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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think we need to stop celebrating unhealthy levels of busyness

111 replies

MistyMoors20 · 12/04/2020 14:24

Everywhere I look I see people constantly posting about the stresses and strains of everyday life and how busy we all are, usually followed by some generic comment about the importance of self-care and a frothy instruction to take "even just 15 minutes a day out of our busy schedules" to practice self-love/read a book/meditate/lock ourselves in the loo away from family members.

Whilst I don't disagree with the idea of prioritising self-care (quite the opposite), I can't be the only person who thinks that, actually, most people do manage to catch some downtime most days and that the unintended effect of all this hyper-busyness is to make those of us who manage to find more than the abysmal-yet-oft-repeated-"magical 15 minutes" feel lazy and undeserving of a break?

I work full-time in a demanding job and tend to put in about 1-2 hours of overtime each day. I come home, make dinner, tidy, do a bit of life-admin etc and usually I can still manage to squeeze in a couple of hours of downtime most evenings. If I'm tired it's generally just a bit of reading or tv so we're not talking anything life-changing, but at the weekend it's much more and I regularly book the odd long-weekender off work to go away, take my parents out for lunch or potter about at home. Sure, some weeks feel busier than others but a couple of hours each night to decompress is pretty achievable most days and I don't think it's particularly unusual for most people, with the exception of friends of mine who are still going through the newborn baby stage or have more than one very young child.

I don't think it's healthy to see downtime as some kind of luxury or indulgence only afforded to the idle or those whose lives aren't full enough. Surely taking a healthy amount of time for yourself most days is crucial to survival and to our ability to cope with the more challenging aspects of our lives, whether that be a demanding career, caring for dependants or otherwise. I certainly know that were I unable to take that time to decompress each evening I would be less able to fully commit myself to my work during the day, but my job is not my life and my work phone gets switched off when I leave the office.

The trend for posting these "busy busy busy" type of posts seems to be on the rise and I can't help but think that rather than giving readers permission to take some real, meaningful time for themselves and their families, they actually have the opposite effect of glorifying unmaintainable levels of activity and normalising this perception that women must be constantly run ragged or risk the accusation that they aren't living their fullest life or maximising their potential.

Interested to hear how others interpret these sorts of posts about self-care. Are we really all that busy? Are all women simply hurling ourselves from one full-throttle activity to another one in some kind of perpetual frenzy? Or actually do most of us have more balance in our lives?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 13/04/2020 13:40

Sometimes you are busy because you enjoy doing things... why is it so wrong?
In my experience people who enjoy doing multiple things and who find personal peace and calm doing multiple things rarely discuss how busy they are.

Those who fill their time to be busy to get gold stars from others tend to enjoy telling people how busy they are, which comes across like it's less that they enjoy each activity and running a packed life, but they enjoy the validation from others admiring how busy they are. The fulfillment comes from the activity and the validation from others in equal measure.

Macncheeseballs · 13/04/2020 13:42

I'm not busy.

vanillandhoney · 13/04/2020 13:52

Sometimes you are busy because you enjoy doing things... why is it so wrong? I can't chuck my job, doesn't mean I have to give up on everything else.

The people who enjoy being busy aren't the ones whining about how busy they are and how they never have the chance to sit down.

Hoolajerry · 13/04/2020 13:53

What's your definition of life Devlesko?
By your logic, time itself is life. You state you have all the time in the world. All the time in the world to do what exactly?

Hoolajerry · 13/04/2020 13:55

**
The people who enjoy being busy aren't the ones whining about how busy they are and how they never have the chance to sit down**

Ah so you're allowed to be busy, you're just never allowed to comment on it. Got it

vanillandhoney · 13/04/2020 13:56

Ah so you're allowed to be busy, you're just never allowed to comment on it. Got it

Yes, that's exactly what I said.

Lludmilla · 13/04/2020 14:07

Your choices don't affect me, but why are others so quick on judging mine?

Can't speak for anyone else, but for me it's your superior tone I'm judging, not your actions or choices.

