DH pissing me off with lack of respect

[Drogonssmile]

I really don't know if I'm BU here or maybe I'm just fed up of DH and his totally opposing views to me. I spent all morning ironing, made a roast dinner (which mike said thank you for) and went upstairs to settle DS2 (3) afterwards because he said he wanted a rest. Came down to find DH and DS1 (6) nowhere to be seen.

DS1 has got a new bike so thought they might have gone for a short bike ride (although they already went this morning). I decided I'd finish the ironing but DS2 didn't want to rest and preferred to be a typical pain in the arse 3 year old.

Over an hour later I was getting fed up and tried phoning DH. He hasn't taken his phone. He finally came back about an hour and twenty minutes later really pleased with himself that he'd been on a really long bike ride.

He couldn't understand why I was pissed off that he had gone out without taking his phone (what if they'd had an accident
or I needed to get hold of him), letting me know where he had gone (just out of courtesy), stayed out for so long, or that he'd already been out today.

I might be being unreasonable but I just feel like he doesn't give a shit about how I feel. I do have anxiety and he does have form for pissing off out with no mention of where he is going or taking his phone.

When I was very very heavily pregnant he buggered off for two hours chatting to the neighbour but I had no idea where he was and he didn't have his phone and he thought this was acceptable.

AIBU or being a needy, anxiety ridden nag?

*nobody said thank you for. Dunno who mike is?!

YABU

Erm... cabin fever is getting to you. Take a bit of you time.

I think you’re being a bit needy.

I dunno. You sound a bit OTT to me. Don’t get me wrong it sounds irritating if he’s constantly disappearing but, he’s a grown man and your taking a couple of hours.

Was he meant to beg at bended knee to be allowed out for a bike ride with his son?

I just sounds like he took the opportunity to get the eldest out the house as the youngest was going to sleep.

When I was very very heavily pregnant he buggered off for two hours chatting to the neighbour but I had no idea where he was and he didn't have his phone and he thought this was acceptable.

It might just be me, but I see nothing wrong with this.

Ironing is unnecessary. YABU

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It takes 2 seconds to send a text to say "gone for a bike ride see you in a couple of hours".
I think it's just common decency to inform your spouse if you are gonna disappear for a few hours.

I'd be pissed off too op. Doesn't take a second to let you know where he's going and pick up his phone on his way out. It's disrespectful not to and shows that he doesn't care about your feelings. He must have known you'd be worried and stressed when you couldn't get hold of him, but he clearly didn't care. He's an asshole.

Ironing?

What and for whom?

It is a bit rude to disappear without saying anything and to just assume that you have nothing to do but stay home and look after the children so yes, I can see why that's annoying. I wouldn't spend all morning ironing or cooking either if he did that. I'd wait until he came back so he can do his half of the chores.

I wouldn't be bothered about him not taking his phone though or going off to talk to the neighbours. I like being able to go out or to talk to others without dh wanting to be in constant contact with me.

Fair enough, thank you for the replies. I'm prepared to admit IABU if I do indeed sound OTT. I did suspect as much and, yes, the lockdown is getting to me!

Thanks to those too who agree that it's rude to bugger off without a word (I think that's what annoys me, and I do think it's an unusual stance from what I've seen on similar threads on MN, it just seems like basic manners to me?).

I think you are being a little U - he took DS6 out for a bike ride. Didnt take his phone so not one of those dads who spend every minute checking it - nice to hear!
He probably thought if DS3 had gone for a rest he would give you a bit of peace and quiet by taking older DS out

Ironing work uniform. NHS worker.

Also kids t shirts; they're in school and nursery as both parents are key workers.

Yeah I wouldn't vanish without saying where/ how long roughly and DH wouldn't either

I'd be really pleased if my DH took one of the children out. It's so much easier with one! But that demonstrates the issues in my relationship....

I get you OP. There's no harm in saying 'just nipping out for a bike ride with son.' It's basic respect if living together.
The neighbours thing is a non issue though as surely you only had to look outside and he was still around while you were pregnant anyway. Conversations can just start organically or off the cuff so you can hardly let someone know.
If you just went out for a couple of hours without saying a word would he mind?

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring
You're right he did say that he was getting DS out the house.

I think this is where I struggle to get past my anxiety and the what if something happened mentality.

He certainly doesn't check his phone much which you're right, is a good thing!!

Time to have a word with myself and stop overthinking stuff!!

It's not ok to disappear for over an hour without saying a word.

He sounds like he doesn’t think much. Has he always been this thoughtless?

If it were me I’d have mentioned where I was headed and taken my phone. I’d see that as being common sense.

However the pressure is getting to all of us so I can believe he may just have been a bit stressed? Don’t go mental at him for being a fanny, just mention to let you know next time. Or you just take a dc and fuck off out tomorrow for an hour and a half and see if he worries/cares/notices?

My dh tells me if hes going to post a letter on the corner 2 minutes away. yanbu

The neighbours thing is a non issue though as surely you only had to look outside and he was still around while you were pregnant anyway. Conversations can just start organically or off the cuff so you can hardly let someone know.
If you just went out for a couple of hours without saying a word would he mind?

He went into the neighbours house, I'd not seen him leave our house so had no idea where he was. It's the non thought about me that pee's me off.

I went shopping one Saturday morning. He knew, and when I took longer than 90 mins he phoned to ask where I was. He was getting fed up of the kids.....

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, actually. I'd feel totally the same - I can be anxious too and I'd feel horrible if I didn't know where my DP or, more importantly, one of my kids were. No one is suggesting he is being out of order for taking his son for a bike ride but it's no trouble for him to a) leave a note or b) send a text or c) take his phone.

I'd be quite upset/cross/hurt if I were you. But maybe that says more about the type of people we are!!

Yeah he is quite thoughtless and a bit self absorbed. 90% of the time he fannies around with DIY shit just to avoid looking out for the kids so I get to be the default parent usually. Normally we'll have a talk and sort it out. I've not gone mad at him just left him downstairs with the kids and said I needed to do something upstairs (MN!)

I am glad that some of you see where I'm coming from and also appreciate I can be OTT too

Work on Tuesday so at least we will have some time apart.