Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My child called me fat...

127 replies

Emcont · 12/04/2020 06:18

She was on the trampoline, I was laying on the sun lounger watching her playing with her sister (6.5yo) and she just stopped, came over to enterence of the net and laughed and said 'you're fat mummy'

Now, she's not wrong. My height to weight puts me at morbidly obese. But I have no idea where she would have gotten that from? I don't call myself fat out loud because I'm very aware of putting my insecurities onto them etc.

She will be 5 in a few weeks. How do I deal with this? My DH spoke up before I could and explained why it isn't nice to call people fat etc. I won't bring it up again unless she does, but what do I say if she says it again?

OP posts:
MotherofDinosaurs · 12/04/2020 14:24

Instead of using reinforcing her that fat is a bad word, why not use this as an opportunity to not give her a body image problem.
Fat is not a bad word. It's just a descriptor. It's true. Rather than deny it, it's surely far better to accept it and change the narrative. Better to be fat than be unkind, boring or miserable.
My five year old occasionally points out that I'm fat. I am a bit fat, so I just agree, laugh and cuddle him. It's no different to him saying someone is tall or short.
Some of us live in fat bodies. And that's fine.

Duvetday8 · 12/04/2020 14:57

But by your own admission you are fat. Why not do something about that rather than shaming your child for stating the truth

CheddarGorgeous · 12/04/2020 15:02

Fat is not a bad word. Fat people are not bad people. But being fat is generally less desirable for health outcomes. I don't think we should lie to ourselves about that.

fairyfingers · 12/04/2020 15:08

Hmmmmm

I am a bit fat. Dd2 who is 10 likes to wobble my tummy and say it's squidgy. I don't mind. I remember my favourite bit of my mum was her upper arms (which were the only chunky bit of her).

What I do mind and have repeatedly told my dds is that fat is not an insult. How someone looks does not determine their worth and being fat does not mean they are not worthy of respect.

I call my dds out if I hear them using fat as an insult which they both do on occasion to each other. They are both v skinny so fat is meant to judge and insult and I'm not having that.

fairyfingers · 12/04/2020 15:10

Pressed post too soon!

We do talk about the importance of healthy diet, being strong etc and that being fat isn't brilliant for health. But it's a fact not an insult.

crispysausagerolls · 12/04/2020 16:30

For me, I feel fat if I’m above 9 stone! I don’t see what’s wrong with that. My size 8 jeans become snug and I carry extra weight on my face etc then. I think people have different ideas maybe about what “fat” actually is, but certainly no need to be rude to me about it. I don’t like to have extra bits here and there - I just don’t! Those for me feel like fat bits.

I seem to have hit a few nerves, which wasn’t my intention!

ArriettyJones · 12/04/2020 16:33

For me, I feel fat if I’m above 9 stone!

Hmm Here we go.

Do you sometimes have a single square of good quality dark chocolate on public holidays?

crispysausagerolls · 12/04/2020 16:35

No! I’m
Actually a pretty big glutton - but if I want a huge piece of cake that’s my lunch. Not sure I have the healthiest attitude towards food at all I was just responding to a poster who was saying weight ISNT subjective. I think it is.

ArriettyJones · 12/04/2020 16:40

Of course “fat” is not subjective. If it was, we wouldn’t have scales, BMI charts, tape measures, “pinching an inch” and so on Confused

Fat certainly isn’t the feeling that your size 8 jeans are slightly too tight and your face has filled out a tiny bit. There are other words for that.

If you think the appropriate word that is “fat” you’re dysmorphic or just deranged.

crispysausagerolls · 12/04/2020 16:43

I feel fat like that, yes! Again, perhaps not best relationship with food.

Anyway not going to keep commenting as 1) I do see your point actually and 2) I don’t want to derail thread further.

I do think fat is subjective though. Not medically perhaps, but certainly what people find attractive or see as fat. Some people see a muffin top or rolls as fat. Some people see somebody with a lot of excess weight as curvy, not fat. It Has always been this way - people finding different weight/fat levels acceptable/attractive or not in different times.