Oh, and as for 'wasting time and doing nothing' you clearly have no understanding of debilitating health conditions such as chronic fatigue or you'd realise not everyone is able to leap out of bed yodelling every morning and proceed to buzz around like a happy little bee. It takes me a LOT of time to ramp my energy levels up each morning to the point where I'm even able to get up and shower and start the day, and 'brain fog' is an issue too on many days – hence, yes, on a bad day I 'waste' time on Mumsnet sometimes because when physical and mental resources are low there are precious few other activities open to me. So bloody what. I'm a small business owner and have a number of 'goals and interests', thank you very much, including writing a novel I'm currently in the process of completing, but my health unfortunately dictates that I don't always get to pursue my goals or interests as much as I would like. (To address a point I've seen you make elsewhere on the thread, for some people a slower pace of life is an unwanted necessity, not some sort of indulgent lifestyle choice - my health issues mean I can only manage to work part-time so money's a struggle.)

Thanks so much for making me feel like even more of a slug than I already do due to circumstances beyond my control.

HepzibahGreen · 13/04/2020 14:18

I get you OP. I have a relative like this. She takes on too much and then gets really stressed. She was massively panicking at the idea of lockdown as she can't stand being home, and her kids won't be able to do their full schedule of activities. She was telling me how she and her husband are going to split the home schooling day into two lots of three hours and alternate between that and their own work (both WFH). No wonder she's stressed, that's a lot to do, especially for primary kids!
I said, look, mine are secondary and I'm ok with 2 hours total of school work, which she obviously thought was really slack of me!
We have done exactly no baking, no DIY, no extra cleaning. I have been playing my instruments more, listening to more music, and the kids are a lot more chilled and seem happier than when at school so that's interesting.
I'm not lazy, and we're not on screens all the time, but I'm used to mega long walks (it's how I de stress normally) and noodling about at home a lot so I'm pretty much built for lockdown!
I learned a long time ago never to say I'm not that busy at work though, as people think you're not getting anything done, when actually the "busy" people are just innefficient.

LolaSmiles · 13/04/2020 14:47

Ah so you're allowed to be busy, you're just never allowed to comment on it. Got it

Not quite. You can comment on things you're enjoying doing, bit spare the rest of us the "gosh I'm soooo busy" chat.

Prior to DC I was quite a busy person. If people asked what I was doing that evening or at the weekend then I'd mention a couple of nice things and then go off an enjoy my activities.
What I didn't do when asked if I have any plans for the weekend is go into a monologue of every tiny thing I'm doing because I wasn't interested in people gushing and wasn't seeking the admiring comments like "wow, I don't know how you fit it all in... You must be so organised".

The people who enjoy being busy aren't the ones whining about how busy they are and how they never have the chance to sit down.
This in bucketloads.

There's a huge difference between someone needing to share how they're feeling overwhelmed with how much they have on their plate (most of which isn't self selected) and someone prattling on about how awfully busy they are, they never get to stop, can't think of the last time they sat down for a cup of tea when it's a mix of things they've chosen to do and mundane life tasks that everyone does.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/04/2020 14:50

I totally agree. Also the willingness to work unpaid overtime. Work you contracted hours and no more. Do the necessary housework and no more.

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 15:14

Also the willingness to work unpaid overtime. Work you contracted hours and no more.
great if you want 0 bonus, 0 promotion and 0 payrise.

In the current economical climate, my mental health benefits massively from having a secure job, a secure income and bonus, and the overtime was well worth it.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/04/2020 15:15

"Also the willingness to work unpaid overtime. Work you contracted hours and no more.
great if you want 0 bonus, 0 promotion and 0 payrise."

Only because some others are willing to do it. If workers stood together and refused it wouldn't work the same.

Crikey0000 · 13/04/2020 15:20

I find it really patronising that some people go on about it being 'ok to slow down'. Really, you've only just realised? Repeated posts from my yoga instructor about this very subject, like she thinks I don't already know and I need to be taught. I'm trying to detach from it tbh.

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 15:20

let's see which ones are going to lose their jobs first.

It also depends on jobs, some can be done pretty much during office hours, other industries require a lot more flexibility. Put it that way, if everyone was working 9 to 5 Monday to Friday, you'd never had a chance to go shopping or do anything.

