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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My child called me fat...

127 replies

Emcont · 12/04/2020 06:18

She was on the trampoline, I was laying on the sun lounger watching her playing with her sister (6.5yo) and she just stopped, came over to enterence of the net and laughed and said 'you're fat mummy'

Now, she's not wrong. My height to weight puts me at morbidly obese. But I have no idea where she would have gotten that from? I don't call myself fat out loud because I'm very aware of putting my insecurities onto them etc.

She will be 5 in a few weeks. How do I deal with this? My DH spoke up before I could and explained why it isn't nice to call people fat etc. I won't bring it up again unless she does, but what do I say if she says it again?

OP posts:
ArriettyJones · 12/04/2020 06:22

“Yes I am, but it’s not polite to say so”?

“Yes I am but we don’t say things like that to people n case we hurt their feelings”?

“Yes I am but I want to be healthier so I am getting more exercise”?

Lots of options, but I don’t think you should be harsh with her about it. She’s just verbalising something she has noticed. She’s at the age when children notice differences.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/04/2020 06:24

It’s not polite to comment on how someone looks. Just keep repeating that

Original poster
Emcont · 12/04/2020 06:29

I definitely wont be harsh, I don't think she really knew what she was saying.

I'll just reiterate what's been said, thanks!

OP posts:
CherryValanc · 12/04/2020 06:29

If she (usually) goes to school she will have heard the word there from other children. Children can hear or witness something and not vocalise it immediately. It's like it's been waiting in line for them to process it!

Certainly won't have been done to be mean.

HMSSophie · 12/04/2020 06:48

At 5 she won't be aware of the negative load that the word fat carries, or the use of it as an insult. It's a descriptor for her, like funny or brown eyes or long hair

ooooohbetty · 12/04/2020 06:51

She's a child and just saying it as she sees it. You are fat. As said above, just tell her it's unkind to say that to anyone. It's no big deal.

AmelieTaylor · 12/04/2020 07:06

It's an observation, like your dress is blue, the car is fast. It hurts, but only because of our feelings about it.

She hasn't necessarily 'gotten it' from anywhere - especially as you say you don't think she really knew what she was saying. Tall, fat, fast, red, - none of its weighted until we make it so.

I'm sorry though, it still stings when you know they've noticed (even when they're not judging, just noticing) 🌷

footprintsintheslow · 12/04/2020 07:11

I did this to my mam 40 years ago and I honestly cringe looking back regularly. I was think of it only two days ago.

But I remember doing it clearly. I said "why are you so fat?" And my mam said "because I never lost the weight after being pregnant." I've also felt bad about it ever since.

She will not have meant any malice I'm sure. I didn't, I was very matter of fact about it and I don't know where I got it from either. School I would imagine.

MarthasGinYard · 12/04/2020 07:11

Not sure what your AIBU Is

It is just an observation at that age.

MotherOfAllNameChanges · 12/04/2020 07:14

Kids just say what they see OP.
My youngest climbed in to bed the other morning for a cuddle, looked up at me & said "Mummy, why do you have a moustache?"
I got the wax out that morning 🤣

Petiolaris · 12/04/2020 07:15

You’re fat, she’s just saying what she sees. Children haven’t learned that it’s not polite to mention it.

MsTSwift · 12/04/2020 07:16

My 10 year old tries to do lovely compliments “your clothes look nicer somehow now there is less of you”

daisypond · 12/04/2020 07:17

But I have no idea where she would have gotten that from?
This is an odd comment. You’re putting it at the same level as if she came out with a load of effing and blinding. It’s just an observation that she has made herself.

Umnoway · 12/04/2020 07:18

Five year olds don’t generally have a filter, she won’t have realised calling someone fat can be offensive and rude. Just reiterate if she says it again that it’s not friendly to call someone fat.

KatherineJaneway · 12/04/2020 07:18

As pp said you tell her it isn't polite to comment on how other people look. Keep repeating.

Sorry though, it must have hurt Flowers

Original poster
Emcont · 12/04/2020 07:19

@daisypond What I meant by that was that I've never called anyone fat around them or referred to someone as being fat. So I didn't know where she had gotten the connection between fat and calling someone that. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
FrenchBoule · 12/04/2020 07:22

My son said “your belly’s huge mum” and started laughing.
I lifted my top and looked. Wore jeggings that contained most of my jelly top but the rest was spilling over it 😳
That’s it. Diet then.

I presume eating kids leftovers in order to not to waste any food doesn’t do my waist any favour, quite opposite.
Add a biscuit here, a glass or 2 of wine, less moving than usual due to lockdown and the weight starts creeping up.

Am I offended? No. DS just stated the fact. However outrageous and rude it is he’s right and I’m grateful for it,time to reduce amount of crap going into my mouth.

I still wouldn’t like him to say it to anybody else.

Imapotato · 12/04/2020 07:22

“Well so I am, what do ya know”

Gwynfluff · 12/04/2020 07:26

I’ve also had my 12 year old comment on my ‘beard’ while in lockdown and when one of them was younger I was stirring some gravy and it was at the lumpy stages and they commented ‘that looks like your tummy, mummy’. Little kids often say what they see, I’m afraid. The 12 year old had a bit of intent though !

daisypond · 12/04/2020 07:27

@Emcot
Are you saying she doesn’t know the word “fat” or what it means? Even if you’ve never used that word, has she never come across it in a book or school or nursery? Fat, thin, tall, small, blue, red, etc, are everyday words.

TheWordmeister · 12/04/2020 07:27

She won’t know it’s pejorative. She’s just stating it as fact.

HeffalumpsCantDance · 12/04/2020 07:30

Children say what they see, your oldest is at school, unless you home educate. She’ll have heard the word.
Your DH has the right approach.

MsTSwift · 12/04/2020 07:30

Could it spur you on? I had a routine medical and my bmi was 27 so firmly in the overweight category. Was the push I needed 4 months later bmi 21 and I’m 2 stone lighter.

Scott72 · 12/04/2020 07:32

Unless you are prepared to lock her in a room with no books or devices, she's going to pick up such words and their meanings.

It doesn't sound like she was being malicious. I vaguely remember inadvertently saying such thoughtless things when I was very young too. Just gently remind her its not nice to comment on people's appearance like that.

FlowerArranger · 12/04/2020 07:34

Out of the mouths of babes... Wink

Wake-up call perhaps? Flowers