to expect my DH to tone it down in lockdown?

[notsuremate]

He’s on a short fuse with the kids. Bellowing up the stairs about things being left on the floor and other ridiculous things. They are primary aged and messy but he’s on their backs constantly. It’s like being in an army regiment. This whole thing is shitty enough without not knowing when the next shout is going to happen. It’s making me bloody miserable and the kids are stressed enough! Who cares if a pair of trainers have been left at the bottom of the stairs. The worlds going to shit, I just want happy kids. Is anybody else dealing with this? Then I see that video of the dad singing with his family on this morning and it makes me want to cry! Why can’t I have that. A funny, interesting, sense of humour companion through all of this. Not a bloody army major who expects the kids to obey and behave constantly!

We had to self isolate for 14 days. We are now on day 16. For the first week at least our house was the same as you describe. A lot of arguing, tears and telling off. I just didn't want my husband to be here as he was very stressed and taking it out on us.
It is only Just settling now, we are all more calm and have just accepted this is the new way of life now and it is getting better day by day. I hope this will be the case for you too

Me too Lemon

Are you sure he would want to pursue 50/50 custody op? We were an inconvenience to my dad when we were kids. I doubt he would have kept up with any contact for long.

He's mellowed with age but only because my mum does everything his way and we don't live with him anymore.

Things that he said about me, that I'm useless, lazy a waste of space are still the things that I think about myself when I'm down.

When I confronted her about why she didn't leave, she said 'I wanted to be there all the time'. But she wasn't there all the time and even if she was she didn't intervene every time. Any incident I mentioned she said 'I couldn't have been there then' I remember her being there (though I could be wrong).

Leaving sends a clear message, this is wrong don't put up with it.

Oh thank goodness, ilovetea. I'm so glad to hear that. We've just finished our first week and I am losing my mind. I was hoping it would get better. Thank you so much for saying that.

I'm left wondering if there are a lot of messy houses with unruly kids from posters on this thread. Or there are a lot of abusive husbands who do nothing but shout at their inconvenience children.

Then I give my head a wobble. The reality is somewhere inbetween.

I'm the tidier one in our relationship. I'm also the one who expects children to have table manners, be polite, do as they have been asked etc. My partner wants the children to be children, but also would like them to do as they are asked and have a happy home.

The challenge is two different expectations and approaches. But actually the overall aim is very similar. A happy home. I'm quite old school, homework had to done, irrespective of tears (our main challenge!) My partner reads lots of modern parenting books, was into the child led learning etc.

Due to circumstances we have both been the main childcarer at different periods. What is interesting is that both approaches work.
You both can learn from each other, and respect each other's approaches. You must work together. The fight for control by the parents is where the damage is. And the children feed off that (and play it to get what they want! )

We are far from perfect, but I've noticed with the current homeschooling my partner is getting stricter with the children. I also really pay attention to my expectations, and spend more time asking and explaining before going for the telling off.

Take a breath. Try to look at where you want to be with your partner. Both need to listen. Try to work together.

Good luck!

But this is not a new situation. We're both trying to get our work done and homeschool the children, it's not easy, of course people are more stressed than usual. And yes I tell DC to put their shoes away. But they are not up all night worrying because they don't feel safe. OPs DH has always been Drill Sergeant, it's not just because he's currently stressed. OP's always mitigating the damage.

Even if he does give you the silent treatment. Wouldn't that be better?

Your children sound traumatised. I think letting him do as he pleases and not countering his behaviour at all may not be helping.

Meanwhile make plans for the future.

Sorry, it sounds unbearable.

I dunno if you love him or what but this is exactly how my dad was and he basically ruined my life with acting like that. I’d leave for the sake of your kids because it only gets worse and more violent

Hard place to be in.
Hopefully they will behave better so not to annoy him so much.
He sounds a d1ck

He's a controlling partner.

Sometimes you have to live with someone at very close quarters to see that - you are seeing the real person.

Men who feel inadequate shout and hector at their wives and children constantly as it is the only way they can feel powerful.

I am on my own now, but I also endured this. I can assure you that life as a single parent, tough as it is, is an improvement on this constant sneering and carping and holier-than-thou judgement.

My local police had a poster campaign recently - if you always feel as if you're walking on eggshells, it is an abusive relationship. Talk to Women's Aid about getting help.

Sorry haven’t rtft but do you know you can contact Women’s Aid by phone or email or their chat facility?

Have you considered that your DC’s stress and sleeplessness could be more due to their father than to Cv, or at least the combination of the two?

And also just to add, for anyone following this thread, that refuges are still open - although of course under pressure - and the government has clarified that a woman leaving an abusive relationship is classified as essential travel.

Hope you're OK, OP. There are a lot of opinions on this thread! Including a few less helpful ones.

If you want to keep posting you might consider the Relationships board for generally very wise and helpful advice.

I don't think it is right that he should be shouting and screaming at the children; however, I also don't think now is the time to let standards drop too low. It is important to keep a routine, keep the house tidy, etc., otherwise when it (hopefully) ends, it will be even harder to get the same routines re-started.

