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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think we need to stop celebrating unhealthy levels of busyness

111 replies

MistyMoors20 · 12/04/2020 14:24

Everywhere I look I see people constantly posting about the stresses and strains of everyday life and how busy we all are, usually followed by some generic comment about the importance of self-care and a frothy instruction to take "even just 15 minutes a day out of our busy schedules" to practice self-love/read a book/meditate/lock ourselves in the loo away from family members.

Whilst I don't disagree with the idea of prioritising self-care (quite the opposite), I can't be the only person who thinks that, actually, most people do manage to catch some downtime most days and that the unintended effect of all this hyper-busyness is to make those of us who manage to find more than the abysmal-yet-oft-repeated-"magical 15 minutes" feel lazy and undeserving of a break?

I work full-time in a demanding job and tend to put in about 1-2 hours of overtime each day. I come home, make dinner, tidy, do a bit of life-admin etc and usually I can still manage to squeeze in a couple of hours of downtime most evenings. If I'm tired it's generally just a bit of reading or tv so we're not talking anything life-changing, but at the weekend it's much more and I regularly book the odd long-weekender off work to go away, take my parents out for lunch or potter about at home. Sure, some weeks feel busier than others but a couple of hours each night to decompress is pretty achievable most days and I don't think it's particularly unusual for most people, with the exception of friends of mine who are still going through the newborn baby stage or have more than one very young child.

I don't think it's healthy to see downtime as some kind of luxury or indulgence only afforded to the idle or those whose lives aren't full enough. Surely taking a healthy amount of time for yourself most days is crucial to survival and to our ability to cope with the more challenging aspects of our lives, whether that be a demanding career, caring for dependants or otherwise. I certainly know that were I unable to take that time to decompress each evening I would be less able to fully commit myself to my work during the day, but my job is not my life and my work phone gets switched off when I leave the office.

The trend for posting these "busy busy busy" type of posts seems to be on the rise and I can't help but think that rather than giving readers permission to take some real, meaningful time for themselves and their families, they actually have the opposite effect of glorifying unmaintainable levels of activity and normalising this perception that women must be constantly run ragged or risk the accusation that they aren't living their fullest life or maximising their potential.

Interested to hear how others interpret these sorts of posts about self-care. Are we really all that busy? Are all women simply hurling ourselves from one full-throttle activity to another one in some kind of perpetual frenzy? Or actually do most of us have more balance in our lives?

OP posts:
onemouseplace · 13/04/2020 11:54

I think it's all how you interpret business. I've got a couple of friends who pride themselves on how busy they are, so much but when you look closely at their lives, you realise one is permanently disorganised and a inveterate faffer and wastes incredible amounts of time, and the other, despite claiming to be busier than anyone else, manages to reply to any WhatsApp message at any time immediately, so I suspect isn't as busy as she claims she is.

I think both look down on me because I'm just not that busy, but I couldn't care less to be honest, I'm pretty happy with my pace of life as it is.

flirtygirl · 13/04/2020 12:14

MamaBearLockdown
No need to look down at others who have more goals and interests.

Yep no need to look down on others but this plays both ways, which I think the people on this thread are pointing out.

You can have goals, hobbies, interests and still live your life at a much slowly pace. (if you choose to do so, of course.)

Conversely you can fill your days, all day and everyday, the world has space for all characters and indeed I think that both types are needed.

However, I think that the UK work culture is following more towards American work culture and capitalism, so that the less busy are far more looked down on than the busy. The busy in most of society are lauded as useful, industrious, important and vital.

Just because someone is doing less does not mean they are not any of those things. The businesswoman working 100 hours per week, is she any more important than the part time worker, who also volunteers a few hours at the local food bank? Can't we recognise that both are vital and industrious and important, they just are different and have different needs themselves and different ways of living, working and occupying their time.

Lludmilla · 13/04/2020 12:16

Heck yeah. I know a few people who act superior about how busy they are all the time and how little sleep they get, with one in particular being fond of dropping into conversation that she 'hasn't had time for a wee all day'.

And don't get me started on the competitive sleep deprivation. I suffer from chronic fatigue and am never able to get as much sleep as I need, so it really pisses me off when people seem to be vying to 'win' the competition of How Little Sleep I Get. (I don't mean when people are just discussing sleep and commiserating over lack of it - I'm talking about those people who seem to think sleep deprivation makes them morally superior - sadly I know quite a few of them.)

