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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be dreading my birthday?

147 replies

HalloumiFaith · 01/04/2020 10:17

My partner has let me know in advance that I haven’t got anything for my birthday (in three days) from him because of the “corona situation”... The same situation that has been going on for weeks on end now and is therefore not a complete surprise that came out of nowhere. I.e: There has been plenty of time to order something (and he has even been OOTC fairly regularly so could have easily picked up something there too).

I said it is fine and to forget about it but now thinking about it more, I feel quite upset and like he doesn’t care about my birthday at all. Actually, I am in fact, fuming about it. All I will get is a card and probably a voucher but it’s not the same as having presents to open. When it was his birthday last year I went to the limit and back and made sure he got lots of stuff he wanted and he was so pleased and delighted with his gifts and now it’s my time I feel like I am not even worth the hassle to him, for him to even to run into town for half an hour or so just to buy me a present. I can’t even go anywhere in protest of his uncaring behaviour because of the fucking virus so I’m forced to stay here and just put up with it all. I am literally dreading the day now. I feel like officially cancelling my birthday for the year and resume it next year. On top of that the plans I arranged ages ago have been obviously cancelled now and nobody is allowed out of their houses to visit me on the actual day. I booked the week off work too which has just proven to be a complete waste of time. All I will have to look forward to is some texts and maybe a video call from a sibling. I can’t even take any suggestions to make the day any better because I can’t go anywhere, I’m just going to be trapped here. So my AIBU is: Should I cancel my birthday this year and just treat it like any normal day of the year or still attempt to celebrate even though it will be a crap and uneventful day?

OP posts:

Weallfloatdownhere · 01/04/2020 19:48

Oh wow. Who cares? It’s my 40th soon and I’ll no doubt spend it in the living room 😆 had a big party arranged which is not happening. Seriously, who cares?

BabyItsAWildWorld · 01/04/2020 19:58

He could have planned ahead a bit and order you something last week or so when he knew the lockdown was coming.
But he didn't think your birthday was important.

That would be fine if you didn't think it was important, but you do, and presumably he knows that about you, but he didn't care about it.

It is the lack of care about your feelings that hurts I imagine, not getting the 'stuff' on that day.

And I think that is understandable.

Yes there are people dying but we can still be thoughtful and show love by planning things for our families. And it would have been possible for this DH to plan a gift, but he didn't bother.

Try to think about the ways he does show love, but also make it clear to him you are hurt, so that in the future he understands how you like love to be shown.

Birthdays are a special thing in lots of families, for all the generations. It's a nice thing. Except on MN.

Lalala89 · 01/04/2020 20:02

This has blown my mind.
Both my husband and I will both have birthdays in lockdown. Its shit, but we are not 5yr old children stomping our feet because "it's our special day" children are coping better than you. People are dying alone. Get a grip. This says more about the type of person you are than your husband not buying you a gift.

Celebrate when people aren't dying ffs

mathanxiety · 01/04/2020 20:05

The term 'spoilt brat' is being thrown around here quite a bit.

I think it's being used to describe the wrong person. The partner who happily accepted lots of presents for his own birthday and hasn't made the least effort for the OP's is the real spoilt brat here.

OP, I think you should try to lower your expectations and your blood pressure and do your best to enjoy your week off - give yourself that gift at least, but taking the long view, maybe your partner is a taker, not a giver, someone who takes you for granted.

thesunisoutout · 01/04/2020 20:18

I think just telling you now gives off an air of 'I don't really care'. Even with the crisis, you can make nice gestures...plan a meal, plan a nice film and popcorn / wine etc, attempt to make a cake, pick some flowers from the garden...just let the person know you care even under difficult circs. I'd be a little sad tbf.

Dipi79 · 01/04/2020 20:22

You appear to have an over-inflated sense of entitlement.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 01/04/2020 20:23

People dying should make us think more about showing care and love and appreciation to our family members when we can.

This people are dying so you shouldn't expect your husband to do a nice thing for you is just...weird logic!

caveat- unless your DH is frontline nhs worker.

Zombiemum1946 · 01/04/2020 20:45

Just look to celebrating after this debacle is over. I've got a soon to be 17yr old and 10 yr old who'll most likely get very little till this is all over. We were going to change our lost holiday to October but that's starting look a bit shaky as well. Dry your eyes, pour a glass and say thanks for being alive. Slange 🎉

FlamingoAndJohn · 01/04/2020 20:47

Normally I don’t hold with the ‘other people are having a shit time so you shouldn’t have fun’ line.

But this time the actual reason you can’t have your special day is because we are in the middle of a pandemic and that makes it much harder to do something special.

Palegreenstars · 01/04/2020 20:55

It’s my birthday tomo. My husband might loose his job tomo. I’m treating myself to a trip to the supermarket which I’ve been saving up for a week and a half. Honestly I’m just thankful my family are currently safe and well. Video calls and a glass of wine are more than enough. Maybe some perspective would help.

TheNewSchmoo · 01/04/2020 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Figgygal · 01/04/2020 21:18

Ffs are you turning 8?

