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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so upset by Dh

122 replies

PeepeeDarling · 08/04/2020 06:51

Together for years and years 2 dc. Last year was chaotic for various - relocations, new jobs, schools, house extension when we did move, etc
For all these reasons and more when I fell pregnant by accident (contraception fail) after putting in our notices at previous work we made the really difficult decision to medically abort. I was (and still am) gutted about that decision I feel guilty a lot about it and often think about what our 3rd child would have been like - they’d be 7 months by now.
Anyway for a long time after I didn’t want to have sex with Dh(we’ve done it once since last year) Before all this lockdown happened he had arranged an appointment with dr and is sorting out getting a vasectomy.
Last night we were getting close and about to have sex when I asked him to put a condom on he said ‘I’d rather not it’s not as good’ and I said if you don’t then I’m not doing it- not going through that again.
He then said won’t bother then it’s not as good with it on and went to sleep.
I’ve just told him this morning he’s upset and annoyed me and he said why it’s nothing to do with you (?! What?) it’s just my preference that’s all.
He can be the most caring gentle man but in other ways obviously not caring at all.
We’ve been together for years but honestly that’s surprised me.

OP posts:

HarrySnotter · 08/04/2020 10:41

So the husband would rather risk the heartache of another pregnancy /abortion knowing how much pain its caused his wife? When he could just wear a condom? He's a dick.

This, ten times over.

MashedSpud · 08/04/2020 10:43

Piv sex isn’t the only intimacy available.

There are other things you can do.

reeny19 · 08/04/2020 10:44

@rubberoftheband she may have been but given the OP’s description of how frequently they have had sex lately it sounds like she hasn’t been that interested. So I think he’s assumed that she’s not and therefore her sex drive isn’t as important as his.

Not saying that that’s the right thing for him to think BUT given the situation I can see why he might think and behave that way.

Wereallsquare · 08/04/2020 10:48

OP, MadeForThis is absolutely right. You are right to be concerned. This is not just about contraception -- it is about a fundamental lack of concern for your mental and physical health and safety.

Ignore the other witless posts banging on about contraception and pleasure.

rubberoftheband · 08/04/2020 10:51

*@rubberoftheband she may have been but given the OP’s description of how frequently they have had sex lately it sounds like she hasn’t been that interested. So I think he’s assumed that she’s not and therefore her sex drive isn’t as important as his.

Not saying that that’s the right thing for him to think BUT given the situation I can see why he might think and behave that way.*

You do understand that a woman is naturally more likely to want sex during ovulation? So therefore it's more important he used a condom?

Suggesting that OP was just not really wanting sex and just going along with it, isn't apparent from the Op? She was into it until he wanted to remove the only contraception option on the table!

Your idea of "safe period" for the OP is quite ridiculous.

I can see absolutely no reason for him to behave the way he did.

SleepyNightOwl · 08/04/2020 10:59

You gave him a choice out of two and he chose to not have sex with a condom on. That’s fine. If you didn’t want to have sex for whatever reason, that is also fine. You can’t be mad because he chose to not have sex.. he didn’t force you, he didn’t pressure you to risk it, he took one of the choices you gave him.

AprilFloundering · 08/04/2020 11:01

He's a selfish twat. He prioritised optimal penis time over everything, even having watched you live through the consequences the last time contraception failed. A true jackass.

So much for cherishing his wife.

I'm sorry, OP.

Interestedwoman · 08/04/2020 11:02

Ugh, men! YANBU, it's manipulative.

SleepyNightOwl · 08/04/2020 11:03

it's manipulative. How so? Should be have had sex with the condom on even if he didn’t want to?

Porcupineinwaiting · 08/04/2020 11:03

he prioritised optimal penis time

No he didn't, he chose abstinence. Which is a choice I think we are all entitled to make, no?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/04/2020 11:07

YANBU to be hurt, but he WNBU to refuse. You've both been upset and stressed, you've both had a rough time of it. I'm not adding blame to one side or the other - both of you are probably feeling crap today and yesterday was just a shit glitch.

Can you talk it through with him later today?

