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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws “will definitely still be visiting us” in July.

147 replies

whodunit3 · 02/04/2020 16:28

Just that really, we live quite far away from both sides of family. obviously we miss them all lots, especially atm. My folks were due down next weekend and again in June but have said due to the current situation neither visit is likely to go ahead.

In-laws are due to visit in July, they have hired a cottage through a holiday company and at the moment as it stands the company has said that booking taking after May will still be going ahead.

We have isolated correctly, kids haven’t been out of the door, (we actually took them out of school the week before the school closures came) thankfully we have a lot of outdoor space, husband is a key worker but has been taking every precaution he can and is also working from home as much as possible, he is also the only one that has been out for essentials wearing gloves, changing when he comes in etc.

Talking to MIL on the phone last night and she’s has made of quite clear that unless they shut the borders of their booking gets cancelled they will be coming down. Her logic is that they won’t be visiting any other places rather than us so chances of catching or passing on CV is highly unlikely.

AIBU to be quietly fucking fuming that she thinks that this is her sole decision to make. FIL is a driver and still working, they still see other family members, one of which who also still works with all 4 adults nipping out to shops etc...

This is absolutely ludicrous that they still think it’s ok to come here and spend the week with us isn’t it?

OP posts:

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 02/04/2020 18:10

OP - you sound like one of those people who like things to be sorted and settled as soon as possible so you don't need to think about it, and the uncertainty is winding you up.

Honestly, July is a long way away. It'll either be fine by then or it won't, if it's not, their booking will be cancelled and they'll get their money back.

Given it's unlikely we'll still be in total lockdown by then, and if they are out and about as much as you say, if they are going to catch it, they will have done so by then, can you just not keep saying "I'm sure it'll be fine, we can discuss it closer to the date if the restrictions are still in place or if someone's ill." Then leave it and don't think about it again until the week or so before!

In my head, we are still going to be able to go on our August holiday - if we can't we can't, but I'm not going to decide today we definately aren't, and I've been looking online at lovely dresses to take with me... I need something to look forward to, your MIL is probably just hanging on to the hope of this just being for a bit then a nice thing to look forward to.

This is very different to your parents visiting in April, which definately can't happen. July is very unlikely to be in lockdown.

CheshireChat · 02/04/2020 18:14

Are you worried they'll turn up regardless of the isolation if it's still the case?

TurquoiseDress · 02/04/2020 18:18

I wouldn't sweat it right now, it's over 3 months away...the way things are going, we truly have no idea what things are going to be like next week let alone in July

saraclara · 02/04/2020 18:24

I honestly think you're getting wound up unnecessarily. It's understandable to a degree, as we're all stressed. But dwelling on it at the beginning of April is just going to eat away at you unnecessarily, and your relationship with your inlaws will deteriorate pointlessly.

As things go on, it will become clearer, and if things aren't going well when it gets to June, she'll probably see for herself that her optimism and stubbornness was misplaced. You don't have to force her to see it now. It's far better if she starts to see it for herself. And even that is worst-case scenario. A lot can change in three months.

Let her have her hope, for a couple of months at least. It's her way of dealing with it. I'd be broken-hearted not to see my daughters and granddaughter for what will be nearly four months. To have one of them say 'well don't set your heart on seeing them even then, because I might say no' would knock me back a lot, in that position. At this point, it would be unnecessarily hurtful.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/04/2020 18:25

There is no point wasting energy getting angry over this right now.

Things are changing every day, let alone in 3 months time. Chances are their booking will be cancelled anyway.

Maybe she's so insistent because she is seeing it as something to look forward to, to get her through the next few weeks/months.

You can make your point/stand your ground closer to the time. You know what's best for your family. Let her think the trip is still on if that helps her cope with the lock down.

Etinox · 02/04/2020 18:26

Don’t give it a second thought. We’ll either still be under lockdown and the cottage cancelled or we won’t. Not worth stressing over.

Original poster

whodunit3 · 02/04/2020 18:28

I guess I think that by July (fingers crossed) that lock down will be lifted but I’m unsure if things like school will be back, social distancing still be advised etc...

If I’m honest and that was the case, I wouldn’t be happy with either my parents or in-laws still coming down, for our sake or anybody else’s and unlike my parents who are also cautious and would talk it over with us I think if restrictions are that light they will absolutely want to still and very little would stop them without a huge family fallout and I obviously don’t want that to happen.

OP posts:

lakeswimmer · 02/04/2020 18:29

OP you're over thinking it. If restrictions are lifted lifted by July then they'll be able to come. If they aren't then they won't be able to because all holiday accommodation will be shut and the holiday company will either move their dates or refund them. It's not your decision or your MILs to make so don't get involved. If she mentions it just say something bland like "hopefully things will be better by then."

I speak as someone who's DH's job involves managing holiday accommodation and who's in the process of cancelling lots of people's holidays.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 02/04/2020 18:33

OP - what is it you fear will happen? Are your DCs or DH high risk?