Lludmilla · 13/04/2020 12:20

If you are happy doing not much, of course go for it. No need to look down at others who have more goals and interests.

Comments like this are really insensitive towards people like me who would like to do more but are hampered by health problems that affect mobility or energy levels. The implicit boast at the end of your sentence is really quite unpleasant and implies those of us who aren't permanently on the go are just lazy. Maybe it's you who should stop looking down on others, namely those who would love to have 'more goals and interests' but can't.

isabellerossignol · 13/04/2020 12:26

I am incredibly easily bored. In fact, the last place I ever want to be is alone with my own thoughts because there is a whole lot of negative stuff in my head and the way I cope with it is to bury it and not think about it. I wasted many good years of my life in a complete fog of depression and anxiety and feelings of worthlessness and an inability to change things. Now I have changed things a lot and am much happier for it. But in all honesty, I don't think anyone except my husband knows the difference between the old me and the new me, and I'd like to keep it that way Grin

Doobigetta · 13/04/2020 12:31

Completely agree with you, OP. I manage to get a couple of hours’ downtime every single evening, because I know I’d be a miserable wreck without it, so I make it a priority and I say no to things that would get in the way. I think sometimes this pisses people off, but I can live with that. However, I think this is also true:

I never really believed that most people are as busy as they say they are.

I’ve noticed a new favourite lament at work is “oh, I’m really struggling with being disciplined enough to log off on time in the evening when I’m at home, it’s so easy to just do one more thing and then it’s seven o’clock”. This is not something I have ever struggled with, and I notice the people who say it are generally the ones that have a reputation for being lazy, taking credit for other people’s work, not gettIng back to people, being bullshit merchants... also, most, but not all of them, are male. So, before you know it it’s seven o’clock and your wife has made dinner and bathed the kids, I think is more like the truth.

Hoolajerry · 13/04/2020 12:46

This thread is incredibly judgemental and sneery. Everyone has a choice. You are doing exactly the same as those who are competively busy. You don't need to put others down because they have made a different life choice to you.

MistyMoors20 · 13/04/2020 12:52

MamaBearLockdown
No need to look down at others who have more goals and interests.

A bit of a silly comment but a good example of the kind of attitude I mean. You seem to be suggesting that those who have sought balance in their lives and enjoy their R&R are somehow lacking in ambition? In addition to a full time job I have post-grad qualifications, volunteer at a charity, speak a foreign language and play an instrument. I wouldn't class myself as unambitious, but equally there is absolutely nothing wrong with being happy with your lot and choosing not to stretch yourself too thinly if you don't have the time or inclination to do so. It sounds like many posters on here have, for a variety of reasons, made a conscious choice to cultivate lives for themselves without feeling guilty about their decision not to flog themselves with the busy-stick every day, which I think is excellent and which I wish more people would give themselves permission to do.

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 13/04/2020 12:55

If you are happy doing not much, of course go for it. No need to look down at others who have more goals and interests.

What a sneery and unpleasant comment.

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 12:58

Lludmilla
who said anything about energy levels? You made the decision to be on MN (and so have I Grin ) you chose to waste time on here and do nothing.

Having goals and interests never meant training for an iron man whilst practicing your off road skills and learning to rock climb.

Choosing a slow-pace life when you have the luxury to make that choice is one thing. Looking down and mocking others who prefers not to look by the window all day doing nothing is another.

Your choices don't affect me, but why are others so quick on judging mine?

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 13:01

vanillandhoney
sorry I touched a nerve with you 🤷

Some of us don't have the finance to have a life of leisure and do hobbies at a relaxing pace. If we want to do something, we have to add it to our working day. So we get busy.
I might end up unable to do anything in the future, I can't waste the years I have now. I am wasting enough time during the lockdown!

MistyMoors20 · 13/04/2020 13:01

Hoolajerry I don't think anyone is judging those people who genuinely feel at their happiest running from activity to activity and can function well without much time to themselves, but the reality is that a huge number of the people who shout about how busy they are, are doing so in the context of a complaint. They are just so busy they are constantly bemoaning the fact that they haven't possibly got time to stop/cook a proper meal/get a good night's sleep/enjoy a film/sit and listen to the birds. Many people don't seem to realise they have a choice in the matter and it worries me that this culture we are creating is resulting in so many people sacrificing their personal well-being under the pressure to pack as much as possible into every moment of their day.

