NC for this.
I just had the most horrible conversation with my DS (sister). Online, as we live in different countries. I live in the UK andmy DS still lives in our home country (in Europe), as well as my DF (father) and my mother.
The thing we were disagreeing about was our upbringing. I remember it being abusive, my DS remembers a struggling single mother and me, a dragon of a teenager, who our mother understandably lashed out to. Thus, any ‘abuse’ was my fault, according to my DS.
The first time my mother hit me was when I was 8. She said she wanted to use money I got for Christmas or birthday or something else, can’t quite remember, to buy clothes. I, an 8 year old, exclaimed that she can’t waste the money on that. She then hit me square in the face. I ran crying to my room and my mother followed me and apologised. Fine, I forgave her, it was a slap. But it escalated from there. More and more incidents happened. I would accidentally spill some yoghurt on the floor and she would scream at me and push my nose in it, like a dog. Then when I started crying she mocked me. Another time my sister and I were playing in the bedroom and she told us to be quiet. We then, after she left the room, went on whispering about her behind her back. She then (as she had been listening at the door) came storming back in, and one at a time, beat us with her fists, whilst shouting at us. You get the picture. As I grew up in this environment, I became more and more rebellious and volatile (no drugs, no crime, but shouting back at my mother when she once again lost the plot). Unfortunately as a result I got hit more and more. She would try to strangle me, drag me by my hair across the floor whilst hurling abuse at me, bite me, beat me with her fists etc. The more she did this the more I would talk back and call her names. My DS and I would fight too. We were shown violence was the answer so we acted this out. The fighting among us is another thing my DS solely blames on me btw. When I tell her that it was both of us and she was also violent towards me, she said that it was in defence and because I taught her, claiming herself as the innocent. Conveniently she doesn’t see the parallels (being shown the example) between my mother and us.
It finally stopped when one day, at 16, when my mother ran towards me again, fists clenched, to beat me, and I slapped her in the face and screamed she would never touch me again. That was the first and the last time that I slapped my mother.
A couple of years back I cut my mother out of my life completely and my life has never been better. I still have issues with low confidence etc. But I have had many sessions with a counsellor and I’m getting there. My DS is still in touch with our mother and we never talk about what happened.Until today. She claims I made it all up and that I was the one who was aggressive and the cause of any violence by either my mother or herself. This view is certainly enforced by my mother constantly telling me I was horrible, she wished I had never been born, and blaming me for her violence.
My DS believes that I was a monster as a teenager and that I brought everything on myself. That it was all my fault and my mother and DS were innocent bystanders. That if I wasn’t a ‘bad’ child/teenager nothing would have happened. She goes between this and claiming it didn’t happen full stop. Her proof for this: she was there, therefore she remember it correctly and I do not.
I’m not trying to paint myself as completely innocent, when my DS and I fought it was both our faults, and I yes I would shout abuse at my mother, but by that point I really hated her for what she had been doing to me. But I resent the fact that my DS claims that everything that happened is solely my fault. Whereas I believe that my DS and I were both victims. She’s just dealing with things differently. Thing is, from talking with friends I wasn't even out of the ordinary as a child/teenager but they didn't get hit and called names and I did.
I have tried telling my DS that her interpretation is textbook behaviour from someone who survived/witnessed childhood abuse and that her denial is only her way of trying to protect herself against the truth. Thing is she can cope with what happened how she wishes, but I draw the line at her telling me that the abuse was my fault. I have worked too hard on myself for years, and I will not have someone tell me that abuse is the victim’s fault, in order to protect themself, not even my DS. She refuses to read any articles which explain why siblings may remember abuse differently, or blame the victim. She categorically blames me.
How do we move on from this. We had a good relationship prior to this. But she will not back down from defending our mother in this and I will not accept her putting the blame at my feet.
As sometimes I do wonder whether everything was my fault, I put an AIBU:
AIBU the abuse was my fault/it probably didn’t happen
YANBU the abuse was not my fault, as I was a child, no matter how ‘difficult’
Thank you.