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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think we need to stop celebrating unhealthy levels of busyness

111 replies

MistyMoors20 · 12/04/2020 14:24

Everywhere I look I see people constantly posting about the stresses and strains of everyday life and how busy we all are, usually followed by some generic comment about the importance of self-care and a frothy instruction to take "even just 15 minutes a day out of our busy schedules" to practice self-love/read a book/meditate/lock ourselves in the loo away from family members.

Whilst I don't disagree with the idea of prioritising self-care (quite the opposite), I can't be the only person who thinks that, actually, most people do manage to catch some downtime most days and that the unintended effect of all this hyper-busyness is to make those of us who manage to find more than the abysmal-yet-oft-repeated-"magical 15 minutes" feel lazy and undeserving of a break?

I work full-time in a demanding job and tend to put in about 1-2 hours of overtime each day. I come home, make dinner, tidy, do a bit of life-admin etc and usually I can still manage to squeeze in a couple of hours of downtime most evenings. If I'm tired it's generally just a bit of reading or tv so we're not talking anything life-changing, but at the weekend it's much more and I regularly book the odd long-weekender off work to go away, take my parents out for lunch or potter about at home. Sure, some weeks feel busier than others but a couple of hours each night to decompress is pretty achievable most days and I don't think it's particularly unusual for most people, with the exception of friends of mine who are still going through the newborn baby stage or have more than one very young child.

I don't think it's healthy to see downtime as some kind of luxury or indulgence only afforded to the idle or those whose lives aren't full enough. Surely taking a healthy amount of time for yourself most days is crucial to survival and to our ability to cope with the more challenging aspects of our lives, whether that be a demanding career, caring for dependants or otherwise. I certainly know that were I unable to take that time to decompress each evening I would be less able to fully commit myself to my work during the day, but my job is not my life and my work phone gets switched off when I leave the office.

The trend for posting these "busy busy busy" type of posts seems to be on the rise and I can't help but think that rather than giving readers permission to take some real, meaningful time for themselves and their families, they actually have the opposite effect of glorifying unmaintainable levels of activity and normalising this perception that women must be constantly run ragged or risk the accusation that they aren't living their fullest life or maximising their potential.

Interested to hear how others interpret these sorts of posts about self-care. Are we really all that busy? Are all women simply hurling ourselves from one full-throttle activity to another one in some kind of perpetual frenzy? Or actually do most of us have more balance in our lives?

OP posts:
PerditaProvokesEnmity · 13/04/2020 07:58

I don't think it's just women though. In the occupational world that I'm semi-attached to, the only acceptable answer to "How are you?" is "Yeah, busy. Really busy." Anything else indicates abject career failure for man or woman.

I like roughly one busy day a fortnight. The rest of the time I like to be as un-busy as possible.

As for 'self -care' - doesn't it all come under the term 'marketing opportunity?

Windywuss · 13/04/2020 08:04

It's a bit like all this lockdown self improvement. All these people learning new stuff, posting their efforts online, I find it exhausting.

I have my own issues at the moment but I have spent a significant amount of time this weekend just sitting still. Watching the birds, lying down. It brings it home how much head clutter we have. I want to permanently unbusy.

Sleepingbunnies11 · 13/04/2020 08:06

You soud like you have amazing energy levels- i would to know your secret😊

StrangerDays · 13/04/2020 08:10

It's a bit like all this lockdown self improvement.

Couldn't agree more. It's like a competition who can do the best lockdown.

If you hadn't learned 3 languages, become a yoga expert, run a 10k and thought yourself how to cook Michelin star meals at home, you're an absolute failure!

Personally, the simpler my life is, the happier I am. No pressure to be anything, just appreciate what I do have.

I think a lot of people like being busy because then they don't have to stop and think whether they're actually fulfilled or not.

thewinkingprawn · 13/04/2020 08:11

I agree. I also think for kids too - many children I know are never not busy, constantly being ferried from one club to another, never any free or downtime. I think it’s mad. As a consequence they have no idea how to keep themselves occupied during lockdown except on a screen. I know that doesn’t apply to all children but it does to many.

HighNoon · 13/04/2020 08:12

One thing I've enjoyed from this lockdown is the injunction to do nothing. Sunny day? Stay in and play computer games. Bliss.

