to expect my DH to tone it down in lockdown?

[notsuremate]

He’s on a short fuse with the kids. Bellowing up the stairs about things being left on the floor and other ridiculous things. They are primary aged and messy but he’s on their backs constantly. It’s like being in an army regiment. This whole thing is shitty enough without not knowing when the next shout is going to happen. It’s making me bloody miserable and the kids are stressed enough! Who cares if a pair of trainers have been left at the bottom of the stairs. The worlds going to shit, I just want happy kids. Is anybody else dealing with this? Then I see that video of the dad singing with his family on this morning and it makes me want to cry! Why can’t I have that. A funny, interesting, sense of humour companion through all of this. Not a bloody army major who expects the kids to obey and behave constantly!

@notsuremate
Living with an explosive Sgt Major would be very trying for anyone.
In this lockdown, It is like the stress of Christmas, but magnified tenfold, as there is no knowing when it will end.

You need to live alone with just your DC..I lived with an OCD DH who eventually had an affair...
I should have noticed something was a amiss with excessive willy washing .

He will be having forty fits in the coronavirus crisis....But I don't have to put up with it now....and neither will you.

Ah OP, it's funny old times at the mo. If DH is WFH then I do understand how bloody annoying cheap left all over the the place is. I'm lucky that I get to leave the house to go to work. My DH is wfh, alongside 3 kids trying to do their school work and me keep up with the housework. We're fortunate that we have o!entry of indoor and outdoor space to share.. Otherwise I'd have totally lost the plot by now;!! I'm a bit of a shouter, so is the husband. Sometimes we need to remember to rein it in a bit. Ps my dh is ex forces!

Ask him to look at something outside. Close the door on him and tell him this is not acceptable and children should not have to live in this environment. He may not shout anymore, and he can take half an hour to think about coping techniques before coming back in.

How did I deal with it. He shouted at them about leaving something, next time he left something I did the same back to me.
I was crazy, blah blah blah.
It's not normal shouting. It's angry, aggressive shouting.
He shouted a second time. Next time I shouted back at him. I'd pushed him and his true side really properly started to show.
It happened again and I shouted in his face to get the fuck out of my house.

That's how I sorted it by putting myself and children in danger. Not the greatest of ways to deal with it,.

My mother was like your DH.

We're not close.

I don’t know if you’ve any experience of coercion or emotional abuse @JKScot4, it seems to me you’ve been blesses with harmonious relationships and have never met anyone who has put you in danger, raised their voice or hand to you, and good for you.

@notsuremate if you feel in danger, you should call the police.
They’ll arrive and give the DH a caution.
Then he’s on their books and it is easier to get a barring order when the emotional abuse and coercion shouting turns to physical violence, and it usually does.

Coercion and violent behaviour is a crime, that’s why @notsuremate should call the police.

It’s not rocket science, @JKScot4 and I do not need to get a grip, as you suggest.
I have a very good grip of this scenario, and how it plays out. Thanks.

YANBU. My dad was abit like that and my sister and I have severe mental health issues for life partly down to it. I've rarely been able to work even part time. This will damage your children's mental health for life and won't be being good for your own.

As soon as this Corona stuff dies down, please leave, or sooner if you can think of a way to do it/somewhere to go. Friends or family may well be willing to take you in even now if you explain to them what's going on.

I would agree that your dc are worriers because they have learned to live like that due to living with someone who shouts all the time, I know this sadly because mine are the same.

However the best thing I ever did was leave. Gradually over time they are learning to manage their worries but that only comes from having a completely normal stress free home...(just slightly more than) 50% of the time.

I understand your fears of them having to spend 50% of their time with him and that you won’t be able to shield them as they were also my fears and the reason I stayed so long. But I’ve learned 2 things. 1 - Surprisingly, since exH knows the dc have an other option (ie as they get older they could choose not to come and stay with him) he has suddenly managed to find some self control and doesn’t shout nearly as much as when we lived together. And 2 - I am showing the dc a totally different way of living at my house which is helping them to relax more and understand that life does not have to be that way.

The thought of them having to stay with him while he behaves like that is unbearable, I really understand that fear but honestly, if you leave, either he’ll sort himself and stop shouting as much, in which case it will be better for your dc. Or he won’t and they will eventually choose to stay with you and not go to him. Either way is win win for the dc.

