I’ve told 4 friends that I’m struggling and they have all said the same thing

[IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece]

All 4 have DC, I don’t. They have all said “oh try having kids when you can’t leave the house” “oh I wish I had your problems, it’s a madhouse here” “you don’t know how lucky you have it!” “Honestly, don’t moan it’s even harder with kids”

I’m a nanny 60pw, I’m used to having noise and a bit of chaos, a small kid hanging off of me or on me, being busy, having a conversation with a small child or 3 (occasionally a parent!). I’ve been furloughed and I live alone. I am incredibly lonely and am really struggling without physical contact (I mean a hug or just being close to someone!) or anyone to talk to face to face. It’s painful how lonely this is.

I’ve FaceTimed some friends but they obviously have other things they need to do so we don’t Talk for long.

I feel like I am being unreasonable because it is harder with kids all the time I’m sure but fucking hell, the silence around me is deafening.

And so many people are in the same position as me, I don’t for a second think I’m special or the only one feeling this way but I didn’t expect to feel so unreasonable

YANBU. Sometimes being 'stuck' in the house with my DCs melts my brain but I feel so lucky to have them to hug. I wouldn't say the things your friends said to you, that's mean. In fact if I were in your position I'd be telling them how lucky they are! Hopefully this will all be over soon and you can go back to the exciting job that you seem to love and here's a virtual hug... it's free!!

Have you checked to see if there are any voluntary groups near you helping out vulnerable people? If so maybe you could join up to keep busy. We have a local one, I'm helping out next week fielding phone calls from people requiring help with shopping/prescriptions. They can usually be found on Facebook.

I'm really sorry you're finding this tough, OP.

My Dad lives alone, and he's really struggling. I'm phoning him every day, and have got my DDs sending him messages but he's very miserable. The longer this goes on for, the more worried I am.

I'm going to be a bit tough here and say your friends don't sound that empathetic. If this weird time has shown me anything, it's who matters

YANBU at all! I am incredibly grateful to have my dh and kids for company when I am home and my NHS job keeping me busy most of the week anyway! I think some people just like to always believe they are the worst off for some reason!

I think most people will be struggling.

Loneliness
Needing space from kids
Missing friends
Missing family
Missing routine
Needing time to yourself
Clashing with your partner.

It's absolutely rubbish either way. One of the best qualities a person can have is understanding other people's points of view. Presuming your circumstances are much worse without asking yourself why is ignorant.

Being on your own in all this is horrible. It's not healthy for mental health this lockdown. We are expected to ignore it and just be thankful we are safe. But it's still rubbish for our minds.

You are as equally allowed to feel the stress of all this.

Don't get me wrong a morning in bed watching Netflix with a cuppa would be nice. But that's it. I wouldn't want to be alone constantly.

I’m so glad of my full house during this time. Your friends are being thoughtless x

I think everyone nowadays are heroes. Nobody ever thought we would be in solitary confinement at some point in our lives. Or locked up with other people that, no matter how much we love them, we are probably hartily sick of seeing. Some of us have it easier than others. But each struggle is a struggle for life, for life for all and every struggle is important.

I think the idea of volunteering is great, OP, and I hope you get taken on.

Friends have been OK to me, but there's a few idiots on social media saying we shouldn't complain, it's not like we have to to go to war and on and on.
I agree that it's shit. I'm scared I won't be able to talk to people when this is over as I will have fallen out of the habit. Video calls help a bit, but people don't always want to do that with me :(

Your friends are dickheads.
I have a husband and a young child, I'm finding it really fucking hard, and I am also able to acknowledge that it must be very hard indeed for people who live alone.
It's not a competition.

I’m on my own too, middle aged, no kids.
I have nice friends but ultimately I’m on my own. Thank heavens for my dogs. Would go nuts without them.

Sorry to hear you're so alone OP. I have a friend in a similar situation and she's also finding it very hard.
The rules on furlough changed last week - you can work (and get paid) as long as it's not for the employer who furloughed you. You may fall into another tax bracket though so be careful. Farms are crying out for pickers, there's loads of volunteering opportunities - shopping for vulnerable people, phoning lonely isolated people etc. Hope things improve for you. The changes are:
^Over the weekend the Government issued further clarification around JRS and furloughed employees and one of the updates says that:
If furloughed employees work for another employer during the hours they would normally be working for the employer who has furloughed them, payments by HMRC will be paid even if the employee picks up other work. The employee will receive the furlough payments from the first employer and their normal wages from the new employer. The government details only prevent the employee from doing any work for the same employer that has furloughed them.^

Do you have a dbs? What about doing some volunteer work?

