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Original poster

Feeling guilty and selfish over shopping

143 replies

ClapForCats · 05/04/2020 21:17

I am elderly and live in sheltered housing. I have some health conditions which mean Covid 19 would be risky for me.

In our village, a group has been set up where people volunteer to get our shopping. I am very grateful for this.

My volunteer sent me a message on Facebook and asked what I needed, so I thanked her and gave her a list (about ten items).

Then she sent another message saying she felt I was asking for too much, and that she could only go once a week.

I was terribly upset by this. The woman who organised things also sent me a message asking me only to use the service once a week, and as an emergency.

Now I feel really guilty and selfish, and I will just go to the shops myself, I think.

OP posts:
user1511042793 · 05/04/2020 22:11

What you asked for was not unreasonable. Who knows why she said no but please just forget about it and move on. All this time indoors is making people overthink.

Cheerbear23 · 05/04/2020 22:12

Don’t be upset, it’s a very small list, completely reasonable generic items.
If the volunteer can’t cope with this it’s probably best they dint bother.

Sturmundcalm · 05/04/2020 22:13

considering the esoteric rubbish I've been buying for sister and BIL over the last couple of weeks I would find that the most sensible/acceptable list ever!!

take some deep breaths - send love out into the world and breathe it back in again, you are absolutely right to look for some help at the moment and no reasonable person would grudge it.

Original poster
ClapForCats · 05/04/2020 22:17

Take some deep breaths - send love out into the world and breathe it back in again

That's lovely, Sturmandcalm.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 05/04/2020 22:19

I'm overseeing something similar in my bit of London, and your list looks quite reasonable. Please use the service if you need it.

Inkpaperstars · 05/04/2020 22:20

I hate to think of you being upset by this, you had a very modest and easy list by any standards. You just had the bad luck to encounter someone with an inexplicable and inappropriate reaction. It's not you, it's her!

Thank you for all your service as a nurse Flowers.

Please don't feel bad about asking for help. People want to help protect those at high risk. Also you are agreeing to stay in to help reduce pressure on the nhs aswell as to protect yourself so you are helping others by complying.

Sorry you had to deal with this...I honestly think most volunteers would be ecstatic to receive that small and highly doable list!

JaceLancs · 05/04/2020 22:22

I’m shopping for NDN 80
Last week she wanted cat food, chocolate biscuits and cigarettes
This week she wants bananas, tomatoes, sprouts, milk and cigarettes
Who am I to judge?
I offered to help and will do so

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 05/04/2020 22:23

We offered to get some shopping for someone in our town who we knew didn't have family nearby. It ticked us as he asked for a specific brand of bread, apples etc and my DH did his best.
Your list looks absolutely fine and to be fair in the current climate if you wanted 2 litres of gin and 10 packets of fags we'd get you them! Grin

Darbs76 · 05/04/2020 22:24

Not unreasonable at all. Glad you were appointment another volunteer. Please don’t put yourself at risk going yourself

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 05/04/2020 22:24

Tickled not ticked, but he sat his bread choice is very nice!

Changednamesorry · 05/04/2020 22:25

This is disgraceful. Your list is entirely reasonable. Tell the group and ask to be assigned someone else. That list is nothing! I'm sorry to hear that this happened, but honestly, it's not you, its them. Try again with someone else

ssd · 05/04/2020 22:25

I wish you were near me clapforcats, I'd gave got it for you Flowers

WaxOnFeckOff · 05/04/2020 22:25

Hmm, I've volunteered to help locally but not been asked yet.

I'd have questioned your list....I'd have questioned if that was really all you needed! Seriously, do people think that you are going to be able to live from bread and milk or something?

Provided you either said yay or nay to me substituting items if they proved difficult to get then I'd be very happy to pick up all that and more.

Please don't leave your house OP, you need to stay safe.

Branster · 05/04/2020 22:26

Your list is perfect for the current conditions.
Maybe that particular volunteer was also helping other people like yourself or her own family members in which case she offered more than she can cope with so might have been out shopping already before dealing with your list. Which is perfectly human. Or maybe she had a negative experience with somebody else and has reached her limit.which is also normal.
But based on your list and what help you’ve been offered, her comment was unfair.
You sound very reasonable, considerate and polite but you must use the volunteer service and not go out please. Your request was very small and within the expectations and you mustn’t feel guilty or selfish at all. Help is there to be used so that we are all safe, you, me, volunteers, shop staff.
As for comments on here about certain groups, I would ignore them. People tend to post about what annoys them and not always take notice or take the time to post about seeing the norm or average behaviour because it doesn’t stand out.

SMarie123 · 05/04/2020 22:27

Hi clap for cats, something doesn't add up there. The list is very simple straightforward things. I think the person was maybe committed by an interfering parent/ partner. Nobody would signup for the job of volunteer shopper and not expect to get such a basic list of items.

I'm annoyed the "volunteer" is messing people around. This situation is stressful enough.