Sexnotgender · 13/04/2020 08:12

I saw a quote the other day along the lines of, this lockdown isn’t a productivity contest. Very apt.

MaeDanvers · 13/04/2020 08:22

I think it’s another thing that has come from America where working ridiculous hours is not just the norm but essential for financial survival for many people. By turning ‘productivity’ into almost a movement with its own ‘gurus’ the culture has found a way to idealise what is actually a really shit state of affairs - that many people can’t afford to stop for even a little bit. Then there is the idea that ‘self-improvement‘ and overworking is the key to success which is usually framed in financial trappings. It’s basically toxic capitalism.

MaeDanvers · 13/04/2020 08:28

Downtime is key for so many things - not just relaxation, but imagination, recharging, a chance to experience different parts of yourself - not just the surface task-oriented self that worries about work or chores. I don’t think it’s a luxury at al, it’s a necessity for a balanced life.

By the by it’s also interesting to see how so many people are relating differently with each other because they’re actually spending time around each other (or with themselves) that they never normally have. A lot of people are not enjoying that because being ultra busy all the time is distracting from deeper problems in many cases - interpersonally as well as noticing more system- based issues.

WingBingo · 13/04/2020 08:31

Totally agree with you.

My super busy SIL is appalled that DS 5&6 don’t yet got to any clubs, get up to go swimming at 8 on a Saturday etc...

We like a slower pace and we are enjoying the lockdown.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/04/2020 08:33

At heart I am a total lazy arse. I work hard at my job because I love it and believe in it, but refuse to let it take over my life. I have colleagues who'll bust a gut to post on social media at 5am that they're up and working and all I think is "what kind of person are you that you can't get all your work done in the allotted time?" Just enjoy time doing nothing - it's so good for the soul. The whole busyness competitive thing is a pressure cooker and nobody's MH needs that.

WhatsTheFrequencyKennneth · 13/04/2020 08:33

Different strokes for different folks. My sister and I couldn't be more different. She's high achieving, happiest when busy planning, organising, socialising. I am, and always have been the opposite preferring peace and quiet and simple pleasures. I've always presumed those who choose to be busy do so because they enjoy it.

Grasspigeons · 13/04/2020 08:34

I keep getting asked what I achieved today by people recently - it really windscme up.
My husband is perpetually busy and i think he needs to be, but its very easy to get caught up in it.

Christmastreedown · 13/04/2020 08:38

I am not bothered, I don't feel i need to compete with anyone.

WhyDoesItAlways · 13/04/2020 08:39

I totally agree with this although I will say I have never met one of these always busy types in real life. It only seems to be online that I hear about the people (women?) waking up hours before the rest of the family to do all the prep for everyone else for the day, get home and do dinner, homework, washing, ironing, more prep for the next day blah blah blah until bedtime. I find it exhausting to read and more often than not think it's at best unnecessary and at worst BS.

But even in this lockdown I've heard posts about people trying to entertain toddlers and complaining that they've done baking, craft, painting, play doh etc... all before lunch and finding it hard to entertain them all day and all I can think is SLOW DOWN! Just one or two of those activities a day is plenty entertainment for a toddler. Potter and play and spend time eating meals etc around these activities and you may find that your children learn to entertain themselves a bit too and are all the better for it (I say this as a parent of a toddler, not someone who is out of touch with what having a toddler entails).

So yeah, I'm pretty lazy. Carve out a few hours for myself every evening and more fool anyone who doesn't.

trulyconfuseddotcom · 13/04/2020 08:42

Yes, totally agree with this, OP. Am hoping one unintended consequence of this experience might be for people to feel they can do a bit less - the constant pressure to be continually available for work and do endless activities with family and friends is not healthy. I'm really enjoying doing less, I think it's pretty amazing for mental health and well-being.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2020 08:46

I agree and when the lockdown was announced a few people immediately popped into my head in clear columns of “will thrive” and “will go stir crazy without 50 million things going on at any given time”.

Business and responsibilities are relative of course but the people who fill their days and weekend full so they never get to sit down then complain they’re exhausted confuse me. Don’t want to be stressed and busy? Don’t be!

The number of posters on here claiming they don’t get to sit down and have a minute’s peace to themselves till gone midnight then are up by crack of dawn, while posting regularly about how hectic they are throughout the day (so DO apparently find time to hang out on a forum) Hmm

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 08:46

Surely you can realise that not everyone has the luxury to find a couple of free hours every evening if they want to sleep enough?

