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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think we need to stop celebrating unhealthy levels of busyness

111 replies

MistyMoors20 · 12/04/2020 14:24

Everywhere I look I see people constantly posting about the stresses and strains of everyday life and how busy we all are, usually followed by some generic comment about the importance of self-care and a frothy instruction to take "even just 15 minutes a day out of our busy schedules" to practice self-love/read a book/meditate/lock ourselves in the loo away from family members.

Whilst I don't disagree with the idea of prioritising self-care (quite the opposite), I can't be the only person who thinks that, actually, most people do manage to catch some downtime most days and that the unintended effect of all this hyper-busyness is to make those of us who manage to find more than the abysmal-yet-oft-repeated-"magical 15 minutes" feel lazy and undeserving of a break?

I work full-time in a demanding job and tend to put in about 1-2 hours of overtime each day. I come home, make dinner, tidy, do a bit of life-admin etc and usually I can still manage to squeeze in a couple of hours of downtime most evenings. If I'm tired it's generally just a bit of reading or tv so we're not talking anything life-changing, but at the weekend it's much more and I regularly book the odd long-weekender off work to go away, take my parents out for lunch or potter about at home. Sure, some weeks feel busier than others but a couple of hours each night to decompress is pretty achievable most days and I don't think it's particularly unusual for most people, with the exception of friends of mine who are still going through the newborn baby stage or have more than one very young child.

I don't think it's healthy to see downtime as some kind of luxury or indulgence only afforded to the idle or those whose lives aren't full enough. Surely taking a healthy amount of time for yourself most days is crucial to survival and to our ability to cope with the more challenging aspects of our lives, whether that be a demanding career, caring for dependants or otherwise. I certainly know that were I unable to take that time to decompress each evening I would be less able to fully commit myself to my work during the day, but my job is not my life and my work phone gets switched off when I leave the office.

The trend for posting these "busy busy busy" type of posts seems to be on the rise and I can't help but think that rather than giving readers permission to take some real, meaningful time for themselves and their families, they actually have the opposite effect of glorifying unmaintainable levels of activity and normalising this perception that women must be constantly run ragged or risk the accusation that they aren't living their fullest life or maximising their potential.

Interested to hear how others interpret these sorts of posts about self-care. Are we really all that busy? Are all women simply hurling ourselves from one full-throttle activity to another one in some kind of perpetual frenzy? Or actually do most of us have more balance in our lives?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 13/04/2020 16:56

And some people place a higher value on themselves than to work 'over and above' for no extra money and most likely no extra appreciation
I agree, but organisational culture is complex and it's all too easy to feel you have to compromise.

I left a school because the most dedicated members of staff were deemed to be the promotion hungry NQT/NQT+1 staff who were all too happy to compete and work, work, work. It didn't seem to matter much that there were lots of dedicated staff who got great results, worked a reasonable working day and were happy to do extras for the students. We had to deal with complaints about how "Mr Blogs marked his mock papers within 24 hours so why is DC waiting on your subject?" "Miss Smith replies when DC asks for help with homework but you didn't do they won't be doing a detention" (apparently staff should be on call 24/7 and should be ready to reply late the day before homework is due).

CruCru · 13/04/2020 16:58

I remember a while ago someone else on here saying that what was really irritating was the extremely busy child, whose parents boast about their busyness.

It isn't word for word but along the lines of "My Jimmy would love to to XYZ with your Johnny but it HAS to be this Thursday as Jimmy is a very busy boy! Oh, Johnny goes to orchestra on Thursdays, you say? Can he not miss it just this once? Oh no, no, Jimmy can't possibly do it on Friday as he has ice climbing and llama racing on Fridays" ... followed by a day by day list of all of Jimmy's activities in the week.

I know a few people whose children each seem to do two activities every evening. It's always quite awkward when they ask (in front of your child) if your child would like to do XYZ activity as well because saying that you can't possibly fit any more activities in without going insane isn't really something they consider.

