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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so upset by Dh

122 replies

PeepeeDarling · 08/04/2020 06:51

Together for years and years 2 dc. Last year was chaotic for various - relocations, new jobs, schools, house extension when we did move, etc
For all these reasons and more when I fell pregnant by accident (contraception fail) after putting in our notices at previous work we made the really difficult decision to medically abort. I was (and still am) gutted about that decision I feel guilty a lot about it and often think about what our 3rd child would have been like - they’d be 7 months by now.
Anyway for a long time after I didn’t want to have sex with Dh(we’ve done it once since last year) Before all this lockdown happened he had arranged an appointment with dr and is sorting out getting a vasectomy.
Last night we were getting close and about to have sex when I asked him to put a condom on he said ‘I’d rather not it’s not as good’ and I said if you don’t then I’m not doing it- not going through that again.
He then said won’t bother then it’s not as good with it on and went to sleep.
I’ve just told him this morning he’s upset and annoyed me and he said why it’s nothing to do with you (?! What?) it’s just my preference that’s all.
He can be the most caring gentle man but in other ways obviously not caring at all.
We’ve been together for years but honestly that’s surprised me.

OP posts:

Furrydogmum · 08/04/2020 06:56

Not at all, I'd struggle to lift my libido for such a selfish arse!

Original poster

PeepeeDarling · 08/04/2020 07:05

Thank you furry

OP posts:

Original poster

PeepeeDarling · 08/04/2020 07:20

OP posts:

BalanchineBallet · 08/04/2020 07:31

Hang on, you issued a choice, put one on or abstain. He chose to abstain. Isn’t that one of the two scenarios you gave him?

Original poster

PeepeeDarling · 08/04/2020 07:48

Yes it was that’s correct. He instigated the whole situation last night I’ve been clear on several occasions we would not be having sex without s condom until after his vasectomy. He knew what my reaction was going to be at best he might have hoped I’d go along with it and we’d avoid the situation we were in last year?! I don’t know what he was thinking

OP posts:

Whatevah · 08/04/2020 07:50

It’s about intimacy for me. Closeness and being together. You could have had fun and enjoyed each other with out having sex? At certain times I haven’t felt able to have actual sex and have told DH so we have just done other stuff. I’d be hurt if he just said oh ok and turned over.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/04/2020 07:51

Well if he wants any sex he had better get his head round putting a condom on!

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/04/2020 07:51

Balanchine
Have a bit of compassion. This did not have to be a binary choice. He chose it to be this way. Very selfish.

Peepee
YANBU This behaviour puts the guilt back on you. Guilt if you need an abortion from having sex vs guilt for not pleasuring him.

ArriettyJones · 08/04/2020 07:52

Is he normally completely insensitive? Is he not scare of another unplanned pregnancy himself?

Whatever the case, YANBU, he sounds like he was being a complete arse,

onanothertrain · 08/04/2020 07:56

You gave him an option and he made his choice based on that. Obviously he can't get a vasectomy at the moment and is choosing not to use condoms. Either you abstain or you do something about contraception.

TiredofSM · 08/04/2020 07:59

Urgh. Is it really that difficult to use a condom? I’m guessing he’s got some sort of issue sustaining an erection with one on.
You did the right thing for you, but I’d also feel pretty rejected by his attitude.
I know for certain I don’t want any more kids. I wanted DH to get a vasectomy but he refused for many reasons.
I had the coil implanted but as it’s not 100% I ask him to use condoms too and he does. He says it does affect his pleasure, but he still wears them if he wants intercourse. That’s the deal.
The fact your DH can’t see why his actions were hurtful is the issue here.

pocketem · 08/04/2020 08:03

Think you're being unfair. You gave him two choices, he took one. Did you want him to force him to have sex with you even though he said he didn't enjoy it with a condom?

PegasusReturns · 08/04/2020 08:07

I think he was an arse.

Contraception is invariably about compromise. He refused to compromise whilst being thoroughly insensitive about the reasons why you would not want to have sex without a condom.