And the final thought that kept me moving forward was that if I stayed with my exH, I was very much part of the shouty environment, as soon as the dc could get out of there, they would, as who would want to be in that miserable environment? I didn’t want them to choose to try and escape from us both in a few years when I could help them escape from it now together.

Tensions are running high. I can imagine a good proportion of parents are getting shouty from time to time atm. Human nature. However, what you are describing is yes, a drill Sargent.

I’m guessing your dcs feel powerless and try and be extra good. I was like this rather than my dcs. My childhood was scary and I didn’t feel safe. I’m guessing your dc feel the same. I had zero self esteem and I cannot tell you enough how deeply it affected me.

He is Not going to change. So you can only change your reaction to the shouting.

Right now, I think the two pronged approach is to tell the children it is ok not to comply but more importantly to intervene. Categorically tell him that he doesn’t get to talk to them like this. Calmly and assertively saying things like “No, no” “That’s not happening” “Leave the children alone” etc.

It sounds as if his moods govern the whole household. Try not to let this be the case. Really and honestly, what is the the issue is with him going silent? If you show that it doesn’t bother you, your dcs will take your lead. You make it not a big deal. Eye roll at them that daddy is sulking and to ignore him.

You cannot change him. Only you. And be there to cushion and protect your children. If he is able to listen, the equivalent is him being bellowed at by a 9 foot giant with a megaphone and hands like dinner plates. Imitate him. Go and shout in his face if it’s not dangerous for you to do so. Ask him how he would feel if this were the giant bellowing and not a weaker, smaller female.

Your kids don't HAVE to spend 50% of their time with him OP. Only if you went 50-50 would that happen and from the sound of it, you could fight that...but again, it doesn't sound like he'd WANT 50-50.

LEave the fucker. Protect your kids.

LEt him take you to court for contact. It's emotional abuse.

Theres more of you than there is of him..............

Well when this virus thing is all over you best be putting your children first.
You said yourself he is like this and you have just been trying to mitigate and facilitate it.
Not saying he is going to be violent,but have we not seen enough about the increase likely of violence due to the isolation.
Why do women,not just talking about you,continue to stay with men the minute they behave badly.

Well I can’t leave right now because my kids are so traumatised by all of the Coronavirus stuff that they’re awake most of the night

Are they though?
There is no way children should be so traumatised by Coronavirus that they cannot sleep. They'll take their cues from you so if they are traumatised to that level, you need to ask some deeper questions OP.

Don't let the fear of his being with them alone 50:50 stop you leaving this idiot. The kids will visit him for a short time and then decline. Happy days! He then either modifies his behaviour and governs his tongue and they start to see him again or he doesn't and they don't and they grow up mentally healthy. Sweet!

Make that forst step OP. Don't let the 'what ifs' rule you. If you do it's because he has put fear into you too.

Agree with PP's. Who has told the kids the detail of C-19? If it's him it's part of a power game and that is bloody shameful. If it was you OP why would you do that?

I grew up in the cold war era and DMum who had poor MH told us kids about the A bomb and the H bomb/Bikini Atoll etc. and we lived in fear of nuclear war.
We should NEVER have been told any of that. I get that it was Mum trying to vent her own fears but it was wrong and we were petrified with fear (especially at night) for years. It's abusive actually. Parents should parent their kids, not put terrifying stuff into their heads.

Just a post in sympathy really. Experiencing the, same. Life with a drill, sergeant whose worse than ever. They have and nor do we any respite. The latest is the bounce of the basketball outside is too noisy. Trying to keep my DS 14 year old sporty boy entertained without a gasket blown. Someone else, said, walking on eggshells, absolutely.

Children are messy, it’s normal natural and healthy. Get through the next few weeks by telling him firmly that his behaviour is NOT OK, if it’s safe to do that. Start getting documents together and make a plan to leave. Does he know or care how you feel about the situation? As others said, he’s unlikely to want them 50:50, and if he does, he’ll have to change or they won’t go to him.
Try to go for walks with the kids without him, and send him out for excercise on his own. That buys some peaceful time.

