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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think we need to stop celebrating unhealthy levels of busyness

111 replies

MistyMoors20 · 12/04/2020 14:24

Everywhere I look I see people constantly posting about the stresses and strains of everyday life and how busy we all are, usually followed by some generic comment about the importance of self-care and a frothy instruction to take "even just 15 minutes a day out of our busy schedules" to practice self-love/read a book/meditate/lock ourselves in the loo away from family members.

Whilst I don't disagree with the idea of prioritising self-care (quite the opposite), I can't be the only person who thinks that, actually, most people do manage to catch some downtime most days and that the unintended effect of all this hyper-busyness is to make those of us who manage to find more than the abysmal-yet-oft-repeated-"magical 15 minutes" feel lazy and undeserving of a break?

I work full-time in a demanding job and tend to put in about 1-2 hours of overtime each day. I come home, make dinner, tidy, do a bit of life-admin etc and usually I can still manage to squeeze in a couple of hours of downtime most evenings. If I'm tired it's generally just a bit of reading or tv so we're not talking anything life-changing, but at the weekend it's much more and I regularly book the odd long-weekender off work to go away, take my parents out for lunch or potter about at home. Sure, some weeks feel busier than others but a couple of hours each night to decompress is pretty achievable most days and I don't think it's particularly unusual for most people, with the exception of friends of mine who are still going through the newborn baby stage or have more than one very young child.

I don't think it's healthy to see downtime as some kind of luxury or indulgence only afforded to the idle or those whose lives aren't full enough. Surely taking a healthy amount of time for yourself most days is crucial to survival and to our ability to cope with the more challenging aspects of our lives, whether that be a demanding career, caring for dependants or otherwise. I certainly know that were I unable to take that time to decompress each evening I would be less able to fully commit myself to my work during the day, but my job is not my life and my work phone gets switched off when I leave the office.

The trend for posting these "busy busy busy" type of posts seems to be on the rise and I can't help but think that rather than giving readers permission to take some real, meaningful time for themselves and their families, they actually have the opposite effect of glorifying unmaintainable levels of activity and normalising this perception that women must be constantly run ragged or risk the accusation that they aren't living their fullest life or maximising their potential.

Interested to hear how others interpret these sorts of posts about self-care. Are we really all that busy? Are all women simply hurling ourselves from one full-throttle activity to another one in some kind of perpetual frenzy? Or actually do most of us have more balance in our lives?

OP posts:
Hoolajerry · 13/04/2020 09:06

MistyMoors20 I am one of your busy types and no I often can't find even five minutes in the day. I work full-time and have four dc. I get home at 4 30. Cook dinner and then need to take one or more of the dc to activities. Yes we could all stop our activities but generally we all do one thing each so that's every night gone. Who are we going to choose to say no to? Depending on who's activity it is we might not be home until late. I still have washing, lunches, cleaning etc to do. We all play a sport so weekends are often taken up with someone's matches. We also have a constant stream of people through door who often just pop in and a busy social life.
Most of the time I love it. Sometimes it is too much. Yes it is the result of choices but it is not always that easy to simplify.

switswoo81 · 13/04/2020 09:08

YANBU , it is not a badge of honour to be ridiculously busy. I agree with the comments about America,. Went on a student visa to work there for the summer in a bakery. Was shocked by the attitude to holidays and work.
I would also dare say it about teaching. I was lambasted on here for teaching with textbooks (I'm in Ireland) with a teacher yearly plan! . When I read about teachers in the UK up until all hours creating lessons, complicated marking schemes, making displays, recording data I am shocked. Now I don't blame individuals but I don't understand the culture.
I collect my dc at 2:45 3 days a week , do a few hours prep on s Sunday morning and stay back till 3:30 2 days a week.
My class are learning and teachers don't leave the profession till they retire so.a wealth of experience is retained.

ThursdayLastWeek · 13/04/2020 09:09

I agree.

Two of my closest friends have told me their children are enjoying the slower pace of life thanks to the lock down.
Obviously there’s a flip side, and they don’t just work full time for the fun of it but I do hope they maybe carry some of the chill on afterwards. Clubs etc.

We have a very snail paced life anyway so I’m missing the few bits of structure!