Cherrysoup · 01/04/2020 21:21

I 'm sorry but I am one of those people who put no significance on my birthday, or my husbands. I always make sure I buy presents for grandchildren but I have no idea why people want a fuss making of their birthday

Oh do shush with your ‘But I don’t care about birthdays’ bollocks. Does that mean no-one else should or isn’t allowed to want to have a bit of attention on their birthday? Mine was today and I’m not ashamed to say I was a bit wobbly when my DH was still in bed when I went to work (it was 10am, come on!) and the post hadn’t arrived. I’m delighted he got me a weird but wonderful set of small but thoughtful gifts and sent me a photo of the dog picking up the post which arrived very late.

I think the OP’s DP has been an idiot. He has had a year to buy something and given her fab effort with his birthday, he’s just being a twat. There are supermarkets which do pretty much everything or he could have ordered online.

Mittens030869 · 01/04/2020 21:30

However i have to say you sound a bit like a spoilt child...

I agree. It mirrors my DD1's disappointment about not being able to have an 11th birthday treat (we'd promised her to take her and a couple of friends ice skating). I got really fed up with her, as I've been suffering badly from what's probably COVID-19, so I'm finding it hard to believe a grown adult could throw a similar strop.

In the event, we managed to arrange video calls from relatives and friends and a Zoom birthday party. DD1 had a lot of fun. So it's possible to be creative.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 01/04/2020 21:46

Why do people think Corona has prevented her husband from ordering her a present at some point over the past few weeks??

The logic here is weird.

She's not saying I'm cross because I can't go out to a restaurant.
That is not possible and is not her husband's fault.

However it would have been perfectly possible for him to buy her a present, he just hasn't.

Mittens030869 · 01/04/2020 21:52

I think it's because the OP spoke about how her DP could have gone shopping for half an hour in town just to buy her a present. It's hardly what can be considered an essential journey, is it? But yes, he could have gone online, and used Moonpig to order her a card.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 01/04/2020 21:58

He could have gone into town 2 weeks ago - the shutdown was obviously coming then.
Or
He could have ordered something online a week ago.

But he hasn't bothered with either. And Not because Corona has stopped him.

YangShanPo · 01/04/2020 22:10

I agree your dp has been a bit rubbish but you have to make the best of things in this time or you will get pretty down. It's my Gran's 97th birthday tomorrow and she will miss out on a lot of family visits but my mum has got her a bottle of whiskey and ginger wine so she will have a Whiskey Mac, a slice of cake and chat on the phone to us all. So make the best of things OP and try to enjoy your day as much as you can.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/04/2020 00:05

You appear to have an over-inflated sense of entitlement. she's asking her partner to treat her how she treats him. How is that over inflated entitlement? She's not asking for a personal address from Boris

Original poster

HalloumiFaith · 02/04/2020 08:55

Thank you to those that agree with me. To those that don’t: I am not making a big deal about it or think I’m entitled and greedy, I just wanted a good birthday but apparently that is not permitted in these troublesome times. Forgive me for breathing and existing and being an actual person who has actual feelings

If this was me I’d have sorted my partners presents out ages ago and if by some long shot I was genuinely not able to provide presents I would be grovelling for forgiveness and being understanding on the day. It’s one day out of the year, not a huge commitment. I’ve resigned myself to it being a crap day anyway now so I’m just now treating it like any other day.

OP posts:

Wilding · 02/04/2020 09:02

Can't you just talk to him? If my dh told me in advance he hadn't got me anything, I'd be telling him he still had three days so get moving and sort it out!

I get why birthdays are important to you, they are to me too. But my dh knows that and so he makes the effort. He's crap at buying presents so I have to give him a list of ideas but I'm fine with that, means I'll get something I like

80sMum · 02/04/2020 09:14

A lot of people just don't see what all the fuss is about regarding birthdays. I'm guessing your DH is one of them, OP.

If you want him to make a fuss, buy presents, cards etc then you're going to have to be very specific and spell it out clearly to him. Just say to him, "this is what is important to me, this is what I would like you to do on my birthdays" and describe it in detail, so he has some clear and specific instructions.

Next year, remind him about a month beforehand that your birthday is approaching and remind him of your expectations and what it is that you want him to do.

A 2nd reminder about a week beforehand might be prudent too - but don't overdo it. Just make sure it's written on the calendar where he will see it.

Thankfully, neither DH or I give any thought to each other's birthdays, so our expectations are equal. I actually forgot my own birthday this year!

JRUIN · 02/04/2020 09:26

Haha to 'cancelling your birthday.' How dramatic! OP you have every right to be pissed off with your DH for not putting in any effort. Then again he may be planning on giving you breakfast in bed and or cooking or ordering you a nice dinner. It really shouldn't all be about presents when you're your age.

Avocado2020 · 02/04/2020 09:26

I don't think your unreasonable, it's my birthday in a week and a half, and my partner knows better than to forget it! It's a special day, you deserve to be spoilt on one day!

I think he's the one whose being unreasonable, your birthday has not changed in the whole time you've been together so why would he not order online? Makes no sense to me.

BlindAssassin1 · 02/04/2020 09:31

I managed to have the foresight to think that DD is having a birthday soon and everything is getting locked down so I'd better get on it and get her some gifts asap.

I know DP hasn't got me anything, not even a card, for mine in a couple of days. It is a bit shit.

It's not bratty, or being childish, or discompassionate to the larger world-wide situation. Its emblematic that your partner couldn't be bothered to think about you. Birthdays are annual events, its not like they sneak up on you at random times, unannounced. If they can't be bothered to give a bit of thought to this one little thing, its probable they can't be bothered with a lot of other things in the relationship. too.

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