As I said, if your PIL have been still working and not really taking this seriously, chances are they'll have already caught it by July.

You can't possibly know what the restrictions will be by July. So you are trying to control and plan for an unknown situation, it'll drive you insane, don't.

Just keep repeating "I hope we're back to normal by then as well. We'll just have to wait and see."

LoveIsLovely · 02/04/2020 18:42

If you let yourself get annoyed by everything like this, you're going to have a miserable time if we're still isolating by then.

Try to let it go, we have no idea what the situation will be by then.

sonjadog · 02/04/2020 18:46

You would like you to agree on something now. They want something to look forward to in the future. Neither of you are wrong but you have different approaches to a stressful situation. Instead of getting annoyed that they won't have the same approach as you, just accept that you are different, make vague noises about waiting and seeing, and worry about this much nearer the time.

mumwon · 02/04/2020 18:52

op hopefully by july they will be doing antibody tests & we will all be able to tell if we have had coronavirus or not this will make it easier to decide. Please god things will be better

Carouselfish · 02/04/2020 19:00

Hang on, the lockdown is to prevent the peak being too devastating. When it ends, that won't mean the virus has magically disappeared! It will still be killing people, there certainly won't be a vaccine by July. So, people planning to visit family abroad this summer especially in a country with few cases...why? You're still capable of spreading it to your family or catching it. End of lockdown doesn't mean end of that.

TeapotCollection · 02/04/2020 19:09

9 hour journey, bloody hell!

Yellowandgreen · 02/04/2020 19:10

“It would be lovely for you to still be able to enjoy your holiday cottage, but unfortunately we wouldn’t be available to see you for visits or outings if we’re still self isolating. We’ll just have to see how things go!”

And then just leave it. Re-think the idea in June but don’t stress in the meantime.

SharonasCorona · 02/04/2020 19:14

Get DH to / or you tell them you won't be allowing visitors until the government has confirmed that CV has been eradicated. If they still book, then on their head be it. Hopefully they'll lose their deposit. If they do turn up, refuse to answer the door.

SewItGoes · 02/04/2020 19:24

I understand why OP is frustrated that MIL is just stating that she will be visiting them rather than testing the waters, saying they'd like to plan on coming, etc., and then seeing how OP and her husband feel about it.

Yes, they've rented a cottage, but the purpose of the trip is to spend a lot of time with OP's family! Of course she gets a say in whether that should happen. Do you honestly think they'll be fine with it if they end up at the cottage but aren't "allowed" to come see their grandchildren? I imagine they'd be irate that they'd made the trip for nothing.

Original poster

whodunit3 · 02/04/2020 19:29

@SewItGoes

Thank you...exactly that!!

OP posts:

Blackbear19 · 02/04/2020 19:32

YABU to have your knickers in a twist over something that's months away.

I think many of us will be hoping by July we will be over this initial lockdown and be able to move forward to some sort of normality.

HoffiCoffi13 · 02/04/2020 19:34

Do you honestly think they'll be fine with it if they end up at the cottage but aren't "allowed" to come see their grandchildren?

Well no, but no one is saying don’t have the conversation with them ever, are they? Just not three months in advance. A couple of weeks before the date everyone will know a lot more about the situation and the conversation can be had then.

Quartz2208 · 02/04/2020 19:35

OP are they the type to do that though or is she simply someone who wants to think it is going to happen

We just dont know what April is going to bring so we certainly dont know whay July brings - I would let it go until nearer the time and let them be the ones who decide about the money they may or may not lose

I suspect the real concern is that there is some kind of middle state neither not allowed or all fine which is where some degree of confrontation could occur?

Devlesko · 02/04/2020 19:39

Tell them it's unlikely they'll be able to see you and of course we many still have social distancing then, if not lockdown.
Be firm that it might not happen and ask what plans they have in this situation. better still they're your dh parents, so his job to tell them.

Laiste · 02/04/2020 19:42

I suspect the real concern is that there is some kind of middle state

I totally agree and i think there will be confusion and i think we'll see loads of threads from posters who's families was to rush to see them but are wanted at arms length for a while longer.

I was thinking this earlier. DHs parents are self isolating due to MILs health serious concerns but DH had to basically bully them into it in the middle of last week. SIL has form for taking the piss with childcare from them. They're a couple of hours drive from us. Honestly i can see them giving in to SIL as well as wanting to rush up to visit us asap.

Angelw · 02/04/2020 19:45

I would mention to them about the Government guidelines for non essential travel/police fines and promise to visit them once the lockdown is lifted. Let your husband do the speech.
Surely they must realise they are being irresponsible...The guidelines are for everyone

HoffiCoffi13 · 02/04/2020 19:48

There’s a chance that those guidelines won’t still be in place in 3 months time though Angelw

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