My dad used to be like this when I was a kid. Effected me and my brother really badly, took him 26 years to apologise for his behaviour and change.
Stand up to him and tell him how you feel and that he needs to stop before it damages your kids.

YANBU - I have one of those, but thankfully she's mostly keeping herself to herself in the 'office' i.e. the spare room.
It's bloody annoying given I'm doing the school work with the kids, cooking the meals, and trying to keep on top of everything.
I have talked to her about chilling the f-ck out, but just got back from running around the park with the kids (early PE as it helps them concentrate for the rest of the day)to fine the Henry the f-cking Hoover plug in and sitting in the middle of the lounge. Not used obvs but apparently someone things some vaccuming should be done...
I told her, if you want the kids to remember this time as when mum yelled at us all the time and shouted constantly, then go for it.

How much time does he spend with them normally?

When you aren't used to being around kids, you might think that the best way to approach them is to be strict from the start. But trying to do that and sustain it for any length of time is miserable for everyone. You come to realise that if you pick your battles and choose when to be strict and when to let things go, it makes for a much nicer life for everyone.

If he's never spent much time with them, he hasn't gone through that journey. You may get some progress by having a calm conversation with him about needing to have a happy house for the next few weeks. But that depends on whether he's actually reasonable or just plain abusive...

I grew up in a house like this. Now 31, I'm on edge a lot. I assume if something goes wrong it's my fault. Raised voices really panic me, I've been known to go hide in a bathroom if I'm around them. I developed an anxiety disorder in my teens that I've never really been able to shake and permeates every area of my life, and I've spend years working on bringing up low self-esteem which tells me that if my house isn't tidy/I muck something up/things aren't perfect I'm 'useless' and 'can't do anything right'.

Don't get me wrong, I've got a lovely life and a supportive husband and I think I've made real progress in undoing the damage. I'm determined not to bring my own children up in a shouty house. But it's hard work and it does have an impact.

@GabriellaMontez silent treatment isn't any better ime. I grew up in a house with a controlling person - she didn't lose her temper often, but she did punish us with the silent treatment (amongst other treatments she meted out). It was excruciating. I am just as damaged by her as my dp is by being hit by his father when he was growing up. Abuse is abuse and it takes lots of forms.

The bottom line is abuse damages everyone, but children are the innocent party and they need protecting from it because they will be impacted by it - both if it's directed at them, but also if it's directed at their mother. I am so damaged from my childhood and it's had a serious impact on my adult relationships. (including entering into abusive relationships as a result).

Leaving items at the bottom of the stairs is a trip hazard. Well done your DH for teaching your children some basics in reducing trips to A&E at this current time.

OP,

Your children do not feel safe.

The waking up.in the middle of the night distressed is a clear sign of trauma.

I think you should take a deep breath and have a good hard think.

Then i would ask your husband to come with you out of the house..into the garden perhaps and explain to him that if he does not calm himself down...he needs to leave the house. Tell him you are prepared to call the police to have him removed.

You and your children are being abused.

Yours is an abusive home.

You have deeply traumatised children.

This will not fix itself.

If you separate your children will have 50% of peace and believe me the minute they can refuse to see him, they will.

You need to be strong.

He needs to see you be strong.

The police will support you if you call and tell them you and your children are scared of him and want him out of your house.

He will be shocked.
He will be angry.

Your marriage is over whether you want to admit it or not.

You can get him out and you can protect your children.

Reach out for support IRL from family and friends.

You are NOT alone.

Lots of women are in this situation.

@SunshineCake

I meant the Internet is not a good place to get relationship advice, not specifically mumsnet or this topic.

support maybe, but not advice. Just my opinion.

I was brought up in a house with a lot of shouting. Both myself and my DSis have ended up with lifelong Mental Health problems. Lots of anxiety problems/phobias/night terrors as children (which I now see was probably very linked to our home situation).

Someone up thread gave some very good advice about talking about it, if you feel able. If he won't listen or, worse, you are scared of him you need to do what others have advised and perhaps make a plan to leave/separate.

Best wishes

I'm not sure one has to be do strict with kids that it reduces them to tears

*so strict

For the time being, and the lockdown can you create a rota? Something along the lines of 'the kids can make as much mess as they need to during X and Y times, shoes and mess don't get shouted at etc, then everyone helps clear up (inc him and the dc) and then outside of this time they can make a mess with toys etc in their bedrooms?

Also use this time to make an escape plan, do you really want the dc having to deal with this all their young lives and do you want to be retired with someone like this? You know you sat you can't leave as he'll have the dc 50% of the time but do you really think he'll want that?

A couple of things stood out from your post, OP. That your children are messy and he expects them to behave.

Hand on heart, are you allowing the kids to run riot because you're stressed and anxious? Unruly kids doesn't equal happy kids. Or is their behaviour that of normal kids?

For now, I'd make you all a daily timetable. Time for school work, time for free play, time for exercise, and maybe at the end of the morning and early evening, a tidy up time. And explain to him that he's not allowed to shout at the children as there is time to tidy later.

And if this is all him, then you need to get your kids out when this is all over. Before he causes them a lifetime of damage, and that will be just as much on your shoulders as on his, I'm sad to say.