I preface this message by saying that i understand lots of you will be desperate to see your parents in person and to have your dc’s see their grandparents. I’ve always had a very difficult relationship with my mum and she is a deeply unusual person.
My mother is currently staying with us in lockdown. She arrived back from her world travels in March just before lockdown started. I have a 12 week ds, a very sick cat and a stay at home Dh. We have space for her because she helped us buy our home. She recently sold a large family home and has a small studio flat in london. She cane planning to stay a week or two and then move to her empty studio flat.
When lockdown came we had about 24h to decide what to do. She didn’t really seem to understand how serious it was, discussing how she was sorry she had not stayed in a warm country she had just left and talking about buying a larger flat in London. She kept going to the shops etc. I had to read the riot act about the safety of my son and stay at home etc etc- she is 73. But I decided on balance, that it was best to have her here, as we have a garden and I can keep an eye on her vs a small stuffy flat where she didn’t know anyone locally.
A month in, she is driving us crazy. She has always been a very difficult person- she doesn’t really hear instructions or absorb ideas and you cannot have a rational conversation with her. My normally incredibly mellow and forgiving husband is irate a lot of the time because she is unbearable. It’s so hard to explain her particular brand of toxicity but here are a few examples of the kind of thing she does. She is essentially benign but also awful. She has always felt the normal rules of life eg tax, law etc do not apply to her and has a history of emotional neglect of both myself and my sibling.
- The baby- she loves ds and spending time with him. But she cannot read him at all. If his is anything less than perfectly happy, she doesn’t check his nappy or bring him to me to feed- she will whack him in the back for ‘wind’ or poke a dummy at him, both of which upset him even more , so he has to be whisked away and soothed.
- She says the most ridiculous things rather than atually helping. So I will be trying to do a little gardening with baby in bouncy seat and instead of putting soil in pots or whatever she will stare at me working and then say, ‘ Angliski you know there is a tool called a rake, r-a-k-e. You can use it to gather weeds.’ She says this like it is a massive epiphany and then goes back in.
- She spends hours cooking, taking over my kitchen, yelling for ingredients that are in front of her rather than looking for them or She just ‘pops out’, with diabetes and cataracts, to the shops to get something we already have plenty of. We now have six bottles of sesame oil- which she tells me daily, is great on pak Choi. I keep telling her there’s is a pandemic stop doing this cook with what we have...’ but to no affect.
I’ve gently asked if she might consider moving to her flat - she tells me she is negotiating with friends to move in with her there - it’s a tiny studio- we are in lockdown!!! She tells me she can’t move because she ‘ doesn’t have crockery’ and needs someone to live with. We have all her stuff in the loft from her previous house.
She is extremely hard work and it’s like having a really naughty manipulative toddler with you. I’m trying to save my business, nurture my first born, take care of home and cat and all and she is an extra, massive burden.
Anyway we are at end of ourtether and I am afraid for impact on my marriage. My husband can no longer stand her and gets cross at the slightest thing she says or does. I feel terrible and torn between desperately wanting her out of my space as she is triggering and misery inducing- and worrying about her safety and feeling guilty for wanting her gone.
Aibu to ask her to move to her flat and leave us in peace? How do I get her to go? We would obviously move her and her stuff and respect distancing when we did.
Help me.