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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so upset by Dh

122 replies

PeepeeDarling · 08/04/2020 06:51

Together for years and years 2 dc. Last year was chaotic for various - relocations, new jobs, schools, house extension when we did move, etc
For all these reasons and more when I fell pregnant by accident (contraception fail) after putting in our notices at previous work we made the really difficult decision to medically abort. I was (and still am) gutted about that decision I feel guilty a lot about it and often think about what our 3rd child would have been like - they’d be 7 months by now.
Anyway for a long time after I didn’t want to have sex with Dh(we’ve done it once since last year) Before all this lockdown happened he had arranged an appointment with dr and is sorting out getting a vasectomy.
Last night we were getting close and about to have sex when I asked him to put a condom on he said ‘I’d rather not it’s not as good’ and I said if you don’t then I’m not doing it- not going through that again.
He then said won’t bother then it’s not as good with it on and went to sleep.
I’ve just told him this morning he’s upset and annoyed me and he said why it’s nothing to do with you (?! What?) it’s just my preference that’s all.
He can be the most caring gentle man but in other ways obviously not caring at all.
We’ve been together for years but honestly that’s surprised me.

OP posts:

KnockDownNinja · 08/04/2020 11:31

@gingersausage
It has everything to do with consent, even if you don't see that as the most important issue. He wanted sex, was given terms for the sex that he didn't agree with and decide he no longer wanted to have sex.

You can withdraw consent for any reason. Both parties here had terms for sex that the other party didn't agree with. They both decided that sex wasn't going to happen and neither party tried to force the other'a hand. That's exactly how these situations should go.

hesgotit · 08/04/2020 11:31

No @pocketem she's furious with him for attempting to get her pregnant again and the possibility of another termination.

So would I be!

Lynda07 · 08/04/2020 11:33

Why can't you buy some contraceptive pessaries? You can probably get them online.

Here you are: www.expresschemist.co.uk/Orthoform-Contraceptive-Pessaries-15x.html

You can buy all sorts of contraceptives online with quick delivery. You could use two types - like wearing a belt and braces :-).

hesgotit · 08/04/2020 11:34

@Lynda07 the DP won't wear a condom, there is no belt and braces!

Original poster

PeepeeDarling · 08/04/2020 11:35

pocket don’t put words in my mouth please at no point has ‘furious’ come into it in terms of him refusing- I was upset that he obviously was wanted to have sex without and was hoping that I would go along with it at that point.
Today I feel anger because he’s left like a coward without saying goodbye because he knows I’m upset and probably because all this has thrown up feelings I pushed down since last year- lack of support, lack of understanding of how affected I was by it, unwillingness to talk about the baby that would have been

OP posts:

pocketem · 08/04/2020 11:36

the amount of misogyny-enablers on this thread who genuinely BELIEVE men when they say "it's not as good with a condom on" it's total bollocks.

I'm a woman and I don't find it as good with a condom. Does that make me a misogynist?

LookTheOtherWayPlease · 08/04/2020 11:36

We all know there are other forms of intimacy than penis in vagina. That's not really the point. Was she supposed to say "Oh, you don't care about the risk that I could end up having to go through a physically and mentally unpleasant procedure again, okay, well let's just get each other off manually, my libido was not at all affected by your selfishness!"

This is not a time to trot out "his body his choice". He had to do one minor thing for his DW to feel comfortable but he wouldn't. Let's not be so gross as to equate a slight of lack of sensation for his poor ickle penis with the OP having to go through an abortion...

hesgotit · 08/04/2020 11:38

So do you try and get your partner to have unprotected sex @pocketem, or are you clear from outset (like OP had been)? Do you wait until the point of penetration to say not to use a condom, in the hope your partner will go along with it?

hesgotit · 08/04/2020 11:39

Well said @LookTheOtherWayPlease !

LookTheOtherWayPlease · 08/04/2020 11:40

the amount of misogyny-enablers on this thread who genuinely BELIEVE men when they say "it's not as good with a condom on" it's total bollocks.

I know. There will be a slight difference, but borderline enough that it shouldn't really be an issue. I like cinnamon on my porridge. DP said we'd run out of cinnamon and used berries instead. I guess I should have done the adult thing (according to some) and thrown the lot in the bin? It's just not as good!

reeny19 · 08/04/2020 11:41

@rubberoftheband if you know you’re ovulating and don’t want a child it’s not hard to not have sex.

Anyway. I didn’t say that the OP wasn’t up for it, i was saying that from his perspective, I can see WHY he would make the assumption that she wasn’t. which is entirely reasonable given the lack of sex for so long. Also he initiated and she didn’t, another reason for him to assume she wasn’t that bothered.

I talked about the “safe period” as I was trying to be constructive with solutions for the OP to consider. I appreciate why it might not be the best idea and I mentioned that. But if she isn’t looking for solutions and just wants the opportunity to vent about her husband then that’s ok too. Just trying to be constructive. If it’s helpful or not then that’s down to the individual

Brefugee · 08/04/2020 11:44

Did i read a different OP because i didn't see that she offered a binary (take it or leave it) choice - she didn't want PIV sex without a condom. Other types of intimacy are available.

The one who made the "take it or leave it" choice here was the 'D'H who when asked to use a condom decided not to bother. His way or nothing. What a fucker.