Oblomov20 · 13/04/2020 09:11

I agree. Many people I know are permanently busy. I'm not. I try to do as little as possible. And only do things I like, if at all possible.
It seems I'm a minority though.
Maybe the difference is that I'm naturally sedentary and am happy pottering about at home doing as little as possible. Plus I have a medical condition, which means I feel permanently shattered no matter how much I sleep.

catwithnohat · 13/04/2020 09:12

I find that most of these uber busy people squander time like no-one's business especially at work (no, you don't have time for this or that, but you can spend half an hour hanging off someone's desk yakking about the cricket/football or surfing shopping sites). Presenteeism is such a thing.

At home, it's footering about but not achieving much ….like that big cupboard under the stairs still hasn't been sorted three weeks later Grin

yellowbluebell · 13/04/2020 09:13

I think people who constantly say they're busy are just saying it as they think it sounds like they've got more going on than the rest of us and they like to sound superior. To me it just screams that they're attention seeking and want a pat on the back for their busy bee behaviour. It does my head in.

isabellerossignol · 13/04/2020 09:32

When I look at the people I know, the ones who claim to be so incredibly busy, can't switch off their work phone etc, are not the very senior people, they're the ones who desperately want people to think they are indispensable and Very Important. I've always assumed it to be low self esteem. The people I know who actually are Very Important (in career terms, because obviously everyone is very important in family terms) just quietly get on with it. I've gone on a fortnight long family holiday with a friend who has a very senior job in a big multinational company, and she never once interrupted what we were doing to check emails. Maybe she did it in bed or something, but she was so exhausted from small children that she was asleep on the sofa by 9pm every night.

Conversely I have a very terse relationship with a relative who had the nerve to ask to take my children for a day out and then spent a 30 mile drive making work phonecalls whilst driving with them in the car, because apparently her need to feel important trumps my children's need for safety.

Bezalelle · 13/04/2020 09:33

I get it. I do.

I have to admit, though, that I pretend to be "super busy" so I can avoid people who want something from me Blush

Seriouslyastounded · 13/04/2020 09:34

I’m not busy at all. I go out to work full time then come home and sit on my arse the rest of the night. I have a DS who has autism but goes to no clubs as he hates them. I’d hate to have the life that some do on here

Doobababarah · 13/04/2020 09:44

Comparison is the thief of joy.

You do you.

Being 'busy' has morphed into a cultural expression. It comes from insecurity. So, the modern meaning of I'm busy is - I'm important, honestly I am. I'm popular, honestly I am. I'm clever, honestly I am.

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 09:48

I was relatively busy before, but I can tell you that after the lockdown, I am gonna be even more busy! I am never spending a weekend at home doing nothing ever again Grin

So many people to see, so many places to go, activities to do, I feel like I am wasting my life here! I'd happily pay a gardener from now! I still have to work, the kids do their school work, so we are not bored at all. I just don't like being locked in.

hopeishere · 13/04/2020 09:49

There's definitely competitive busyness going on in my work! Every call is people saying how busy they are and having to work extra hours etc. I'll admit for the first few days of lockdown I was extremely busy and indulged in this. Now I'm busy but it's manageable. It's also bullshit that everyone is super busy. One person I'd "busy" reading stuff about coronavirus and passing someone else's work off as their own.

MsTSwift · 13/04/2020 09:50

Proud that my girls have inherited my reading in the garden skills. We’ve spent the last few days doing just that interspersed with the odd ping pong match shooting hoops and articulate. I half heartedly suggested a walk but we concluded we should leave the outdoors for everyone else - the reality was we couldn’t be bothered 😁

DippyAvocado · 13/04/2020 09:55

My DH has to be perpetually occupied, preferably outside doing something virtuous like cleaning, fixing, building, replacing, etc)

I am also married to this man. Any time that is not spent doing "jobs" is spent listing to me all the stuff he has done, with of course a veiled undertone of how lazy I am.

