To be so upset by Dh

[PeepeeDarling]

Together for years and years 2 dc. Last year was chaotic for various - relocations, new jobs, schools, house extension when we did move, etc
For all these reasons and more when I fell pregnant by accident (contraception fail) after putting in our notices at previous work we made the really difficult decision to medically abort. I was (and still am) gutted about that decision I feel guilty a lot about it and often think about what our 3rd child would have been like - they’d be 7 months by now.
Anyway for a long time after I didn’t want to have sex with Dh(we’ve done it once since last year) Before all this lockdown happened he had arranged an appointment with dr and is sorting out getting a vasectomy.
Last night we were getting close and about to have sex when I asked him to put a condom on he said ‘I’d rather not it’s not as good’ and I said if you don’t then I’m not doing it- not going through that again.
He then said won’t bother then it’s not as good with it on and went to sleep.
I’ve just told him this morning he’s upset and annoyed me and he said why it’s nothing to do with you (?! What?) it’s just my preference that’s all.
He can be the most caring gentle man but in other ways obviously not caring at all.
We’ve been together for years but honestly that’s surprised me.

It sort of reads like you think he was an arse for not wanting sex on your terms.

It sort of doesn't! It reads like your shocked that the twat wanted unprotected sex and to potentially have another unwanted pregnancy!

@CoalCraft... No it’s doesn’t read like she’s annoyed for not wanting sex on her terms. Not. At. All.
It reads he didn’t give a shit if she got pregnant again and op was pissed off for that.

Interestedwoman That isn’t manipulative fs. If he only wants to have sex without a conform, that is his choice. Op can choose not to have sex unless he wears one, both choices are valid. The result is they didn’t have sex, no one forced anyone to do anything. There isn’t an issue here. Just withhold from sex until he has a vasectomy, it’s not that deep.

@SleepyNightOwl so why did he have foreplay when he knew exactly what the situation was, to try to manipulate her, either wise why even start? I think if you're honest you'd know he was hoping she'd give in and go ahead and just hope she didn't get pregnant, have a further termination and have deal with the consequences. That's manipulative FFS!

hesgotit he did not try to get he deliberately pregnant, stop reading into shit that isn’t there. Fucking hell.

@SleepyNightOwl unprotected sex leads to pregnancy fucking hell surely you're aware of that? He wanted unprotected sex with his DP!

What manipulating? Honestly, so he chose not to have sex without a condom? Has he been respectful to you OP, supporting you whilst you didn't want to DTD all this time, not pressuring you before you were ready?
What contraception failed before anyway. Maybe they both felt the same, or shock horror, maybe the OP instigated it.

hesgotit why did the op allow the foreplay then if you want to get into that. If he should know she only wants sex with a condom then he should also know she won’t have sex without one. Both in the wrong to attempt anything then.

Sorry, I muddled up my last comment there. I meant, if he has to know she won’t have sex without them she should know he will only have sex with a condom. Therefore any engagement in foreplay from either of them was wrong according to you.

It's not just his sex life, ok he didn't want to wear a condom, other options are a available and it didn't matter to him that you might want to continue with sex without PIV. So if he doesn't get 100% what he wants then your sex life is off the table?

Hold up. Op has said that she hasn't wanted to have sex for a year - so that's ok? So it's ok for op to take sex off the agenda and not care about him wanting it but not ok the other way round?

Would it be ok for a man to force a woman to use s particular form of contraception? No it wouldn't.

He wanted sex without a condom, op didn't. Fair enough.

In the kindest way, perhaps he isn't as emotionally attached / still troubled by the termination? Has he moved past it? So didn't realise why it would upset you?

so why did he have foreplay when he knew exactly what the situation was,

Seriously, what is this thread?

So, if a woman starts having foreplay then she has to have sex does she? Because you shouldn't start something if you won't finish it? Anyone can change their mind at anytime, for any reason.

I think yabu. Just like women find it hard to get intimate after a long period without, it is also hard on the man. They say that having sex increases your libido to have more, so by avoiding it for a year it will not come naturally to either of you. If he felt under pressure anyhow putting on a condom may have felt like a step too far. He is more than used to not getting any so chose that option.

I honestly think there must be more issues than just this though. Maybe you should see a marriage counsellor.

Hmm, but the OP had made it clear she isn't willing to have sex without a condom (and rightly so in this case). He knew this and at no point before did he say, 'actually I won't have sex with a condom, let's wait until the vasectomy'.

Instead he chose to disregard the OP's boundary for his benefit.

And him being so cavalier about the abortion isn't ok either seeing how it impacted the OP, he's minimising her feelings and is ultimately risking her health and well being as he clearly isn't bothered if she falls pregnant again as he isn't affected.

He’s not in the wrong to not be affected by the abortion. I get it’s not his body so he wouldn’t understand but his feelings are still his own. I wouldn’t tell a woman she is wrong for being okay with her abortion.

But you hope for your partner to put you first don’t you? His thought process should have been ‘Poor Peepee went was upset about the abortion, I’ll take care of birth control by getting a condom so she doesn’t go through it again’, not ‘I’ll try and have sex with her without a condom, let’s take another chance, she may need another abortion but it’s her body not mine’.

I’d be raging to be honest. Not because he chose not to have sex - that’s up to him - but the fact that he was more than happy to risk his partner going through that pain again for the sake of his own thrill. Says a lot about how he feels about his partner.

He'd rather risk you getting pregnant and going through an abortion again.

I’ve just told him this morning he’s upset and annoyed me and he said why it’s nothing to do with you

It would be to do with you and your body if you had to have another abortion due to him instigating & wanting sex without a condom.

Callous.

Thank you all for your msg I’m trying to process it all atm tbh. I’ve not spoken to Dh about this since he got home from work it’s too raw and yes a lot of that is wrapped up with the fact he completely underestimated how traumatic the abortion was and the aftermath (I was poorly the night after and had to take myself off to a and e and get myself home long story but it was a horrible event on top of the abortion process) so it’s a lot of feeling mixed up. We’ll have to see how it all works out not really got much choices st the minute anyway!

Just take your time OP, you've been through a lot and no doubt this has added to it all. Have a think about things, approach him about it in your own time when you feel ready.

I REALLY REALLY hate zombie films and programmes. Like they scare me stupid. DH loves them. He really really hates sappy Jane Austin remakes, I love them.

This does not mean that we never watch TV together because we can't both have 100% what we want, what it means is that we look through the options available and choose something we both want to watch together. I would never make him watch something that bores him and he would never make me watch something that scares me.

In this situation the OP did not want unprotected sex for an entirely valid reason. Her DH took this as an excuse to take sex completely off the table which is hurtful, it's like he's saying he will only spend intimate time with her if he gets to stick his dick in her on her terms only.

He could have chosen to continue with being intimate in any manner of ways that would bring pleasure to both of them rather than saying "won't bother then" and rolling over. I can completely see how the OP would feel hurt as to me, I would feel that not only was DH prioritising his pleasure over my legitimate concerns over pregnancy, but also I'm only good enough to be intimate with when he can have penetration.

Well it's ok for him because it's not him that will have to go through the stress of waiting for a period to arrive, a possible pregnancy, the physical and emotional trauma of an abortion. I expect if it was then it would be a different story.

Even once he has his doctors appointment he will have several months wait for a vasectomy appointment, including a pre op, and then will have to use contraception for several months thereafter until he's had the all clear. So if he's going to refuse condoms you're both in for a very long dry spell.