My neighbour actually had something similar happen to him... another neighbour offered to get him stuff, he said yes.... I think that was a surprise... then she messaged (not even phoned) saying she was delayed at work and could someone else go. Why do people offer if they won't follow through?!??

Home42 · 05/04/2020 22:29

I pick up shopping for a neighbour. Milk, meat, bread, veg, fruit, cereal, sugar, tea bags, biscuits, etc.. I do for her weekly and I expect her to ask for a weeks shopping so the list is normally 20 odd items with a few comments about how essentially they are to her and what’s ok to substitute. I think she’s being perfectly reasonable and me and my DD are happy to help. I also popped a paper in this weeks and a pack of penguins as I know she enjoys both! We pop by once every few days to yell through her window and make sure she’s ok. Am also shopping for elderly parents and asthmatic parents... their lists are WAY longer 😂

agonyauntie2020 · 05/04/2020 22:30

This is so upsetting. You worked as a nurse for 40 years. You responded to an offer to help. You're in sheltered housing and vulnerable group. You asked for completely, totally, absolutely reasonable basket of shopping and you were made to feel bad by two of them - not just the woman who volunteered but the organizer as well. I am gobsmacked by this.

A PP suggested you post on the facebook page. I have to say, if I were you, I would find a way to do this for two reasons (a) that awful volunteer who made you feel a burden might be doing the same to someone else, and (b) the organizer has said once a week and as an emergency. Ok but was that clear from the initial offer to help? Is there a limit on the number and type of items? Ok, they should say so.

So, I would post and say it would be very helpful if the organizer and volunteers could post what they think is reasonable since you asked for you x, y and z, and it was judged to be too much and you were very upset to think you'd accidentally been too much of a burden.

ANYONE reading that will immediately understand you asked for a bog standard basket of shopping (if you'd had voting on your Mumsnet thread you'd see that). A post innocently asking what's reasonable and saying what you asked for gets the message across that the virtue signalers in your village on facebook are exactly that. They're not prepared to do anything more than the odd item every so often.

Posting on Facebook also might help others who've responded to their offer, so they don't make anyone else cry themselves to sleep.

Sorry OP. You sound eminently reasonable and really nice. I am cross with them on your behalf.

Cheesepleas3 · 05/04/2020 22:31

List definitely isn't unreasonable!
Also I think I'm being daft here but I'm struggling to understand the corrolation between your list and you being told twice that you can only use the service once a week? What in giving a list of items suggests you were expecting the service more frequently than weekly? Confused

gingersausage · 05/04/2020 22:34

I honestly don’t see the point in volunteering if you don’t want to do things for people. I mean, what are people like that getting out of it? It seems like some of these groups are being set up purely to gain Facebook likes and for the “volunteers” to be told how wonderful they are.

@ClapForCats I hope you are feeling better now. Guilt is not an emotion you should be feeling; the person who upset you so much should be though. I’d be gutted if someone made my elderly parents feel like this.

Carrie7469 · 05/04/2020 22:35

I'm so sorry this has happened. You have nothing to feel bad about 🌹

HollowTalk · 05/04/2020 22:36

OP, do you have a local taxi? Ours is picking up shopping if it's been ordered from the local shop and delivering it to the doorstep.

You could perhaps call the shop and explain the situation and ask whether they can suggest anything. They should be happy to try to help you as you are vulnerable.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 05/04/2020 22:37

Wot, no cucumbers?

Of course it's not unreasonable - hope it works out with your new volunteer. If not, do you get Milk and More in your area?

Mulanlin · 05/04/2020 22:38

Some people want to volunteer because it sounds good, I don’t think they realised there would be any actual ‘work’ to do. It sounds good and looks good on Facebook etc
This is so true.
I’m sorry this happened OP! Take care

carrie0707 · 05/04/2020 22:39

Please don’t feel bad for a second. Your list is entirely reasonable. My daughter is in a high risk category and so I have the odd delivery with Tesco’s booked and we are trying to be super careful. However, I am currently shopping for my parents, parents in law and their 90 something year old neighbours (who have no close relatives) and so end up using all 80 items on them and having to go to the shops when my DH is home for us! Your first ‘volunteer’ really shouldn’t have volunteered. Please stay home and stay safe.

Original poster
ClapForCats · 05/04/2020 22:41

Cheesepleas3

I think they thought I would be asking every couple of days as my list was short?

I don't know.

I have really tried hard to prep for this situation. I know I live rurally and am vulnerable. So for several weeks I have been getting a big order from Tesco and freezing plenty of meat.

I have had big Amazon deliveries of cat food. (I could live on it if things got bad) and I always get a lot of toilet roll in one go anyway.

I followed some of the prepping threads and got plenty of rice and long-life milk. Oh and tins of beans.

Just did my best to plan ahead. Then the guidance was released about staying in for twelve weeks, so I was glad I had made plans.

I can't say anything on the FB page. This is a small village. Everyone knows everyone else.

I will ask my hairdresser though, once this is over. She has lived here forever (I moved here after I retired) and she will probably know everyone.

OP posts: