DH pissing me off with lack of respect

[Drogonssmile]

I really don't know if I'm BU here or maybe I'm just fed up of DH and his totally opposing views to me. I spent all morning ironing, made a roast dinner (which mike said thank you for) and went upstairs to settle DS2 (3) afterwards because he said he wanted a rest. Came down to find DH and DS1 (6) nowhere to be seen.

DS1 has got a new bike so thought they might have gone for a short bike ride (although they already went this morning). I decided I'd finish the ironing but DS2 didn't want to rest and preferred to be a typical pain in the arse 3 year old.

Over an hour later I was getting fed up and tried phoning DH. He hasn't taken his phone. He finally came back about an hour and twenty minutes later really pleased with himself that he'd been on a really long bike ride.

He couldn't understand why I was pissed off that he had gone out without taking his phone (what if they'd had an accident
or I needed to get hold of him), letting me know where he had gone (just out of courtesy), stayed out for so long, or that he'd already been out today.

I might be being unreasonable but I just feel like he doesn't give a shit about how I feel. I do have anxiety and he does have form for pissing off out with no mention of where he is going or taking his phone.

When I was very very heavily pregnant he buggered off for two hours chatting to the neighbour but I had no idea where he was and he didn't have his phone and he thought this was acceptable.

AIBU or being a needy, anxiety ridden nag?

Yanbu.

He could have waited until you settled the 3 yo, whispered it quickly to inform you, or left a note. It really is common courtesy. Bad form not to at least have his phone with him considering how long he was out. If something were to happen, how would he inform you or how would you inform him if something happened at home or you were called in to the hospital?

Plus, he thinks the current rules don’t apply to him since he was out twice and gone for longer than an hour.

Yeah I can see how it sounds about harbouring resentment from 7 years ago, it's not like I bring it up on a daily basis, it's just an example of a time he went off without a word and more importantly, without a thought for me, when I was vulnerable, due to give birth any day and I had no idea where he was for two hours. Just an example of him being thoughtless.
Like I said I don't mention it. I've not even thought about it for months until today!

" he thinks the current rules don’t apply to him since he was out twice and gone for longer than an hour."

Is that no longer allowed then?

1. it’s common courtesy to inform your partner before you leave the house
2. yes, he shouldn’t have gone out twice in the same day

YANBU

Oh for fucksake, can we all just take a second to engage our brains? This isn’t a question of manners/courtesy/politeness/respect.

What if OP decided to behave in exactly the same way as this pillock (which some PPs have decided is acceptable behaviour after all)? She just takes a notion to bugger off without a word and off she goes. 15 minutes later, twat features decides that he is going to bugger off without a word. Why should he mention anything? It’s someone else’s job to look after his home and children after all, he just helps sometimes.

So now we have 3 and 6 year old children home alone, both parents merrily doing whatever the fuck they like without reference to each other or their joint responsibilities for their joint children.

If it wouldn’t be on for OP to behave this way then it’s not ok for her DH to behave this way.

@Drogonssmile, you reaction including remembering what he has dne 7 yers ago is normal.
Thats what happens when someone does the same thing again and again and is hurting you again and again, espite the fact you have made clear said behaviour is unacceptable.
It could be about leaving wo saying a word like your dh does. Or any other 'small' thing that shows total disrespect. Those things stick because they are all part of the same pattern.

The question for you is why are you still accepting that? Talking by experience there - not judging - but you wont get a different result by doing the same thing. And clearly telling him/having a go isnt working.

YANBU - it's common courtesy to let the person you're living with know you're going out. Especially if you might be a while and/or are not taking any method of communication with you. Plus he's flouting the lockdown rules, which most people on here are absolutely crucified for even suggesting doing.

OP, in the scheme of things, this really is not worth getting stressed about.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable whatsoever.. just a quick heads up and youdhave been much more at ease..

@diddl

Says on the UK government website

People must stay at home as much as possible to reduce the spread of the virus. But you can also still go outside once a day for a walk, run, cycle. When doing this you must minimise the time you are out of your home and stay at least two metres away from anyone else that isn’t from your household.

Yanbu, it's basic politeness to let your other half know you're on the way out. If he does things like this a lot I don't blame you for being annoyed by it. And the faffing on diy to avoid childcare - my partner does that too. Not even useful diy, just random shit he decides to do for hours, leaving me in charge of dd. It's just selfish behaviour.

Is it not common courtesy to tell the other adult in the house that you’re going out and expect to be back soon? Just a yelled ‘popping out for milk’ or whatever?

