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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH pissing me off with lack of respect

112 replies

Drogonssmile · 12/04/2020 16:20

I really don't know if I'm BU here or maybe I'm just fed up of DH and his totally opposing views to me. I spent all morning ironing, made a roast dinner (which mike said thank you for) and went upstairs to settle DS2 (3) afterwards because he said he wanted a rest. Came down to find DH and DS1 (6) nowhere to be seen.

DS1 has got a new bike so thought they might have gone for a short bike ride (although they already went this morning). I decided I'd finish the ironing but DS2 didn't want to rest and preferred to be a typical pain in the arse 3 year old.

Over an hour later I was getting fed up and tried phoning DH. He hasn't taken his phone. He finally came back about an hour and twenty minutes later really pleased with himself that he'd been on a really long bike ride.

He couldn't understand why I was pissed off that he had gone out without taking his phone (what if they'd had an accident
or I needed to get hold of him), letting me know where he had gone (just out of courtesy), stayed out for so long, or that he'd already been out today.

I might be being unreasonable but I just feel like he doesn't give a shit about how I feel. I do have anxiety and he does have form for pissing off out with no mention of where he is going or taking his phone.

When I was very very heavily pregnant he buggered off for two hours chatting to the neighbour but I had no idea where he was and he didn't have his phone and he thought this was acceptable.

AIBU or being a needy, anxiety ridden nag?

OP posts:
Original poster
Drogonssmile · 12/04/2020 16:55

@clevername thank you! I've no issue with him going out with DS1 and love the idea actually but I'd personally take my phone. He said he didn't want to in case it got broken Hmmfine. But he could have shouted up the stairs/texted beforehand that he was just going out at least!

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 12/04/2020 16:55

If he had called upstairs he was taking DS1 for a bike ride would DS2 have jumped up and wanted to go as well?

Really if DH and DS1 were missing when you got downstairs you must have realised he had taken him out for a bit.
And yes if DS2 was having a nap and he had DS1 with him it would have been a nice time for you to put your feet up, so he was being helpful as opposed to being lazy and leaving you to do everything.

Howfar12 · 12/04/2020 16:57

YABU - he was doing something with your DS

categoricallycrackers · 12/04/2020 16:58

I went shopping one Saturday morning. He knew, and when I took longer than 90 mins he phoned to ask where I was. He was getting fed up of the kids.....*

Next time don't take your phone. I would say it's rude of him to just take off without letting you know, but to me it's not the worst offence, You might be getting a touch of cabin fever and 90 minutes out of the house for a bit of exercise would do you wonders if so.

Original poster
Drogonssmile · 12/04/2020 16:58

@sweeneytoddsrazor and therein lies my dilemma! He was doing a nice thing and I should appreciate that. I just wish, because of my own hang ups, which is he aware of, that he'd let me know. Maybe a bit controlling? I guess so but that's the way I am and have been most of my life (attachment issues thanks to parents according to psychotherapist!)

Thanks for all the reasonable views. As I expected it's a bit of both and I need to chill the fuck out a bit too!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2020 16:59

There's a reason you have anxiety, and I suspect he's a large part of that reason Sad.

QuestionMarkNow · 12/04/2020 17:04

YANBU @Drogonssmile
Letting people know where you are going is just plain politeness.
Not doing so when you know that the person waitinng at home is anxious and would wonder what is going on is crap and shows no respect at all for the person.

Many people on MN will tell you you are wrong, a snowflake etc... because the general idea is that you should be a completely separate person from your partner and expect NOTHING from them.
I suspect these are people who have issue showing respect and care for their own partners.

As for the 'should have known' gang... yes of course you can GUESS. This doesnt man its ok for the person to just bugger of like this wo a word. Just at the moment, it is unlikely that the OP had wanted to go anywhere. But what if SHE had wanted to take her dc for a bike ride? What if she had needed help with something? What about in 'normal times' and she needed to go somewhere? What about if the OP needed a break from doing all the hard work with the dcs and he needed to step in instead of going on a jolly doing what HE wanted wo care for his partner needs and wants???

BumbleBeee69 · 12/04/2020 17:05

So we're in lock down... he's already been out today.. and he's gone out again on his bike.. and can't even let you know... he's a PRICK.. a selfish PRICK...

Thank you for your contribution OP... Flowers

once again.. YANBU and he's a PRICK

Travis1 · 12/04/2020 17:06

I’d expect my husband to tell me if he was going out and vice versa. Surely that’s just common curtesy?

