Feeling guilty and selfish over shopping

[ClapForCats]

I am elderly and live in sheltered housing. I have some health conditions which mean Covid 19 would be risky for me.

In our village, a group has been set up where people volunteer to get our shopping. I am very grateful for this.

My volunteer sent me a message on Facebook and asked what I needed, so I thanked her and gave her a list (about ten items).

Then she sent another message saying she felt I was asking for too much, and that she could only go once a week.

I was terribly upset by this. The woman who organised things also sent me a message asking me only to use the service once a week, and as an emergency.

Now I feel really guilty and selfish, and I will just go to the shops myself, I think.

That’s not unreasonable in the slightest
I’m doing a shop for a gentlemen who is disabled and shielding
I’ve done him 2 shops so far both of about £50 worth of shopping and generally involving 2/3 shops as it’s easier to do rather than queuing for hrs in one shop
I have a few things to pick up for him tomorrow to drop off that I couldn’t get him on Sat
I’ve agreed to help him till this is over or for as long as I can get
He gives me a very detailed list. And wherever possible I’ve tried to get him everything on the list If I’m not sure about anything I text and check .
I’m only doing this for one person and I have another lady that may need stuff but probably maybe once a month .
I think a lot like to get the feel good glow of helping until they realise what it actually means
It helps though that I’m not working so have plenty of time and I drive and live near lots of shops

This is the reason the care sector is regulated. Abuse of power is something regulators work hard against, and why carers are trained/qualified. Yet up till now, cares have been under paid and unvalued.

I appreciate not all volunteers are like your experience, but there does seem to be those who are thriving on telling Facebook about their good acts. In reality they are not suited to altruistic acts.

I volunteered for a while as a driver for a funded organisation who would arrange a car and driver to take the elderly and infirm to specialists appointments. I was paid by distance, so it certainly wasn't for income.

anyhow I just wanted to say I think your list is very reasonable considering its only for once a week. I would have thought you would have needed more, so unsure as to what the volunteer was getting upset about. I wonder if they loaded her up with too many clients for the one shop and the message was incorrectly relayed to you, appearing it to be your fault when it wasn't?

As I am here I will mention the one request that really annoyed me.

The Client was fine and I had driven her several times before. She lived with someone else who had a car and who was at home each time I was booked to collect her.

Then one day they asked if on my way back from the appointment, could I pick up a TV the flatmate had ordered which was slightly out of the way too. I was a bit gobsmacked about it seeing he had a car there, but did it anyhow. They donated a gold coin to the organisation I drove for... I thought that was taking the piss and after that, I stopped driving for the organisation. Apparently it happened quite frequently and they were reviewing the setup.

I'm shopping for 2 sets of neighbours, my parents and in laws. Your list is very modest, the problem is with the volunteer not you. Please don't feel bad. I'm glad someone else was able to get your shopping for you.

You were being totally reasonable OP. However, I have to say on our community aid page we seem to be getting a few CFs. There's one woman who just asks for milk day and night (why she can't just get the big jugs I don't know, but she was on the page asking for someone to drop milk round at 9.45pm after getting some dropped round the day before) we've got one who's asking for lifts to places, and another asking for a particular brand of drink to be dropped round for her son who's 21 (she's self isolating but he's not, and perfectly capable of doing the shopping!)

Gosh your list is SO reasonable, I'm very sorry you've been made to feel bad by someone who had offered to help you. We are helping someone who asks us for a long list of pretty eclectic things each week. We are getting it but it feels a bit unreasonable of them as I'm risking my own health to get it but dh says if they can't go out at all it's fair enough.

That list is so small she probably thought you were going to be giving her a list several times a week.

Either way, I’m glad you got someone else to help

No that's very little shoppng - i think you were very considerate.
Don't give it another thought.
Keep safe 🌺

@yearinyearout

I do not doubt that the CFs are out in force at the moment.

I have read most of the threads and never fail to be amazed by what some people think is eminently reasonable.

This is exactly why I think its wrong that as hoc groups have been allowed to set up via Facebook.

People asking for help are vulnerable and yet any Tom, Dick or Harry can offer their services and then gain access to people who are isolated and vulnerable.

It worries me that some elderly people are going to hand over bank cards too because they don't do internet banking and obviously can't get to a cash point.

We need to have regulated bodies setting up and running this service.

You have not asked for much at all.
The only thread I read complaining was where a poster had to get something from about 4 different shops as they wanted M&S fruit and waitrose rice (or something like that).
Your list is all essential and easy to get items.
I think some people sign up as they want to be helpful but then don’t actually want to do it when asked!
Please don’t worry at all, yours is a very simple list.