OP i don't blame you for worrying about an unwanted pregnancy, especially given there's going to be some sort of recession soon. Is there any way to have the "PIV isn't the only sex if you don't want to use a condom" chat with your 'D'H?

rubberoftheband · 08/04/2020 11:48

@reeny19 I don't think the OP needs your contraceptive suggestions, she's got her own, it's a condom, not unusual and safer than the "safe period" you advocated.

You may have sex to please your man, so if he decides no because he's suddenly decided that he doesn't want to use the agreed method of contraception, it wouldn't bother you, certainly for me I would never want that kind of doing it to keep him happy sex, nor would my partner want me to. A woman wanting the pleasure of sex with her partner that when it started knew it was to be with a condom then deciding he didn't want to use that is quite frankly odd! Just why would you do that?

rubberoftheband · 08/04/2020 11:52

@rubberoftheband if you know you’re ovulating and don’t want a child it’s not hard to not have sex

But she thought her DH was going to use a condom, so that was a non issue for her, my point was that she may well have been horny because she was ovulating!

CheshireChat · 08/04/2020 11:53

I agree this is a consent issue- the OP clearly and explicitly stated a boundary (condoms) which her partner chose to ignore and then got sulky when it was reinforced.

And considering the fact the OP would bear the consequences and it's something that caused her distress previously it's incredibly shitty of him.

Being horny doesn't excuse acting like an arsehole. Even if you're a man .

KnockDownNinja · 08/04/2020 12:00

@LookTheOtherWayPlease
Maybe you've had the opportunity to compare sex with a condom to sex without, but think of it this way. If her partner doesn't actively want a child but does want sex, if there was no significant difference in sensation, why would he not want to use a condom?

He's already gone a long period of time without sex, so he likely has coping mechanisms and assumes OP is comfortable going without (saying "you're not having sex without a condom does sort of present it as a favour that she's doing for him, rather than something she's actively looking to engage in) and decided that if a condom is involved, it's not worth the effort compared to the alternative.

Radn · 08/04/2020 12:01

You've been through a lot together and it sounds like you're not communicating well. Maybe you are both feeling rejected by the other somehow. Talk to him. Events like this, that happen during sex between long-term partners, can really wound, but the reality of what is happening for the other emotionally is rarely as nasty as you imagine. In my experience this mostly arises from a sense of fear/shame/vulnerability in your partner and can be fixed by talking to them.

Electrical · 08/04/2020 12:16

He tried to have unprotected sex with you which = he wanted to impregnate you again. Is he supremely low intellect, or just trash? Does he know what causes pregnancy and the fact that maybe having a vasectomy at some future point does not mean he is currently unfertile? His stonewalling and flouncing since he tried the unprotected sex is also subnormal behaviour.

billy1966 · 08/04/2020 12:27

If he had an ounce of decency about him, he would be mortified, ashamed and deeply apologetic OP.

I feel very sorry for you, as if you haven't had enough pain associated with a very difficult situation you had to make.

He wasn't very supportive then either.

I can imagine this will be very difficult to move forward from.

bringincrazyback · 08/04/2020 12:34

Why not the pill, or injection, or patch, or implant, or IUD, or female condom?

So OP has to potentially fill herself full of hormones because he doesn't like using condoms? Yeah, that sounds really fair to me.

Also, most of the methods you just mentioned there require medical appointments to start them off, which probably wouldn't be obtainable right now under lockdown.

CrazyToast · 08/04/2020 12:42

YANBU to feel bad about this, of course you arent. However, unless he is has form for being selfish, I suspect this is more to do with him also having unresolved pain regarding the abortion and how things have been.

Sex led to a very difficult and painful time. He may be feeling weird about it all. I would let it settle and try to talk again. Unless he is usually like this, it's unlikely he was trying to hurt you or be selfish only.

bringincrazyback · 08/04/2020 13:05

Oh for fuck's sake the amount of misogyny-enablers on this thread who genuinely BELIEVE men when they say "it's not as good with a condom on" it's total bollocks.

Contraception preferences aren't a matter of concrete fact. They're a matter of personal preference. You know, the reason why multiple contraception methods exist in the first place.

I'm post-menopause now but used to hate it when he wore a condom, to the point where I always took responsibility for contraception myself by choice, in preference to enduring it with a condom. Does that make me a 'misogyny-enabler' too, and my preference 'total bollocks'?

monkeymonkey2010 · 08/04/2020 13:16

He's no idea what you went through with the abortion.
He still doesn't want to know.
It didn't happen to his body or hormones and he doesn't have any empathy for you.
Does he think you can just easily pop a morning after pill -or another abortion - if you fall pregnant again?!!!!!

HIS inner and outer life may not have been affected the same way yours has, but he's being so cold and selfish by not even acknowledging your feelings and thoughts.

Your body is not his toy to play with as he pleases.
When's he booked for the vasectomy? Has he even spoke to his gp/got referred etc?
I'd tell him to piss off, he can go without sex until his vasectomy is done.

CoalCraft · 08/04/2020 13:25

Anyone can have whatever red lines in the bedroom they like. If he doesn't want to have sex with a condom he doesn't have to.

It sort of reads like you think he was an arse for not wanting sex on your terms.

Neron · 08/04/2020 13:25

Another one who doesn't see the issue.
What I do think, is you still have unresolved issues/pain from the abortion OP and probably need to address those.

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