QuestionMarkNow · 12/04/2020 17:07

I personaly have a major issue with 'he was foing something nice' answer.

Because lets be hinest, was he doing something nice for his ds ir was he doing something for himself? A reason to getout of the house and so something he enjoyed rather than eb stuck on?

Why is it ok for him to be out TWICE in the day?

And why is that, as soon as a man does something with their child, they are treated like a heroe that can do no wrong? Spending time with your child is NORMAL. Doing so at the detriment of your partner or wo a thought for them isnt. (He could have stepped in and put the 3y to bed or done the ironng instead whilst the OP, who hadnt been out, was going for a bike ride Shock)

wineandroses1 · 12/04/2020 17:10

I don’t get the posters who think this is ok. You don’t bugger off with one of the kids and not say you’re going out! And those saying “put your feet up” etc, you had no idea where He and child were or when they would be back! Who would put their bloody feet up? Most people would think “where the hell are they?”

Your DH is either a thick, inconsiderate twat or a controlling twat who thinks he doesn’t have to tell you anything.

CaptainCabinets · 12/04/2020 17:12

Child, husband and bike are missing, I wonder where they could be Hmm

vanillandhoney · 12/04/2020 17:12

YANBU at all.

It's not okay to just bugger off for hours without having the decency to let your partner know where you've gone.

It's just common courtesy. We don't have DC but I would absolutely expect DH to let me know he was popping out for a while.

Tsubasa1 · 12/04/2020 17:14

I think its unacceptable behaviour on his part. I bet he would be well annoyed if you just left him with the 3 yr old and didnt tell him where u were going and came back 2 hrs later...

lowlandLucky · 12/04/2020 17:14

Bloodyhell, what would you have done in the days without mobiles ? I think you need to chill. I would have been more annoyed that he hadn't finished the ironing.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/04/2020 17:15

Child, husband and bike are missing, I wonder where they could be

During a LOCKDOWN ??? when they had already been out FFS

Original poster
Drogonssmile · 12/04/2020 17:17

Thank you recent posters. You are echoing a lot of my thoughts. I was surprised no one earlier picked up on the fact that yes, he did go out twice today for a bike ride and it is for his own benefit as much as (if not more than) DS. Despite me working in a hospital with over 300 COVID cases Angry

He doesn't think of what I might need to do or where I might need to go and this is my issue and has been for 10 years. It's like, HE deems there to be no reason why I should want to do anything or go out so I shouldn't need to and therefore should wait at home for him politely and quietly. I see a lot of his father in him unfortunately.

OP posts:
MamaBearLockdown · 12/04/2020 17:18

What sort of people leaves the house without telling others that they are going, and usually where they are gone? Confused

That's just weird.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 12/04/2020 17:21

I think you can take it easy and not iron kids t-shirts for nursery.

Eggcited · 12/04/2020 17:21

this is my issue and has been for 10 years. It's like, HE deems there to be no reason why I should want to do anything or go out so I shouldn't need to and therefore should wait at home for him politely and quietly. I see a lot of his father in him unfortunately.

This sounds like a much bigger problem than him going out without a phone. If it's been 10 years then his behaviour is unlikely to change any time soon. If it makes your anxiety worse then perhaps you need to reconsider the relationship.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 12/04/2020 17:22

And as your heavily pregnant and he has energy to burn it would be a kind gesture of him to iron your work stuff and bring you a cuppa.

nocoolnamesleft · 12/04/2020 17:25

What happened to one exercise period per day?

pudcat · 12/04/2020 17:26

Gosh we always tell each other when we are going out and where. It is common courtesy

BumbleBeee69 · 12/04/2020 17:28

And as your heavily pregnant and he has energy to burn it would be a kind gesture of him to iron your work stuff and bring you a cuppa.

I think OP was referring to when she was previously pregnant... Flowers

Leflic · 12/04/2020 17:30

I agree he should let you know he’s going out and especially if he’s taking one of the children. Not only good manners but common sense.What indeed if they didn’t come home.

You lost me at the phone. You shouldn't rely on phones for a plan, they run out, get dropped, lose signal. I think they perpetuate the anxiety.
He should tell you where he’s going, plus have a contingency hour or so before you need worry. Let’s face it if the worse happened they would either find a phone or their would be zero you could do anyway,.

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