is having a great life, working, going out and having hobbies and the other staying at home, doing all the childcare and all the housekeeping

Maybe because your childhood was chaotic for some reason and you want (or think you want) your DC to have a loving DM to come home to, a nice house. Maybe you fell for the finding the one you love and running the home will make you happy. Maybe it just happened, you are busy, you like a clean home, you haven' actually complained, instead seemed reasonably happy, so DH has no clue.

You need to feel more fulfilled by getting out of the house and hopefully getting ajob you en joy, though, especially with DCs that is usually not straightforward.
Be prepared for some big changes, house not so clean, you not so in control. Some deep thinking, what do you really want to be doing in 10 years time. You will have to pass over many of your chores to a cleaner/ DH / a childminder.
I think you are wrong to blame it on DH, it is partly your choice/error too. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't get on with sorting your life from now.

Definitely think of what you will do as plans not dreams. You doing this is also a great role model for your DC. Good luck

You have to hand over your many chores to a childminder/ DH / cleaner? Wtf are we still in the 1950s? She wouldn't be handing over 'her' chores, she isn't a bloody maid- she will be doing what many couples do is share the load. Many SAHM do manage to marry a DH who contributes to family life and housekeeping!

Maybe because your childhood was chaotic for some reason and you want (or think you want) your DC to have a loving DM to come home to, a nice house. Maybe you fell for the finding the one you love and running the home will make you happy. Maybe it just happened, you are busy, you like a clean home, you haven' actually complained, instead seemed reasonably happy, so DH has no clue

These maybes make no logical sense. You can still have an equal marriage and a life of your own and be a loving mother for kids to come home to and have a nice house. The two are not mutually exclusive. You can still like and have a clean home without being the skivvy. The two are not mutually inclusive.

Although pretending to be happy whilst you act like the maid for years is a harder one to explain, much more complex, but that’s not something that just “happens”.

It sounds like you have had that light bulb moment

So, now you need to make some changes

If the children are not small, they can start doing chores

Start planning what you want to do short & long term

"My life is meant to be fulfilling, too". You're allowed to say that.

Thanks everyone. I really feel like I've had my 'lightbulb' moment and there is no going back. The enthusiasm about potentially starting a new career has started seeping into other areas of my life, losing weight, reconnecting and making new friends, starting a new hobby.

DH however is being very strange about the whole thing. He seems almost desperate about stopping me doing anything. He suddenly wants to spend more time with me as I said that I had a bit of time in the evenings to get on with my own thing, as he usually likes to do his own thing in the evening. Really don't know what to make of it all

Carry on as you are and keep pursuing your dreams. He’s panicking and wants to prevent you from doing anything as it’ll affect him and his easy life. Selfish douche. Don’t be flattered by this new attention, it’s not flattering, it’s controlling.

He is afraid that you will better yourself and leave him. And he is selfish and doesn't want to change his perfect life.

For the people saying 'do it anyway', it is very hard to do that without his support, for example when he needs to look after the DC while you study. He can and will quite easily sabotage your plans, to the point where you will give up because he makes it impossible. He will also guilt you into giving up your plans and make you feel like a shit wife and mother while he swans about in his selfish life that you facilitate for him.

He doesn't want the status quo changed. He's very happy, leading a very fulfilling life, having you to do all the grunt work.

Don't be phased, I personally would excitedly look at him and say 'oooh lovely!! What do you want to do tonight?!' After a couple of nights of that he'll be back at his hobbies and you can get on with your life.

Not strange OP.

Just very predictable.

Enjoy this new found interest in making your life better.

Expect him to become petulant and obstructive......anything to keep you in your place.

Because he's misogynistic and selfish and enjoys having you look after him. He knows if the situation changes he will have to step up and actually look after himself and his kids.

Life is short and you only get one. Don't let this man stop you living the life you want to.