Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

DH doesn't want me to do anything with my life

129 replies

Daughtersandme · 13/04/2020 11:20

Being in lockdown has really made me look at my life and how I haven't really been 'living' at all. I spend my days tidying, and chasing around after DH and the DC, enabling them to have the best lives they can whilst I feel like a maid. I have no time for hobbies, no higher learning even though I have very good A level results, and I work as a cleaner for a living.

My DH has a good life, lots of time to do hobbies, and works in a very good job. When we met we were equal in where we were in life but I have put myself on the backburner.

I started writing a list of things I would like to do over the next few years. I have a professional qualification that I would love to do and all these other dreams (all achievable, nothing outrageous). When I mentioned them to DH he said why did I want to do these things when I was fine as I am. Why wasn't I happy working at my 'little job' and why didn't I just go and read a book.

I feel like DH doesn't want me to better myself at all and I'm wondering why...

OP posts:

MumW · 13/04/2020 11:45

I could've written that.
I fear that we are going to come to blows before this is over.
I've decided that I'm not being the scivvy any more so the dishwasher is sitting unemptied and there is a pile of dirty dishes on the side. DH is busy doing his thing, so I'm busy doing my thing. Wonder when he'll notice.
My one concession is that I will go to the shop for bread as he is isolating.

Foghead · 13/04/2020 11:46

Just do it. Why should you not achieve your goals?
You never know what the future holds so it makes sense on a practical level as well as emotional level.

PicsInRed · 13/04/2020 11:47

MandyDingle

Because he believes you’re ‘out of his league’ and if you go out and have confidence you’ll leave him for someone else ‘in your league’ or that you’ll realise that you’re ‘out of his league’ and leave him. Who are you going to meet/how will you realise you’re ‘out of his league’ at home, feeling like you have nothing to offer, and feeling like you’re not really living.

This, absolutely.

OP, get out there and live the only life you will get.

TwentyViginti · 13/04/2020 11:51

He's happy to have you as a bit player in your own life as it enables HIS happy, fulfilled life.

HollowTalk · 13/04/2020 11:52

Exactly this.

HollowTalk · 13/04/2020 11:53

Have you ever seen Educating Rita, OP?

Luckingfovely · 13/04/2020 11:57

He's your husband, not your boss.

If he doesn't want you to live your best life because it might interfere with the ease and comfort of his - I would seriously question the relationship.

WanderingMilly · 13/04/2020 12:03

It's good that you have begun to realise the true imbalance in your marriage.
Now crack on and realise your dreams, make them happen and good luck to you. Don't let your husband stop you and if he does, tell him to jog on....

Ponoka7 · 13/04/2020 12:03

Please think about where you will be in your 40/50's, if you are single and have missed the opportunity to use your qualifications.

I was widowed in my 30's and took the opportunity to study, butvit gets harder as you get older. I'm sorry that i didn't do it during my marriage, but my DH wasn't supportive and life was different then.

There's travel that i now feel that I've missed out on and you don't ever know if you will have the opportunity in the future.

wildcherries · 13/04/2020 12:04

You're obviously not fine as you are when you're bringing up a desire to change your situation. Condescending af. I can't bear attitudes like this. PP has it right. He doesn't see you as his equal. Make plans and goals for your life. You don't need his permission.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/04/2020 12:04

At the moment you are totally dependent upon him financially, emotionally and socially.

Can you see how much power this gives him over you?

God forbid your relationship goes wrong, but if it does (or if he dies unexpectedly), you are totally stuffed.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 13/04/2020 12:05

I gave up a career (which I hated, but it was reasonably well paid and high status) to become a SAHM for a few years. Now my DC are both in school, I'm studying a post-graduate qualification which will hopefully lead to a new career (or I was till lockdown happened!)

My DH has been very supportive - don't get me wrong, he really has. He contributed to my course fees as I didn't have quite enough saved, has picked up the extra childcare and domestic work required as much as he can. But did he prefer it when I was at home and he could leave all that stuff to me? Yes of course he did! His life was so much easier then - all he had to do was go to work, everything else was taken care of.