WhatTiggersDoBest · 08/04/2020 11:07

Oh for fuck's sake the amount of misogyny-enablers on this thread who genuinely BELIEVE men when they say "it's not as good with a condom on" it's total bollocks. This isn't the 1970s.
Well done OP on standing your ground. But your DH's attitude that he won't wear a condom to have sex is terrible. I hope you keep standing up to him and also, with this shitty attitude towards pregnancy that he has, don't believe he had that vasectomy unless you go with him to the hospital and watch them do it. He will get you pregnant again and he doesn't care about the emotional fallout. Because sex isn't as good with a condom on. Jeeez.

Therealyellowwiggle · 08/04/2020 11:09

He could have said "I'd rather not with a condom, let's do oral instead" (well probably not in those words as it's clunky as hell but he could have achieved the same thing with actions). He was making a point. You have been making a point. Did either of you have any counselling after the termination?

Greenpop21 · 08/04/2020 11:11

Totally understand OP. What you’ve been through, are still going through is a big deal emotionally and you feel let down that he doesn’t just get it! I’d have a serious talk when you’re not in bed.

ECBC · 08/04/2020 11:11

Gosh OP that’s a really crappy thing of him to do/say. Insensitive at best. Sorry you are having to put up with this behaviour, especially after what you’ve been through

TheStoic · 08/04/2020 11:14

Don’t give two options if you only want him to choose one.

I did the same as you, and said I wouldn’t have sex without a condom unless he had a vasectomy. I left the choice up to him.

Qgardens · 08/04/2020 11:15

I don't blame you for being mad at him.

Interestedwoman · 08/04/2020 11:15

^I don’t really understand what the big deal is here either way tbh.

You didn’t want to without a condom, he didn’t want to with one so decided he didn’t want to anymore. So you didn’t have sex. No one was forced to do anything they didn’t want to. He just changed his mind.^

@reeny19 The thing is he already knew that sex without a condom is not on the cards as they're not using other forms of contraception, and don't want more children.

He already knows what OP thinks about the matter, but he tried to manipulate her into doing something he already knew she didn't want to do, and which could have serious repercussions for her/them both.

gingersausage · 08/04/2020 11:15

Yes, thanks for that enlightening insight @pocketem. I’m well aware of that fact, but that’s another thing to add to my long list of things women don’t like but are expected to do anyway, rather than the very short list of things the poor menz don’t like and are excused. Read my post properly rather than adding more misogyny to the thread.

puds11 · 08/04/2020 11:16

For me the not wanting to use a condom shows flippancy to the abortion @PeepeeDarling. I would be very upset also as it suggests he hasn’t fully comprehended what you went through last time.

Interestedwoman · 08/04/2020 11:20

it's manipulative. How so? Should be have had sex with the condom on even if he didn’t want to?

@SleepyNightOwl No but he shouldn'tve tried to manipulate OP into having sex without one - trying to wheedle his way into having sex without one on.

He already knows the state of play and that this is what they are using for contraception and to avoid OP risking having to have another termination.

gingersausage · 08/04/2020 11:25

Why are people hell-bent on trying to turn this into a fucking consent issue? It has absolutely nothing to do with consent, and if you can’t see that then I despair of the whole campaign ever achieving anything meaningful.

Some seriously misogynistic agendas are being played out in this thread.

Lefkosia · 08/04/2020 11:26

Having not had sex for a year, horny, in the heat of the moment he decided when you said condom or no sex he would rather not have sex. It doesn't feel as good for me with one so I'm happy to assume that men are correct when they say it feels better without.

You obviously need to talk about other ways you can have intimacy without piv. It's not the be all and end all.

Ultimately either partner can withdraw consent for any reason and they shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. It took me a long time to learn that lesson but I reckon it's a good one.

rubberoftheband · 08/04/2020 11:28

it's manipulative. How so? Should be have had sex with the condom on even if he didn’t want to?

@SleepyNightOwl why do you think he started foreplay with the OP, to think it was in the hope of unprotected sex? That's the manipulation right there. He was hoping she'd say yes, he should be 100% as on board with no unprotected sex as OP. He should've said right from the beginning that he wouldn't be using a condom, not be hoping that OP would go along with his wishes. He's a total twat!

pocketem · 08/04/2020 11:28

Why are people hell-bent on trying to turn this into a fucking consent issue?

Because OP was "furious" with husband for saying no to sex?

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