MsTSwift · 12/04/2020 16:48

I disagree. People can think what they like but factually if your bmi is in the normal range you are not “fat” you just aren’t. What others with disordered thinking on this think is utterly irrelevant.

lovepickledlimes · 12/04/2020 16:51

@crispysausagerolls I think I see what you mean. In certain countries a size 14 would be considered large and in some it is still seen as average.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/04/2020 16:52

For me, I feel fat if I’m above 9 stone! I don’t see what’s wrong with that. My size 8 jeans become snug It is better to say you don't feel yourself or comfortable in clothes. You certainly wouldn't be fat by any standard. I do understand what you mean, I have put in a stone since lockdown I am not fat but I can feel the extra weight as I sit it makes me feel uncomfortable, I have a small tyre. I had to jump into my usual jeans the other day.

PumpkinP · 12/04/2020 16:58

Tbh I do agree with @crispysausagerolls and I say that as
Someone who is fat! A lot of people I know think size 12 is fat, when my friend put on weight she was a size 12 and kept saying how huge and massive she was. (Whereas I would love to be a size 12 and wouldn’t want to be smaller)

MsTSwift · 12/04/2020 17:06

Sorry hits a nerve have had to talk quite firmly to a family member repeatedly bemoaning “im fat” in front of my two pre and early teen girls - I think it’s damaging frankly. Far worse than anyone being abit over weight and just getting on with it.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/04/2020 17:09

I remember asking why my eldest cousins partner had a turn in his eyes, I remember the shock, the adults answer no he hasn't so I went on a little more.
I was about 6 I still cringe 30 odd years later. It is horrible when you realise you've hurt an adult with words but a good lesson.

Greenpop21 · 12/04/2020 17:18

@crispysausagerolls I feel uncomfortable or ‘not me’ when I put more than 5-6 lbs on but I know I’m still not fat. Being unable to fit into size 8 jeans does not make you fat. You know size 8 is small so just stop!

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 12/04/2020 17:25

My daughter (7) used the word wide to describe me the other day as she thought fat was offensive. I'd have preferred fat.

Paddington68 · 12/04/2020 17:31

You say it's not polite to comment on how people look.
She's not too young to understand this.

Fluffycloudland77 · 12/04/2020 17:45

@SimonJT

It gives us something to aim for. Also easier to vanity size eg I’m a standard size 10 in 1996. Now I’m about half a stone heavier but I’m now a 6-8. But, a 12 in knickers.

Bonkers.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/04/2020 19:08

Children do say what they see unfortunately. It shuts down any talk around obesity in the future if they believe it is a negative discussion.

KatherineJaneway · 13/04/2020 06:50

For me, I feel fat if I’m above 9 stone! I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

Because your inference is that anyone above that weigh at that height is fat and that is simply not true.

lovelydream · 13/04/2020 07:11

But by your own admission you are fat - your child has just called it as she has seen it

Maybe this should be the wake up call you need to lose weight - if not for you but for your child.

Being obese causes a multitude of health issues and you shouldn't be teaching your child that it's ok to be morbidly obese

YouDoYou18 · 13/04/2020 07:14

You’ve got plenty of replies on how to handle it but I just wanted to say sorry OP, that must have made you feel crappy! Flowers

Mittens030869 · 13/04/2020 07:32

When my DD2 was in reception or year one (she was 5, I remember that), she once told me that one of her friends had said that her mum had told her that my DD's mummy (i.e. me Grin) was fat. That was embarrassing, but i was touched that my DD was upset that her friend's mum had said this. (I wasn't bothered on my own behalf, actually, as her friend's mum isn't a friend of mine, but I was sorry that my DD was being teased about it.)

Other than that, both my DDs have asked why I have a big tummy in the past, but we have taught them not to say that now, so at least we know they won't say it to anyone else. (They're both slim and fit, and are good at gymnastics, so my weight hasn't negatively impacted on them, thankfully.)

So I would just agree that you're fat, but making such comments isn't polite and she must never say that about anyone else.