No one has it easy. I have a friend who’s kids are going to their other parent next week and he is wondering what he’s going to do when alone all week. I must admit I was a bit envious at first imagining chilling with a cook in the garden and catching up on tv and having a big clean and tidy up but it must be incredibly lonely and I’d only like it for a day or two before I’d be wishing for them back again!!

Of course YANBU. Different challenges, NOT “less”. I say that as someone with 3 kids and struggling with lack of time to myself - but my struggles do not trump yours just because I am a mum FFS.

Absolutely can’t stand all the competitive misery shit.

(((socially distanced hug))) (Sorry it can’t be a real one!)

I think YANBU to struggle but neither are your friends. It’s not helpful to dismiss anyone’s struggles as harder than your own at the minute. They shouldn’t dismisses yours and you shouldn’t dismisses theirs.
Because of my own situation right now, I’m most able to identify with and relate to your friends but I can also empathise with you.
I think the common struggle that we all have is that we have lost our freedom and our ability to choose. Your friends can’t choose time alone right now and you can’t choose time with people. We’ve all lost our norm and our balance. None of us were prepared for this and it’s just hard.

I’m sending you a hug and hoping you find comfort in this thread and a way to find a meaningful connection in real life until this is all over... which it will be...

YANBU at all, OP. I have a number of single teacher friends who live alone and they are all quite lonely and missing their classes.

YANBU. I am so grateful that I have my DC and DH with me at the moment. I have a good friend who is single and lives alone in a flat and I know how tough she's finding it. Your friends are being highly insensitive 💐

Yanbu. They are very inconsiderate ignore them. I hope thing's get easier for you.

OP, it's rubbish. I'm so sorry.

I do have teenagers (which is its own story of lockdown rubbishness in itself), but so what? Lockdown is horrible for all of us.

When my DC were small and I was a SAHM, I was friends with several nannies at toddler group, pre-prep etc. Their lives revolved around the children in their care in just the same way as mine did when my DC were small. I can only imagine that it feels as if someone has cut off your arms, OP.

I am so sorry you feel lonely, and can well imagine why. I know this is no help at all, but I am sending you solidarity.

Oh God, I'm sorry but serotonin or no, that would just make me feel worse. I'm so alone I have to hug myself? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Seconded!

YANBU. As others have said, you're all struggling with different aspects of this and one isn't easier than the other. I would say in their defense, that probably for some people with kids 24/7 what you're describing might sound 'easier' on the surface and that's why they're brushing it off? However loneliness is real and your feelings are valid.

I have kids and I don't think it makes it harder. It fills the time. I'm a person who is happy with their own company, but I can see that it would be harder to be alone. Take care of yourself.

Yanbu. Lockdown (not in uk so not as restrictive) with a family is much easier than when I first moved here, couldnt speak the language, had nothing to do do, nowhere to go and dp was working all hours. The loneliness was bone crushing. I find podcasts and radio keep me company in a way that tv doesnt.

It depends how you are as a person really. I'm all alone at home and I absolutely love it. I never feel lonely.

Exactly. I'm a bit sick of people feeling sorry for those who live alone - we are not all the same! I live alone, and I'm perfectly happy. I have been unemployed for a while, so am used to being home a lot - but even when I went from a full-time job to being at home I was happy.

I'm not trivialising how you feel OP because as I said we are not all the same, and obviously some people who are alone are struggling. Just making the point that not all of us who live alone need sympathy - I would probably be climbing the walls if I was lockdown with another person.

I think empathy towards being stuck in the house with kids is deserved, as is empathy for being stuck in the house alone. They are very different scenarios but both have their difficulties and challenges. It's exhausting having a toddler to entertain constantly (whilst WFH too), no down time etc. It's nice for a short time to have some peaceful solo time, but horrendous for extended periods of time with little to no company. Its important not to let it turn it into a competition of who has it worse as that road just leads to resentment.

However you're spending lockdown its draining on your mental health and physical health - everyone needs compassion and support at this time. Sending hugs