ArriettyJones · 08/04/2020 08:10

Think you're being unfair. You gave him two choices, he took one. Did you want him to force him to have sex with you even though he said he didn't enjoy it with a condom?

Oh PLEASE.

OP is not a blow up sex doll. She is not an object. She has feelings. She is still emotionally recovering from an abortion. Sex is about intimacy and affection as well as physical need.

This is not a scenario where he wanted sole pie and she said “sorry only cherry pie left” and he said “no thanks, it’s apple or nothing”.

He wanted to do something that would risk further pregnancy and maybe another abortion, she reiterated no sex without a condom and he acted in a really hurtful way. She wanted to use a condom, not a diving bell. What’s so terrible about condoms anyway? Sheesh.

Hermanfromguesswho · 08/04/2020 08:12

I think the point is that he shouldn’t have had to be given the two choices.
The OP has struggled with coming to terms with the abortion for over a year and their sex life has clearly suffered as a result. The husband should be showing empathy and making his wife feel as supported and relaxed as possible NOT having to be TOLD that it’s not on to risk another Possible pregnancy and abortion. When he does have to be told that that’s not on he then says it’s not worth having sex then. WTF

Kittykat93 · 08/04/2020 08:24

So the husband would rather risk the heartache of another pregnancy /abortion knowing how much pain its caused his wife? When he could just wear a condom? He's a dick.

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2020 08:27

He knows that you decided not to have a third child so unless circumstances have changed then surely he knows he has to wear a condom. Is he usually stupid?

SallyWD · 08/04/2020 08:29

Usually I'd say he's selfish but as he's sorting out a vascetomy then he's not so bad - he's not expecting you to take responsibility for contraception. He's will to take this responsibility on himself. Like a pp said you could have been intimate in other ways.

JasonPollack · 08/04/2020 08:30

He's a dick. Why would he want to put you through the worry of unprotected sex.

MayTheGodsBeEverInYourFavour · 08/04/2020 08:33

He's being ridiculous, and selfish. He instigated sex. He refused to wear a condom. He knows a third child is not a viable option. Neither would an abortion be, potentially, for quite a while. What exactly did he think was going to happen last night?

rubberoftheband · 08/04/2020 08:38

YANBU!

That would upset me for various reasons!

He knows you're struggling with the termination and do not want the situation to happen again.
He knows pre vasectomy that condoms are required, his behaviour was coercive.
It's not just his sex life, ok he didn't want to wear a condom, other options are a available and it didn't matter to him that you might want to continue with sex without PIV. So if he doesn't get 100% what he wants then your sex life is off the table?

Sorry that's really bad behaviour by him.

picklemewalnuts · 08/04/2020 08:41

I think that's really revolting. He was all set to take that risk, with your health?

There is no way he should be initiating unsafe sex!
If he doesn't want a condom on, then he finds something else to do.

Flabbergasted at him, and at pps saying 'you gave him the choice of two options'.

No, you protected yourself from his unsafe behaviour.

Incrediblytired · 08/04/2020 08:43

I don’t see why he tried to instigate unprotected sex. That was unacceptable of him give what you’ve been through.

MatildaTheCat · 08/04/2020 08:52

YANBU. He hasn’t got the message that unprotected sex is not an option. Talk to him when you are away from the bedroom and explain that it’s deeply hurtful that he would even consider doing this ‘because it feels better’.

If and when you ever feel inthe mood again it might be worth agreeing upfront that until he has had the vasectomy PIV is off the agenda.

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/04/2020 08:52

YABU
So he’s delayed getting a vasectomy due to the COVID situation. You aborted a year ago. So why are you insisting on the one method of contraception that is one of the least effective at preventing pregnancy and also affects pleasure of one of the participants? (For the record, as a woman I hate condoms as they affect my pleasure too. So I can understand him having that preference as well).
There are 15 choices of contraception available for free on the NHS and condoms are only one. You’ve jointly had a year to sort out an interim form of contraception that would be acceptable to both of you. Why insist on condoms? He’s not unreasonable by rejecting one of fifteen choices.
Why not the pill, or injection, or patch, or implant, or IUD, or female condom?

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