Few things:
-This is a terrible place for relationship advice.
-Is he ACOA? (Google ACOA laundry list)
-Sounds like he prioritizes order above family peace and harmony. If you are able to calmly discuss things with him, that’s a place to start. There are people who are extremely stressed by disorder in the same way you and I are distressed by shouting and disharmony. They need to be told and then reminded that harmony is a thing and it’s as important to you as order is to him.

I’d bet money he is a good guy who is just very stressed and needs to learn to function in a family environment.

He has always been a bit like this. Always right, expects perfect behaviour etc but it’s been manageable due to me mitigating and facilitating outside interests so we don’t spend much time at home with him. Family holidays are rare due to this behaviour as his lack of patience and sharp tongue always increase in those sort of situations. Right now though we have no escape from it do we? If I challenge it then it results in worse moods and silent treatment. He can’t be challenged because he’s always got an answer, always perfect and always right.

I had one like this. There are no strategies that work.

Actually, I misspoke. The strategy that works is divorce.

I am with the people who are asking why the children are too traumatised about covid 19 to sleep. Who told them about it in such a way that they are so frightened? I absolutely agree with SignGrudgeBluebook's thoughts on this topic.

However, I would also agree that what is really keeping them from sleep is the stress of living with your H. He is bullying them in their own home.

You have a choice here, and no matter how unpalatable the alternatives are, just knowing that you have the gumption to make a fundamental change could be exactly what your children need. Choosing not to put up with it any more will teach your children a lot about how you value them and yourself.

Take care, @notsuremate.

You need to stop right now this hoping that you can manage or mitigate or control this awful situation. Optimism is not your friend here. In fact, it's toxic.

You didn't cause what your H is doing. You can't control it. All you can do is anticipate fires and try to avoid them or run around putting out fires. There comes this point - hastened by the coronavirus - where you realise that your entire life revolves around dealing with the emotional and psychological chaos he creates. We are talking emotional and psychological abuse here of everyone in your home.

You can't cure this from within or heal your children while they are still living in the trenches.

Start figuring out how you can manage the big change that is needed here. Think of it in terms of project management. Buy and read (kindle is possibly best) the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned by a pp.

Visualise a better future.

Don't overthink what it will take to get there. Remember that the aim of abuse is to make the victim believe that she has no choice but to stay and be abused.

at *@HannaYeah. What a load of bollocks. Posters are intelligent enough to be able to give good relationships advice even if the post isn't in the relationship topic. And he's probably a good guy really? Really? Have you read the OPs posts?

They then spend 50% of their lives with him alone, without me there to act as a barrier

This is how women end up staying forever, with arsehole husbands . I doubt that the kids would end up with him half the time anyway. My ex was like that , and honestly he didn't even spend EOW with them after the divorce. Men like that don't ever want 50-50.

Use this time, if you can, to plan how you can divorce him. Maybe you can do the freedom programme online if he's working in another room but only if its safe for you

You have to find your big girl pants and over rule him. Take control of the situation and stand up to him. He is in the wrong, believe in yourself and be in charge.

I mean you know you have to leave, don't you. That's very clear from what you've said. Being exposed to this behaviour is highly damaging for your children and you know you don't want to spend the rest of your life with this man. He's an abusive bully.

I guess the question is whether you want to do anything during lockdown. That's a question only you can answer. I'm fully aware that its very difficult now and I wouldn't blame you for staying put for the next few weeks. But if you're doing to do that you have to make clear plan to protect yourself from this sort of behaviour. Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

Can you sit him down and have a calm discussion with him about parenting? Shouting is just not on, and he’s not being reasonable in his expectations of young children. If he wants them to be tidy, then he has to put a huge effort in to teaching that positively and calmly. Shouting is not how you teach anything.

Most people parent how they were parented for the most part and very few people grasp the different stages of child development. There’s a lot of people who think being a good parent means not letting your kids get away with stuff...being tough on them to turn them into good adults, etc.

Would he read a parenting book? Dr Justin Coulson 21 days to a Happier Family is very good and written by a man who was an ass at parenting too, until he copped himself on.

(I’d also be getting ducks in a row, but this might be a useful discussion to have all the same)