VegetableMunge · 13/04/2020 17:05

That sounds absolutely dreadful re the aid projects gingerscallop. What sort of things are they trying to get them to do?

cologne4711 · 13/04/2020 17:08

I always get fed up with the "busy mum" thing. Not every mum is busy! I am not busy. I work part-time, I have one child, I do minimal housework because I am not very fussy and DH does some of it and I have plenty of time to indulge in hobbies and waste time on MN.

I did my tax return this morning. I wonder if I am the first person in the country to do their 2019-2020 tax return ;)

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2020 08:46

" I was just making the point that lots of people in both Uk and USA stay late at work to look keen and loyal when in other work cultures it would not be interpreted that way"

The extreme is the far east where people have their evening meal with their colleagues and hang around the office with their heads on their desks almost sleeping because you have to just be there.

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2020 08:48

"In my experience people who enjoy doing multiple things and who find personal peace and calm doing multiple things rarely discuss how busy they are."

Some people have to keep busy because they can't be alone with their thoughts. The busyness is hiding problems that should be dealt with.

TheSkyIsFallingIn123 · 14/04/2020 09:02

A lot of people are 'busy looking busy' and not really doing all that much, they just like it to seem that way.

Milicentbystander72 · 14/04/2020 09:05

I'm enjoying reading this thread. Thanks OP for verbalising some of what I'm feeling.

Personally, I'm secretly enjoying this lockdown in lots of ways.
I am normally 'busy' and yes, I have been known to complain about it (although I do often find time for downtime yes). I gave often longed to just have days on end when I'm not doing much.

I'm in a creative industry. I work from home and have done for over 25 years. I still have lots of work to complete. In fact, day to day 'business' has increased for me as suddenly all my clients have left their big london offices and are all working from home too, so they are in fact contacting me a lot more - video chats, phone calls, emails etc. It feels busier.

Putting that aside - I have felt a lot of 'creative' pressure fuelled by a lot of my peers and colleagues in my industry (children's books). Many of them gave filmed over 100 hours of book related videos - live readings, drawing and book related activities. I've have numerous requests asking me to 'upload my content' from colleagues and peers. I really don't want to. I want to just work away happily what I'm doing. I'm not Julia Donaldson! A friend who is (was) a school librarian said she found the sheer amount of online book content/activities overwhelming.

On top if that, I've had several people comment to me that I must be using my time to do extra EXTRA creative stuff - ie new stories, artwork, tv projects etc. No. I'd like to slowly get through the actual outstanding work and then relax, pause, enjoy my garden, think a bit.

It's a strange pressure. We don't all need to be creating Art, writing novels, learning a new language, instrument, skill. If we make through this lockdown with relatively ok mental health I think that's a win.

Whoever described it as 'competitive lockdown self improvement' nailed it.

LolaSmiles · 14/04/2020 09:30

Some people have to keep busy because they can't be alone with their thoughts. The busyness is hiding problems that should be dealt with
Yes, so they don't genuinely enjoy being busy. The busy-ness is masking other issues. I don't think anyone doubts that for some people being busy is a coping mechanism.

That doesn't change my point that people who genuinely thrive on being busy aren't the people making a huge deal about how busy they are at any opportunity.

mrsplum2015 · 14/04/2020 14:06

I wonder how old your dc are?

I crave the days when everyone was settled by 8 and I could switch off for two hours.

Totally different when you have tweens and teens.

Unfortunately now my days are full of work as I have increased my hours to cover costs of older children, I finish by 430'every day, sometimes 3 to pick up my primary school dd.

But life is non stop. Two school drop offs in the morning after getting everyone ready and then straight into work and nonstop jobs and lifts and talking, supervising, etc after work until at least 9pm when I am literally fit for nothing.

Weekends more of the same despite a lie in sometimes.

Newborn days were a breeze by comparison for finding opportunity to have time out to myself.

mizu · 14/04/2020 14:20

At heart I am a total lazy arse. I work hard at my job because I love it and believe in it, but refuse to let it take over my life. I have colleagues who'll bust a gut to post on social media at 5am that they're up and working and all I think is "what kind of person are you that you can't get all your work done in the allotted time?" Just enjoy time doing nothing - it's so good for the soul. The whole busyness competitive thing is a pressure cooker and nobody's MH needs that.

^ this exactly.

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