Jeez you’re not asking much! To be honest if I got that list I’d be coming back to you and asking if you were sure you didn’t want anything else.

I had to do my grandparents shopping and thought it looked a bit ‘basic’ so shoved in some bits I thought they’d enjoy. This week they asked for a bottle of gin and a couple of bars of chocolate- then message has got through that they can have fun stuff.

I'm sorry you were made to feel bad, your list is more than reasonable
Tesco release delivery slots at midnight. If I've stayed up I've managed to get one. Or you could register with Sainsburys
Have you looked at morrisons boxes. They are £35 including delivery and would give you the basics for a couple of weeks
Please don't feel bad

I think @TwerkForTeachers has hit the nail on the head. Lots of virtue signalling going on by people signing up to help and not actually wanting to do any of it. It’s scary to have to rely on a stranger to do you shopping when yo can’t access services you normally do.

It worries me that some elderly people are going to hand over bank cards too because they don't do internet banking and obviously can't get to a cash point

Yes. This is a safeguarding issue and no mistake. Abuse of power is always possible in situations like this.

I know that only one of the other eleven people who live in the sheltered housing complex here uses the internet, but not for banking. Most elderly people are afraid of internet banking, unfortunately.

It cannot be easy for volunteers.

You're not unreasonable, the service was offered and you gladly accepted, how were you to know the woman would be overwhelmed? Can you not order things online (I do realise it is sometimes difficult to get a slot but I have managed)? If you do go to a shop, which you are allowed to do, you could perhaps order in advance to collect, that would minimise contact with people.

Look after yourself, you sound so nice.

Thanks for all your suggestions. As I live very rurally, the only shop which delivers is Tesco's.

I have heard however, that the Co - Op is going to start delivering. I will look into that. It would be the best answer.

You sound lovely, your list is the epitome of reasonableness It's such a shame that people in your position feel like you can't get what you want or have a few treats.

I really hope you manage to get allocated a volunteer who is more helpful.

I agree that some people volunteer to help, feeling all helpful and smug about it, but then don’t expect to have to actually do anything!

Your list is minimal I think and you have nothing to feel awful about.

My MIL sent us this list yesterday:

6 potatoes for baking - about 250g each
Lurpak slightly salted butter 2 packs
3 Cinnamon Danish pastry whirls - Sainsbury's
White cob uncut
Sliced wholemeal, seeded loaf- Hovis
10 white eggs (M and S)
3 Bakewell tarts (M and S)
Piece of Lancashire cheese about 300g
Piece of Sage Derby cheese about 300g
Piece of Parmesan about 200g
Large bag of macaroni
4 litres of organic semi-skimmed
1 medium onion
Black olives
Flash kitchen spray- only Flash- 2 if possible
Kitchen roll - 6 pack
3 x large bars of chocolate - Galaxy, Fruit and Nut and Whole Nut
Werthers originals - 3 bags
6 Pink Lady apples
6 green bananas
6 beef tomatoes
1 fat clove of garlic
Healthy looking fresh basil
Large bottle of Gordons
6 x Fevertree original

I’m sorry this has happened, you mustn’t feel guilty at all! You were perfectly fine with your list! Unfortunately not all voluntary groups run well (speaking from experience), I hope they evolve into a better group or you find another group that can support you properly. Lots of local butchers and greengrocers in our area are delivering, might be worth a quick ring round to see if you can find something like that? Xx

@LuluJakey1

I love the exactitude of that list.

Only one medium onion?

I must add gin to my next list. Your MIL has inspired me.

That's really not unreasonable at all! Not sure why you've been sent those replies. No point in their running a volunteer service if a basic list like this is considered too much. Please don't let them make you feel bad, you've done nothing wrong.

Sorry this happened to you. Your list was not excessive at all.

As for the message from the organiser have you made her aware you were not asking the volunteer to go shopping more than once a week? I would do so just in case the volunteer had made out you were asking too much. Investigating the Co-op delivery sounds good, but hopefully you can be matched up with someone else.

We don’t know the full picture, so I don’t think some of the remarks about the volunteer are entirely reasonable.

The volunteer may be doing the shopping on foot, so there may be a limit to what they can carry in addition to their own shopping.

They may have volunteered in addition to having a job, caring responsibilities or other stresses and strains on their time.

They were simply trying to set boundaries, which is reasonable in these uncharted waters.