Feeling guilty and selfish over shopping

[ClapForCats]

I am elderly and live in sheltered housing. I have some health conditions which mean Covid 19 would be risky for me.

In our village, a group has been set up where people volunteer to get our shopping. I am very grateful for this.

My volunteer sent me a message on Facebook and asked what I needed, so I thanked her and gave her a list (about ten items).

Then she sent another message saying she felt I was asking for too much, and that she could only go once a week.

I was terribly upset by this. The woman who organised things also sent me a message asking me only to use the service once a week, and as an emergency.

Now I feel really guilty and selfish, and I will just go to the shops myself, I think.

Totally reasonable I'd have expected a bigger list.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all, and I'm sorry that you've been made to feel that you were.

If someone offers they can't be surprised if a) you take them up on it and b) you're unaware of arbitrary 'terms' they set without telling you about them.

You shouldn't feel guilty, you're not selfish.

Ahh that's nothing, I'm shopping for my elderly next door neighbour and that's similar to what she asks me for each week.

Am also shopping for my mum who sends me crazy long lists with items I can't get anywhere!!

What's the point of just getting you a pint of milk? You'd have to leave the house to go shopping again. I don't get it. A perfectly reasonable list, op. I'm sorry you've been made to feel guilty.

I was a volunteer who (along with others) was asked to go to a big supermarket which is ten miles away for someone who wanted a big shop who lived five miles further away. I said I'd happily do it if there was no-one nearer, but there was.

I didn't think that was being a CF, they were a large self-isolating family and wanted to get everything in one go, rather than ask people frequently.

That's weird, from.her message it sounds like she thought she'd be going multiple times a week? Or did she intend to shop with you for herself? Though your list is pretty small so odd if funny about it. Obviously the other volunteer didn't agree with her!

Oh dear, They've joined to feel good not to actually help anyone.

That's a really easy list to fulfill.

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable list. It's hard relying on volunteers, hopefully once things settle down a bit you will be able to book a normal delivery from the supermarket.

That’s very strange of her. No don’t feel bad at all, that’s a totally reasonable list.

You were absolutely 100% not unreasonable.

This is a tiny list, you are not unreasonable at all! Hope a nicer person will step in and help. Sorry this has happened to you xxx

Totally reasonable and the bare minimum of what I’d expect in a food parcel

I personally would have included some fruit and cereal without a second thought to the list

YABU for the cabbage though, nasty stuff. Some broccoli would have been nicer

I read the same threads as you I think. Some people want to volunteer because it sounds good, I don’t think they realised there would be any actual ‘work’ to do. It sounds good and looks good on Facebook etc.

And I don’t think you asked for a lot, and I don’t think we have it particularly hard with access to shops and supplies.

You have done the right thing telling them not to bother. You will come across a genuine person with real communication skills and together you will sort this out, so you’re both happy.

Good luck

That’s a reasonable list. Why did she think that would need more than shop?

WTF? People like that shouldn't voulanteer.

Don't feel bad. They were in the wrong.

It's just weird.

I can't account for it at all.

Anyway - you've made me feel much better. I actually cried myself to sleep over this a few nights ago.

I think some people want to feel helpful and involved but don't actually realise what this means. They probably thought they'd pick up a pint of milk every other week and get covered in glory and gratitude

Agree with this. Already on here you see people who feel that because someone needs their shopping picked up, they're not allowed to ask for anything more than the absolute bare necessities, at a time when vulnerable people are afraid, isolated and have cabin fever and deserve some treats, if that's what they like! Bet they're the same ones then vilifying older people for going out, because they're afraid to

You staying in is helping us all, by reducing the load on hospitals - you're doing a great job and I'd ask for a new volunteer if you can. My sister is volunteering and has bought list two or three times yours, including gin and chocs, and said good on them.

I have noticed on the FB page the organiser set up, that she has been asking for more volunteers, as some have had to pull out.

We only have one village shop, which doesn't do deliveries.

YANBU and are not at all greedy or selfish. Those items are not a great deal for a week. Please don’t feel sad about this . Not sure why they’ve even volunteered if they can’t fetch the most basic of shopping without grumbling and making you feel like a burden. You aren’t.

How awful for you! Please don’t be upset! I’m shopping for a couple of older people, a neighbour and my parents slso. They are horrified and embarrassed that they have to ask, and I do everything in my power to make it as easy and comfortable as possible. We make light of it, have a laugh and get the job done.
Again, please don’t be upset, it’s not your issue, it really isn’t x

Aw what a shame that she had to do that and make you feel bad when your list was very modest. Glad you feel better now and found someone more obliging. Agree with others, a pint of milk and a loaf of bread was probably all she could be bothered getting.

Nothing to add, but your list was tiny. Maybe they got you mixed up with someone else, or though you want small amounts every day?

It absolutely doesn’t make sense, and please don’t feel bad, you have done nothing wrong.

I am glad they found you another volunteer and hope it all works out.

Stuckforthefourthtime

I have noticed that too. If this lockdown continues, and I am expected to stay in for the twelve weeks, I really hope that nobody will make a unilateral decision that I should be grateful for small mercies.

Wow! I thought your ten items were going to be 5 litres of gin, a giant toblerone, 200 Lambert & Butler, a bottle of Chanel No.5 etc. but it’s basic essentials.

I think unfortunately at the moment a lot of people are very keen to be seen to be doing something helpful so they put it on their social media than actually helping people in need. You are a very deserving person in need with a very modest shopping list. They are lunatics. I wonder is you could find an alternative group to help?

They are horrified and embarrassed that they have to ask

Yes - I feel the same.

It's awful. But you can't win. There are a lot of threads here where older people are vilified for not abiding by the rules.

I am so mad with anyone who thinks that these rules do not apply to them, regardless of their age.

And yes - I am truly grateful that younger, fitter people put themselves out for others.