I'm not in a serious relationship (in the same house), I feel people put up with an AWFUL lot. You're being told you are BU here but actually, if you live together, and he does this on a regular basis, but you do not have the sense of freedom to do the same then I would see an inbalance here.

Can you disappear for two or three hours? I agree that it's a courtesy to say ''I'm going out for a bike ride but I'm leaving my phone here''. When you live with somebody, to disappear without your phone is thoughtless. I'm not even a tiny bit needy, more avoidant than needy but I would have the cop on to realise that you can ''buy'' space by announcing first that you're going to take it. That way, you get your space but without causing somebody else worry!

To be honest OP, I cant believe you even remember this occasion when he was talking to the neighbour for two hours and you didn’t know where he was . This is a total non-issue surely? Have you never just bumped into a neighbour or someone out and about and got chatting and lost track of time?

Does he have any hobbies or is he allowed to go out at all?

I don’t mean to be rude, but loads of people have DH’s who work irregular hours or travel a overseas a lot and it’s impossible to keep tabs.

Also, there is no law that says you have to cook a roast etc. If you do it, then do it, but don’t make a martyr of yourself. Same with ironing. Do you not have a tumblr drier for the school stuff - leave it hung to dry, quick whizz for 5 mins and that’s it. No need to make an afternoon out of ironing, surely?

Yes he could have shouted he was going out, but maybe he thought you were in your zone and wouldn’t be interested. Maybe he could feel resentment / martyrdom / neediness / anxiety vibes coming off you so just took himself and your DS out of the way?

I don’t mean to sound critical, but be kind to yourself and give him the benefit of the doubt as well. Don’t be all needy - just tell him to give you the heads up if he does similar in future. That’s it really.

@Cosima1

He regularly works away over 2-3 nights a week.

No we don't have a tumble drier. He doesn't want us to get one because they use too much electricity. HTH.

Thank you @HillAreas and @QuestionMarkNow I think you understand where I am coming from.

He’s a dick. If you live with someone and you’re going out it’s polite to tell them. Even when I lived with my friends when we were younger we would always let the others know if they were in. It’s just a nice way of looking out for each other I guess. If my husband was like OPs it would piss me off because I think it’s very rude and shows a huge lack of respect.

He went into the neighbours house, I'd not seen him leave our house so had no idea where he was. It's the non thought about me that pee's me off.

I went shopping one Saturday morning. He knew, and when I took longer than 90 mins he phoned to ask where I was. He was getting fed up of the kids.....

For those questioning why OP recalls him yabbering to a neighbour for 2 hours is because when She went shopping for 90 minutes HE phoned demanding to know where She was.. it's the differing standards in his behaviour ... So.. he's a Hypocrite AND a Prick...

I think when you live with family you tell them where you are going when you leave the house. It's just polite. Also if he has your child with him it's fair enough to expect home to tell you where he is going or take a phone.

That would be odd in my life. Only takes seconds to say you're popping out. YANBU

Some people cant do right for doing wrong. If he had shouted upstairs he could have woken a sleeping 3yo.

He took his child out for a bike ride, which you really knew because your son had a new bike and you could have looked and seen it was gone.

It was 80 minutes, perfectly normal for a bike ride in this weather, and who would take a phone when riding for fun. So you are definitely being unreasonable.

but so is he for taking 2 outside exercise times.

• Some people cant do right for doing wrong. If he had shouted upstairs he could have woken a sleeping 3yo.

He took his child out for a bike ride, which you really knew because your son had a new bike and you could have looked and seen it was gone.

It was 80 minutes, perfectly normal for a bike ride in this weather, and who would take a phone when riding for fun. So you are definitely being unreasonable.

but so is he for taking 2 outside exercise times.*

During a nationwide pandemic where people are being told to only go out once a day and to limit the time they’re out. Unless they live rurally or the outskirts of town with very few people about they should have stayed inside after going out earlier.

Also, he could have left a note. OP shouldn’t have to look all over their property to figure out where her husband went with their child.

Yanbu. We don't leave the house without letting each other know, and we don't even have kids! It's just common courtesy.

@BringMeSunshineInMyLife exact thought..

OP please communicate with him. Use words. Not passive aggressive. Not emotional. Just simple factual statements. E.g. "I really could have done with a break from 3yo, you had already been out in the morning, I would have liked to be the one to go with 6yo on bike ride, in future can we please make more effort to discuss who does what, thank you"

Done

OP shouldn’t have to look all over their property to figure out where her husband went with their child.

No looking all over the house, OP said her first thought was that he had went for a bike ride, it was obvious. Some people obviously think its important to know where their partner is 100% of the time. I dont, especially when it was obvious I had went for a cycle.