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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask is this fair re DP and rent?

152 replies

Mutedmanyhours · 03/04/2020 17:01

I know this has been done a lot but I just want to see what others think.

DP and I have been together approx 2 years. We get on very well. I have 2 kids he doesn't have any. Before cv, I was earning about 4 times more than him per month.
Since cv he has been living with us which has been lovely. He has been really helpful with the kids and generally very lovely.
We have agreed that he will live with us while schools are shut and both our work is affected. He will pay one third of our food bill, household bills and rent.
This will leave him with very little disposable income after his own outgoings.

Is that too much?

OP posts:
cstaff · 03/04/2020 23:15

Just tell him that if he wants to be an adult that it costs. Otherwise he can go running home to mummy. This is real life, not fucking play away.

billy1966 · 03/04/2020 23:30

@HollowTalk

Exactly👏

OP, he has shown you EXACTLY who he is.

He's a tight, mean man, who is used to other people paying the bills.

You are wasting your time.

I can never understand how these guys get away with this for so long, before somen start to wonder.Confused

You can do better OPFlowers

He's no prize.

HollowTalk · 03/04/2020 23:46

I'm not in favour of telling men (after they've behaved badly) what's expected and waiting ages to see whether they will do it.

I would want someone who naturally did the right thing. It saves so much time and heartache and worrying. This man, when it comes down to it, puts himself first, above his parents and above you. There are better men around.

EmiliaAirheart · 04/04/2020 00:45

You’re making a lot of unwise decisions here.

Why is this all about monthly finances and not whether this is a serious, long-term relationship and whether it’s appropriate to bring him into your children’s lives in this full on way? It feels very much like it’s a financial decision.

Also do you hear the irony of yourself complaining that he has savings he doesn’t want to touch, yet you say the same thing about your house deposit fund?

If this were the case of serious, committed partners ready to move in together, of course contributing to the shared costs is appropriate.

But nothing about your posts reads like him moving is a good step for your family.

OldGranvilleHouse · 04/04/2020 01:21

Without knowing actual amounts it’s difficult to say. For example, him on £15,000 and you on £60,000 then it’s probably too much; him on £40,000 and you on £160,000 then maybe not. Going on the law of averages, I expect it’s more likely to be closer to the first example.

Also, if he’s paying rent/mortgage, council tax, utilities, etc elsewhere, then why would you take rent from him? I can understand him contributing to food, but rent??

I think you’re being unfair.

Lynda07 · 04/04/2020 01:36

I think he should pay for food but not rent.

SharonasCorona · 04/04/2020 03:32

Why should he live rent free at his mum’s and at OP’s? That makes no sense.

EL8888 · 04/04/2020 03:52

He still has plenty of disposal income left, sounds fine to me. Re the cost of food -l know how much my fiancé eats and consequently we get through lots of food!!!

It’s a red flag he doesn’t want a formal arrangement about how much he pays Hmm. Surely he knows bills need to be paid. How old is he?

timeisnotaline · 04/04/2020 05:14

A separate question but are you confident you can afford a house with the variation in your job and future income risks? You will need to be able to pay the mortgage monthly!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/04/2020 12:34

I would want someone who naturally did the right thing. It saves so much time and heartache and worrying. This man, when it comes down to it, puts himself first, above his parents and above you. There are better men around

Beautifully put

MrAlyhakinsMassiveYacht · 04/04/2020 12:46

I would want someone who naturally did the right thing. It saves so much time and heartache and worrying

If, at this time, he can't step up and do the right thing without you pointing the bloody obvious out to him (repeatedly) then I imagine life will get very tedious very quickly.