OP posts:
Hoolajerry · 13/04/2020 13:02

A bit of a silly comment but a good example of the kind of attitude I mean

People will get defensive when they feel attacked. You have picked up on this one comment and are ignoring the fact that "busy" people have had their character and choices pulled apart. I'll give you a few examples:

a reputation for being lazy, taking credit for other people’s work, not gettIng back to people, being bullshit merchants...

when you look closely at their lives, you realise one is permanently disorganised and a inveterate faffer and wastes incredible amounts of time

LunaLula83 · 13/04/2020 13:04

Can't reply, sorry too busy!

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 13:04

Many people don't seem to realise they have a choice in the matter

the choice is to quit my job... how am I supposed to pay the bills? Go on the dole?

ClientQ · 13/04/2020 13:06

My productivity has been discovering Chicago fire and binge watching it. Sure I could deep clean the whole house but then I'm a 12 week shielding person and would have nothing left to do Grin
I might hoover the sofa and under the bed. Later...

CovidCanFKcuOFF · 13/04/2020 13:08

Totally agree and I usually find it's a mask really... Running away from the something...

vanillandhoney · 13/04/2020 13:11

Some of us don't have the finance to have a life of leisure and do hobbies at a relaxing pace. If we want to do something, we have to add it to our working day.

What does that have to do with your comment about having more goals and interests?

LolaSmiles · 13/04/2020 13:15

YANBU at all.

I find that the people who post most about self care and the importance of a minute to breathe in a busy world fall into two camps:

  1. People I know for a fact do significantly less than others at work or spend a lot of time binge watching on Netflix so it's hard to take them seriously at all. They're convinced that they are always swamped with work and never get a minute to themselves, but talking to them for 20 mins she they're far from busy; they just love complaining and appearing busy
  2. People who think self care involves posting about self care on social media, complete with all the productive things they do to self care (eg photos of our new meals #Nutrition #LookAfterYourself / the new skill or hobby they are doing).

I've nothing against doing nice things that make you happy, but sometimes I worry that elements of the self-care movement is just another way to repackage busy-ness and productivity in another way, just like some of the more obsessive parent who buy all the wooden toys, collect all the prints of cloth nappies, spend a fortune when Frugi have a new line released are still embodying consunerism but it's consumerism with an ethical face. Nothing changes, just the money goes somewhere else for a product that sells a lifestyle.

I think I'm increasingly cynical

JaneJeffer · 13/04/2020 13:20

This was posted by Marian Keyes ten days ago.

To think we need to stop celebrating unhealthy levels of busyness
MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 13:22

vanillandhoney
by pointing out that being busy doesn't mean boasting about self-importance like some posters liked to pretend on this thread.

Sometimes you are busy because you enjoy doing things... why is it so wrong? I can't chuck my job, doesn't mean I have to give up on everything else.

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 13:23

I am guessing that Marian Key doesn't have to keep full-time working hours... What working parent currently have the luxury to do nothing, whilst having to do a job and look after the kids?
I am wasting my bank holiday on here enough as it is Grin

lemontreebird · 13/04/2020 13:29

My mother used to complain 'I haven't sat down all day', when I got home from school.

Even as a child I thought this was stupid and knew I didn't want to live like that.

Annasgirl · 13/04/2020 13:32

@janejeffer I am 100% with Marian on that. I am using this time to rest and read and mind my family.
I was supposed to be starting a new business and it has all been put on hold and DH has had to close his business so we are trying to keep our minds from going into a downward spiral of how the hell will we pay the bills. But through it all we are trying to spend the time chilling with our DC as much as possible while still doing essential cooking, cleaning, gardening and some work admin.
The greatest relief has been the Easter holidays, so all the stupid home- schooling competitiveness has stopped. I am dreading the return to daily teacher emails next week. Thank God DS1's school are telling the boys to mind their mental health and not to stress about the school work. But the principal of DS2's school - primary school!!! - is pandering to high pressure parent who insist on daily lesson plans and the ability to post the answers back to the teacher 🙄

Devlesko · 13/04/2020 13:39

I have all the time in the world, because time is more important than money to me.
Tbh, I laugh at those who are busy and think what bloody idiots they are missing out on life.
I'm not sure why I'd feel lazy or worth less than a professional busier.
Surely if you have all the time in the world you are living your life to the full rather than giving a majority of it to an employer.
It's all relative, I think it's dft to work ft when you have kids, because then your time is taken with work, kids, house and just an hour/two at most free per day. That's no life.

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