To be so upset by Dh

[PeepeeDarling]

Together for years and years 2 dc. Last year was chaotic for various - relocations, new jobs, schools, house extension when we did move, etc
For all these reasons and more when I fell pregnant by accident (contraception fail) after putting in our notices at previous work we made the really difficult decision to medically abort. I was (and still am) gutted about that decision I feel guilty a lot about it and often think about what our 3rd child would have been like - they’d be 7 months by now.
Anyway for a long time after I didn’t want to have sex with Dh(we’ve done it once since last year) Before all this lockdown happened he had arranged an appointment with dr and is sorting out getting a vasectomy.
Last night we were getting close and about to have sex when I asked him to put a condom on he said ‘I’d rather not it’s not as good’ and I said if you don’t then I’m not doing it- not going through that again.
He then said won’t bother then it’s not as good with it on and went to sleep.
I’ve just told him this morning he’s upset and annoyed me and he said why it’s nothing to do with you (?! What?) it’s just my preference that’s all.
He can be the most caring gentle man but in other ways obviously not caring at all.
We’ve been together for years but honestly that’s surprised me.

He's an arse!!!

You should have replied And abortion feels a whole lot worse than a condom you self absorbed twat'

He knew what his options were BEFORE instigating sex, if he wasn't prepared to use a condom he shouldn't have started it up.

Putting pressure on you to have unprotected sex is unforgivable in the circumstances.

Get the twat told.
'None of your business'. Who does he think he is 🤬

Ignore the people saying you gave him two choices and he chose one of them, so 🤷🏻‍♀️ Your fault. They clearly lack the ability to think about the fact that he KNEW what the situation was and was pushing you to have unprotected sex with him & no doubt would expect you to have another termination should you get pregnant

He'd be coming no where near me for quite some time displaying that attitude. Wanker.

PlanDe - you said "There are 15 choices of contraception available for free on the NHS and condoms are only one. You’ve jointly had a year to sort out an interim form of contraception that would be acceptable to both of you. Why insist on condoms? He’s not unreasonable by rejecting one of fifteen choices.
Why not the pill, or injection, or patch, or implant, or IUD, or female condom?"

All of those choices apart from the female condom (which is a high failure rate of 21%) involve either jamming extra hormones or an actual object inside a woman. I don't know about you but I don't find any of those options appealing. Hormones make me ill and I don't fancy having to have a doctors appointment to stuff a piece of wire inside my womb.

A condom involves a bloke temporarily sticking a barrier on his penis. No pain, no invasive techniques, low failure rate.

Her DH is being completely unreasonable to say he doesn't want to use the only source of contraception that will affect his pleasure rather than hers. He is literally saying that he doesn't care if she has to go through the trauma of another unplanned pregnancy as long as his 5 minutes of penis time are as good as possible.

OP - after having my second DC I knew I didn't want any more, gave DH three choices, he could wear condoms forever more, he could have a vasectomy or we would not have penetrative sex again. He picked the vasectomy and in the interim was more than happy to use condoms even though he doesn't like them.

I think it was his arsey attitude that has upset you. Yes you gave him the choice, and yes he had the right to his choice, but there is an element of selfishness there in as much he wasn't prepared to have sex WITH the condom because "it's not as nice". So, it kind of makes it all about him doesn't it, and I think this is where the problem lies. To add - if YOU wanted sex (did you?), he didn't consider your need did he, in any shape of form. There appears to be a lack of understanding on his part. Do you think he has been upset about the baby or not at all? Men don't always understand how things affect a woman, or they think it shouldn't take as long to get over, but for most women I don't think you ever really completely get over some things, you learn to cope. To get over it completely is to forget, and that's virtually impossible. When it comes to sex some men can be incredibly selfish, but at least he's prepared to have a vasectomy. Is he serious about that? Hopefully you can together work through this. It's still early days, and you both need to talk about it, or it will rumble on. Women want their men to understand them, especially with things like this, and if they don't it usually causes a rift of some sort.

What a selfish twat OP.

You had a procedure lazt year that you are still emotionally recovering from and he thinks it's nothing to do with you that he wants to put you at risk again.

Wow!

Selfish arse.
He sounds more than a bit dim OP

“Her DH is being completely unreasonable to say he doesn't want to use the only source of contraception that will affect his pleasure rather than hers.”

Condoms affect the woman’s pleasure too. I’m a woman and many of my friends who are women also do not like the feel of condoms. I never can orgasm if the man is wearing a condom. They also leave my vagina feeling raw and burning.

“He is literally saying that he doesn't care if she has to go through the trauma of another unplanned pregnancy as long as his 5 minutes of penis time are as good as possible.”

Sorry, no I do not agree with that speculation and accusation at all. He instigated intimacy. Whether it led to actual sex was up to both of them. He chose not to have sex. That’s his right to do so. Consent is consent. She did not consent to sex without a condom, and he did not consent to sex with a condom. So no sex happened. Sadly, the condom has become an ultimatum. No condom or no sex. Why? When there are 14 other contraception choices available? If both OP and DH want sex and both do not want another unplanned pregnancy, then why not have a mature adult discussion about contraception? It’s joint responsibility and both partners pleasure and preferences should be equally taken into account.