ClientQ · 13/04/2020 15:29

It does definitely depend on the job. My work is open for 10hrs a day only and you don't take work home as it's impossible. FT is 8.5hrs a day

Bonus/commission is paid whether you do any overtime or not, pay is exactly the same for all of us and so is any pay rise. I don't do overtime because I already work FT 40hrs a week and it's not viewed as good or bad if you do or don't do any

TeacupDrama · 13/04/2020 15:31

@mamabearlockdown why do you think Germany and Scandinavia have greater productivity when generally people do not work overtime or answer emails etc out of work hours
is it because they arrive at work , work solidly until lunchtime actually have lunch and then work till 5 or 6pm?

it appears there is no culture of either presenteeism but neither do people stay longer and waste time by looking at phones, internet, facebook or even mumsnet in working hours, don't chat by water cooler/ coffee machine so actually get more done so the amount of work is completed quicker?

Surely it should be possible bar a dire emergency to complete your work in normal hours if not you are either incompetent or inefficient or if not then someone else should be hired as there is more work than 1 person can reasonably do in 8 hours ( or whatever the shift pattern is) per day

thunderthighsohwoe · 13/04/2020 15:40

I’m a full time teacher and mum to a toddler, DP also works long hours full time. My weekdays are scheduled from the minute I get up until the minute I go to bed - I have to do at least three hours work per evening in order to give me free time at the weekend. However, I certainly don’t hold my busy life up as some kind of virtue and it’s never been posted about on social media! It’s just a necessity of life right now in order to pay the mortgage, and it will all balance out when we have older/more independent children.

blueshoes · 13/04/2020 15:48

I hear you mamabear.

All this celebration of sloth is equally distasteful, especially those who are bankrolled by spouses and taxpayers.

DippyAvocado · 13/04/2020 15:53

You can have a very busy working life but want to take things easy in your spare time though.

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 15:54

TeacupDrama

Half of my clients can only contact me out of "business hours", and a good chunk doesn't follow the uk weekend break, but feel free to call me incompetent or inefficient. Grin

Lludmilla · 13/04/2020 15:56

Only because some others are willing to do it. If workers stood together and refused it wouldn't work the same.

This. Makes my blood boil the things employers get away with nowadays because we're all brainwashed that we have to work umpteen extra hours for free and have no life if we want to get ahead. It's bullshit and it doesn't even increase the chances of job security at the end of it all.

MamaBearLockdown · 13/04/2020 16:01

depends what you do! Some people are really hungry for success, and more than happy to show it. If you don't want to follow, you don't have to, but you won't last long in some places. You don't have to, there's not just 1 job and 1 business model in this country.

Lludmilla · 13/04/2020 16:32

Some people are really hungry for success, and more than happy to show it

And some people place a higher value on themselves than to work 'over and above' for no extra money and most likely no extra appreciation.

LastTrainEast · 13/04/2020 16:42

I seem to recall that an advantage of creating an industrial society was more leisure time. This was presented as a good thing for the human race, but leisure time is now 'only for people who don't care about success' and 'letting the side down'. Working until you drop is empowering or something.

TeacupDrama · 13/04/2020 16:44

@mamabear Sorry if you misunderstood me I didn't say business hours needed to be 9-5 so your clients have different hours that is fine you work different hours to suit nor was I saying you were inefficient but being unable to finish your work in designated hours in some places would be interpreted like this

but it is unreasonable to expect employees to be available from 5am to suit clients in the eastern half of the world and still available at 11pm to deal with clients in USA, I was just making the point that lots of people in both Uk and USA stay late at work to look keen and loyal when in other work cultures it would not be interpreted that way, my point was in certain work place cultures it would be seen as a problem if when everyone else left at 5pm you didn't
In Sweden Holland Denmark etc there is an expectation that people go home at 5-6pm and don't work from home and arrive next morning at 9am, I think it is called the right to disconnect and exists legally in quite a few European countries

I was not talking about people doing extra every now and again but the culture of presenteeism which is not so much about huge amounts of work ( that is just overloading staff) but not being seen to be the first to go home or to take the whole hours lunch even though work could be finished in hours it is dragged out to look busier