Same thing with the lockdown, the only people I know who are not working come from the travel industry. Every other worker is still working full time, either at home if they are lucky, or.. at work.
It's great if some people can use the lockdown as a holiday at home, but many can't - and a great number is working MORE than they would normally.

I found a routine that works for me, I need my weekends free of chores as they are the most important thing for me, but I can understand why it would't work for everybody. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't have a couple of hours every evening anyway!

GingerScallop · 13/04/2020 08:54

So true. I work in development sector and the same "ethos" is slipping in "aid" projects. If the poor women and men are not working all the time, sleeping later than normal doing development activities, the project has failed. Never mind that they already wake up at 4 am or before.
And for us, ridiculous deadlines and we are supposed to be super busy all the time. It's so draining. Now out of the workplace people are expecting the same: use your time for something productive they say! For me the idea of doing more, learning more in lockdown leaves me wiped out.

MaeDanvers true to an extent. One American man I worked with in the Netherlands was amazed at the Dutch idea of leaving work at work, planning the year and having lots of family time. He said it was the first time in 15 years (he was in nl for a year) that he had quality time with wife every day and even holiday was true holiday. Years later, an American woman told me the Dutch have achieved nothing and achieve nothing Hmm because they have too much family time. She hated working with Dutch colleagues cos weekends and holidays are family time (no work emails) and most people refuse to work after work hours. Go figure!

MurrayTheMonk · 13/04/2020 08:55

I never really believed that most people are as busy as they say they are. It's just competitive self importance isn't it? But up to them if they want to buy in to that. I'm probably averagely busy-I work full time, two DD's, see friends etc, but it's also not uncommon for me to have a full day of doing not much of a weekend and it doesn't bother me really.

MortyFide · 13/04/2020 08:57

Thanks for this thread. My DH has to be perpetually occupied, preferably outside doing something virtuous like cleaning, fixing, building, replacing, etc), and every morning I haven't been WFH during lockdown says to me, "What have you got planned for today?"

Initially I frantically summonsed up some of the things that had idly crossed my mind (I might weed the flower bed out the front, I might clear out my wardrobe, I might make some bracelets, I might make the dog a toy) and he would look disapproving. Like, unless I included that I might clean the kitchen cupboards or tidy the loft, what's the point of being alive.

But he's pissed me off twice in the last 24 hours so this morning when he demanded to know what I had planned, I sat reading MN on my phone with my feet up on the sofa and the puppy snoozing on my lap (one of his reasons for consternation, obvs the puppy will be ruined for life and will have separation anxiety) and I replied "Nothing. Nothing at all. If I think of something I'd like to do I'll do it, and if I don't, I won't."

Stick that up your hoop. So tired of his endless digs and criticisms, which he follows up with "I'm not having a dig at you" to invalidate any justified comment I might have that he's goading me.

It needs a whole thread of its own really, but it would take 2 hours to write. Who cares anyway.

lazylinguist · 13/04/2020 09:00

I entirely agree. I very much work to live, not live to work (though I'm fortunate that dh is the main earner). I've been doing a bit of decluttering and spring cleaning during lockdown, but most of the other stuff I'm doing is for pure enjoyment - things I don't normally have as much time to do. And I'm doing plenty of lazing around.

On another point, and I'm as guilty of this as anyone, lots of people eat up their downtime by spending hours glued to their phones. I think they almost don't count that as downtime- it's unthinking, unappreciated, mindless, uses up far more time than we realise and damages our ability to have the patience and awareness to appreciate sitting quietly and taking in our surroundings.

notagaincharlie · 13/04/2020 09:01

I'm with you, @MortyFide

My dh is all about the 'jobs'..... Reading a book or listening to the radio is not sufficiently 'job like'

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 09:03

I never really believed that most people are as busy as they say they are.
depends where you live. Most people around here waste between 2 to 3 hours a day commuting, once you add a full time job, chores at home, admin, kids.. it doesn't leave you that much free time.

whitedaisies · 13/04/2020 09:05

A good friend of mine has a huge circle of friends acquired through all her life experiences and is perpetually busy. She's realised now how exhausting it is. She's already preparing to say "no, thanks" to the many invites she'll get for post lock down celebrations. We're planning to drink aperol spritz in her garden instead Smile