I think he was being a bit insensitive. Not in choosing to abstain over using a condom: that's his choice and fair enough. But that he instigated things knowing that you didn't want to have sex without a condom, and took it to the point where you would expect him to put a condom on, and then just stopping. Why did he bother starting things? It seems like he thought you would change your mind which isnt really fair of him to ask after what you've been through

@PlanDeRaccordement I don't think 15 options were available the other night? So why did he knowing that the only option available then try to get the OP to agree to non protected sex? That's what the OP is upset about!

I don’t understand the endless sympathising with men who “don’t like condoms”. So what if they don’t like them? It’s a temporary inconvenience to get something they do like - ie sex.

The vast majority of women “don’t like” hormonal contraceptives, invasive contraceptives, crappy pregnancies, births and the after-effects, pregnancies or children they didn’t plan for, or being expected to have the sole responsibility for all these things, yet we are supposed to suck it up because a poor man can’t be expected to put a bloody bag on it?!

I don’t really understand what the big deal is here either way tbh.

You didn’t want to without a condom, he didn’t want to with one so decided he didn’t want to anymore. So you didn’t have sex. No one was forced to do anything they didn’t want to. He just changed his mind.

What’s the problem? I don’t get it but maybe that’s just me

What @reeny19 said.

But otherwise, insensitive of him to try without a condom despite your previous discussions on the matter.

But why did he start it @reeny19 ? He knew before he started the options? I do find it odd that you think "he changed his mind", why start if you know the exact situation? Was he hoping the OP would just risk it? Why would he want that and a repeat of something that's deeply upset the OP? Just why?

You were not being unfair, he’s an arse.

Anyone saying otherwise is brainwashed

It does sound a bit like he threw the baby out with the bath water!

isnt he scared about another unplanned pregnancy?

Obviously not enough to wear a condom!

Is he a bit pissed off that he’s having to undergo a vasectomy in order to ever have sex again OP? My DH would be willing to use any barrier method if we hadn’t had sex for a year!

Maybe as another poster suggested he loses his erection with one? What about just having oral sex for now?

I don’t understand the endless sympathising with men who “don’t like condoms”. So what if they don’t like them? It’s a temporary inconvenience to get something they do like - ie sex

Wow, what a Victorian attitude

For your information, many women don't like condoms either, and they do like sex

I am not saying this to hurt you more OP, but do you think subconsciously he wants a 3rd child? Have you both talked through the feelings you have about the abortion since it happened?

She wanted to use a condom, not a diving bell. What’s so terrible about condoms anyway? Sheesh.

His body, his choice. He's allowed to decline sex, doesn't need to justify it to someone who thinks he should just go ahead with doing it in a certain way even though he doesn't like it

He's obviously being cavalier about the abortion. It wasn't his body and mind that went through that so he is not bothered about putting on a condom.

You want him to wear a condom so you don't have to go through another abortion and the associated emotions and distress.

He doesn't want to wear a condom as his thrill during sex is slightly less.

The motivation behind the actions is important.

I wouldn't want to have sex again with someone who wouldn't compromise like this.

@rubberoftheband he started because he’s a male and horny I’d expect! Also maybe he thought it would be ok? The fertile window each month is short so there is about a week each cycle where a female can be completely infertile. He’s got no way of knowing where a woman is in her cycle so with no other information available to him might try and chance it. Not a very sensible or a sensitive thing to do, but what else can he do?

I think it’s a tricky situation due to the virus as no other reliable options are available to you - you can’t see a medical professional to get any contraceptive options at all, only options available are condoms. He’s probably annoyed to as he may feel that the only options available to him are abstinence or crap sex with a condom. He doesn’t want either.

Have a chat with him and I think you’ll have to meet in the middle, do other things instead without penetration. After years of not using condoms then recently going back to them - I totally agree with your husband now, they’re crap.

The motivation behind the actions is important

No, it's not. His body, his choice. Nobody nowadays would ask a woman if they had a good reason for declining sex. No means no, you don't have the right to assess if their motivation for refusing is good enough for you.

He was a dick even trying to have sex with you without a condom, given what you went through.

Good news about the vasectomy though, I would definitely push fort hat given his willingness to play Russian roulette with your body.

He's an arse. What about 'hey love, I'm not interested in a condom, but how about I make you cum?' - the way he acted was as if it was just about his dick and his pleasure.

And why should the OP take responsibility for invasive methods of contraception because the poor pap=mpered penis won't wear a fucking condom?

And why should she not insist on a condom?

My goodness, there are some prickpleasers out there.

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring you make an interesting point, I hadn’t thought about that but it could be a possibility. Why the OP needs to have a chat with him to work this out I think.

There are ways of using the pull out method and coinciding sex with infertile times within your cycle as a form of contraception which could solve the problem during lockdown. I’ve used those methods for 4 years successfully and only became pregnant after I purposefully shifted the sex to the days I knew I was ovulating. So it worked for me and it’s now what I continue to do. BUT I’ll admit it’s risky if you don’t know what you’re doing or have irregular cycles. We also don’t mind if I fall pregnant again.

IF you both came to the conclusion that your circumstances now mean that another child would be ok then this could be an option for you. But if not and it would lead to another termination then obviously, you absolutely must NOT do this.

You want him to wear a condom so you don't have to go through another abortion and the associated emotions and distress.
He doesn't want to wear a condom as his thrill during sex is slightly less*

Exactly I feel quite sick about the whole thing to be honest- this morning he left without saying goodbye (keyworker) he knows I’m mad at him

@reeny19 but she was also horny?? So it's just his sex drive that's important!?