DH pissing me off with lack of respect

[Drogonssmile]

I really don't know if I'm BU here or maybe I'm just fed up of DH and his totally opposing views to me. I spent all morning ironing, made a roast dinner (which mike said thank you for) and went upstairs to settle DS2 (3) afterwards because he said he wanted a rest. Came down to find DH and DS1 (6) nowhere to be seen.

DS1 has got a new bike so thought they might have gone for a short bike ride (although they already went this morning). I decided I'd finish the ironing but DS2 didn't want to rest and preferred to be a typical pain in the arse 3 year old.

Over an hour later I was getting fed up and tried phoning DH. He hasn't taken his phone. He finally came back about an hour and twenty minutes later really pleased with himself that he'd been on a really long bike ride.

He couldn't understand why I was pissed off that he had gone out without taking his phone (what if they'd had an accident
or I needed to get hold of him), letting me know where he had gone (just out of courtesy), stayed out for so long, or that he'd already been out today.

I might be being unreasonable but I just feel like he doesn't give a shit about how I feel. I do have anxiety and he does have form for pissing off out with no mention of where he is going or taking his phone.

When I was very very heavily pregnant he buggered off for two hours chatting to the neighbour but I had no idea where he was and he didn't have his phone and he thought this was acceptable.

AIBU or being a needy, anxiety ridden nag?

Stop doing everything.

Let them eat bread or toast.

Don’t iron.

Sit down and do fuck all.

You are not being unreasonable at all OP. Its just common courtesy to let you know he is going out and where to. I think it shows he doesn't care about your feelings and mist think you're not worth telling.
I am childish so would also do a disappearing act with or without a child in tow and not take my phone for a good couple of hours and let him know what it feel like.

YANBU. If you share a home with someone, it’s common courtesy to announce it when you are going to go out for a while.

When you share parenting responsibilities, and are leaving someone else with those responsibilities with no thought to what they want to do, it’s really rude and disrespectful to just head out without a word.

I think it’s extremely odd that he went out, with ds and didn’t let you know. That’s a basic courtesy.

I swear I read a thread the other day where someone asked if they were unreasonable to go out without informing their DP and they were told yes, absolutely YABVU.

Now apparently it is unreasonable to inform your DP when you go out.

I feel like I understand why some posters rush to be the first comment, it does tend to set the tone...

He sounds like he only wants to do the fun stuff and leaves you to do all the grunt work. That would piss me off.

Thanks all. Yes to a pp it was a previous pregnancy 7 years ago. It is a long standing problem but not one that warrants a ltb. We do talk about this and he does get better but then "forgets" and things go backwards.

Re. Ironing the kids t shirts, they'd been stored in vacuum bags over winter and now fit younger DS but looked like they'd been chewed so needed a quick squash with the iron.

Rude and thoughtless to leave the house without telling.

He does very little around the house too.

Avoids parenting his children by faffing around messing with DIY.

He reads to me as a right selfish prick OP.

I think you see him VERY clearly.

I bet living with such a selfish prick is why you suffer with anxiety.

I hope your contraception is sorted.

How about you up tools and go for a long walk and not answer your phone and let him see how it feels.

Personally I can't imagine putting up with such selfishness...

Mind yours OP

#down tools🙄😂

Oh all bow down to the wonderful bloke who took his son out for a bike ride for an hour.

Big fucking whoop!

It would have taken second to pop upstairs & let Op know or just leave a note.

It's rude to piss off with no word to anyone.

I don't think that not taking his phone is an issue though.

* When I was very very heavily pregnant he buggered off for two hours chatting to the neighbour but I had no idea where he was and he didn't have his phone and he thought this was acceptable. *

You had me until this.

You are still harbouring resentment about a fairly innocuous event. How long ago?

And seriously, remembering he disappeared for two hours 7 years ago is also OTT.

Maybe you could consider some therapy to help your anxiety?

Years ago!!

On the basis of you holding a grudge for * When I was very very heavily pregnant he buggered off for two hours chatting to the neighbour but I had no idea where he was and he didn't have his phone and he thought this was acceptable. * for many years leads me to believe you are most definitely a fundamentally unreasonable person!

You are completely and utterly NOT being unreasonable. He's not some flat mate - he's your partner and of course he should have the basic decency to tell you if he is going out. It is massively disrespectful not to. And all the more so if he knows you have anxiety.
Can't understand at all the posters thinking that expecting this common respect is 'needy'. 'Needy' is expecting your partner never to go out as you can't bear being alone - not expecting them to tell you that they are going out so that you know what is going on!

I’d be over the moon my other half took the child out, mine won’t take them anywhere!

I think YANBU this time. Its very rude and weird to not say "I'm taking ds out for a bike ride, see you later."
Surely any normal person does that.

Yabvu to still be thinking about the neighbour thing

What sort of people leaves the house without telling others that they are going, and usually where they are gone?

Apparently there are a few on this thread. Who have a small level of contempt and arrogance that they just fuck off out when they please with no word of it.

Vent away OP. Unfortunately these types don't change.

@Bringringbring12, i remember things H has done years ago. Thats because they were particularly hurtful to me, usually the last straw that broke the camel back so on paper, they dont look like big issues. But they were deeply hurtful to me. And I havent forgotten.

it doesnt mean I am holding a grudge. It means that it has made me much more careful with some stuff. Things where H has been uncaring, unrespectful and I am refusing to do with him now, for my own sake.

@QuestionMarkNow

Agreed.

This incident.... 7 years ago, her DH talking to a neighbour for a couple of hours. The OP pregnant and not knowing this is what he was doing.

You really think that is something you would harbour resentment about? Or indeed anyone. Her DH is obviously an incredibly thoughtful considerate amazing husband if this is what the OP refers to as the other time he hurt and was inconsiderate. 7 years ago!

Or indeed anyone reasonable?

"I’d be over the moon my other half took the child out, mine won’t take them anywhere!"

So Op should be OK with her partner being rude enough to just disappear because your child's father is even worse than hers?

He should have told you he was going.

Yabu 100%

You are not being needy . God sake at how low some peoples bars are.

Manners need to be introduced and courtesy needs to be explained.

I don't think you are, oldest trick in the book going out for a jolly in the sunshine while you keep the cogs turning back home. If I had the choice I'd rather go out and have a leisurely afternoon if I knew everything would be done for me when I returned. Sometimes it's ok, my husband can hang around the park for hours but I get really, really bored. Don't bother with the ironing it's a waste of time!