Itstheprinciple · 13/04/2020 09:57

I'm not one of those people who is always busy so I'm quite enjoying the current situation (obviously not enjoying the illness and death part of it). Luckily my DH is also the same - he likes to have something to do but generally these are geeky hobby type things that he doesn't expect my input in. He's very busy when at work, evenings and weekends included, but definitely able to embrace holidays.

wingardium8 · 13/04/2020 10:21

I’m like a couple of the DHs mentioned. I feel better if I’ve had a busy and ‘constructive’ (IMO) day with a load of jobs or activities done, but I don’t see why PPs need to be sneery about that or say it’s masking some discontent or something. I just like doing DIY, planning projects, having stuff organised etc. I’m well aware other people have different preferences and that’s cool too.
When I ask DH what is our plan for the day, he knows it’s tongue in cheek and that I’ll tick some stuff off my master lockdown to-do list and he’ll read a book in the garden. Both happy - result!

onanothertrain · 13/04/2020 10:21

I agree OP but then again I'm a bit of a lazy cow. There are lots of women on here who just like to play the martyr and also spend hours doing life admin, whatever that is.

isabellerossignol · 13/04/2020 10:29

I’m like a couple of the DHs mentioned. I feel better if I’ve had a busy and ‘constructive’ (IMO) day with a load of jobs or activities done, but I don’t see why PPs need to be sneery about that or say it’s masking some discontent or something.

I see that as very different though. That's actually doing stuff, because you like to be doing stuff, which presumably you wanted to do.

When I mentioned low self esteem I was thinking of people who aren't so much doing stuff as boasting about how much stuff they have to do and how no one can function without them etc. I find they are usually the same people who moan about all their colleagues and tell everyone that no one else in their company knows what they are doing and the whole place would fall apart without them etc.

malificent7 · 13/04/2020 10:32

I love chilling and pottering about and for once i can! Hurrah!

Barbararara · 13/04/2020 10:34

DH grew up in a home where you had to be perpetually occupied or look like you were. I’m always hearing, from his siblings, about how their df works too hard and can never just relax and take it easy. But the weird thing is that I’m the 15 years I’ve known him, he seems to spend his time sunbathing, reading the newspaper, snoozing after a meal or sitting watching tv. But on the odd day when he gardens or power washes the drive they all sigh and agree among themselves that he just doesn’t know how to stop.
Meanwhile they all work themselves constantly and fidget and twitch. DH gave up his weekend job, a time-hungry hobby, and decided that he was done with taking courses and classes when we moved in together. This was on top of running a successful company, teaching classes and a small side earner. We just embraced the concept of judgement free downtime.

Purpletigers · 13/04/2020 10:55

Morty- my husband says exactly the same . He suggested sorting out the attic 😂. Doesn’t he realise that’s were I dump all the shit I’ve tidied from everywhere else ? I’m doing my best to keep the plates spinning down here without going up there too .
Now when he says “ what have you planned for today? “ I say “ meh , I’ll see what I feel doing “

opticaldelusion · 13/04/2020 11:28

I agree, OP. I think it's a status signifier. It's vulgar to have conspicuous wealth these days so instead people are busy, busy, busy! It's a way of saying 'my life is meaningful and important'. It's also a way of being competitive. 'Oh, I'm so exhausted, I have so much to do, and I mustn't forget to get Jacinta to her viola lessons blah blah'. People force it on to their kids too with all the extra activities to create well-rounded individuals with lots of interests.

Busyness is also a way to avoid being with your own thoughts.

Meh. Exhausting. Personally I like staring out of the window. For hours.

flirtygirl · 13/04/2020 11:31

Oblomov20

I agree. Many people I know are permanently busy. I'm not. I try to do as little as possible. And only do things I like, if at all possible.
It seems I'm a minority though.
Maybe the difference is that I'm naturally sedentary and am happy pottering about at home doing as little as possible. Plus I have a medical condition, which means I feel permanently shattered no matter how much I sleep.

Oblomov, you read my mind and have typed my thoughts.

I was busy, partly learned as my mum (sister, aunts, cousins) is one of those super busy people and partly as I enjoyed the money many jobs brought.
However illness dimmed all of that and for a very long time, I have lived at quite a snail pace. I embrace being "un" busy.

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 11:35

but when you look back at the previous year, are you happy about what you have achieved? As current events have proven, you can't guess what the future holds. Are you happy not to make the most of everything whilst you have a chance?

If you are happy doing not much, of course go for it. No need to look down at others who have more goals and interests.

lazylinguist · 13/04/2020 11:44

Maybe it's partly a boredom thing too. I don't really understand boredom- I am incapable of being bored. I could literally sit in a room all day with nothing but my own thoughts and maybe a pen and paper and not be remotely bored. I guess that's why I don't feel the need to make myself busy!