Newkitchen123 · 04/04/2020 12:47

If you've been together 2 years and you're both planning on buying separate houses it doesn't sound very long term
Therefore I see no reason why he should accept any financial responsibility for your children
There are 4 of you in the house, so given that two of them are your responsibility he should pay 25% of everything. Maybe more for food if he eats more like you say.
If it was a long term relationship my views would be different but it just sounds convenient to me that he's there for the kids.
If there were just the two of you I would say go 50 50

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/04/2020 15:31

i'd rather go shag-free for the lockdown than move a man-child in.....

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/04/2020 15:34

so if lockdown hadn't happened and he moved in with you for good - would you still be accept him only paying for his own food and share of utilities?
Cos you can't really do that in a proper partnership if you're living together and there's kids involved.

forrestgreen · 04/04/2020 15:41

I'd say to take the rent out of the equation as you'd always paid it and it won't change for him being there.
He would pay for what he will eat and either a share of the bills or the increase in the bills because of him.

But

Explain that this isn't you two living together, that's a different financial conversion.

rwalker · 04/04/2020 16:00

if it's only temp while CV problem ask for 1/3 bills and food you were paying rent anyway.
His outgoing are irrelevant that does sound a bit grabby tbh
If he'd given up a flat pocketed the rent then moved in for you for free different matter but he hasn't.
Be grateful of the help with kids

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2020 16:10

I think you're asking a lot from him. He doesn't have to be included in your household bills, just pay for the food he eats.

Do you just want him there for money? That may be how he sees it.

Hannah021 · 04/04/2020 16:52

@pinkyredrose you cant be serious? Can you live anywhere other than a cave without incurring bills? Why should she pay for his water and electricity consumption? If the answer is no, which it obviously is, then no one is responsible for the bills he incurs.
why should a mum of two pay the living of another adult.
what about council tax? He needs to be declared and pay his share.

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2020 17:36

But he isn't living there full time, just staying for lockdown. If he was living there of course he should pay his way but he's a temporary guest not a member of the household.

Lippy1234 · 04/04/2020 18:04

I think he should pay half the food and half the bills and no rent.

Testtube78 · 04/04/2020 19:44

Hmmm so he pays £500 a month to you towards house and mortgage etc

You then said it left him with £500 free money for the month. But I’m confused if his £350 own personal bills are to come out of that £500?

As that would leave him with £150 a month free money. Which isn’t that much percentage wise if his salary.

Is the percentage of salary left over the same for both of you?

Unless of course I’ve misinterpreted the information and he has £500 left after paying towards the bills for you and kids and then his own bills.

Then yes it’s fair, if after he has paid towards his personal stuff and the house with you he has a spare £500.

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/04/2020 22:19

He's choosing to stay during lockdown....so he can pay his share of bills incurred.

SharonasCorona · 04/04/2020 23:20

Hmmm so he pays £500 a month to you towards house and mortgage etc

Op says he's left with £500 after giving her a third of his income. Sounds like he's been asked to pay less than £300pm. Which is more than fair.

AgentJohnson · 05/04/2020 09:20

Cocklidodgers aren’t born, they are enabled. Who enables them? Well parents and girlfriends who subsidised them, that’s who.

Depending on someone’s financial contribution when they have to be told to and who doesn’t care to understand why, is never a good idea.

Op you really need to look into your finances, saving whilst incurring debt is not financially prudent, especially in these times of almost zero interest rates.

Convenience has encouraged you to move this man in and a carefully considered plan should have been discussed beforehand. Pulling his weight financially should have been a prerequisite from the start, better late than never to have a frank discussion about your expectations of him and the relationship.

AngelsSins · 05/04/2020 10:09

It seems some women here think other women are so desperate for a man to live with that they must offer him everything on a plate to encourage him away from mummy. Fuck that!

It’s your house OP, he has no right or entitlement to be there, nor does he NEED to be there.. You can charge whatever you want ultimately, and he gets to decide if it’s a deal he’s interested in, or if he’d rather live back at home. No one is forcing him to be there with you, and presumably you’re not so desperate for a man that you’d let him stay for free whilst becoming his personal maid and skivvy.

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