to expect my DH to tone it down in lockdown?

[notsuremate]

He’s on a short fuse with the kids. Bellowing up the stairs about things being left on the floor and other ridiculous things. They are primary aged and messy but he’s on their backs constantly. It’s like being in an army regiment. This whole thing is shitty enough without not knowing when the next shout is going to happen. It’s making me bloody miserable and the kids are stressed enough! Who cares if a pair of trainers have been left at the bottom of the stairs. The worlds going to shit, I just want happy kids. Is anybody else dealing with this? Then I see that video of the dad singing with his family on this morning and it makes me want to cry! Why can’t I have that. A funny, interesting, sense of humour companion through all of this. Not a bloody army major who expects the kids to obey and behave constantly!

Tell them it's time for a ten minute tidy, fine, shout at them, not fine. I'm sorry they are struggling. I hope he gets on board with you.

@pingbloodyping

Blimey that would piss me right off. Cheeky mare!

Why are your children traumatised? 😕 That's so worrying.

When the kids are in bed and the house is tidy (even if you have to do it alone) sit him down, tell him his shouting and constant policing of household tidiness is wearing everyone down and making you and the children stressed. Ask him if he feels happy when he's shouting - I doubt he does.

Ask him to discuss how, working together, the two of you could make lockdown nicer and more fun for everyone. Show him some of the happy videos you hanker after. Tell him you know those families aren't perfect and their houses will be messy sometimes, too, but at least those children know their parents love them and they aren't being harangued the whole time. Ask him how he thinks those families tidy up. Do the parents make a game of it with fun prizes like bottle top medals and a comical running commentary? Could he be part of that?

Ask him to try one day being nice to his kids, playing with them, creating games to play with them and not barking orders. He can fake it for a day. Tell him you'd like him to pretend to be a nice person for one day to see if he'd like to make the switch permanent. Children are eager to love their parents and it takes years of determined nastiness to destroy their impulse to love him. Is that really what he set out to do?

If he won't countenance any of the changes, tell him, bare minimum, the shouting must stop. None of you can stand it. If it carries on, when lockdown ends he will lose all of you. Is that what he wants?

A tidy house is not a life goal. Happy, well-balanced children growing up into people who know what love is is a life goal.

Above all, be safe. If he looks like turning nasty or threatening, do call the police. They are cued up to respond as domestic abuse is much more common than people think and it thrives in a lockdown.

@Rollercoaster1920, did you miss the bit about the bellowing, the expectation of obedience and perfect behaviour, the lack of patience and sharp tongue, the moods and the silent treatment, the refusal to listen (he is always right)?

This is not two honest parents doing the best they can, with only the potential problem of children exploiting the parent seen as the weak link.

It is one honest parent trying to gather hay in a gale.

@mathanxiety
But we only get one side of the story here. One perspective. I've been through some rough times with my partner where there is silent treatment and refusal to listen / compromise. On both sides!

OP
I know that a getting multiple LTB is super stressful
As whilst it’s challenging at the best of times right now it’s nigh impossible

Talk to him , protect kids , keep yourself sane

This won’t be forever , either the marriage or the quarantine xx

Look after yourself OP.
I know
My ex would have been same and it’s fucking really hard

Truthfully how high are his expectations.

I am pretty relaxed but expect shoes to be put away and coats hung up. That’s sort of the bare minimum.

Also what do you mean by mess. Stuff out while doing an activity or not tidying up at the end

"Your DC aren’t worried just about Coronavirus. It’s the whole situation that is worrying them."

I agree with that. I had a Dad who bellowed about things that didn't matter. I knew instinctively from an early age that he didn't have my best interests at heart and wasn't strict, out of love. I had a Mother who didn't view what was going on as bad enough to leave. So my self worth went down the pan.

When anything else happened I was terrified, because i had no one who I could count on. There was no one on my side.

It has affected the rest of my life.

💐 to everyone who had a shouty abusive home.
Remember what happened to you when you were a child up was and is not your fault.

I had pingbloddypongs wife as my mum. A shrieking harpy. Can’t stand her. Have no respect for her at all. She’s driven everyone away and lives alone.

Op you do need to have a think about what you want going forward.

Phone the police if he’s kicking off. He’s abusive, and coercion is a crime. He needs to get a reality check from a man in a uniform. He’s not listening to you or the kids.
Time to call in the reinforcements.

I bet the police are getting a lot of calls from abused women at the moment, and you need to be one of them. They have allocated staff towards this as they know lock down in the same way Christmas / holidays will be dangerous for women.

You’re not alone in this and you and your children deserve better than living with this abuse.

Phone women’s aid and the police.
What you’re experiencing is a crime. You deserve better.

I grew up with a father like this. I used to wish my mother would leave him but she never did. I was always on edge when he was around. Sadly my mother died recently, I really hoped he would go first (judge all you like, I don't care) so that she'd get some freedom.

My childhood really affected me - I always think things are my fault, I cannot bear shouting or aggressive behaviour, I go back to being a frightened child.

I'm not a shouter at all, but due to my childhood I married an awful man, so the pattern continued in my life, until I divorced.

I hope you take heed of us all OP, even if it takes a bit of time.

I grew up with a dad like this. Mine also drank which added a “fun” element. Even a crumb dropping in the floor would set him off. I stayed in my room a lot. Once I was old enough, I stayed away from the house as much as I could.

From a practical perspective, I would acknowledge that clutter does make people stressed and institute once or twice a day clutter cleanup sprints. The whole family will go through the house and tidy up. You
Can add music or challenges to jazz it up, but everybody pitching in for 15 minutes can really make a difference and it’s a good skill for kids to learn.

If he isn’t the type to go into rages or get violent, then I think standing up to him In front of the kids is useful. They need to see that this type of behavior is unacceptable. If he is, then it is much tougher. In the long run you have to decide if he is bad enough that having half their time safe and the other half without a buffer is worse than being in the same place with him all the time.

My dad was an angry alcoholic.
He shouted, he slammed doors so hard he broke the glass.
He hit us with bamboo canes.
He beat my mother, on one occasion he hit her with a poker.
He was a pillar of the community. A highly qualified and respected professional man.
It was so, so damaging.
I only realised recently why I was scared of other people's dads and never wanted to go to other children's houses to play.
I am in my sixties now and it has affected me my whole life.
I wish my mother had left him, but there was nowhere for her to go.

It's who he is. It's his default. He's never going to change. I'd find a list of stuff for him to be perfect at, then plan my escape after the lockdown etc is over. Do you really want your children having to live tiptoeing around him & thinking this is normal? Their template for life & relationships is set by what they experience growing up. Violence or dysfunction gets normalised & copied & becomes their default too.

@CanadaPolice do we have the same dad? Except he never hit my mum, it was only me! Everyone thinks he’s a great man...

So many of these awful men.