What I'm trying to say is it's perfectly natural to like having someone else take on all the domestic responsibilities for us - I think most people would enjoy that - but that someone who really loves you would understand you can't just do that forever and would support you in trying to build a better life for yourself.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/04/2020 12:07

Let him know you weren’t asking permission, this is what’s going to happen

Eddielzzard · 13/04/2020 12:08

Glad you're thinking about whether you're living your best life. Sounds like you have exciting plans. You have to fight for those as it seems your DH likes the balance just the way it is, him living his life to the full and you being his skivvy.

lemoncheesecakes · 13/04/2020 12:10

Because he has a good life with you as his skivvy of course. He's selfish and I'd be questioning my relationship.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/04/2020 12:12

Why wasn't I happy working at my 'little job' and why didn't I just go and read a book.

This is what you say to him when you inform him that he won't be able to go and do X hobby on X day from now on, because you're going to start taking your share of the free time in the family to do your qualification during that time.

He doesn't like it?

Tell him quite pleasantly that his other option is to eventually end up divorced then, as you've come to the end of the road with being the family maid. He starts pulling his weight, or he is no longer worth being with, surely.

Oh and you are doing your children NO favours - you're very much not enabling them to live their best lives, you're providing them with their worst example of potentially how much they'll value theirs!

rainbowstardrops · 13/04/2020 12:13

If he thinks it's reasonable to expect you to be happy and content with your current situation and he doesn't love you enough to want to see you 'fly' then suggest you both turn the tables and he takes on your current role and you take his ........ I'd put money on the fact that he wouldn't think that's fair ......

Enough said.

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2020 12:16

I think you need to be honest and tell him that you arent happy as you are and I really do think you need to look at your opening two paragraphs

My DH has a good life, lots of time to do hobbies, and works in a very good job. When we met we were equal in where we were in life but I have put myself on the backburner.

And tell him this and that would he be happy because you are happy to switch. And that it is time for you to be more equal. This is time for you to become more and that you hope he would be supportive of you like you have of him but it isnt optional

Butterymuffin · 13/04/2020 12:18

The imbalance in hobby time / free time is the quickest thing you can address here so do that. No reason why he should have this time but you don't. Are his hobbies still even possible under lockdown? Work out equal time 'off' from being responsible for the kids for each of you from here on.

AnyFucker · 13/04/2020 12:20

I hope many, many more women wake up to the fact that they have skivvied themselves for what exactly ?

To be disrespected, treated like part of the furniture and have their ability to support themselves wrecked

Op, do what you want to do. Your family will adapt. Your husbsnd will have to lump it and if he doesn't then I suggest you seriously re-evaluate your "marriage"

fuckoffImcounting · 13/04/2020 12:26

Mate, this is your life, not a rehearsal. Get on with it - get back to being equal and he won't dare to patronise you.

YinMnBlue · 13/04/2020 12:27

Well, now you know how right you are to want, need, to build your life to your full potential and capacity!

Go for it, OP. Be proud of how yo have supported your family so far, and be proud of the achievements over the next few years as you reach your goals.

Make a plan, and get on with it.

You don't need his approval.

TiredofSM · 13/04/2020 12:27

From my perspective it comes down to how old your DC are. Mine are both under 6 and DH and I agreed I’d stay at home with the kids until they start school.
I had a really good career before it I don’t feel like I wasting my life by not working, I’m looking after my family.
When my youngest started nursery I started my own business. It’s small scale and on hold during lockdown but I will admit DH was particularly pleased.
Partly because it wasn’t what we agreed and partly because I now spend my evenings wfh (rather then with him).
He has adjusted to the change and it has given me a boost.
This announcement must be coming as a bit of a shock to your DH, especially if you were reasonably happy before lockdown.
Keep working on your plans, prioritising each activity and communicating with your DH but don’t be surprised if he’s resistant at first. This has come out of the blue to him.

champagneandfromage50 · 13/04/2020 12:28

agree with AnyFucker never understand why any woman would want to live like a maid or be in a marriage where one half is having a great life, working, going out and having hobbies and the other staying at home, doing all the childcare and all the housekeeping.

You can have a good family life with two working parents. I have always worked and have a pension and if he buggers off at any point I remain financially secure. We both have a social life and have a good life.

Your responsible for your own happiness OP, take charge of your life , you dont need your DH permission

TiredofSM · 13/04/2020 12:29

*wasn’t particularly pleased

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6